BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.

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[Razor]

Liverpool FC have just bought a Nigerian player.

Kenny Daglish picked up the ball, pointed to it and said in a loud voice, "BALL!"

He then swung his leg and again in a raised voice said, "KICK!"

Kenny pointed at the goal and yet again said in a raised voice, "GOAL!"

The young Nigerian said, "Sir! I speak perfect English!"

Kenny said, "Sit down you, I was talking to Andy Carroll"

*****
I like my women like Italian cruises.

Wet, wrecked and ready to go down!

*****
Lonely Hearts Ad.

Premature ejaculator seeks tall, slim blonde with massive ti....


Oh! Never mind!

*****
Did you know .....

If you are dying of thirst in the desert, you can resort to drinking piss!

But where you find a pint of Fosters in the desert is beyond me!

*****

[crikey]

She looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, but she knows how to control a rowdy audience!

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=23312

[Baron]

I refer the Honourable Gentleman to:

Cat Deely quietens an audience.....

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=23312

 

[Dr Fuss Bogle]

I refer the Honourable Gentleman to:


 

Oh dear Crikey, your head must be softening in your dotage 

And as for you , nobody likes a snitch. 

[Baron]

Well I must say, that is very charitable of you old chap....

Cee u next thursday....

[crikey]

I refer the Honourable Gentleman to:


 

The Hon Gentleman acknowledges his mistake, and apologises profusely. It was so good I sent it on to everybody in my address book. If old Fusty Bollocks is agreeable, I will gladly let him transfer my 10 points to you.

[Baron]

The Hon Gentleman acknowledges his mistake, and apologises profusely. It was so good I sent it on to everybody in my address book. If old Fusty Bollocks is agreeable, I will gladly let him transfer my 10 points to you.

We got 10 pointy things each, aren't we lucky chappies ?..

However, I must point out that the person who highlights anothers posting error does not normally suffer for his observance.
This must be a new directive from Brussels. 

[Richard]

However, I must point out that the person who highlights anothers posting error does not normally suffer for his observance.
This must be a new directive from Brussels. 

And I must point out that as you've hit a century (which makes you better than Tandulkar!) the totals are likely to be reset as soon as one of us admin-wallahs can be arsed...

I wonder how ol' Rusty Nuts will celebrate this time? 

[Baron]

I cannot for the life of me understand as to why I have amassed such a large amount of pointy bits, since I have been the pillar of innocence throughout the year ?.

I can understand all the other members here ratcheting up pointy bits, and well deserved they are too in my opinion, but Moi ?, I hardly ever post, so should therefore be exempt from such indignities of being singled out.

 I tell the truth here..........and lots of bollox too....

[Razor]

A man walks into the Doctors surgery and punches the doctor on the nose.

"What in the hell was that for?" screams the Dr.

The man angrily replies, "For telling my wife she had a lovely pussy!"

The Dr. says, "I didn't say she had a lovely pussy. I told her she had Acute Angina!"

*****

My new Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.

She may be right, but i would still prefer it if she didn't have one!

*****

[Richard]

I said to my doctor "I've seen three different specialists now, none of them agreed with your diagnosis"

She replied "Just wait for your autopsy, then we'll see who was right..." 

[Baron]

Every Town should have one....

[Baron]

Off shore drilling...

[Baron]

Quote: "I have a dream. I have a dream that one day all black people will own plasma tv's and dress in the latest trainers." - Martin Looter King

 

[Richard]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the fucking grass!”

[Ray]

I remember years ago, when we lived in Liverpool, a charity worker knocked on our door and asked my dad if we would have a Biafran baby for Christmas, my dad was devastated, he had just bought a turkey.

 

[Richard]

The turkey probably had more meat on it, so don't feel so hard done by...

An Arab gets in a taxi outside Keynsham railway station.

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio.

The cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a fucking camel."

[Baron]

 

[Richard]

I figured that might tickle you...   

[Baron]

SIGN IN A SCOTTISH

STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.


After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'



Answer:


A FUNERAL PARLOUR.


(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland =

[Razor]

I just watched my first Scouse Porno Movie ............... It was called "Debbie Does Fuck All"

*****
A man goes into a florist and says, "I would like a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, please"

Florist replies, "Certainly sir, what are you after?"

The guy says, "A shag!!!"

*****
My wife took a pregnacy test this morning and my worst fears were confirmed!

Oh she is not pregnat, she's just a fat cow!

*****
An Englishman, a Dutchman, a German, a French bloke, a Swede, a Norweigian, a Belgian, a Polish guy, a Chinaman, a Philipino, a Japanese, a Russian, a Slovak, an Irishman and a Italian walk into a club.

Bouncer says, "Sorry, can't allow you in without a Thai..."

[Baron]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money"

[Baron]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker.

 

[Langston]

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.

One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go go go!”

[Babs]