Many of these you probably will have heard before, but I posted this anyway...
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a Paraprosdokian-- Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and theproceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives
27. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
28. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
30. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
31. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
32. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
33. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
34. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
35. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
36. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever
37. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
38. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
39. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
40. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.