BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.

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[Baron]

Poor girl has crabs.....and this little chap is hanging on for dear life.....

[Babs]

 

I wonder what the job description was... that was given to her 

[Baron]

I wonder what the job description was... that was given to her 

"Just an ordinary naked pin-up photo shoot m'dear, on a nice sunny and sandy beach, with a few crabs running about......nothing to worry your pretty little head about."
 

[Razor]

Eden Hazzard has agreed to Join Chelsea football Club after his wife agreed personal terms with John Terry

*****
I met this huge breasted woman in a bar, she said if i came outside in the alley with her, she would let me play with her chest!

Once outside, she beat hell out of me and stole my wallet..............I'm afraid, it was a booby trap!

*****
I just got my wife a new mobile phone contract with 300 o2 monthly minutes or just over 500 hours a month! ....Well, it's a start, probably still not enough!!

*****
My wife wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat, but they are really, really expensive. So, i have bought two normal cats and glued their heads together!

[Richard]

That last one is appalling... even by your standards... 

[Razor]

That last one is appalling... even by your standards... 

I dunno, my standards are pretty low! 


*****

I got really excited this morning when my new girlfriend text me saying she really loves Anal.


Stupid dyslexic bitch, turns out she loves my best mate Alan!

[Baron]

  .....bloody auto correct..

[Richard]

Went to choose my new glasses today.

Pretty lass in the opticians asked, "Would you like them with a rim?"

Let's just say it'll be quite a while before they let me in Specsavers again...

[Baron]

A Muslim dies,, and by some error in his handling,, ends up in heaven.
                           

 He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says:
"Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".
                   
 "What?,,,, replies the Muslim, and why not"?
"Well, we just don’t!!,,,, and thats it,,, we're short on Virgins".
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
"Well,,,, says St Peter,  have you ever done anything good in your life"?               

 Ummm--the Muslim replies.
"Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting
for a children’s charity so I gave her ten pounds.
 
 Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society,
and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money,,,
so I gave him ten pounds too"!

 "Alrighty then, says St Peter,,, wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".
 
 Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me . . .
                                                           
  "Here’s your 30 quid back............... now piss off!!!

[Richard]

"Mr Terry, you've been found guilty of racially abusing Mr Ferdinand," said the judge, "and I'm fining you the maximum amount the law allows."

 "Here's your ten grand." said Terry.

 "The fine is only £2500."

 "I thought to save all this fucking nonsense next season I might as well buy 3 credits."

[Baron]

Australia's new pop band......

All the  greatest hits...including: 


Drinking  Queen

The  White Man Takes It All

Gimme!  Gimme! Gimme!

"S.O.S."  (Social Outback Services)

The  Name Of The Game Is Blame

Does  your mother know (you've been  stolen)

Knowing  me, suing you

I Do, I  Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (drink too  much)

Lay All  Your Handouts On Me

Ring,  Ring (I got no bloody telephone cause the government  wont give me one.) 
 

[Richard]

I hope you live to see the day foreigners tell the same jokes about us.

In England.

[Baron]

I hope you live to see the day foreigners tell the same jokes about us.

In England.

They probably do, the difference is, we have a sense of humour...

[Baron]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
 
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
 
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,

a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
 
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says   "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
 
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.
 

 

[Richard]

The primary school teacher asks the children, "Does anyone know how to get a hole into a hole?"

 There is a long silence, then suddenly Little Susie pipes up,

 "Look, Miss, when I cut a hole in a sheet of paper and make a circle with my thumb and finger, then I put it in the hole ..."

 "Very good, Susie," says the teacher. "That's exactly the answer I was looking for."

 Little Johnny puts up his hand.

 "Miss! Miss! I know how you get four holes in one hole!"

 "How?" asks the teacher.

 "Easy," says Little Johnny, "you just take a penny whistle and stick it up your pussy."

 "Johnny!" says the teacher. "That is not only extremely rude, vulgar and disturbing, it is also incorrect. A penny whistle has six holes."

 "Sorry about that," says Johnny. "How was I to know you could get it in that far?"

[Baron]

 

[Baron]

MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY.
SILLY COW THOUGHT  SHE COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE FOOTY WAS ON.


JUST  BOUGHT THE WIFE SOME CROTCH-LESS KNICKERS FOR HALLOWEEN. NOTHING  SEXUAL. JUST GIVES HER A MUCH BETTER GRIP ON HER  BROOMSTICK.
 

MY  MATE ALWAYS CRIES AFTER SEX. MIND YOU HE IS IN  PRISON.
 
 
HUMPED  MY BEST MATE’S WIFE LAST NIGHT AND TODAY I FEEL AWFUL.  SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FLU OR SOMETHING.
 

AT  THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY  NIGHT IN LONDON. 
IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN  SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.
 

COPS  STOP A PAKI IN A TRANSIT VAN ON THE MOTORWAY. COP SAYS YOU DO  KNOW THE LIMIT IS 70 DONT YOU.
PAKI LOOKS IN THE BACK AND SHOUTS  "HEAR THAT. TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OUT!
 
CHEMISTS REPORTED THAT AFTER THE RIOTS AND LOOTING IN LONDON, THE ONLY THING LEFT ON THE SHELVES WAS FAKE TAN.
 

THE  BRITISH GOVERMENT HAS REACTED TO WORLDWIDE RIOTING BY SENDING  RESCUE VEHICLES TO EVACUATE THE BRITISH CITIZENS.
THEY SENT 3 SHIPS TO LIBYA , 2 PLANES TO SOMALIA AND A TAXI EACH TO  BIRMINGHAM, LONDON, MANCHESTER AND CROYDON.
 
 

[Richard]

So, I was walking down the street today and I met a bloke in a wheelchair, and his face was proper fucked up.. broken nose, blood, snot and two black eyes.

I said to him "What happened to you, mate?"

He smiled proudly and said "I'm a Paralympian"

I said "I didn't realise they had boxing in the Paralympics?"

He said "They don't, but I won a gold medal in the hurdles..."

[Baron]

 

[fred]

Did Rolf Harris do two little boys?

Christ, not him too..

For the youngsters

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2ATk-5eFy2g&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/2ATk-5eFy2g&rel=1</a>

[Langston]

SIGNS YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING:

He can open your blouse by himself.
While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
After each feeding, he has a smoke.
He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to  "Dueling Banjos."
Beard abrasions on your areola.

[Langston]

Big Busted Women;

 * can get a taxi on the worst days
 * have a neat place to carry spare change
 * have always been the center of the arts (art)
 * make jogging a spectator sport
 * can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
 * have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
 * usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
 * can always carry a little extra
 * always float better
 * know where to look first for lost earrings
 * rarely have to look for a slow dance partner
 * have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an
   armless recliner

Small Busted Women;

 * don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend
   over in public
 * always look younger
 * find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
 * can always see their toes and shoes
 * can sleep on their stomachs
 * have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
 * know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
 * know that everything more than a handful is wasted
 * can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
 * can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking
   themselves out
 * can hug closer, nicer, and longer

[Baron]

A couple of good ones there .....so to speak. 

[Razor]

If you find yourself short of cash for Christmas, now would be a good time to say you had been groped by Jimmy Saville!

[Baron]

I am just about to put my claim in..........I didn't get groped by him, but he had funny look in his eye when he looked at me as I watched him on TV...