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Snug => Phun => Topic started by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:48 AM

Title: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:48 AM
Two farmers are in a field.

First farmer points to a tree and says,
"See that tree? That's where I lost my virginity."

Second farmer says,
"Yeah? Was it good?"

First farmer says,
"Yeah, till her mom showed up."

Second farmer says,
"No way! What'd she say!"

First farmer says,
"Baaaaaaaaaaa."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:49 AM
Q: Why is your poop tapered at the end?

A: So your asshole doesnt slam shut!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:51 AM
A Polish guy walks into a store, and he asks the guy at the counter for a kielbasa (Polish sausage).

The clerk hands him the sausage, and replies, "You must be Polish!"

The Pole, outraged, yells, "Why would you assume that? So if I buy a burrito, I must be Mexican, if I buy a pizza, I must be Italian?!"

"No," the clerk answers calmly, "It's just that this is a hardware store.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:54 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b*stard.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:54 AM
A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're bard."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:56 AM
A blonde is driving down this country road, and sees a car pulled over with a man outside kneeling down and crying. The blonde stops, gets out and asks "Sir, why are you crying?"

The guy points to the ground and says "I just killed this poor little rabbit with my car."

The blonde looks at the dead rabbit and says "Hold on a second", and walks to her car. She comes back a minute later with a spray can and sprays something on the dead rabbit.
 
All of a sudden, the rabbit jumps up, looks at the guy and the blonde, waves at them and starts hopping down the road. Every few feet the rabbit would stop, turn around and wave at them again, then continue hopping down the road.

The guy says "That was a miracle, what was that stuff you sprayed on the rabbit?"

The blonde replies, "It's my new hair spray, see? It says right here on the can, brings life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:56 AM
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... 'F**k him'!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:58 AM
Q: Why do scots where kilts?

A: Because goats can hear zippers.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 09:59 AM
An alligator walks into a bar. Waitress walks over to him and says, "Can I help you?"

The alligator opens up and devours the waitress right there.

He then walks over to the bartender and says, Gimme a drink.

"Sorry, We don't serve drug abusers," the bartender says.

"What are you talking about?" the alligator says. "I'm not a drug abuser."

"What about that Bar-bitch-you-ate?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:07 AM
Q: Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?

A: She's a woman.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:07 AM
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:08 AM
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:10 AM
Q. Why don't witches wear panties?

A. Better grip on the broom.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:11 AM
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that
read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You
being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54
many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:12 AM
Q. What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in hallways?

A. A nun with a javelin through her head.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:13 AM
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour lock.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:14 AM
During sex, there are four types of women's orgasms........

The Positve Orgasm: "Oh yes, oh yes!"

The Negative Orgasm: "Oh no, oh no,oh no"

The Religious Orgasm: "Oh my God!"

The Fake Orgasm: "Oh Razor!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:16 AM
So, this little kid's walking through the park, when suddenly he finds a clown taking a smoke break. "Clown, clown!" he shrieks jubilantly, "show me a trick! Show me a trick!"

The clown takes a long pull on his cigarette and says, "Kid, don't bother me right now, I'm just having a smoke."

"But I wanna see a tri-i-i-ick!" the kid whines.

"Look, kid," the clown rasps, "you're starting to piss me off. How's about you take off before I think of something funny to do with you?"

The kid takes a deep breath and yells, "Goddamn it, clown, as long as you're wearing that outfit in public, you have a civic responsibility to perform a trick upon request, day or night, regardless of claims to smoke breaks or lunch breaks! Failure to comply with this regulation may result in partial or total revocation of entertainer status, including but not limited to a £500 fine and two weeks in jail or 1000 hours of community service!!"

The clown stiffens up immediately and clips his cigarette. "Whoa, whoa, kid! No need to get all legal on my ass! ...Okay, I got a trick. Turn around..."

The kid cheers, "Okay!" and turns around immediately.

"Pull down yer pants..."

A little less certain, the kid says, "Okay," and complies.

"Bend over..."

The kid says, "Um, okay," and does so.

The clown says, "Okay, now... ya feel my thumb up yer ass?"

Queasily, the kid says, "Uh... yeah..."

The clown bellows, "TA-DA-A-A-A!!" (Visual part: thrust two 'thumbs up' straight ahead of you.)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:17 AM
A young chinese couple are on their honeymoon having sex.

The wife says, I want 69.

The husband says, "you want beef and broccoli now?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Oct 21, 06, 10:19 AM
Enough!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 10:24 AM
A man is fishing on lake with his preist when he hooks and lands a big fish, he gets a little excited and says would you look at the size of that fucker.

Instantly realizing his mistake he covers his tracks and says to the priest "oh sorry father its not what you think the fish is actually called a fucker, and you can have it if you want".

"Oh ok then" the priest says and takes it back to the church where he passes the bishop.

The bishop says ""thats a really nice fish you have there father"
"yes your eminence its a really big fucker"
 "Father thats not very appropriate language"
"Oh no your eminence thats actually the name of the fish"
 "Oh well then in that case the pope is coming for dinner tonite we can serve him the fish I'll help you clean it"

So the prest and the bishop are cleaning the fish in the church kitchen when one of the nuns walks past.

 "wow thats a mighty fine fish you have there Bishop"
 "Yes Sister its a real big fucker"
 "Ÿour eminence that language is filthy and not quite appropriate"
 "Oh no sister the fish is called a fucker"
 "Oh well in that case your eminence I'll cook it tonight for the pope's dinner".

So the pope arrives for dinner and is sitting down when the priest the bishop and the nun wheel the fish out for dinner.

"Wow would you look at the size of that fish. The priest says yeah I caught the fucker, the bishop says yeah and I cleaned the fucker and the nun says yeah and I cooked the fucker.

The pope stops what hes doing, puts his feet on the table drinks the rest of the bottle of wine in one go, starts rolling a joint and saÿs "you know what, you pricks are all right..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 21, 06, 10:56 AM
Almost worth repeating the bacon bush jokette, innit?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 11:01 AM
Almost worth repeating the bacon bush jokette, innit?

If you wish.

Always goes down great at a Bar-Mitzvah.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 12:06 PM
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."

Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and asks, "How do you give shoulders?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 12:07 PM
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 12:08 PM
No Comment needed.

[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 21, 06, 07:55 PM
A painter named Wayne always thinned his paint to make it go further. Usually he got away with it. But once, while Wayne was high up on some scaffolding painting a church, a tremendous bolt of lighting struck the steeple and knocked Wayne to the ground. As he lay there stunned, the skies opened up, the rain poured down, and all his thinned paint washed off the church and into puddles on the ground around him. Certain this was a judgment from the Almighty Himself, he cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What can I do?" From the dark clouds, a mighty voice boomed, "Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Oct 21, 06, 08:05 PM
Good stuff here.  :hat3: :laugh2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Lyn on Oct 21, 06, 08:05 PM
 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 06, 08:05 PM

"Oh, God! Forgive me!"


For a joke like that?  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 22, 06, 09:16 PM

well, it as a bad jokes thread after all
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 22, 06, 09:17 PM

well, it as a bad jokes thread after all


True. :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 22, 06, 09:29 PM
OK... So, there were these two men who were great, close friends. One day in the summer they're on a flight, and the plane crashes in the desert. The two men are the only survivors. So, they begin to make their way through the desert, hoping to find some form of civilisation.

Three days pass, and still they have not found salvation. The scorching sun is pounding down on them. They have not eaten or drank since the plane crash. They are just waiting to die.

Then, one of the men spots a tree. But, this is no ordinary tree. Instead of bearing leaves or fruit, growing on it are sausages, rashers, black and white pudding, pork, every kind of pig meat imaginable! "Oh my god, a pork tree, we're saved!" shouts the first man, and starts running towards the tree. But the second man grabs him, suspicious. He thinks that since a pork tree is such an odd idea, it could be a mirage. "Right" he says "To see whether or not it's a mirage, what I'm going to do, is run full pelt straight into it. If i hit into something, we'll know its real"
The first man agrees, and the second starts running as fast as he can to the tree. He is about ten feet away from the tree, when suddenly he hears gunshots everywhere. He jumps flat on the ground, terrified out of his wits, and shouts to the other man  "It's not a pork tree, its a hambush!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: McFluff on Oct 22, 06, 10:25 PM
 rofl rofl rofl

And goodnight.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 22, 06, 10:49 PM
 :tnx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 10:04 AM
Mick Hucknall was arrested while trying to have sex with a rabbit,apparently he was "holding back the ears" but the "bunny was too tight to mention"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 10:10 AM
Apparently there are a large number of jazz musicians hanging around Leeds hospital a few weeks ago.

They heard that there might be some Hammond organs going for free...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 23, 06, 10:55 AM
The thread title mentions "Bad jokes", not awful ones... ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 10:55 AM
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 10:57 AM
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and asks if his mother would "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."  So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:01 AM
There is a man traveling alone in the desert, with only his Camel to keep him company.

After over a month of lonliness and boredom, the man gets a little horny.

 He gives the camel a look, and immediately the camel knows what he's thinking.

 The camel begins to run, and the man frantically chases after him for miles.

After 20 minutes of running through the desert, the man runs into a gorgeous naked woman in a large metal cage.

 "If you let me out of this cage, I will do anything for you.  I will make your wildest dreams come true, if that's what you want " says the woman.  So the man breaks open the cage.

The woman says, "Now what will be your pleasure?"

The man replies, "Will you hold down my camel?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:03 AM
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

 "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:04 AM
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns,bends over, and farts.......

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:05 AM
An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:06 AM
Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice
a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:07 AM
An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.
"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news is you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:12 AM
Baron was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds," he says.

"Twenty pounds, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED pounds" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED pounds" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED pounds if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and £500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred pounds?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:15 AM
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:19 AM
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:23 AM
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says,
"Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time
and sees a tear rolling down his face,
so she whispers in his ear,
"It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 11:25 AM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Sparry on Oct 23, 06, 07:16 PM
Even I am pretty sure I posted this many aeons ago on this forum, but what the f***

Two sword swallowers, one named Fyfe and one named Saxhaven, decided to have a competition to see who could swallow the most tins.

Fyfe went first and took a bite, his front left tooth fell out instantely.

He quit in great pain.

Saxhaven went next and manage to eat 10 tins.

Hence the saying:-

One tooth free four Fyve, Saxhaven ate nine tins.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 23, 06, 07:51 PM
Please, please, please

Do not give Richard any more U3A ragmags .......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 23, 06, 07:58 PM
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 23, 06, 08:00 PM
A fellow walked into an ice cream kiosk on a very hot summery day.
He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red budgies,
Sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgies.

A passerby glancing over his way had noticed the curious sight,
Was prompted to ask 'What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?'

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone,
'I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill the two birds with one cone.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 23, 06, 08:02 PM
A computer programmer decided to give up his job in a cubicle and move to the country. He was always fascinated by the ostrich-like rhea birds, and decided to raise them professionally. The programmer’s rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of... "dye a rhea."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 06, 08:03 PM

Do not give Richard any more U3A ragmags .......


 :'( :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: michelle on Oct 24, 06, 07:12 PM
 jack n jill went up the hill
so jack could lick jills fanny
jack came down with a frown
coz jills a fuckin tranny
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 24, 06, 07:31 PM

 jills a fuckin tranny


If you want a giggle, ask Baron about one unforgettable night...  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 24, 06, 10:52 PM
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support tights

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

In-line skates and a zimmer-frame
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Sparry on Oct 25, 06, 10:01 PM
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bl**dy suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?"

Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 25, 06, 10:08 PM
Three blokes were reminiscing.

The German said "I made love to my wife, last night. By the time I'd finished, she was floating six inches above the bed!"

The Frenchman said "I made love to my wife, last night. By the time I'd finished, she was floating six FEET above the bed!"

BruceKat said "I made love to my wife, last night. When I'd finished, I wiped my cock clean on the curtain. She hit the fucking roof!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 26, 06, 08:52 PM
A man meets a woman at a bar and takes her home, after great sex she lies there stroking his penis,
He asks "Do you want more sex?"
"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your c**k, I really miss mine!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Oct 26, 06, 09:04 PM
A man meets a woman at a bar and takes her home, after great sex she lies there stroking his penis,
He asks "Do you want more sex?"
"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your c**k, I really miss mine!"

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 26, 06, 09:07 PM
 :eek2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Sparry on Oct 27, 06, 04:59 PM
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

Absolutely Brill!  :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 27, 06, 05:47 PM
you have had a few haven't you ......  :hic: :hic:  :beer1: :beer1:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 27, 06, 05:52 PM
you have had a few haven't you ......  :hic: :hic:  :beer1: :beer1:

You're only jealous 'cos you're playing catch-up...  :beer2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 27, 06, 06:05 PM
I'll never catch up though, Sparry can sink them twice as fast as I can ......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 10:04 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of syrup. Pour it over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 10:07 AM
Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 10:09 AM
Mrs. Goldberg goes to buy a chicken, and after rejecting several, she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First she lifts a wing and smells underneath; then she lifts the other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's legs, and smells again.

"Listen," she says to the butcher, "this chicken is no good. I want to see another one."

The butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "could you pass a test like that?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 10:11 AM
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street.
He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 02:47 PM
Q. What do a marriage and a tornado have in common?

A. They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing and when they're done, you've lost your house.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 02:49 PM
While in a hotel room, a man tells a hooker, "I've never eaten a woman out before..."

The hooker says, "No problem...go ahead!"

The man eats her out for awhile then pulls his haed back, and pulls a piece of carrot out of his mouth. He doesn't want to embarass himself, so he says nothing and keeps on eating.

A little while later he pulls back again, only to spit out a pea.
Once again...He says nothing.

The third time, he stops eating her out and pulls his head back and spits a small piece of potato into his hand.
He has to ask her, " Are you sick or something?"

The hooker replies, "No...but the last guy was..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 02:52 PM
Q. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A. A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 02:57 PM
One day a mother and daughter were walking down the street and they saw two dogs humping on the sidewalk.

The daughter asked "Mommy, what are those dogs doing?" The mother replies "making cupcakes, honey."

Later that day they went to the zoo and saw two rhinos humping and the daughter again asked "Mommy, what are they doing?" and the mother replied "Making cupcakes, honey."
 
Then the little girl said "You and Daddy must have made cupcakes last night because I licked up a lot of icing off your bed this morning."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 02:59 PM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
 
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't going so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.

 There were some laughs and some more beers.

 They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 03:00 PM
A young woman is shopping in the supermarket and has the following in her basket: 

1 onion 
1 carot 
1 potato 
1 samosa 
1 lettuce 
1 tomato 
1 stick of celery 
1 chicken breast 
1 chocolate bar 
1 bottle of milk 
1 can of coke 
1 packet of tissues 
1 small microwave meal 

She then joins the queue for the checkout. Behind her, a guy joins the queue and in his basket he has 12 cans of lager, a large pizza and two toilet rolls. A conversations strikes up between them.

The guy asks "Single, eh"?

The lady blushes and replies "How did you know?"
 
The guy responds, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 03:02 PM
A boy asks his father, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

His father replied, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 03:12 PM
A doctor enters the hospital cafeteria with three spots of blood on his shirt. The other doctors ask him what he's done. "Well." he said, "A guy in a car crash lost his arm, so I sewed it on again and he is back using his typewriter already."
Another doctor enters the room, with only one spot of blood on his shirt. They ask him the same question and the doctor says, "A man got hit by a train and lost both his legs, so I sewed them on again and now he's out running a marathon."
A third doctor enters fully covered with shit. "What the fuck did you do?!" they asked. "Well." he said. "Nothing special. I had to pull a tooth, but the fucker wouldn't open his mouth."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 06, 03:13 PM
There was a man that went into a bar one night. He sat at the bar and a little man in a green suit and green pants sat beside him. The man thought that he was seeing things because he was drunk, so he decided to go to the bathroom. The man stood at the urinal, and sure enough the little man came into the bathroom to the urinal. The man finally got up the courage and said, "Hey, you're one of those leprechauns...Aren't you?" The little man thought about it for a minute, then finally answered, "Yes I am." Then the taller man said, "That means I get three wishes then, right?" Sure enough the little man said, "You do, but first I get to butt fuck you." The taller man thought about it for a while, then decided and said, "OK". So the little man bent the taller man over the urinal and butt fucked him till he was finished. Then the little man said, "You look like you're about 35 or so, have a wife, and maybe a couple of kids." The taller man said, "Ya, I'm 37, have a wife, and I have one child, a son." Then the little man started chuckling and said, "...And you still believe in leprechauns?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 03, 06, 07:51 PM
Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting.

One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 03, 06, 07:55 PM
A week after their wedding, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really  was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.


"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

”Grape."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 03, 06, 07:57 PM
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, leanforward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 08, 06, 08:58 PM
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of
supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 05:59 PM
A proctologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could.

When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:02 PM
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:07 PM
(I almost saved this for somebody's birthday soon...)


A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand  on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
~
~
~
~
~
(Ready for this?)
~
~
~
~
(I'm warning you.....)
~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
"You're simply going through the change!”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 10, 06, 06:32 PM
I see that you haven't put your time AWOL to good use then ........
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:33 PM
I see that you haven't put your time AWOL to good use then ........

 :hithead:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:40 PM
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "can you put me up for the night?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 10, 06, 06:41 PM
 :groan

QED
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:41 PM
Three Japanese ladies, sitting in a hot tub, discussing what they find most attractive about a man. First lady says "You know what I like? A man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest..!"

The other two agree -- a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest, is very nice indeed.

The second lady speaks up, and says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest? A man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest..!"

The ladies agree -- two dragons, that was even better.

The third lady says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest? A man with one dragon on the floor!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:45 PM
Knock Knock

Who's There?

Go fuck yourself!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:46 PM
A group of citizens are gathered around a young woman on the outskirts of a town in Galilea, shouting "Stone the whore."

Jesus walks up to them and says, "Stop! Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

A little old lady picks up a stone which she can barely carry, staggers toward the young woman, and drops it on her.

Christ says, "You know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 06:49 PM
Why wasn't Jesus born in Sunderland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 10, 06, 06:51 PM
That one I like ......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 07:08 PM
An old woman is walking along the pier and finds a parrot in a cage.

The parrot squacks "How's yer asshole, lady?"

She is shocked, and says "Shut up!"

To which he replies, "Mine too, must be the salt air."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 10, 06, 07:10 PM
Little Red Riding Hood is going for a walk. Her Grandmother tells her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal."

"Yeah, yeah," says Red, and leaves.

As she's headed towards the forest, she meets the Three Little Pigs. The Pigs tell her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal."

Red pulls out a large handgun and says, "Don't worry, I'm prepared" and continues on her merry way.

A ways into the forest, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out in front of her and says, "Red, you shouldn't be in here. You know what I'm going to do to you."

Little Red Riding Hood proceeds to pull up her little red dress, pull down her little red panties, lay on her back, spread her legs, and point the gun at the Big Bad Wolf.

"Now fucking eat me like the story says!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 11, 06, 10:48 AM
A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma.

When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she wont be able to pick up a racket any more"

She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?"

The doctor replies, " 6 months".

"So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 12:57 AM
Two homosexual muslims were having sex, when one exploded.

He was a suicide bummer.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:03 AM
George Bush has just announced on that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the work of a suicide plumber from Iraq.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:22 AM
This blind bloke took the cheese grater back to the library to complain.

Reckoned it was the most violent book he's ever read...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:24 AM
One for the Essex crowd now...

If the answer is Dick Tracy, what is the question?


















"Whats that in my arse, Wayne?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:26 AM
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.

As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:27 AM
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"

Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 06, 01:36 AM
An 11 year old boy arrives home from school.

Mum asks "How was school today dear?"

"Not bad, I had sex with my teacher."

"Get to your room and wait until your Dad gets home from work!"

Dad arrives home and is told the story, so goes up to the bedroom.

"Look son, your mother has told me all about what has happened. It's different for women, they don't understand these things. I'm quite proud of you- having sex with your teacher at 11 is quite an achievement, so we'll go out later and buy that bicycle you have been asking for. That should cheer you up."

"Can we wait until tomorrow dad, my arse is still sore from this afternoon."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Nov 22, 06, 08:09 PM
A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.

A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks - he doesn't call, he doesn't write ..."

and..........

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick his fecking arse!"

and, lastly........

Following the breakdown of his marriage to Heather, Paul was asked if he would go down on one knee again.

He replied " I do wish you wouldn't call her that..."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Nov 22, 06, 08:57 PM
http://www.boners.com/grub/797331.html

http://www.boners.com/grub/797367.html
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 13, 06, 01:35 PM
Beers All Around

A man walks into a bar with a flamingo under one arm and a cat under the other.  He goes up to the bar and orders a beer then he asks the flamingo what it wants, the flamingo says "a beer."

Then he asks the cat what it wants and the cat says "a beer, but I'm not paying for it". 

They all go off and drink their drinks, 10 minutes later they are all back at the bar, the same happens again. The man orders a beer, the flamingo orders a beer and the cat orders a beer but again says "I'm not paying for it".

Anyway this happens a few more times the same way.

By now the bartender's getting curious so he asks the man what's going on. 

The man replies "Well I found this old lamp so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared, it granted one wish so I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 13, 06, 01:40 PM
THE TRUCK

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.

The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 18, 06, 08:05 PM
Job vacancy: Prostitutes required, Ipswich Area. Good rates of pay but the shifts are murder.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 18, 06, 08:06 PM
A 6th body has been found in Ipswich, face down in a field.

She had Frosties up her fanny and a spoon hanging out of her arse...

Fucking cereal killers!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 19, 06, 06:50 AM
Ipswich Town Rugby Club have cancelled all their matches, they don't have any hookers.

*****

A dyslexic Santa Claus has been burying prossies under the trees!

*****

Peter Sutcliffe killed 13 girls in 6 years.

This new bloke has killed 5 girls in 2 weeks!

Just goes to prove that you cant get quicker than an Ipswich ripper

*****

Bought the wife a black basque, stockings, stilettos and a one way train ticket to Ipswich
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 19, 06, 08:14 PM
yoda knows what hes getting for christmas...



































cos he felt his presents
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 08, 07, 07:43 PM
What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and James Brown?


Alex Ferguson will be playing Giggs this year...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 08, 07, 07:47 PM
Two Oranges walk into a pub, one says to the other "Your round".

The other orange replies..."so are you, you fat c*nt"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 08, 07, 07:52 PM
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?













A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 08, 07, 07:52 PM
Q: Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl?













A: you can drop her off anywhere.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 08, 07, 08:43 PM
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the f*cking bed."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 08, 07, 08:45 PM
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how'd they get in there?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Jan 08, 07, 08:46 PM
Ooh... the benefits of dating a disabled girl.

I dated this girl in a wheelchair once. Got her pissed and took her home. Talked about a shag and she agreed but I was a bit flummoxed about how this was possible. There was a park near her house so I had the brilliant idea of hooking the collar of her coat over the railings... it worked a treat. Then I took her home. Knocked on the door and her Dad answered. Started omplimenting me on being a real gentleman for bringing her home. Of course, that made me feel guilty so I confessed to having shagged her on the railings. "That's what I mean," he said "a real gentleman. Nost of the other bastards leave her hanging there."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fido on Jan 08, 07, 08:46 PM
A bloke phoned work one day and said"I won't be in today, I'm sick".
when asked "how sick are you"?

















"I'm in bed with my sister"!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:16 PM
Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:23 PM
A man walks into the bar and the bartender notices that the man has an incredibly small head.  After getting the man a beer, the bartender asks, "What happened to you head?"  The man states, "Well, I was stranded on this beach and up on the shore washes a bottle.  I took the bottle and began to wipe it off, when out pops a beautiful girl genie, the sexiest woman I have ever seen in my life.  She looks at me and tells me that as a reward for releasing her, I can have one wish.  I thought about it and told her that I wished she and I could spend the rest of our lives making mad passionate love to each other.  She then tells me that this is one wish that she cannot fulfill, and to make another one..."

"So, what happened?"  asked the bartender

"Without thinking, " replied the man, "I blurted out 'so I suppose a little head would be out of the question?' "
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:24 PM
A little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Mom replies, "I have to do that honey, otherwise daddy's belly will get fat.  Bouncing keeps him skinny."

The youngster says, "That's not going to work."

"Why not?" asked the mother

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:31 PM
It's the annual visit of the bishop to the parish and Bert and Gladys are all dolled up sitting in the front pew listening to his lordship's sermon.


Gladys leans over to Bert and whispers "I think I just let off a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"


"Buy a new battery for your hearing aid!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:38 PM
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

 **********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:40 PM
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period.

Because Ma was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Ma was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop".
Ma blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read "Benson & Hedges".
Ma now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Ma waited for
a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

Ma took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The
ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Ma fainted.


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 06:59 PM
A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'S**t, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't frubbock like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "S**t, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop frubbocking this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "S**t, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest right in the arse and sending him flying.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "S**t, missed!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 19, 07, 07:00 PM
A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son.  They decided one last time for the son they always wanted.  The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.  He told his wife:"There is no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!!  Have you been fooling around behind my back?!"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time, dear...."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 19, 07, 07:01 PM

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time, dear...."


Sounds too much like the voice of experience to be phunny... :hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 24, 07, 11:57 PM
Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the Muslim faith to prove she's not racist.

From now she wants to be known as Yaffat Fooker.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: clangnuts on Jan 25, 07, 03:04 PM
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

" Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a

f***ing  arsehole...!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: clangnuts on Jan 25, 07, 03:17 PM
 This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box ...........

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

"I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: clangnuts on Jan 25, 07, 03:43 PM
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he
is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and
my parents still live there!"

 

 

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

 

 

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:13 PM
You hear about a new section in playboy magazine for Necrophilliacs...

First double spread is Anna Nicole Smith! :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:13 PM
First the prostitutes and now the fuckin' turkeys...

Not much chance of getting a gobble in Suffolk now then. ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:14 PM
Q:  Why are American pilots like gay pornstars?

A:  Both shoot up their friends asses on camera.

:hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:16 PM
Man walks into a little chemists shop and says "Excuse me do you stock bedpans?"

"No I`m sorry, have you tried boots?"

"Yeah, but on only the second or third piss it dribbles through the laceholes"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:19 PM
Confucious he say "Man who fall asleep with itchy arse, wake up with smelly finger."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:29 PM
A young blind girl goes up to her mother and says "mummy, will I ever be able to see anything?"

The mother pauses for a moment and says "tell you what, because your birthday is coming up tomorrow I will go down the chemists and see what he has in stock."

The next day the girl is really excited and when her mum comes home says "have you got the stuff?"

Yes" said the mother "but it will hurt when I put it on".

The mother rubbed the cream into her daughters eyes and her daughter said "Mummy ow it really hurts it stings badly" and the mother said "yes but be strong."

After a week of this the mother said, "now wear a bandage for a day over your eyes and you should be able to see."

The next day the daughter goes up to her mum and says "can I take the bandage off yet?"

The mother says "yes" and then the girl goes, "but mummy, I still can't see!"

The mother then whispers...


"I know, April Fool!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 09, 07, 02:35 PM
So there were these four brothers riding a camel.

One was on the neck, the other on the front part of the hump the next behind the hump and the last hanging off the rump of the camel.

The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animal was crying and he said to this brother behind him, brother the camel is crying, the brother in front of the hump told the brother behind the hump, the camel is crying, the brother behind the hump told the brother hanging off the rump, the camel is crying and he said, “Well I don't give a Damn, because if I pull my penis out I will fall off.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:36 PM
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?


A: If they dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with mud.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:38 PM
Q: How do you know the barmaid is mad at you?


A: You find a string in your bloody Mary.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:43 PM
Q: Why don't women have any brains?


A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:46 PM
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?




A. A golden retriever.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:55 PM
A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.

"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"

The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of those babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:57 PM
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the voice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"BOLLOCKS!" shouts the voice...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 08:59 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

" A jazz chord to say a ruv you..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 09:06 PM
A man drives up to a child, and says "Come on, get into the car"

The child replies, "n-no.."

He asks again: "If you get into the car, I'll give you a sweetie"

Once again, the child reples, "n-n-no..."

"If you get into the car, I'll give you the entire packet!"

The kid pipes up, "For fuck's sake, dad! I'm not getting into the fucking Lada!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 09:12 PM
Salesman goes and knocks on a front door and little Johnny it.

 'Scuse me son' asks the salesman, 'is your mum in?.

'Sorry mister' says little Johnny, 'She's in the garden fucking a goat.

 'Fucking a goat?!, Christ, I don't believe it' says the salesman.

Little Johnny tells him to go and see for himself, so walking through the house and looking out the window, he sure enough sees little Johnny's mum in the garden fucking a goat!

"Jeezus son, doesn't she worry about getting pregnant?' asks the salesman.

'Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa' bleats little Johnny.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 09:16 PM
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground"

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up bitch."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 09:26 PM
A girl woke in bed with a start,
For her lover had just ripped a fart,
But she got her revenge
As she straddled his chin
and pissed with her lips pulled apart.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 07, 09:27 PM
Ken, a Japanase businessman takes a trip to New York for 2 weeks. He takes 200 yen with him. Unable to change it before he goes, he visits a bureau de change in the US.

"I wan change 100 yen to dolla please clerk san" asks Ken to the clerk.

"There you go, thats $80 back"

Ken bows and walks out, he survives a week in New York on the $80 he had, but still had 100 yen for the last week.

He returns to the bureau de change and asks to change the last 100 yen.

"There you go, thats $70 for you sir" says the clerk.

"What? Las' week I get 80 dolla for 100 yen, this week I get 70 dolla, why the hell that?!" fumes Ken.

"Fluctuations" replies the Clerk.

"Ya, well fluk you Americans too!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 21, 07, 09:28 PM
Keep taking the medication Richard, these are really dredging the bottom of the   :barrel:  :hysterical: :hysterical:

Mind you I like the BA one
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Feb 21, 07, 09:38 PM
A girl woke in bed with a start,
For her lover had just ripped a fart,
But she got her revenge
As she straddled his chin
and pissed with her lips pulled apart.

That turns some blokes on, so I'm told ....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fido on Feb 21, 07, 11:13 PM
Some good ones there!

 :barrel:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Feb 22, 07, 12:33 PM
Some good ones there!

 :barrel:


and probably some he deserves a beating for...    :t:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 22, 07, 01:28 PM
and probably some he deserves a beating for...    :t:

only some   I would have though almost all

It must have been a boring day yesterday if he had time to find all those old jokes  perhaps you should send him in the :cvan:to visit the IOW  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Feb 22, 07, 02:01 PM
perhaps you should send him in the :cvan:to visit the IOW  :neener:

I might join him in that trip.    :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 25, 07, 09:09 PM
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Feb 25, 07, 09:58 PM
(http://smilies.our-local.co.uk/DontGiveAfuck.gif)

That's not a comment on the joke. I just hadn't used that image for some time. ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 26, 07, 07:45 AM
I took my pet dog to the vets yesterday, every time the door bell goes he runs straight into a corner. The vet said it was ok, he's a boxer?

*****

Man goes to fancy dress party; he wears nothing but a jam jar on his willy.

Lady asks "What are you?"

He says "Im a Fireman....., you break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can"

*****

Jade Goody from Big Brother has apparently changed her name and adopted the Muslim faith to prove she isnt racist.
She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka

*****

Irishman walks into pet shop
Irishman: "You have any goldfish?"
Man behind counter: "You want an aquarium?"
Irishman: "I dont care what star sign it is!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 26, 07, 08:10 AM

She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka


She already was - only the spelling has changed. :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Feb 27, 07, 07:56 PM
Scotsman goes to the same fancy dress party. Just a welly on his dick.

"What have you come as?" asked the host.

"och, nuthin'. I'm just fucking aboot..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 28, 07, 06:33 AM
 A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying

fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Feb 28, 07, 12:04 PM
 :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 28, 07, 05:24 PM
Blind Bunny and Blind Snake

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and orphaned snake.  Coincidentally, both were born blind.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.  "Oh my!" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's okay," replied the snake.  "I too have been blind since birth and never knew my mother.  Maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."

"That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.  I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny then suggested to the snake "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

Mmmm I'd say you must be someone in senior management."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 06, 07, 08:13 PM


Eskimo on holiday in Scotland. Car breaks down. Scot looks under the bonnet n says " You've blown a seal!"
Eskimo says " So what! You scr#w sheep!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 13, 07, 08:49 PM
what do you call a woman with 1 leg......eilene



what do you call a woman with no legs..........





nolene
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 14, 07, 05:50 AM
Q:  What do you call a welshman that makes tasteless jokes about Big Ray's wife?

A: Dead meat.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 16, 07, 05:47 PM
Two fleas were sitting on a womans fanny.
One was a mugger and the other a junkie.
How can you tell them apart ?
One was hiding in the bush, and the other was sniffing the crack............
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Mar 23, 07, 01:53 PM
I remember back in the 60's someone came to the front door and asked my mother if she would have a Biafran baby for Christmas. She was devastated as she had already bought a turkey.................. :(
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 23, 07, 03:37 PM
 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Mar 23, 07, 07:24 PM
Prompted by a Keynsham story .....

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 23, 07, 07:31 PM
I've not heard that one since I posted it on October 21st...  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Mar 23, 07, 07:35 PM
I thought that was the ugly bastard version .....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 23, 07, 07:36 PM
I thought that was the ugly bastard version .....

Everything I say is the 'ugly bastard' version...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Mar 23, 07, 07:39 PM
 :n:

The BJ bit makes it a different joke  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 23, 07, 07:48 PM

The BJ bit makes it a different joke 


Are you attempting to bribe me?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Mar 23, 07, 08:50 PM
 :angel3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 25, 07, 04:40 AM
New Pakistani Sport

News coming out of the West Indies is that the Pakistani players have decided to give up playing cricket and have turned their hands to Bob slaying
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 10:37 AM
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 10:38 AM
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 10:43 AM
Guy is out hunting wild pigs in Devon.

He rounds a bend and THWACK he hits a pig standing in the middle of the road
He pulls over....the pig is caught between his grill and the bull bar and is obviously in a lot of pain

Not sure what the rules are he calls the RAC breakdown service
He explains his dilema to the girl on the phone.

She says "Love; if it's in that much pain you better shoot it."
the guy says hang on
...there's silence...then a gun shot

He gets back on the phone

What should I do with his bike, the siren's given me a headache?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 10:46 AM
So, this little kid's walking through the park, when suddenly he finds a clown taking a smoke break. "Clown, clown!" he shrieks jubilantly, "show me a trick! Show me a trick!"

The clown takes a long pull on his cigarette and says, "Kid, don't bother me right now, I'm just having a smoke."

"But I wanna see a tri-i-i-ick!" the kid whines.

"Look, kid," the clown rasps, "you're starting to piss me off. How's about you take off before I think of something funny to do with you?"

The kid takes a deep breath and yells, "Goddamn it, clown, as long as you're wearing that outfit in public, you have a civic responsibility to perform a trick upon request, day or night, regardless of claims to smoke breaks or lunch breaks! Failure to comply with this regulation may result in partial or total revocation of entertainer status, including but not limited to a $500 fine and two weeks in jail or 1000 hours of civil service!!"

The clown stiffens up immediately and snuffs out his cigarette. "Whoa, whoa, kid! No need to get litigant on my ass! ...Okay, I got a trick. Turn around..."

The kid cheers, "Okay!" and turns around immediately.

"Pull down yer pants..."

A little less certain, the kid says, "Okay," and complies.

"Bend over..."

The kid says, "Um, okay," and does so.

The clown says, "Okay, now... ya feel my thumb up yer ass?"

Queasily, the kid says, "Uh... yeah..."

The clown bellows, "TA-DA-A-A-A!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 10:48 AM
A young chinese couple are on their honeymoon having sex.

The wife says, I want 69.

The husband says, "you want beef and broccoli now?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 07, 07, 10:58 AM
What is the difference between pussie and apple pie?



You can eat your mums apple pie  :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 07, 07, 11:10 AM
That's how you confuse a redneck - he can eat either!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 24, 07, 05:52 PM
Party tonight at Virginia Tech.

Free shots for all students.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 15, 07, 09:36 PM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one Cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands
warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between My legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied," Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body Will
warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, And he
said, "My penis is frozen solid.".................

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her Mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on May 15, 07, 10:38 PM
 :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on May 16, 07, 07:19 PM
This did not happen to me on my last visit to the doctor. BARON??

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 17, 07, 04:12 PM
So it was you listening in on the other side of the wall ?  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 21, 07, 10:31 AM
One day a boxer and his stunning girlfriend walk into a bar. The boxer heads off to the toilet, handing a 20 note to his missus and asks her to get him a pint, and whatever she wants

Whilst she's at the bar, a scrawny little man approaches her, and the conversation goes something along the lines of:

Scrawny little man: You're absolutely stunning, I'd really like to take you out for dinner
Stunning girlfriend: Sorry, I'm already taken
Scrawny little man: Hang on a sec, I've not finished - after dinner, I'd like to take you home, cover you in chocloate sauce and lick it off.
Stunning girlfriend: Seriously, I've got a boyfriend, and I'm not interested
Scrawny little man: Wait wait, I've not finished - then I want to fill your pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer returns from the toilet...

Stunning girlfriend: This scrawny little twat wants to take me out for dinner
Boxer: Sorry mate, she's spoken for (looking a little annoyed, that his missus is being cracked onto)
Stunning girlfriend: Wait, then he wants cover me in chocolate sauce and lick it off
Boxer: Right, that does it, you're in for a pasting (as he rolls up his sleaves and the little vein in his temple starts to pulse)
Stunning girlfriend: Wait, I'm not finished yet, then he wants to fill my pussy with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer unrolls his sleeves and turns to walk away

Stunning girlfriend: What are you doing, I thought you were going to kill this pathetic little runt!
Boxer: Look love, anyone who can drink that much beer I'm not messing with...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 21, 07, 10:33 AM
Q: What's black & thoroughly pissed off?


A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 21, 07, 06:53 PM
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 21, 07, 06:54 PM
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,

"Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says,

"Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies.

"It must be your feet, then."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Jun 21, 07, 10:04 PM

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A Sparry can almost be forgiven (but not quite), but a Sparry in the same thread deserves a bonus.

 :dfb6:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 21, 07, 11:06 PM
"21 today, 21 today, I'm climbing up the charts,

A special mug will soon be mine!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 30, 07, 04:09 PM
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer.

He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gentleman decides to chance his luck.

He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the man, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay motionless.

The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 30, 07, 04:11 PM
A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males.
She approaches the first man, and says "Excuse me sir, I'm conducting a survey, and would like to know: what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD".

She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer.

She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers "A bar of soap".

Bemused by this, she asks why.

"I'm bathing the kids"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 30, 07, 04:19 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks...   >:D

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 30, 07, 04:26 PM
Q: What's black and loud?

A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 03, 07, 12:01 AM
This anti-smoking law is a total waste of time. One bloke has just been caught smoking at Glasgow Airport.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 03, 07, 03:53 AM
This anti-smoking law is a total waste of time. One bloke has just been caught smoking at Glasgow Airport.

But did he get away with it?

Thought not.  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 03, 07, 12:50 PM
I was driving down the road and an idiot driving a brand new Skoda pulled out from a side street and hit me square in the passenger side of my car!

No damage to my car, but his new Skoda is in a heck of a mess. There is jam and sponge everywhere!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 03, 07, 12:52 PM
Cries of super, smashing, great!  can be heard all over south Yorkshire as people from Sheffield and Rotherham can finally use that speedboat they won on Bullseye 20 years ago!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 03, 07, 08:36 PM
Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.

The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."

Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 03, 07, 08:48 PM
Whats the difference between a Glasgow airport bomber and a computer?

You don't piss yourself laughing when your computer crashs, fucks up and catches fire...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jul 03, 07, 08:54 PM
A man walked into a pharmacy and up to the young lady pharmacist.

"Do you sell Viagra?", he enquires.

"Yes, we do." replies the pharmacist.

"Does it really work?", asks the man.

"Yes.", she answered.

"And can I get it over the counter?" he continues.

"Probably, if you took two of them!" replied the pharmacist.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jul 03, 07, 08:57 PM
A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 04, 07, 11:52 AM
Officers have released a name following the attacks on Glasgow Airport at the weekend.

The main suspect's name was Singed Maheed.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 04, 07, 11:54 AM
Nurses reported the Cherokee Jeeps driver is now talking in his hospital bed saying things like "wee sleekit cowering timourous beastie" and "a mans a man for aw that".

Apparently this is normal behaviour for patients in the Serious Burns Unit.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 05, 07, 01:24 PM
Nurses reported the Cherokee Jeeps driver is now talking in his hospital bed saying things like "wee sleekit cowering timourous beastie" and "a mans a man for aw that".

Apparently this is normal behaviour for patients in the Serious Burns Unit.

Dear o` dear! Obviously the good Doctor does not visit here!  :lh:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 08, 07, 12:09 AM
Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe, 300 dead.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 08, 07, 12:11 AM
Why did the condom fly off my dick and smack your mother right in the face?


'Cos it was pissed off...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jul 08, 07, 09:00 PM
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 10, 07, 06:39 PM
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,

‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’

To which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, fuck him?’
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 11, 07, 08:24 AM
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?



A: Kick his sister's chin...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 11, 07, 07:28 PM
A spokesman for the NHS has admitted today that they made a massive error in their campaign to recruit Asian doctors.

The advertising slogan read "Become a doctor in the UK.....make a bomb"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jul 11, 07, 08:13 PM
And the BMA have struck off the doctors involved in the Glasgow attack for working on Saturdays.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 12, 07, 07:03 AM
A little boy asks his mum "why am I black and you are white?"

"Don't even ask" she replies, "When I think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"
Title: Scottish Poem
Post by: Razor on Jul 13, 07, 05:20 PM
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say

A fanatic Muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed

But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH was his clear desire

Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported Foreign radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear

Aw us good Glaswegians
Will have nae bluddy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae Fook!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 13, 07, 06:12 PM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers 20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 16, 07, 10:31 PM
This bloke returns home from the pub one night and tells his wife that they have started selling flavoured condoms.

Hhis wife asks "what flavours?", and the bloke says "fish and chip flavour,chicken tikka flavour, in fact any flavour you want", so the wife says " tomorrow night when you come home pissed, turn the light out ,slip on one and i'll give you a gobble"

The following night the bloke comes home pissed as a newt, goes upstairs, turns off the light...and his wife grabs hold of his dick and sucks it and says "Mmmm.. cheese and onion flavour!", and the bloke says " I haven't got one on yet!!!"  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 22, 07, 03:49 PM
A guy walks into a chemist, approaches the counter and calls over the assistant.

"look mate, I'm not sure how to say this but i need some decent viagra"
"right ok, but you look young enough not to have a problem mate"
"well I got these two birds coming over see and they're right bi-sexual nymphos and I cant be seen to let the side down, you know what I mean."
"hmmmmm, well I dunno buddy, its prescription see"
"ah come on, I'll pay you 100"
"hmm ok, this one time only"
" try this stuff"
" you got anything stronger by chance?"
"well only this XXX strengh, but thats for like horses and shit"
" I'll take it"
" ok but I didnt give it to you, right!"

So with this the guy walks off for his date

The following morning the chemist is startled to see the guy again.
He's in agony, can hardly walk and looks totally exhausted.

"good night mate?"
" aaaarrrggg, eeeewwwww ahhhhhhh, sorry man, arrrgghhh, Im gunna have to flop this out just to relieve the pain"

With that he flops out his cock, it's utterly solid, blue, black, weeping pus, bleeding and swollen.

"Arrrgghh, ewwww, oh man, you got any Deep Heat mate?..fuck it hurts" says the guy to the chemsit

"WTF!!??!!!!! YOU CANT PUT DEEP HEAT ON THAT YOU'LL MAKE IT WORSE!!!" shouts the chemist,

"no you fucking dumbass it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 31, 07, 05:41 PM
I had a wet dream about Dubya last night.  :blush:



I dreamt I'd shot him and I pissed myself laughing.  :laugh3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Aug 03, 07, 12:25 PM
Well, I guess the title does say this thread is for 'bad' jokes, and 95% of them are exactly that.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 08, 07, 08:11 AM
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 08, 07, 09:53 AM

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."


So fine me...  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Aug 08, 07, 09:23 PM
....And here is the 'joke' mentioned in the 'laughing because it isn't funny' thread...

What is the definition of determination?





Making a noose out of razor wire.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Aug 08, 07, 09:26 PM
Well, I actually did 'lol' at that, yet I wouldn't be able to explain why I did.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 08, 07, 09:26 PM
Works for me.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Aug 08, 07, 11:44 PM


What is the definition of determination?





Making a noose out of razor wire.
that is actually desperately funny LMAO

 :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 10, 07, 06:38 PM
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
  One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
Screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
         


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 11, 07, 07:17 AM
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the   Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'


'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 11, 07, 07:19 AM
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a
drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into
two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table
and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady
who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'

She answered






'THE TEETH.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 11, 07, 07:32 AM
Katzy moved into a new apartment  and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
Just then, a very attractive young woman came out of her apartment wearing nothing but a short flimsy silk robe.
Katzy smiled at her, and she started a conversation with him
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing on underneath, and poor Kat had a lot of trouble trying to keep eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ''Let's go to my apartment, as I think someone is coming"

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, letting her robe slip off to the floor.
Now nude, she purred at him, ''What would you say is my best feature?''

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ''It's got to be your ears.''
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts, they are round and full, and, 100% natural....I work out every day and my bum is round and very firm.....look at my skin, it is soft and silky and blemish free....how can you say my ears are my best feature ?''.
Clearing his throat, he blushed and stammered ....

''Just now outside, when you said you heard someone coming................... that was me''

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 22, 07, 01:05 PM
Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women.

Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 22, 07, 01:08 PM
Q. How do you stop the local children from playing in your yard?

A. Molest them.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 22, 07, 05:54 PM
     A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said,

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 22, 07, 07:53 PM
I was down the pub last night and I bought 8 venison legs off a bloke for 15.


I was just wondering if that was two deer?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 24, 07, 08:41 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Lil_NZ on Aug 24, 07, 08:51 PM
http://hedidntseethatcoming.com/

Play the video  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Aug 24, 07, 10:20 PM
I want one!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Lil_NZ on Aug 26, 07, 06:14 AM
Bugger, that link's been edited for content! The final scene was Elephants mating.... hence the  :yuck:
Sorry guys, ignore me! :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 26, 07, 06:23 AM

Bugger, that link's been edited for content!


It's a bitch when they do that. :(
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Sep 03, 07, 08:32 AM
Farmer Giles was getting a bit old. His eyesight was getting worse, and those stairs that he used to climb were getting harder and harder. Looking after 48 sheep and 3 chickens was fast becoming too much for him. Fortunately, his sheepdog Shep was still able to help.

One day, he took Shep out to the fields to check on his sheep. "Go and count 'em for me boy" he said. "Okay" said Shep.

Shep rang round the field and counted the sheep one by one. "There's fifty sheep master" said Shep.

"Fifty" exclaimed Father Giles. "There was only forty eight yesterday".

"Yes, I know" said Shep, "I rounded 'em up"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 03, 07, 11:18 AM
Dear oh dear oh dear...  :hithead:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Sep 03, 07, 04:08 PM
Good Grief.................... :-\

 :hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Sep 03, 07, 04:10 PM
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

Nice one...................... :5:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 06, 07, 05:25 PM
What is the difference between a dud dollar bill and Kate Moss?


One is a phoney buck .......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 06, 07, 08:15 PM
Bad taste warning





























Paravotti's family have rung up six funeral directors asking if they'll do a funeral for a tenor.

all six told them to f**** off and put the phone down
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Sep 07, 07, 06:37 AM
 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 07, 07, 06:43 AM
Pavarotti`s funeral car is going to be a Nissan Dorma
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Sep 07, 07, 04:12 PM
Pavarotti`s funeral car is going to be a Nissan Dorma


 :t:

 :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 09, 07, 10:10 AM
A Couple More Pavarotti Jokes:

St Peter walks up to the Pearly gates and knocks.

God asks what he wants.

St Peter replies "Here's that tenor I owe you!"

*****

Q: What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas this year?
A: A smaller turkey

*****

The 3 tenors are now known as 20

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Sep 09, 07, 12:45 PM
The same few crap Pavarotti jokes are all over the internet.

Here's hoping somebody comes up with some decent ones sooner rather than later.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 09, 07, 08:18 PM
Pavarotti gone, Elton John has been invited to join Carreras and Domingo to make up the numbers. They are now known as the 2 tenors and the nine bob-note.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Sep 11, 07, 07:23 PM
"Older Women"

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said.....,"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasmascreen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofabed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.





SEX EDUCATION.
 
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, " Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place boys put their penises?"
 
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
 
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 14, 07, 06:32 AM
Hey Richard!

Pavarotti`s wife called me and said she had some spare clothes hanging around, do you want them?





 :laugh:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 14, 07, 07:27 AM
Hey Richard!

Pavarotti`s wife called me and said she had some spare clothes hanging around, do you want them?





 :laugh:
/me chokes on the mouthful of tea he had when he read that...  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Sep 14, 07, 02:55 PM
Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: MaWibbley on Sep 14, 07, 04:27 PM
Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:

Excellent Tulula!!  rofl  rofl  rofl
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 14, 07, 06:44 PM

Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:


Why not?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Sep 14, 07, 06:49 PM
Why not?
Because Mrs Pavarotti still needs them?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 15, 07, 03:50 PM
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it.

When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something, he looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

(Thanks B3ta - I think  :yuck: )
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 16, 07, 03:33 PM
A Kentucky Redneck was fucking his sister when she started laughing.

He asked her what was so funny.

"You fuck like dad" she said

He replied "yeah, that's what mum says..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 16, 07, 07:07 PM
Baron's van is full to capacity one day, and by the time he gets to the last parcel, having been at the bottom, it is all crushed.

"Better check if the contents are damaged," he thinks.

The said parcel happens to contain a blow up doll. Having always wondered what it was like to have go at one these things, he blows it up and has his way with it in the back of the van, and delivers it to the address on the box.

A month later the manufacturer calls the purchaser up to see if he is happy with his his doll.
"Absolutely brilliant" he replies, "and unbelievably realistic. I love the thing".
The caller says,  "That's good to hear, sir. Is it really that realistic?"
The guy replies, "Realistic? The first time I used it it gave me a dose of the clap".

(Leeched, and amended so as not to protect the guilty!)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 16, 07, 07:23 PM
Renault are bringing out a new family car.  It's so spacious that you don't notice the kids in the back.  They're calling it thr Renault mccann
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Sep 16, 07, 07:51 PM
Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Sep 16, 07, 07:54 PM
Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:

 :dfb5:

No further comment.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 16, 07, 08:05 PM
Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:

where's the other then?  I searched for 'Renault'.   the only shows were at best very tenuous
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Sep 16, 07, 09:51 PM
 :dfb5:

For dissent.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Sep 16, 07, 10:17 PM
Renault are bringing out a new family car.  It's so spacious that you don't notice the kids in the back.  They're calling it thr Renault mccann

The nearest I can get is.....http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=16045.0

down the page a bit... ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 16, 07, 10:21 PM
not the same wording there
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Sep 17, 07, 01:19 PM
You may well be the recipient of even more bogle points knowing what a cantankerous old bitch Fusty Bollocks can be.  :o
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 17, 07, 01:23 PM
Quote
knowing what a cantankerous old bitch Fusty Bollocks can be.


wonder if he gives away dinner plates as well as mugs?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Sep 17, 07, 04:49 PM

wonder if he gives away dinner plates as well as mugs?

He hasn't evolved enough to use dinner plates himself, so I doubt it.

He eats the scraps we chuck him off the floor.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 19, 07, 06:51 AM
A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 19, 07, 06:57 AM
One day a pirate's parrot says to the captain, "Hey captain, how's your asshole?"

"Shut up!" says the pirate captain.

The parrot replies, "Bwak, I've got constipation too!"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 19, 07, 06:57 AM
This pirate wants to buy a parrot. So, he
goes to the pet shop and asks this guy about this parrot. The guy says if you put a lighter under its right wing it sings a song. The pirate wonders what it would sing if the pirate puts the lighter under the parrot's tail. He holds his lighter under its tail, and the parrot begins to sing: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 19, 07, 06:58 AM
Little boy dressed as a pirate at Halloween knocks on the door and says trick ot treat!. The man answers and asks “where are your Buccaneers? The little boy says, “under my buccan hat!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 21, 07, 06:49 AM
I have held off for a few days, but you knew they were coming:

Colin McRae`s wife has taken all her money out of Northern Rock and put it in Scottish Widows

-----

I am well pissed off!

I have just spent 50 on a new computer game and it keeps crashing.

Colin McRae Helicopter Simulator is crap!

-----

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 21, 07, 06:54 AM
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, Razor man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, he just hid the pup down the front of his trousers and smuggled him on board the plane.

About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess noticed he was shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?

"Ahh... Yes, I'm fine," Razor replied..

Sometime later the stewardess noticed he was moaning and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're all right sir?"

"Yes," said Razor, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my keks."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem.... he's not weaned yet!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 21, 07, 10:51 AM
And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 21, 07, 11:44 AM
And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:

Wait till is starts teething...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 21, 07, 05:34 PM
And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:

 :10: for that reply  :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 21, 07, 08:57 PM
What is the difference between Colin McRae and Gary Glitter?


Colin McRae only had two young boys go down on his chopper


 :hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 22, 07, 07:07 AM
Ex-Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen again.

The McCanns have offered to help!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Sep 22, 07, 09:32 AM
Q. Why don't witches wear panties?

A. Better grip on the broom.

 :t:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 22, 07, 09:39 AM
:t:

Nowt like bearing a grudge for a long time, is there?  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Sep 22, 07, 09:40 AM
Nowt like bearing a grudge for a long time, is there?  ::)

 :blush: opened the wrong page.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Greenbriar on Sep 22, 07, 03:49 PM
A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

 

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied
That he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him
And called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

 

The next man in line thought this was interesting,
And like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When
He got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had
Forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he
Didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom
And said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

 

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought
This was his chance. When he got to the till he told
The checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
Squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...

 

(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 

'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 22, 07, 04:53 PM

'Mop and bucket, Till 5'


The pruning-monkey has saved you a bogling there...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 22, 07, 05:03 PM
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's
easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you
know it's a McDonald's.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 26, 07, 01:33 PM
Heard on the radio...

"This one goes out to the McCann’s, as they're having a hard time right now... This is Lisa Stansfield."

Been around the world and I I I I I can't find my baby...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 27, 07, 08:32 PM
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky uses a feather.






Perverted uses the whole chicken....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 27, 07, 09:38 PM
Or, on the 'other' side of the bridge - 'kinky' uses a chop, 'perverted' uses the whole lamb.  :angel2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 27, 07, 10:39 PM
Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I want a Rolls - Royce tattoo on my cock"

"You'd be better off with a landrover" replied the tattooist

"Why's that?"

"It wont get stuck in the shit"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 28, 07, 07:16 AM
That doesn't belong in this thread

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 28, 07, 09:10 AM
That doesn't belong in this thread


Why not, it's crappy?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 28, 07, 12:13 PM
Two guys at a "Bucking Bronco" contest.
First guy rides the mechanical bull for 12 seconds, the second guy rides the mechanical bull for an hour through every speed and buck they could muster!
After a standing ovation from the crowd and free drinks at the bar, the first guy asks him, "Wow! Where in the heck did you learn to ride like that?"
"Oh nowhere special" replies the second guy. "My wife is an epileptic!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 28, 07, 01:04 PM
Why not, it's crappy?

It's crap yes, but its not bad. If found my level .....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 29, 07, 09:41 AM
I went to an indian restaurant in Birmingham last night.

The waiter came over and said "Curry OK?"

I said "Go on then, just one song then you can fuck off".
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 29, 07, 03:13 PM
I was woken in the night by small talk coming from my underpants! I listened intently and could here distinct chatter, but nothing coherent or anything that made any sense. So, in the morning i went straight to my doctor. He listened to them for a moment and said I had nothing to worry about, they were just talking bollocks.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 07, 07, 11:05 PM
So there's this bloke sat on a jetty with a fishing rod and other such paraphernalia on this secluded lake somewhere, and up to him comes another, older bloke who lives nearby.

"Say," says the older bloke, "what are you doing here?"

"Well believe it or not, I'm on my honeymoon."

Older bloke looks surprised at this. "Well if you're on your honeymoon, why are you wasting time out here fishing? Shouldn't you be making love to your new wife like a rabbit on Viagra?"

"Well, that's a bit hard. You see, she's got syphilis, vaginal lesions, and she's on the blob."

"I see," says the older bloke, and thinks for a bit. "Well... you know... one up the bum, no harm done?"

"This is true," says the fisher, "but she's got haemorrhoids, Crohn's and anal herpes. So that's out the question."

"Fair enough, but surely she can give you a blow job?"

"Well, not really. She's got sore and bleeding gums, snaggly and broken teeth, and her breath is FOUL. So I'd rather she didn't."

"Ah." says the older bloke. "Son, can I ask something - why did you marry her in the first place? She sounds horrid!"

"Yes I know," says the fisher, "but it was for the maggots."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 07, 07, 11:12 PM
(BAD jokes only in this thread please

Mere "Bad" that was not.

It was 'kin' awful.

HTH.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 07, 07, 11:22 PM
Mere "Bad" that was not.

It was 'kin' awful.

HTH.

 :tnx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 08, 07, 09:55 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 08, 07, 07:45 PM
Fred and Maud are both in their eighties. Fred says to Maud will you marry me. Maud says yes but there are some conditions. First I will want sex seven days a week. Thats fine says Fred, put me down for Mondays.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 08, 07, 07:52 PM
Fred and Maud are both in their eighties. Fred says to Maud will you marry me. Maud says yes but there are some conditions. First I will want sex seven days a week. Thats fine says Fred, put me down for Mondays.

Post that in CC where Fred can see it.  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 08, 07, 08:30 PM
Done!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 08, 07, 08:55 PM
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"


"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 08, 07, 08:57 PM
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"


So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his shock, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting -  you should see him make donuts."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 08, 07, 09:04 PM
Have you been listening to Rick Wakeman Crikes?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Oct 08, 07, 09:08 PM
Have you been listening to Rick Wakeman Crikes?

nah he has been to see Chaviope  :angel3:  they are his sort of Baaaaad jokes ( he gets them out of the beano)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 08, 07, 09:29 PM
Oh no I haven't!  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Oct 08, 07, 09:39 PM
Oh no I haven't!  :neener:

oh yes you have  :nut:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 09, 07, 06:55 AM
What do you call a man with a plank on his head?


Edward



What do you call a man with two planks on his head?


Edward Wood



What do you call a man with three planks on his head?


Edward Woodward



What do you call a man with four planks on his head?


I don't know but Edward Woodward would




What do you call a man with four planks on his head and one across his legs?


I don't know but Edward Woodward would, wouldn't he?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 09, 07, 07:03 AM
Two naive couples go on a second honeymoon to put some excitement into their sex life.
 
After two days they are completely bored and are talking in a bar. The bar tender tells them that in Sweden where he comes from, they swap partners to put some zing into their sex lives.

The couples decide to try it and head back to their hotel rooms. After about an hour of passionate sex, one pair is finished and come out of their room. "That wasn't as good as it's cracked up to be" said one to the other, "I wonder how the girls got on?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 09, 07, 03:38 PM
Durex condoms have now released a condom that will fuck 15 Australians and not burst.

It is called the "Super Johnny"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 10, 07, 05:07 PM
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
 
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".
 
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
 
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
 
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
 
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.
 
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing?  You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Yvonne on Oct 29, 07, 03:44 AM
OH Dear Old Age


 
 
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.
I remember when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 29, 07, 10:11 AM
That really doesn't bear thinking about.  :eek2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 29, 07, 10:21 AM
That really doesn't bear thinking about.  :eek2:

If you're lucky, you'll aready be too la-la to care before it becomes an issue.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Oct 29, 07, 03:59 PM
I don't think so.

My world revolves around it, as you may have guessed.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: MaWibbley on Oct 31, 07, 10:02 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that.
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married, and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: MaWibbley on Oct 31, 07, 10:08 AM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
 P... E... N... I... S.
 His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
 replied:

 *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 07, 04:01 PM
Did you hear about the bisexual donkey?

It had a Hee in the morning and a Haw at night.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 06, 07, 08:58 PM
Hi Mate,
I am writing to you because I need your help to get me
****** pilots license back. You keep telling me you
got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to
make something happen for me because, mate, I'm ******
desperate.
But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my
last flight review with the CAA Examiner
On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA) seemed a
reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of
the need to do a flight review every two years. He
even offered to drive out, have a look over my
property and let me operate from my own strip.
Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he
said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a
small strip outside my homestead, because the ALA
(Authorised Landing Area) is about a mile away. I
explained that because this strip was so close to the
homestead, it was more convenient than the ALA, and
despite the power lines crossing about midway down the
strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off,
because at the halfway point down the strip you're
usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had
done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier,
I decided to do it all over again. Because the *****
was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane
three times instead of my usual two.
My effort was rewarded because the colour finally
returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright
red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told
him I was going to combine the test flight with some
farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from
the home paddock to the main herd.
After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and
threw them into the back of the ol Cessna 172. We
climbed aboard, but Ron started getting onto me about
weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of
course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time
because, calves like to move around a bit particularly
when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground! So,
It's ****** pointless trying to secure them as you
know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry
as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to
ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages
throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized
the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and
gunning her to 2,500 rpm. I then discovered that Ron
has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a
****** headset. Through all that noise he detected a
metallic rattle and demanded I account for it.
Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by
a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and
lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector
Can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's
jammed on All tanks, so I suppose that's Okay.
However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed
the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos
flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between
the windshield and the magnetic compass. My
explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped
back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit
roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but
unfortunately the plane
gave a leap and spun to the right. ****** hell I thought,
not the starboard wheel chock again.
The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked
around just in time to see a rock thrown by the
prop-wash disappear completely through the
windscreen of his brand new Commodore. Now I'm really
in trouble, I thought.
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored
his requirement that we taxi to the ALA, and instead
took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word,
at least not until the engine started coughing right
at the lift off point, and then he ****** screamed his
head off. Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
Now take it easy, Ron I told him firmly. That often
happens on take-off and there is a good reason for
it. I explained patiently that I usually run the
plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally
put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for
the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few
gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down
a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has
been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine,
if you know how to coax it properly.
Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest
in my test flight. He pulled out some rosary beads,
closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn't
think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected
some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax.
Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of
10,500 feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or
get the weather because, as you know getting FAX
access out here is a friggin' joke and the weather is
always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss
with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on
that.
Anyhow, on leveling out, I noticed some wild camels
heading into my improved pasture. I hate ******
camels, and always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside
the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of them.
We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of
principle, I decided to have a go through the open
window. Mate, when I pulled the ****** rifle out,
the effect on Ron was freakin electric. As I fired
the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches
and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo.
He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an
electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's
reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration
for a second and the next shot went straight through
the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting
(probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so
I decided not to tell him about our little problem
with the tyre.
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided
to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to
praying when, in one smooth sequence, I
pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a
sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130
knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and
the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI.
What a buzz, mate!
About half way through the descent I looked back in
the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in
mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment
on this unusual sight, but Ron looked a bit green and
had rolled himself into the fetal position and was
screamin his freakin head off again.
Mate, talk about being in a ****** zoo. You should've
been there, it was ****** funny!
At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason
we kept sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied
full power but nothin happened; no noise no nothin.
Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me
head saying carby heat, carby heat. So I pulled
carby heat on and that helped quite a
lot, with the engine finally regaining full power.
Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!
Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As
luck would have it, at that height we flew into a
massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and
suddenly went I.F. ****** R, mate. BJ, you would have
been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not
once, but I did make a mental note to
consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is
repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a
while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and
bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very
wide, but no sound emerged.
Take it easy, I told him, we'll be out of this in a
minute.
Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still
straight and level and still at 50 feet.
Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were
upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, Christ I hope
Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set
the QNH when we were taxiing. This minor tribulation
forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to
do a half roll to get upright again.
By now the main herd had divided into two groups
leaving a narrow strip between them. Ah! I thought,
there's an omen. We'll land right there.
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow
approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full
flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud
in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it
up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I
turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down
with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always
thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger
but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!
Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered
his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen
the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled
to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of
the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.
I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut
wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was
doing. I explained that we had to stuff the
port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the
homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot
and started running away from the aircraft. Can you
believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into
the distance, arms flailing in the air and still
shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had
been confined to a psychiatric institution poor
******!
Anyhow mate, thats enough about Ron. The problem is I
got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it,
my privileges to fly; until I have
undergone a complete pilot training course again and
undertaken another flight proficiency test.
Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the
wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip
elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was a
so ****** bad that they have to withdraw me flamin
license. Can you?
Yrs. Trly.,
Maynard
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 08, 07, 07:23 PM
I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week.


He cried, because it was his first time.  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 10, 07, 12:55 PM
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
















Piece of cake
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Nov 12, 07, 06:24 PM
Enough!!!

Amen to that
 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 13, 07, 11:52 AM
One day while at his best mate house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag.

'Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?', said Norris.

Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?'.

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jims wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV.

An hour or so later, Norris said. 'Jim? Can I shag her again please?'. To which Jim replied 'OK, but remember, don't go down on her!!!'
Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jims wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldnt help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

'Whats wrong Norris?'
'I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldnt help myself.....'
'You went down on her didnt you Norris!!!!' said Jim looking horrified.
'I got a mouth full of rice!!!' said Norris disgusted.
'That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 16, 07, 07:11 PM
An Irish girl goes to the doc's and asks for the pill, the doc sez ur already 6 months,she sez I know but Paddys found another hole and I don't want a lump on mi back as well
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 17, 07, 08:15 AM
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

"Are there too many foreigners in this country?"

The following are the survey results.

20%: YES

10%: NO

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Amy-Hols on Nov 17, 07, 01:06 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.


She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone
rang.


It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops.


She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from
the last shop.


She was jubilant.


Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the
Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because
it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you'll now be
his carer!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.


The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead!
What'd you buy?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 17, 07, 01:29 PM
That's right where it belongs. :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 17, 07, 10:46 PM
Mating call of a cuckoo... "Cuckoo, Cuckoo"

Mating call of an owl... "Twit tWooo, Twit tWooo"

Mating call of Lucu.... "C`mon Richard, c`mon give it to me up the arse again..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 07, 10:41 PM
English Football!  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 21, 07, 10:50 PM
I had to look and found this

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/internationals/7103110.stm

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 21, 07, 11:20 PM
English Football!  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

bit like welsh Rugby eh!

the glory days have gone
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 22, 07, 09:56 AM
Peter Tobin, the man accused of killing two young women whose bodies were
found in his garden in Kent, claims to be innocent.

He reckons he once bought some top-soil off Fred West
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Nov 22, 07, 07:17 PM
Another leech - with permissions.

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 22, 07, 09:16 PM
I was in Sainsburys at lunchtime to buy some Oxo Cubes.

They had the usual ones, chicken, beef, lamb, vegetable and England.

Whats the England one? I ask the assistant.

"Thats the new one they have just launched she replied Its called The Laughing Stock!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 22, 07, 09:26 PM
"Thats the new one they have just launched she replied Its called The Laughing Stock!

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 23, 07, 07:14 PM
Steve Maclaren is going tothe England christmas dressed as a pumpkin......
hes hopin someone can turn him in to a ****in coach
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 24, 07, 07:56 AM
GIRL'S DIARY

Wednesday, 21 November 2007.


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with
the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and
loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so
I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any
attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the
television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms
around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up at first, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still
seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he
had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.




BLOKES DIARY



Wednesday, 21 November 2007.



England lost at football today.

Fuckin Gutted.

Got a shag though!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 24, 07, 06:51 PM
What's going on here?

"Give it here!"
"No, its mine!"




"Let me have it!"
"No its mine!"




"Let me have it!"
"Its my turn!"




"U had it last"!
"fuck off!"
"Come on gimme it!"
"NO way!"


























Siamese twins having a Wank !
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 24, 07, 10:42 PM
I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic, if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 29, 07, 04:10 PM
I've invented a new cocktail.

It's half a glass of red wine, topped up with pomegranate juice and with some pieces of pink grapefruit for garnish.

I think I'll call it "18 Week Abortion".  :juice:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 05, 07, 07:59 AM
I bought a Teddy Bear for 10, just sold it on ebay for 20.

Now i have these Sudanese after me for trying to make a prophet out of a Teddy!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 08, 07, 06:48 PM
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Murphy,how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue,she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME" for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 08, 07, 06:54 PM
And, and?  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 08, 07, 07:09 PM
Husband: " Heard a story about the milkman today. Seems he brags that he's made love to every woman on our street, except one."
Wife: "Oh, that'll be that stuck-up cow at number 17."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 08, 07, 07:24 PM
Oooops  :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 09, 07, 08:42 AM
John Darwin has walked in to a police station after being missing, presumed dead for 5 years.

He said thats the last time i go on holiday with the McCan's!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 09, 07, 02:57 PM
Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza.

The assistant asked which one he wanted and King Wenceleslas replied, "Deep pan, crisp and even!"

*****

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed school teacher?

A: She can't control herpupils.

*****





Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 10, 07, 07:58 PM
A drunk Irishman is standing, peeing into a fountain in the middle of Dublin. A policeman comes up to him and says, "Stop that and put your willie away."

The Irishman shoves his willie back into his trousers and does up his zip. The policeman turns to leave and the Irishman starts laughing.
"OK, what's so funny?" asks the Policeman. "Fooled you," says the Irishman. "I may have put it away but I didn't stop."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 11, 07, 08:42 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.he goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do o have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.  She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina'..... .
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Dec 15, 07, 01:33 AM
^^^  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 23, 07, 01:39 AM
Im a sick puppy.

So, merry cold blooded christmas!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811 (http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 23, 07, 08:48 AM
 :yuck: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 25, 07, 12:30 AM
Paul McCartney has bought ex-wife Heather a new false leg for Christmas.

It isnt her main present, just a stocking filler

 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 06, 08, 11:48 AM
MR T borrows the A-TEAM van for a night out and soon picks up a lovely vixen at a local bar.

He drives her up to a secluded layby and starts canoodling, eventually they get down to business , when Mr T announces that he had a whipping fetish and demands to be horsewhipped before the deed is done.

Unfortunately there is nothing to whip him with so the young lady gets out from the van and finds a whippy slender branch from a tree but it is no good as the branch breaks on second stroke.

Mr T reaches for the toolbox and removes the pliers then clips a bit of wire from the fence that runs alongside the layby.

Its no use either as its far too supple and not enough whip to it.

Mr T looks up on the roof of the van and spots the CB antenna ! Just the job!

Mr T is soon whipped into action and soon both are sweaty and satisfied.

Next day Mr T has nasty painful marks all over his buttocks, which soon fester and ooze puss.

The doctor is called for and examines the patient.

"Hey Docta whats up wi me ya crazy fool!" asks Mr T politely.

The doctor takes a step back raises his glasses and says... "I'm afraid you have a bad case of van aerial disease."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Jan 08, 08, 05:35 PM
Im a sick puppy.

So, merry cold blooded christmas!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811 (http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811)

Haha!

That's more like it.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 11, 08, 07:31 PM
A man put his dad in a retirement home. Several days later, he visits and asked how he liked it.
His father replied, "it's great, last night i got a hard-on and a nurse came in with some hand lotion, and took care of it."
The son said "uh, uh, I'm glad you like it, but i don't need that much information."

A week later the son goes back. The father grabs his son's arm and says "You got to get me out of here. Last night I fell down. An orderly picked me up took me to my room, and corn holed me."
The son says "C'mon dad, last week you had a nurse taking care of you."
The old man said, "You don't understand, I get two or three hard-ons a year ... I fall down several times a month."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 11, 08, 07:46 PM
How do you teach a Blonde (select the hairtype to suit) maths?

Add a bed, sebtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave you solution and hope she doesnt multiply!!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 11, 08, 07:47 PM
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.


In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.


Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Be careful where you put your money, especially this time of year when there's a nasty nip in the air!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 20, 08, 11:38 AM
The mystery behind the plane crash at Heathrow has been solved.

It was a rehearsal for Man Utd's 50th anniversary display to be held in February...  :beer2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 21, 08, 07:41 PM
Leeched.

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee for breakfast?"
He declines and says, "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asks him if he would like something now. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
Once again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra, I'm still not hungry."
"Well for God's sake," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm absolutely starving."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 27, 08, 09:19 PM
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving  accident, he
 was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
 
 "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
 some information about your wife."
 
 "Well, tell me!" the man said.
 
 The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
 some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
 
 Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
 So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
 morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
 
 "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering
 what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
 "Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two
 five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on
 her."
 
 "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens
 demanded.
 
 The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
 morning."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 28, 08, 08:11 AM
In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, England, have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm "Brut", a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ... yet!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 29, 08, 09:59 AM
The BBC have announced a new comedy series that will be based around a scouser family going to Portugal on holiday and losing one of their children.

It's going to be called One Foot In Algarve!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 29, 08, 06:23 PM
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
 


the funeral will be on Friday
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jan 30, 08, 01:58 PM
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.


 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 30, 08, 04:25 PM
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Jan 30, 08, 08:32 PM

Hot Damm a decent joke for a change!

Bill
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 30, 08, 08:37 PM
Hot Damm a decent joke for a change!


'Decent' jokes are off-topic in this thread.

hth. :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Jan 30, 08, 10:49 PM


By "decent" I mean a joke that I can actually chuckle over. Most of thee jokes here are just that jokes. Not funny, punch line not there, they make interesting stores in an off beat sort of way. But "funny" usually isn't one of them.

Bill
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 31, 08, 08:15 PM
police are investigating jeremy beadles death after there have been reports it may have been suspicious....

the main suspect is his wife

but she insists she's been framed !!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 11, 08, 06:54 PM


The Pedigree Dog Food company has gone bust...............
They've called in the retrievers.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 11, 08, 07:36 PM
A guy is sitting in a bar one evening, on his own. He keeps catching the eye of a lady at the far end of the bar. This goes on for quite some time, before he musters up the courage to go over to her.

"Hi, what brings a beautiful woman like you here?" He says

"I've broken up with my boyfriend, so I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom"

"Wow, I'm here for the same reason - my girlfriends just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!!"

They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening as she goes to leave she asks if he'd like to come back to hers, and he accepts.

When they get back to her place she motions to the sofa and says "Ill be right out, just going to get ready".

She goes in the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp outfit, Viagra, and a leather dominatrix outfit.

When she comes out the man is heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" she asks.

"Well," says the man "I've fucked your dog and had a shit in your handbag, I'm off..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Feb 11, 08, 07:57 PM
'Sometimes'... Richard...     :omg:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 11, 08, 08:05 PM
'Sometimes'... Richard...     :omg:

What?  :angel2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 14, 08, 08:16 PM
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 15, 08, 07:25 AM
A doctor in wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Mike, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Mike.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Mike, how was your day?"

Mike told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Mike my lad!, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, sir" says Mike.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies  open and a young gorgeous woman burst in through the door. she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of the Lord! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Thundering Hellcats!, what in the heck did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes." replied Mike
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 15, 08, 10:57 AM
This Scouser goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he'll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket.

So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says "TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED".

He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles.

The farmer says "It's simple enough even for you... just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket."

The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop.

There are thousands of them in there.

He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going "Gobble gobble gobble".

And the Scouser says "No fucking way, a wank is all you're going to get."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 20, 08, 05:44 PM
All nicked from emails etc....



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
 
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!
   
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?   
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
 
 FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
   
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 
The radio went silent and the interview ended.



Why you should make sure you think before you speak ...

The priest in a small Welsh village loved his chickens that he kept in the
coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up !
'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
 
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
 
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
 
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
 
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
 
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'


A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?....


Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt
pretty badly. So the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and
the mortician pulled back
the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him
over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician
thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the
body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
'No, it ain't
Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you
tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had
two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two
arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy
with them two
arseholes....'


*********************************
**************************


Five Englishmen in an
Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer
stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people
in a Quattro,
Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the
Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed
to carry five
persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies
Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have
five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot!
Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more
intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a
Fiat Uno.'


******************************************
*****************

Following a night out with a few
friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat.

After the
grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride
of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the
guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How
does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from
the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, fucks sake,
you bastard, it's twenty
to two in the sodding
morning!!'


*************************************
**********************

A young man excitedly tells
his mother he's fallen in love and is going to
get married.

He says,
'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends
in addition
to my fianc, and you try and guess which one I'm going
to
marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them
downon the couch and they chat for a while.

He then
says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately
replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right,
how did you know?'

'I don't like
her.'


***********************************************************


Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You
are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice
at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge
continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a
spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You
fucking
bastard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back
of the courtroom, and said,
'Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I
will not have any more of these outbursts
from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the
problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For
fifteen years I
lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a fucking
spanner, he said he didn't have
one!'


******************************************
*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks
for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for
another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again
and asks for
another beer.

This happens about another seven times
before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your
pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she
looks good
enough, I'll go
home.'


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 22, 08, 07:40 PM
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony when the history professor asked his friend: Have you read Marx?

Yes," replied the Psychology professor. "I think its from the wicker chairs."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 22, 08, 07:56 PM
Dear oh dear...  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 25, 08, 06:44 PM
Paul Gascoigne's been discovered at the Hilton Hotel in Gateshead having sex with a Tellytubby.
The offical report is he's f***ing LA LA!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 25, 08, 07:14 PM
So much for challenging the stigma surrounding mental illness...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: JoJo on Feb 25, 08, 07:16 PM
So much for challenging the stigma surrounding mental illness...  :pa
what about the stigma around being blonde..??? :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 25, 08, 07:25 PM
what about the stigma around being blonde..??? :neener:

They deserve it.  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kezzywink on Feb 25, 08, 07:26 PM
They deserve it.  :hysterical:
:hithead:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Feb 25, 08, 09:14 PM
I like the way Kezzy holds a shaft, you know....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 25, 08, 09:17 PM
I like the way Kezzy holds a shaft, you know....

Shame it'll never be yours though, innit?  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: JoJo on Feb 25, 08, 09:18 PM
Shame it'll never be yours though, innit?  :neener:
:gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Kat on Feb 25, 08, 09:20 PM
My shaft-holder does a mighty fine job, herself, as it 'appens.   :w:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 26, 08, 06:12 PM
Dolly Parton and the Queen end up at the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They are both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of
you will be admitted.'

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen merely walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, 'OK, Your Majesty, you may enter Heaven'

Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of Gods own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she was admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: JoJo on Feb 26, 08, 06:38 PM
oh i just read that over at the purple palace..! :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 26, 08, 07:04 PM
oh i just read that over at the purple palace..! :neener:

I put it there   :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 26, 08, 08:54 PM
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's screwing her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!" .
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: JoJo on Feb 26, 08, 09:15 PM
I put it there   :gig:
oh is that you..!!!you look different with clothes on..! :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 26, 08, 09:21 PM
oh is that you..!!!you look different with clothes on..! :hysterical:

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 26, 08, 09:28 PM
oh is that you..!!!you look different with clothes on..! :hysterical:

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: JoJo on Feb 26, 08, 09:29 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Mar 04, 08, 05:44 PM
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.


Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his
hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 06, 08, 07:59 PM
A bloke goes to the Doctors and say,s I keep thinking I am a moth........... The Doctor say,s ....You need to see a Psychiatrist not a Doctor.
I know he said. I was on my way there.  But I saw your light was on.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 08, 08, 01:28 AM
Hollywood said today that there wasnt a chance in hell of ever making a Dirty Dancing 2 with Patrick Swayze. Although at the moment, Ghost II is looking pretty good!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 12, 08, 07:56 PM
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only 10 for 24 cans", he says



"Put them back.. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...



A few aisles later the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.



"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.



The man replies.... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 13, 08, 06:23 PM
News Report:

Welsh Miners upbeat about future prospects........

Copper found in Snowdonia....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 13, 08, 08:18 PM
News Report:

Welsh Miners upbeat about future prospects........

Copper found in Snowdonia....

You sick bastard.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 13, 08, 08:43 PM
one of the nicer things I've been called recently   :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 13, 08, 08:46 PM
one of the nicer things I've been called recently   :hat3:

Coming from me, it's one of the higher forms of compliment.  :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 14, 08, 11:17 AM
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.

After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.


"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 16, 08, 06:40 PM
I for one would not find it funny if Shaking Stevens got Parkinsons Disease...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 18, 08, 08:04 AM
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

A: Just ring them up and tell them you can't come.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 18, 08, 07:24 PM
Michael Jackson is buying a new theme park now he's sold Neverland. Its called Dinosaur world. Every kid will leave it with a mega-saur-arse!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 21, 08, 07:28 PM
Have you heard about the man who was run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 21, 08, 07:50 PM
I just watched Mel Gibson's remake of Monty Python's Life of Brian, and I have to say I didn't laugh even once...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Mar 22, 08, 06:16 PM
All nicked from emails etc....
 
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 

So what do you call a stupid blonde?

Heather Mills
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 26, 08, 03:17 PM
My cat gave birth the other day.
 
Today we watched the kittens climb out of their box for the first time.

You should've seen the looks on their little faces - it was like "Why the fuck am I in the middle of a lake?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 27, 08, 07:20 AM
^^ Maybe we should start another thread, "Sick Jokes Only"  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 27, 08, 08:22 AM
Little Johnny was at sunday school one day and the teacher was asking the kids where they thought Jesus was.

Mary said "I think Jesus is in my heart"

Paul said," I think Jesus is in heaven"

But then little Johnny said "I KNOW Jesus is in my bathroom because every morning my daddy is pounding on the door yelling, "Jesus Christ are you sill in there!"

*****

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 29, 08, 01:12 PM
A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Mar 29, 08, 03:05 PM
 :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 30, 08, 06:19 PM
i used to hate weddings .the old aunties would poke me and cackle oooh your next ,your next !!

they soon stopped that crap when i started doin the same to them at funerals !!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 31, 08, 07:24 PM
A couple decide to go on holiday and arrive at Terminal 5. Seeing the chaos the husband reasures his wife.

"Look we've been stressed out all year we've not managed a holiday for ages as soon as we're away from here things will get better"

The next day they manage to get on a plane, but without their luggage.

"Still look on the bright side dear we've always wanted to see Tibet and now we're on our way"

When they get to Tibet they get caught up in a protest march outside the airport and mistaken for activists they're arrested and spend three days in jail.

"Come on dear keep your spirits up we've done nothing wrong, it'll all be sorted soon."

Then an Embassy official manages to secure their release but only on the undestanding that they are put straight on a plain back to Blighty.

Filthy, starving and dishevelled they arrive back at Heathrow.

"OK dear that may have been a nightmare but when we get home you can soak in a nice hot bath and I'll take you out on the town for a show and a slap up meal. Look here's the taxi.... Driver... Romsey Close, Farnborough please."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 02, 08, 06:25 AM
Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning mathematics.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.


After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Morris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Morris got an 'A' in maths.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: 'Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?'
Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, 'No'
 
'Well, then', she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?'
Little Morris looked at her and said,

'Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
Plus Sign,
I knew they weren't fucking around.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 02, 08, 07:12 AM
Accident Investigation and Aviation Health & Safety have now determined the cause of the crash in which an aeroplane crashed into a house in Kent.

Someone had left the landing light on!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 03, 08, 06:33 AM
 white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
 
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
 
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house.
 
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is amass with $100 bills.
 
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and there are two
persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan garb. They drag him outside to the
nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's dead.
 
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods revealing
the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
understand the first wish, having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to.
 
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
 
... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Apr 03, 08, 10:32 AM

... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'


It's an oldie in another form... and I still have a  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 04, 08, 03:03 PM
I lay upon a grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver.
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg rolled into the river.








A short poem by Sir Paul McCartney
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 04, 08, 04:50 PM
A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

*****

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R something.

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 04, 08, 05:32 PM
A bloke went to the Doctor as he was having trouble getting his wife pregant.
The Doc examined him, told him he need to supply a sperm sample, gave him a container, and told him to bring it back in a day or so.
 A week later the bloke went back, but the container was empty..........."Why is it empty ?" enquired the Doc.
"I couldn't manage it" replied the bloke................"I tried very hard for a couple of days, then the wife had a go, and still nothing............so she called in the 70 year old granny next door, and she tried it, with and without her teeth, but still nothing.................................none of us could get the bloody lid off !"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 04, 08, 06:29 PM
A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

*****


 :toff:  I laughed at that one
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 05, 08, 11:50 AM
Police arrested a man in arbroath this morning over the head on the beach case.

He was seen walking through the town with a morrisons bag when the arse fell out it
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Gyrodek on Apr 07, 08, 10:26 AM
Women eh...........boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise........ and THEN...................they wont take it up the arse 'cos: "it hurts!"   ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Gyrodek on Apr 07, 08, 10:28 AM
Husband returns home from his travels with his latest discovery- a cock sucking frog. His wife says " what am i supposed to do with that?" to which the husband replies "teach it to cook then fuck off!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 07, 08, 05:59 PM
Couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and
she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
 
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
 asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
 

 
You're going to love this..................

 
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............

 
 
 
 
 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'


**************************************************************************

3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will
wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.'
He saw me he said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long

The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we
had wild sex all night.'

The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over
my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:.


'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 09, 08, 04:28 PM
Leeched.

A hill-farmer was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely hill-farmer. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But, the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the it.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the hill-farmer started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 09, 08, 04:39 PM
Craig Meehan is an anagram of Reaming Ache...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 10, 08, 05:45 PM
BRITISH DRINKING RULE

A Polish guy drinks his beer then suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Poland our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice'

A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'

A British chap, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pole and the Pakistani and catches his glass.

He says, 'In Britain we now have that many Pakistanis and Poles that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Britain !
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Apr 10, 08, 08:39 PM
Now that is the first good joke I have seen in this thread so it doesn't belong here
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 10, 08, 09:17 PM
I'm in the poo again aren't I ?  ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Apr 10, 08, 09:18 PM
I'm in the poo again aren't I ?  ;D
Whatever turns you on....

;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 10, 08, 09:21 PM
Mostly anything these days.... :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Apr 10, 08, 09:37 PM
Mostly anything these days.... :blush:

Really?

(http://www.keynshamweb.org.uk/richard/whip.gif)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 10, 08, 10:10 PM
Wooohoooooo....... :gig: :angel3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 11, 08, 05:56 PM
A bloke and his girlfriend are just about to have sex when she asks if he's got a condom.
Of course, the bloke says .In fact , I bought a special Olympic pack with gold ,silver ,and bronze-coloured ones.
As he starts to put on the gold one, his girlfriend stops him and says:
Could you put the silver one on?
When the bloke ask why, she replies:
So you come second for a change.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 11, 08, 05:58 PM
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "There's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 11, 08, 06:07 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 11, 08, 06:15 PM
Breaking News...

The Olympic flame has gone out in Paris....just proves that she will stick anything up her ***t.

leeched from DM at TT
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 11, 08, 07:53 PM
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 11, 08, 09:12 PM
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day. The religious programs make me feel good and the comdies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the door bell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Gyrodek on Apr 12, 08, 12:12 PM


What's the best thing about making love to twenty eight year olds?









There are twenty of them.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 15, 08, 04:19 PM
Mark Speight has been found dead.  His body was hanging in Paddington Railway Station splattered with blue paint, covered in glitter and had crayons sticking out of his ass.

Police believe he had a massive art attack!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 16, 08, 07:48 PM
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replies, "Meow..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 16, 08, 08:36 PM
too good for this thread that
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Apr 17, 08, 04:50 PM
A bloke and his girlfriend are just about to have sex when she asks if he's got a condom.
Of course, the bloke says .In fact , I bought a special Olympic pack with gold ,silver ,and bronze-coloured ones.
As he starts to put on the gold one, his girlfriend stops him and says:
Could you put the silver one on?
When the bloke ask why, she replies:
So you come second for a change.

rather good that one too  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 18, 08, 06:30 AM
Two Irishmen were walking home from the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'
'I know, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.'
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other
keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?
Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: lucubration on Apr 18, 08, 06:54 AM
Goatse Ribspreader http://www.boners.com/grub/804936.html

http://www.boners.com/grub/804985.html
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 18, 08, 06:13 PM
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
 
 A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
 
 A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
 
 The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

************************************

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's called sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's 1.50 per minute.

****************

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital again in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped and asked her for her licence.
"Shit !" she said, and sped off around the corner.
 Mext, Mad Jim stopped her and asked her for her Insurance documents.
 "Fuck !" she said, and took off again at speed.
 Rounding the next corner, she met Big Richard who was standing naked in the corridor with a very impressive erection.
 "Oh no !" she said "Not the fucking breathalyser again !".

************************************

A new vibrator has been launched on the market, that is so realistic that, just before the woman reaches an orgasm, it comes, coughs, farts, goes limp, then switches itself off.

***************************

How do you confuse a Guardian reader ?
 Tell them that asylum-seekers hunt down and kill paedophiles.

***********************************

What can a bird do that a man cannot ?
 Whistle through his pecker.

************************************

I went for a job interview for a job as a Blacksmith yesterday.
The interviewer said " Have you ever shoed a horse before ?"
 "No" I said, "But I have told a Donkey to piss off".

*******************

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery Firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

*******************************************************

My wife has developed the vacuum cleaner syndrome.............whining all the time, and now she's stopped sucking completey.

**********************************************

How do you make a baby drink ?
Put it in a blender.

************************************************

We are always being told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours.
 Why the heck should we ?
 My 93 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch...................she hasn't taken in her milk or newspapers for two weeks !.

*****************************

Two men were walking their dogs through a grave yard, and one man turns to the other and says "Morning".............the other replies "No, just walking the dog."

**************************

I still occasionally have a wank over my ex................I have the keys to her flat, and she is a heavy sleeper.

********************

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic, if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends ?

**************************

A mother, cleaning her son's bedroom, rinds an S & M magazine under his bed.
 Upset, she goes downstairs and shows the magazine to her husband.
 "Well ?" his wife asks, "What do you think we should do about this ?"
"I'm not sure" replies the husband, "But we sure as hell shouldn't spank him !"

***********
 

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 18, 08, 08:17 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 19, 08, 07:20 PM
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 19, 08, 08:07 PM
What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches watches .........
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 21, 08, 07:48 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said.... 'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 21, 08, 08:37 PM
That shouldn't be in this thread

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Apr 22, 08, 12:14 AM

I agree it's too good a joke. Unfortunately it's a wee bit close to home, or too close to reality!?!

Bill
Title: Re: Heaven or Hell ??
Post by: Yvonne on Apr 22, 08, 07:51 AM
Heaven   :angel:  or    :o   Hell


An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and sodomised.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'


(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/7708/thedevilwj0.png)
Title: Re: Heaven or Hell ??
Post by: Babs on Apr 22, 08, 10:15 AM


(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/7708/thedevilwj0.png)

 rofl  excellent     :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 22, 08, 12:55 PM
I wish to make a complaint

The jokes in the thread are getting too good

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Heaven or Hell ??
Post by: Yvonne on Apr 22, 08, 02:10 PM
rofl  excellent     :yup:


Glad you had a giggle,  :D


I wish to make a complaint

The jokes in the thread are getting too good

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 22, 08, 07:44 PM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as
her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 23, 08, 07:16 PM
Leeched - thanx to Diogenes

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I re attached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travailing 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 25, 08, 05:48 PM
A revised version of an old joke......

Quote
    A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a 20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are 20 notes falling out of that bag...''Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!''Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?''Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '20 or off it comes!'

   

    ''Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 25, 08, 05:49 PM
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
 And without missing a beat, she says:



 'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'

 

*************************************************

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Perth.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his

mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.'


Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his  mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
 he talks, the dumber he gets.'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Apr 25, 08, 06:13 PM
The man rubbed the magic lamp and a genie appeared.

His voice boomed out "OK, there's been some cut-backs, so you only get one wish, so you'd better make it a good one".

"I'd like you to turn me into a guaranteed pleasure machine for women"

"Fair enough", and he changed him into a free chocolate vending machine.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 25, 08, 07:08 PM
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle.

"So... where are all the cows?"

"None of 'em survived the branding."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 29, 08, 05:36 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had overdone the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, they needed a wee on the way home, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair, which she didn't want ruin. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath and ribbon, so she used the ribbon.

After the girls did their business they toddled off home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned, as his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'I'm starting to get suspicious about these girly nights out - my wife came home last night without her panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From everyone at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''   
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 01, 08, 03:52 PM
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

*****

The Karma Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber:

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

*****

My wife told me that she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'

So, I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

*****



Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 01, 08, 04:21 PM
I'm not saying Ronaldo is thick but, after his recent escapade with transvestite prostitutes, when his team-mates asked him if he actually enjoyed the blow-job, he replied that it did indeed taste rather odd.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 06, 08, 08:02 PM
.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 07, 08, 07:27 PM
little susies beginning her monthly bleeding, but isnt quite sure whats going on. Embarrassed about telling her parents she decides to speak to her good friend jonny.

susie lifts up her dress and pulls down her panties and shows jonny the problem. "do you know whats wrong" susie asks.

"well im no doctor" replies jonny "but it looks like someones ripped your bolloks off!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 09, 08, 10:55 AM
The mcanns have complained to the national hide and seek governing body. Saying that the fritzels should be disqualified seen as she had inside help!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 11, 08, 05:36 PM
My wife was admitted to hospital last week with head wounds after we did some kinky role-play together.

She decided to be a prostitute, I decided to be Peter Sutcliffe.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 15, 08, 06:00 PM
There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "Do not Bend" on it.

I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 19, 08, 10:44 AM
Bloke walking down the street notices a man shuffling towards him like John Wayne and looking very uncomfortable indeed.

"You okay, mate? You look like you're in a bit of trouble."

"Yeah, fine." The guy says, breathing heavily. "Just shit meself, that's all."

"Oh, Jesus! Why are you still walking around? There's a public toilet just over that way. Shouldn't you try to clean yourself up a bit?"

"Haven't finished yet."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on May 23, 08, 11:41 PM
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, Great, I'll take it! And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on May 23, 08, 11:45 PM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! But you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 24, 08, 06:16 PM
New John Terry Vodka ... bottled in Russia, slips down a treat, at the end of a long night.

Ryan Giggs has said the Champions League Cup is like a chocolate orange, its not Terry's it mine.

Samaritans are offering counseling to all Chelsea fans - call 0800 101010 - thats 08000 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

Chelsea helpline 0800 6-5 6-5 6-5.

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."

Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.

Good news is that Austrian Josef Fritzl has been sentenced to the death penalty ... unfortunately John Terry is taking it.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on May 25, 08, 06:37 PM
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant alerts the pilot and copilot of the situation.

The copilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 29, 08, 07:11 PM
BBC have reported today that petrol stations will be showing pron movies at the petrol pumps...........insider says its so you can see someone else getting screwed at the same time as you...lol.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 02, 08, 06:17 PM
I've just come off the phone with the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a large goat with a long neck.
















Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 03, 08, 06:10 PM
The play school children were now in the first year at school. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in a play school. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked little Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 03, 08, 07:46 PM

Have you ever heard of the movie 'Constipated?'



No, beacause it hasn't come out yet.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 03, 08, 07:51 PM
Romeo was used to standing ovations, now he just hopes for a stand.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jun 03, 08, 08:48 PM
Romeo was used to standing ovations, now he just hopes for a stand.

am I being dense? or am I missing sumfink?

I just don't get it
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 04, 08, 09:05 AM
am I being dense? or am I missing sumfink?


One or the other...  ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 05, 08, 09:16 PM
Q: What is green,in your nose, and sings?



A: FRANK SNOTATRA
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 05, 08, 09:19 PM
Q: What is a vampire's favorite fruit?


A: Neck-tarines!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 05, 08, 09:26 PM
Q: Two vampires walk into a bar and one vampire says to the bartender give me a glass of blood. So, the bartender hands him a glass of blood.

The second vampire asked for just plain water. The bartender asks, "Why plain water? Why not a glass of blood?



A: The vampires takes out a tampon from his pocket and says, "I have a tea bag...."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 10, 08, 09:06 PM
: What did the penis tell the condom?



A: Cover me, I'm going in.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 11, 08, 06:06 PM

"Well, Robby", said Fred in the pub, "I've had two unhappy marriages..."
"Well?" asked Robby.
"My first wife died and now my second one won't!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 11, 08, 07:03 PM
"Well, Robby", said Fred in the pub, "I've had two unhappy marriages..."
"Well?" asked Robby.
"My first wife died and now my second one won't!"

To ease his disappointment, Fred decided to visit a massage parlour. Left in a huff. Said they rubbed him up the wrong way.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 11, 08, 07:19 PM
A glimmer of hope for Fred. His was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Fred spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a jumbo-sized can of peas."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jun 11, 08, 08:18 PM
The train came to a grinding halt, someone had pulled the communication cord. The guard went through the carriages looking for the reason and came to one of the toilets with the door closed.

He bangs on the door

"Are you all right in there?",

"No" came the reply.

"What is the problem said the guard?",

"haemorrhoids" said the man in the toilet.

The guard was astounded, "haemorrhoids!, I have haemorrhoids, but they don't make me want to pull the communication cord"

"Your's aren't wrapped around the axle" ..........
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 11, 08, 08:32 PM
ouch!


leeched
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 12, 08, 07:53 AM
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn't know what to make of it.

*****

After learning of the possible closure of his Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson has told of his intention to build a brand new dinosaur theme park. He's promised that every kid who visits will leave with a megasoreass.

*****

I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make.
I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.
Now, I can't even bring myself to talk to her.
To be honest, I don't even want to take her for a walk or play fetch.

*****

Contrary to the popular cartoon, there are actually no builders in the UK called Bob.
That's because "Bob" isn't a Polish name.

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 14, 08, 07:30 PM

 I went to a wedding at a nudist colony last week.

Believe me, I was quite honored to be named Best Man!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 14, 08, 07:49 PM
What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

 Got two fives for a ten?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 17, 08, 08:46 PM
Carlsberg delivery drivers are to join the Shell Tanker drivers in their strike action this weekend.

Guess I'd better go out and panic drink in case the beer runs out.


better late than never
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 25, 08, 06:06 PM
The local vicar is walking through his graveyard one day and sees a man leaning against a gravestone.

"Morning" says the vicar to the man

"Nope" says the man " Having a Piss "
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jun 25, 08, 07:24 PM
Carlsberg delivery drivers are to join the Shell Tanker drivers in their strike action this weekend.

Guess I'd better go out and panic drink in case the beer runs out.


better late than never

if it was Carling, I would be very happy for them to be on strike permanently ( it is the worse lager I have ever had the misfortune to mistakenly buy)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 30, 08, 09:29 AM
I went round to see my sisters new baby yestrday, and she asked me if i wanted to wind her.
i thought that was a bit harsh, so i just gave her a dead arm.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 30, 08, 03:46 PM
I went round to see my sisters new baby yestrday, and she asked me if i wanted to wind her.
i thought that was a bit harsh, so i just gave her a dead arm.

Was that the baby, your sister, or both?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 01, 08, 08:39 AM
New doll available to buy, doesn't come with house, car, pets, clothes, furniture, farm or money.

It is called Zim-Barbwe
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 06, 08, 07:12 PM
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 06, 08, 09:24 PM
Want a picture of Jordan with nothing left out?

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/Ya...m=1076 060967
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jul 06, 08, 10:03 PM
Want a picture of Jordan with nothing left out?

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/Ya...m=1076 060967
Your link takes me to the frontpage of the C4P shop.... Bwoken?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 07, 08, 11:14 AM
bwoken
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 07, 08, 11:23 AM
try this

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi?board=general_cat;action=display;num=1076060967
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 07, 08, 11:36 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Carol,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

Carol replied ...'It's not talcum powder.....It's 'Miracle Grow'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jul 07, 08, 12:41 PM
try this

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi?board=general_cat;action=display;num=1076060967
Cor, that was amazing. I mean, look at the Jufurs on that...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 07, 08, 12:53 PM
http://tinyurl.com/2w4apm
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 11, 08, 05:31 PM
Mark comes home from work and his girlfriend is waiting by the door...

"I'm leaving you! I've just found out your a paedophile!!" she says!!

"ooooh, paedophile..." he replies...

"thats a big word for an 11 year old!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 13, 08, 06:27 AM
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "yes, sir."

So I said, "could I have one in exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday..?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 15, 08, 12:37 PM

   

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

-Ever wondered why?


















.....Because she smells like a new car.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jul 15, 08, 02:55 PM
   

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

-Ever wondered why?



.....Because she smells like a new car.

That is probably true...    :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 16, 08, 09:44 AM
My Grandad has got Parkinson's.

















He can't stop interviewing people...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jul 16, 08, 09:46 PM
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 16, 08, 10:02 PM
Dear, oh dear, oh dear...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 23, 08, 08:35 PM
A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife.

Overcome by anger, he stabs him to death.

The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no friends left!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 25, 08, 07:32 PM
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want. After all, you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right. Well, sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish," God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific, Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check". "Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"I dunno....I just fancied a multi-storey Carp Ark"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 03, 08, 06:54 PM
A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a pork pie.

The Bartender serves him. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie and starts crumbling it on the top of his head.

The man asks for another pint and pork pie.

The Bartender serves him again. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie and crumbles it on his head.

The Bartender bar looks a little confused as to why he is crumbling the pies on his head.

By this time a second man walks into the pub and says

'Hi mate, can I have a pint and a pork pie please?'

Bartender thinks for a minute and replies, 'Sorry, we don't have any pork pies left, will a packet of crisps be OK?'

The man says 'yeah, a packet of crisps will be fine.'

The second man drinks his pint, then takes the crisps out of the packet and starts crumbling them on his head.

The Bartender asks the man 'Excuse me, why are you crumbling those crisps on your head?'

The man replies 'Because there are no pork pies left!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Aug 03, 08, 07:07 PM
HRRRRRMMMPHH!

They ARE meant to be jokes, even in the loosest sense of the word  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Aug 03, 08, 07:10 PM
The man replies 'Because there are no pork pies left!'

Now that is funny, Mr Bukowski.

;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 06, 08, 10:22 PM
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
Still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
Was a very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
Upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
Exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go
Upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
Pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
And he'll take good care of you.'

So, uppa she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 07, 08, 08:17 AM

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'


Babs laughed.

And Yvonne will blush!  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 09, 08, 05:55 PM
Thanks to the credit crunch, I've started doing my shopping at Aldi.

I tell you something - if you ever start going there, make sure you get the Korean meatballs.

They're the dogs bollocks...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 10, 08, 11:54 AM
Q:   What do toads rub one out to?



A:   Frogs' porn
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Aug 11, 08, 10:39 AM
Q:   What do toads rub one out to?



A:   Frogs' porn

:groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 15, 08, 07:13 AM
If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else...  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 15, 08, 08:44 PM
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

He was a bad minton.

*****

I arrived home yesterday and found the cat dead in the washing machine, it must have climbed in there after i added the clothes. Still ..... at least the cat died in comfort!

*****

I was watching the Olympics and thought to myself, Is there anything that these Chinese arnt good at???

Then i remembered, cockle picking on Morecombe Bay.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 15, 08, 09:56 PM

I was watching the Olympics and thought to myself, Is there anything that these Chinese arnt good at???

Then i remembered, cockle picking on Morecombe Bay.


That is the spirit of this thread...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 16, 08, 08:34 AM
You know me  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 16, 08, 08:39 AM
You know me  >:D

Yup.  :dram:

(Don't forget the bike show in Bristol Corn St today... we'll be setting off soon!)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 17, 08, 07:36 PM
Leeched.

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally,
Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except
for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was
the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 18, 08, 09:35 PM
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the
supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual
harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 18, 08, 09:59 PM
I got caught speeding yesterday.

The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.

Half way down he stopped me and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering."

I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 19, 08, 09:21 AM
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives.

His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games..
.but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.

At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 19, 08, 07:44 PM
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

The first woman said, "I call my man Big Dick, cause he's got a big dick!"

The second woman says, "I call my man Long John, cos he's got a looonng john!"

The third woman says, "I call my man Courvoisier!"

"Courvoisier?!!" echo the other two, "ain't that some kind of fancy French liquor?"

"Yeah! Right on!!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 19, 08, 10:31 PM
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 25, 08, 08:43 PM
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 25, 08, 09:00 PM
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 27, 08, 07:36 PM
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 31, 08, 10:57 AM
It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body according to Gary Glitter.
He said all he did was, put a Thai on his cock!

*****

One of the British Cyclists has been arrested for drug abuse, but luckily it turned out he was only peddling.

*****

The wife isnt speaking to me at the moment because i didnt open the car door for her. It wasnt my fault!!! I just panicked and just swam to the surface!

*****

A man was nude sunbathing in his garden and fell asleep in the full sun. When he woke, he was sun burnt from head to toe, including his todger!. He ran inside and phoned his doctor who told him to dip his willy into a glass of cold milk to relieve the burn. As he was stood there with his dick in the saucer of milk, his blonde wife walked in and saw him.

"Wow!" she says. "I always wondered how you managed to refill those things".

*****

LAST MINUTE HOLIDAY DEAL SPECIAL :-

Thomas Cook are offering cheap wedding package vacations to Antigua with free shots thrown in for honeymooners.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 03, 08, 05:48 PM
Two male firefighters are having sex in a smoke filled room. Their chief bursts in through the door and says,

"Holy shit, what are you two guys up to?"

One of the firefighters looks up and says,

"John's suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!"

The chief says, "Well why aren't you administering mouth to mouth resuscitation?"

"I did sir," replies the firefighter, "How the fuck do you think this got started?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 03, 08, 09:19 PM
The police have now released the bodies from the burnt out mansion, they're now cold.
Well, you wouldn't want a warm fosters would you?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 04, 08, 07:16 AM
You are invited to a family BBQ at a mansion in Shropshire.

There will be plenty of lager, but no Fosters!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 07, 08, 07:33 AM
God, I was so proud to see Britain's "special" athletes today. Their struggle against adversity is so inspirational.

Even being there is incredible, let alone beating Andorra 2-0.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 17, 08, 11:59 PM
Bloke goes into a record shop.

He asked the chap behind the counter if he had anything by The Doors.

Chap said "a mop, a bucket and a fuckin' fire-extinguisher if you must know..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 18, 08, 08:16 PM
Mr Darby: Joan, I'm in love with another woman, and i'm going to move in with her.
Mrs Darby: But Peter, why? We've had 49 years together, we've raised 3 beautiful children, I thought we were going to walk into the sunset together... why now? And who is she, anyway?
Mr Darby: It's Lily.
Mrs Darby: Lily across the road!! What's SHE got that i haven't?
Mr Darby: Parkinson's...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 19, 08, 06:08 AM

Mr Darby: Parkinson's...


I bet at least 3/4 of the people reading won't fall in.  :angel2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 19, 08, 06:16 AM
I was stuck in traffic on the motorway, busting to pee, I looked on the floor and there was an empty coke can.
I took a leak in that hoping that no other drivers could see me.
However a cop car pulls up next to me and sees the whole thing.

Now I'm being done for possesion of canapiss...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 22, 08, 12:40 AM
"ALZHEIMER'S" OR "PARKINSON'S "

Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSON'S of course!   


Better to spill half your drink, than forget where the fuck you put it!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 22, 08, 02:46 AM
It was announced today that scientists in Stockwood have been planning and building their own version of the particle collider at Cern.

Due to start the experiments in November, they already have the string and are just waiting for the conkers to come into season.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 22, 08, 07:46 AM
 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :tnx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 22, 08, 11:36 AM
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way.

Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: "Oh John.... !!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!"

"Well that's quite simple,"John answers...... "That's when I come to pick you up again!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 23, 08, 10:07 AM
My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Sep 23, 08, 01:11 PM
My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:

I had enough of those in the US Navy to last a life time. I can understand her attitude.

Bill
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 23, 08, 06:21 PM
My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:

 whoosh
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 23, 08, 09:55 PM
whoosh

Google is your friend - you'll need to turn safesearch off though.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 23, 08, 10:01 PM
 :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 23, 08, 10:16 PM
:yuck:

 :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 23, 08, 10:19 PM
You can wipe that moustache off your face  :toff:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 23, 08, 10:34 PM
You can wipe that moustache off your face  :toff:

It's not on my face...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Sep 23, 08, 10:35 PM
It's not on my face...

Well don't look at me...    :t:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 23, 08, 10:36 PM
Well don't look at me...    :t:

 :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 23, 08, 11:18 PM
Gives the 118118 adverts a whole new meaning ....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 24, 08, 04:50 AM
Gives the 118118 adverts a whole new meaning ....

Probably not the one that the advertising agency had in mind though?  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 24, 08, 09:25 PM
Talking of numbers..............

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.
He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Sep 24, 08, 09:29 PM

And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....



 :hysterical:    rofl    :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 25, 08, 06:56 PM
I went to a fortune teller the other day and she said that a lot of money was heading my way. I was well chuffed. I walked out the door with the biggest of grins on my face. I started to cross the road and then it hit me.............................. a Securicor van
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Sep 25, 08, 08:17 PM
My wife said that she fancied haute cuisine, so I moved the cooker onto the roof...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 30, 08, 04:14 PM
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor...





'We're having a new kitchen fitted.'

*****

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?" The guy asked.

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs thought....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Here it is.........


"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 02, 08, 09:15 PM
"This is Steve Fossett to tower. I am flying through the mountains and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "

"Tower to Fossett. Tower to Fossett. Repeat after me, Our Father, who art in heaven..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 03, 08, 10:39 AM
I was talking to Derek earlier.

I said, "how do you tell the difference between a male and a female hedgehog?"

He said, "easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a pained look on their face..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Oct 03, 08, 04:53 PM
My wife said that she fancied haute cuisine, so I moved the cooker onto the roof...

I don't get that............... :-[

oh,.........................haut...............................................high........... :blush:

Bugger...... :f:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 04, 08, 07:32 AM
I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. 

As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behavior wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 04, 08, 07:55 AM
I can believe that ....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 04, 08, 09:35 AM
I can believe that ....

The joke is, Razor, at a Labour party conference.  :hysterical:

Oh yes, and the Labour party themselves.  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 05, 08, 05:27 PM
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
 
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
 
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
 
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Hara-Kiri Bank on the other hand is not expected to survive as it has haemorrhaged too much since it was opened up earlier in the day.
 
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 08, 08, 06:10 PM
I was in the pub last night when Mein Host asked me, “how come don't we see you in here with Pat any more?”

I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money that he never repays, always wriggles out of his round, and when your back's turned he fucks your wife and her sister?”

“Shit, no!” he said, gobsmacked.

“Well, neither would Pat” I conceded, blushing...  :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 09, 08, 03:10 AM
I tried ringing the premature ejaculation advice line last night, but I could only get as far as 0845 79

*****

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's just that old women are so very ugly.

*****

What is the most common crime in Wales?

Ram raiding

*****

My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom.

So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 09, 08, 08:38 AM
Oi!, Razor!

I see your wife has handed you your balls on bits of string.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 09, 08, 03:04 PM
Oi!, Razor!

I see your wife has handed you your balls on bits of string.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

After she smashed one of 'em first!  :toff:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 09, 08, 04:32 PM
After she smashed one of 'em first!  :toff:

You married my ex?  :eek2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 09, 08, 07:46 PM
There are so many people with the names WING and WONG

People are always wingin wong numbers.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 11, 08, 07:16 PM
A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours.
He is about to die.

Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls.
The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands: "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."

The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.

The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs "Please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.

His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands: "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar..."

:hide:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Oct 11, 08, 09:46 PM
 :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 11, 08, 10:22 PM
There is a small company with only the boss and two employees, Jill and Jack.

Boss: "Jill, business hasn't been good for the last few months so I'll have to lay you or Jack off.

Jill: "You'll have to jack off because I have a headache"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 15, 08, 10:32 PM
Seems Playboy offered Colleen 100k to pose, provided she shaved her twat. Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 16, 08, 08:12 PM
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic Streaker got in common?

They both have frozen assets
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Oct 16, 08, 09:38 PM
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic Streaker got in common?

They both have frozen assets

Oi Sparry

stop stealing old jokes that have been already posted

http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=19654.0
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 17, 08, 05:11 AM
For the last few years, I have suffered with what I thought really bad hemorrhoids - agony going for a shit, blood on the toilet paper and such - so I finally went to my doctor to ask for advice.

She said "if Babs offers the ultimatum of 'load the washing-machine, or she'll shove a pineapple up your arse when you are asleep' then you really should do as you're told..."  :o
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 18, 08, 06:01 PM
I went swimming today.

Halfway through the session I was desperate to go to the toilet, I couldn't hold it in.

I thought I would go swim to the corner and let it out gradually, no one will notice as long as I keep swimming.

In hindsight, maybe I should get out of the pool next time I want a shit...  :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 19, 08, 12:27 PM
I met Van Gogh in the pub last night, offered to buy him a drink.

He said "No thanks, I've got one ear..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Oct 19, 08, 02:03 PM
I met Van Gogh in the pub last night, offered to buy him a drink.

He said "No thanks, I've got one ear..."
:n:

 :t:

 ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Oct 19, 08, 02:05 PM
The Australian elephant turned up at the elephant graveyard and the gatekeeper said "have you come here to die?"

No says the elephant, I got here yesterday................ :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 20, 08, 06:14 PM
Chas and Dave are planning to re-release "Spurs are on their way to Wembley" in time for the 2010/11 Johnstone Paints Trophy campaign.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 20, 08, 07:14 PM
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you breakfast would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 21, 08, 11:42 AM

3 nurses walk into a morgue to discover a dead man wid a hard on. . .1st nurse goes cant let that cck go to waste, so she ride, 2nd nurse does the same. 3rd nurse hesitates abit and says im on my period, bt goes ahead and rides it anyway,
SUDDENLY the man jumps up, the nurses scream, 'we thought your dead' . . .man replies ' i was, but after two jump startz and a blood transfusion i feel beter than ever'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 21, 08, 02:23 PM
Is it my imagination or are the jokes in this worst jokes thread getting worse?  :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 21, 08, 02:25 PM
Is it my imagination or are the jokes in this worst jokes thread getting worse?  :groan

Yes.

hth.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 22, 08, 11:39 AM
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.

Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumber yard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman."

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 23, 08, 11:34 AM
The sexual position formerly known as 69 is now called 96. Due to inflation and the credit crunch, the cost of eating out has gone up!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 08, 09:01 PM
A man walked into a florist and said, ''I’d like some flowers, please.''

''Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?''

''I’m not really sure.''

''Perhaps I could help,'' suggested the florist. ''What exactly have you done?''
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 23, 08, 09:04 PM
that's a joke?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Oct 23, 08, 09:15 PM
that's a joke?
Yes. This is a joke thread. It's a bad joke, because this is the bad joke thread.

HTH.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 08, 09:51 PM
Sumosexual - one who only shags fat birds...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 23, 08, 10:37 PM
There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Oct 23, 08, 10:39 PM
There once was a man from Nepal
Who never finished anything at all
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Oct 23, 08, 11:03 PM
I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again.

The fucking stock market's gone crazy...

;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 26, 08, 01:21 PM
I got thrown out of church this morning.

Apparently, the bucket at the back marked " For the Sick" isn't what it sounds like.  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 29, 08, 06:44 PM
In light of this week's fuck-up, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been placed on the Sachs offenders register.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 31, 08, 05:15 PM
Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now c*nt!?

Love,
Gary Glitter
x
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 31, 08, 05:20 PM
Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now c*nt!?

Love,
Gary Glitter
x

Proof that 'sick' and 'funny' can happily co-exist.  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 31, 08, 08:36 PM
Just painted my wellies SILVER & put them in the porch for tonight!











The Little BARSTEWARDS wont knock if they think Gary Glitter lives here!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 02, 08, 10:27 AM
A blind man goes on a trip in his private jet and, at 20,000 feet, the pilot calls him into cockpit and tells him he has chest pains and suddenly dies of a heart attack.

The blind man feels the plane nose-diving and rocking violently so he drags the pilot out of his seat straps himself in, fumbles around to find the radio and calls into it, "Mayday! Mayday!"

Ground control hear the call for help and enquire as what the problem is.

The Blind man replies, "I am blind and alone in an  airplane, the pilot is dead and I'm flying upside down."

Ground control says, "Calm down sir. Just to clarify, you are blind so how the hell do you know you are flying upside down?"

The blind man replied, "Because the shit is running between my shoulderblades!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 05, 08, 12:28 PM
Apparently there has been a three-car pile up on the M6 involving a Siamese twin, a bearded lady and a contortionist.

Police are describing it as a 'freak accident.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 05, 08, 08:55 PM
Black women all over the world are shaving there pubic hairs today in support of OBAMA'S election.Their message to the world "READ OUR LIPS:-NO MORE BUSH"!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 08, 08, 01:37 PM
Judge to prostitute,So when did you realize you were raped?

Prostitute, wiping away tears: When the cheque bounced.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 11, 08, 05:54 PM

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things.

However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone.

 The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy.

He said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack.

The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything.

The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room.

The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this.

However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored.

The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise.

The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse.

No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls.

He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls.

The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 14, 08, 10:25 AM
Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be doing anything for Children In Need this year...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 14, 08, 05:47 PM
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young lady.

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young lady proposes,

"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young lady, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the lady pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says,

"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.

The lady pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young lady says,

"If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money.

The lady then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.

"See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 15, 08, 06:34 PM
Following a whirlwind romance, Garry Glitter is to marry his fiance at Gretna Green.
When asked why his new In-Laws wernt invited, he claimed his bride hadnt spoken to her parents since a nightmare holiday last year in Portugal.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 15, 08, 06:37 PM
It has just been announced that Al-Qaeda have hidden bombs inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

A police spokesperson said if they were to go off, it could spell disaster!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 11:15 AM
an wee old lady comes out of her house pullimg her shopping trolley behind her.
shes heading to the shops and as she passes the local cinema, the bill poster is hard at work sticking up the massive posters to advertise the new movies.
she stands and watches as hes up the ladder and down the ladder into the van and out with more posters.

after 10 minutes hes finally on the last part of the poster and the old lady shouts up

" son, son................is that superman coming? "

he looks down and replies,

" no dear, thats the paste dripping from the brush "
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 17, 08, 11:22 AM
I was disgusted when I saw Tesco selling tins of baby peas.

Surely its a bit too soon...?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 12:32 PM
The local health authority is organising a reunion for all patients (past and present) from the hospital burns unit, all information can be found on their website www.friends-reignited.co.uk
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Nov 17, 08, 04:44 PM
Fred's just posted an amusing joke!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 04:48 PM
the whole point is not to in this thread so  I'm disappointed
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Nov 17, 08, 05:38 PM
the whole point is not to in this thread so  I'm disappointed

I've a warped sense of humour, fred.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 05:53 PM
Quote
I've a warped sense of humour, fred


I'm sure you've noticed that I have as well
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 07:44 PM
    A man walks into doctor's office.
    "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 07:45 PM
A policeman stopped a motorist one evening and asked him "Excuse me sir, but do you realise you are driving without a rear light?"
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a huge groan. His distress seemed so obvious that the policeman was sympathetic.
"Now, you don't have to take it so hard" he said "It isn't all that serious"
"Isn't it?" cried the motorist "Whats happened to my b****y caravan?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 07:46 PM
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.

A 2nd man said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your d!**?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man asks, "Why? What colour is it now?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Nov 17, 08, 08:45 PM

I'm sure you've noticed that I have as well

I've noticed you've learned how to copy and paste.  ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 17, 08, 08:59 PM
as have we all
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 18, 08, 11:03 AM
I was disgusted when I saw Tesco selling tins of baby peas.

Surely its a bit too soon...?


Sad to see that Haringey Social Services have done fuck all for Children In Need this year.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 20, 08, 07:25 PM
Apparently Anne Summers in Southend have just released a range of crotchless shell-suits...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 27, 08, 10:47 PM
I said to Fred, "did you hear about Woolies going down?"

Bless him, he looked all excited for a moment...  :ewe:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 28, 08, 07:13 PM
Maggie Ann is hanging out the washing when she hears sounds of coughing and sawing from next door. Looking over the fence , she sees her neighbour with a pile of wood and asks him "What are you doing off work?"
"Oh", says the neighbour, "I've had to stay off work and send for the doctor for my wife; she is very ill"
"Is that her coughin'"
"No, it's a rabbit hutch I'm making for the kids"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 28, 08, 07:19 PM
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Nov 28, 08, 10:49 PM


Fred that one smells even from over here.  :groan

Bill
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Nov 29, 08, 10:24 AM

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


 rofl You have excelled yourself with that one, Fred!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 29, 08, 03:17 PM
Totally implausible

There are NO highways in Transylvania  :cvan:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 29, 08, 03:35 PM
Totally implausible

There are NO highways in Transylvania  :cvan:
What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Nov 29, 08, 09:27 PM
What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:

Transylvania?

Vampires don't drive...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 29, 08, 10:22 PM
If you're unsure about abortion, just take a look at Timmy Mallet...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 30, 08, 08:35 AM
Transylvania?

Vampires don't drive...
Why not?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 30, 08, 09:32 AM
What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:

Cars!  they haven't come that far into the 20th century yet.  They still use horse & carts on dirt tracks, when they aren't flying
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 30, 08, 09:41 AM
Cars!  they haven't come that far into the 20th century yet.  They still use horse & carts on dirt tracks, when they aren't flying
If they can fly, why would they want to use horse and cart?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 30, 08, 11:21 AM
If they can fly, why would they want to use horse and cart?  :think:

When was the last time you saw a bat carrying a wardrobe?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 30, 08, 12:27 PM
When was the last time you saw a bat carrying a wardrobe?
A couple of weeks ago?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 30, 08, 12:32 PM
A couple of weeks ago?

About time for a review of your medication then...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 30, 08, 12:38 PM
About time for a review of your medication then...  :pa
But I wouldn't see the bats with the wardrobes any more...  :'(
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 30, 08, 12:54 PM
But I wouldn't see the bats with the wardrobes any more...  :'(

You'd save yourself the backache from a lot of unnecessary evasive action though...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 30, 08, 06:34 PM
A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation. Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.
When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 01, 08, 04:22 PM
What's warm, moist, and makes people want to rip their pants off?  :think:










Diarrhoea.  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Dec 01, 08, 06:08 PM
What's warm, moist, and makes people want to rip their pants off?  :think:

Diarrhoea.  :yuck:

Bad isn't the word for that one and almost very deserving. In fact it is deserving of a very special award

 :dfb5: 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 01, 08, 06:32 PM
Bad isn't the word for that one and almost very deserving. In fact it is deserving of a very special award

 :dfb5: 

You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Dec 01, 08, 06:40 PM
Mary had a little lamb
And it was always grunting
So she gave it some throat lozenges and it was much better after that.

:)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 01, 08, 07:33 PM
You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:


ever known the doc to be right?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 01, 08, 07:53 PM

Family driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids 'my that was a big insect' to which her 7 year old son says 'im surprised it could fly with a f**king cock that size!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Dec 02, 08, 10:39 AM
You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:

That one was beyond being excruciatingly bad  :t:

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Dec 02, 08, 12:41 PM
That one was beyond being excruciatingly bad  :t:



Fuck off you miserable old bastard..

We've learned to expect excruciatingly bad jokes from Richard, fred and 'Obbles.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 04, 08, 07:52 PM
Best use I've seen for him, short of sending him home to Jordan for execution!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 07, 08, 07:37 AM
Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 07, 08, 11:04 AM
Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!


That's the sort of joke this thread was made for...  :angel2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Dec 07, 08, 12:41 PM
Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!



 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 18, 08, 06:06 AM
Using a Wok.

You fwo it at a Wabbit when you don't have a Wifle...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 18, 08, 05:30 PM
A vicar is having a wank in the bedroom ans as he finishes himself off he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him. 

Red faced he rushes downstairs and he hears a knock on the door.

"I've done your windows, vicar. That'll be 100" says the window cleaner with a smirk and a sly wink.

Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the door.

The vicar;s wife who had been listening yelled

"100?  for four small windows?  He must have seen you coming!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 20, 08, 07:41 PM
Just bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for Christmas, he's gonna throw a fit when
he see's it.

*****

I cant wait to see the wife's face on Christmas morning, I've bought her 500 worth of
Woolworth gift vouchers.

*****

Dont you just hate it at this time of the year when they knock on your door collecting
for charity?

Last night a young lady was collecting for the local sperm bank, I gave her a right mouthful!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 24, 08, 10:14 AM
A lonely woman, with a string of failed relationships to abusive and unfaithful men , decided to try dating again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a gentleman sitting in
a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, 'You're not really asking me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat
you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you
still good in bed???'

The man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 24, 08, 10:16 AM
Bob was telling his workmate that he'd been to a great party on Saturday.

"It was just about the best party I've ever been to, fantastic. All the booze you could drink and a terrific buffet done by a professional caterer. Considering that I only went as a guest of a friend, I really struck it lucky."

His mate said. "You always were a jammy barstard, wish I had been there." Bob said.

"Yeah, you would have loved it. They had a fantastic house, even the cloakroom toilet was solid gold." He got the reply. " Fuck off, you're bullshitin' me. " Bob was indignant and promised to take his mate there and prove it next Saturday evening.

He said the homeowners were really great and wouldn't mind a bit. On Saturday at 2100 hrs, they rolled up and it looked like another party was getting underway. " Bob smiled knowingly at his pal and kept his finger on the bell. Soon a good looking woman answered the door. " Yes ?. can I help you ? " Bob replied. " I hope so, I was here at the party last Saturday and I've been telling my friend about your' golden toilet in the cloakroom, he doesn't believe it, so, would you mind very much if I showed it to him.

The women just stared at him, then she pulled him inside and shouted over her shoulder.

" Hey Arthur, I've found the dirty barstard who had a piss in your tuba. "
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 30, 08, 12:02 PM
Baron went up to a bird in a night-club and asked that old chestnut "Is that a ladder in your stocking, or is it the stairway to heaven?"

Immediately a gruff voice shot back "Yes it is indeed the stairway to heaven, but I've already got one prick up there and I don't need another one!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 30, 08, 12:03 PM
 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 09, 09, 05:13 PM
7" x 4" Pure white vellum envelope, the finest, pure thick parchement paper with Olde English calligraphy, finished with a special edition commemoritve Royal Mail stamp.

This is no ordinary redundancy notice ...... This is an M&S redundancy Notice.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 10, 09, 07:45 PM

the credit crunch is that bad that 8 out of 10 women have to make love to there husbands as they cant afford any batteries
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 12, 09, 07:22 AM
Al Fayed is hoping to sign Christiano Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his football skills, he just wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 12, 09, 10:19 AM
Al Fayed is hoping to sign Christiano Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his football skills, he just wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel!

You've been getting jokes from Prince Harry again, haven't you?  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 12, 09, 05:47 PM
A tongue twister

How much fudge would a fudge packer pack, if a fudge packer would pack fudge.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 14, 09, 02:55 AM
A philosopher said once, "Life is a big joke, we just spend our whole existence waiting for the punchline."

Yeah... mine's bound to be a fucking Sparry...  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 14, 09, 03:05 AM
It's been all over the papers this week about a baby being born to a brain-dead woman.

Why is the media making such a fuss?

It happens every fucking day in Essex...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 16, 09, 12:59 AM
500 Israeli troops have entered Jordon.



Peter Andre says that she is a little bit sore, but still able to cope!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 17, 09, 07:46 PM
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.
'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....

..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you ?'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.
The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...



'Mixin'-me-toasties'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jan 17, 09, 08:57 PM



'Mixin'-me-toasties'



                   :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 18, 09, 07:44 PM
a jewish boy has been born with no eyelids doctors say they can operate using old foreskins ,
but his mother is worried it may make him look cockeyed
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 18, 09, 07:54 PM
Pedigree chum went bust today and have had to call in the retrievers
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 19, 09, 07:25 PM
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the Eyeball to the Anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 19, 09, 08:59 PM
A few years ago my neighbour went on holiday.
He asked me to feed his cat and look out for his mother.
The first day he was away his cat was playing on the roof when it fell off and died.
 
He rang to ask about his cat and his mother I told him the cat had fallen off the roof and died.
He was upset and annoyed.

He said I should have broken it to him gently.
The first time he rang I should have told him I saw the cat playing on the roof.
Then the next time it had fallen off the roof.
Then the next time it was injured .
Only then that it had died.
 
I agreed  that I had not been very sensitive.
 
So the next time he rang I told him I had seen his mother playing on the roof !

*****

Ulrika is in trouble with Celebrity Big Brother for smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

Apparently, it isn't the first time she has had an Ericsson up her arse!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 20, 09, 12:23 PM
I went to my first Muslim birthday party today...............

Musical chairs was a bit slow.......................but pass the parcel was bloody quick !!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 20, 09, 04:35 PM

pass the parcel was bloody quick !!


I heard it went with a bang..?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 20, 09, 06:09 PM
My ears are still ringing............. ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 22, 09, 07:07 AM
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.

A spokesman said, "Dubai people wont understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do!"

*****

Barack Obama is the first black President. Lewis Hamilton is the first black F1 World Champion. Will Smith is the worlds highest paid black actor. Tiger Woods is the Worlds best black golfer.

How times have changed, it is a real good time to be a black person.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!

*****

Teacher says to class, "What vegetable makes you cry?"

Little Johnny shouts out, "An orange!"

The Teacher says, "No, it is an ONION."

Little Johnny replies, "Well, you've obviously never been hit in the bollocks by an orange"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 22, 09, 09:40 PM
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him.
 
As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.

To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away.

"Weren't you afraid?" one of the workers asked the boy.

"Not at all," the boy replied , "I knew this cow was his mother-in-law..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 22, 09, 09:55 PM
Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.

"Dad," he asked, "What is the difference between 'anger' and 'exasperation'?"

"Well, son," said his father, "I'll give you a practical demonstration."

His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello," said a voice at the other end.

"Hello," said Ernie's father. "Is Melvin there?"

"There is no one called Melvin here!" the voice replied. "Why don't you look up numbers before you dial them?"

"You see?" said Ernie's father, "That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!"

He then dialled the number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

"Now look here!" the voice said angrily. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!"

"Did you hear that?" Ernie's father asked. "That was 'anger'. Now, I will show you what 'exasperation' is!"

He dialled once again.

On hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie's father said: "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 24, 09, 08:51 AM
What brought down flight 1549 on the Hudson river.....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 24, 09, 09:34 AM
What brought down flight 1549 on the Hudson river.....

The version I'd heard was that two of Dubya's last acts as president were to blame Canada, then go and invade Mexico...  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 24, 09, 10:57 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 24, 09, 01:13 PM
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
         
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,    'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
         
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
         
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
         
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
         
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
         
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 24, 09, 05:45 PM
I went through a McDonalds drivethrough today,
after about 5 minutes I eventually got my food,

The girl at the window apologised,
"Sorry about the wait" she said.

"That's alright fatty" I replied
"you could always go on a diet"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 25, 09, 11:20 AM
An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me..."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"' she asked.

"To get my bloody teeth!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 25, 09, 02:23 PM
That's me, that is! Apart from the first 9 lines, sadly.    "Oooh, I need a dirty woman........"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 25, 09, 03:02 PM

 "Oooh, I need a dirty woman........"


Get thee behind me satan...  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 25, 09, 03:13 PM
A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:

"When you see a human, you approach to about 30ft from him, make sure he sees you and then you swim a couple of circles around him. Then you get closer to about 10ft, and again you swim a few circles around him. Then you come really close to him, even touch him, you wait one minute and then, well, you eat him."

"But why can't I just get him and eat him?" asks the little shark.

"You can do that, too, if you don't mind eating his shit."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 28, 09, 08:30 PM
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...

Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.

Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.

I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's disease, the other shows AIDS.

Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?

Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 28, 09, 10:07 PM
 :hysterical: :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 30, 09, 04:30 PM
I was in a restaurant in Liverpool and there was a sign that said "Keep an eye on your bags"

So I kept an eye on my bag and some cnut stole my dinner.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Jan 30, 09, 05:48 PM
 ???
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 30, 09, 05:53 PM
I see the 'usual suspects' have competition... that's truly terrible.  :gig:  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Feb 01, 09, 07:38 PM
 :o
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 02, 09, 08:07 PM
 A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
 
 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 05, 09, 11:40 AM
I just heard on the radio that the only way out of Bridgend is shut because of the snow.

...Well that's not strictly true - There is another way out...  :hang:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Feb 05, 09, 12:50 PM
A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three heshin bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three heshin bags.

One copper goes to the other "Kick the heshin bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with the brunette and kicked it.

The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next heshin bag.

The copper kicked the second heshin bag with the red head in it.

The red head said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third heshin bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third heshin bag with the blonde in it.
And the blonde said "Potatoes"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 06, 09, 12:51 PM
You are on the bus when
you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as
you approach your stop.
 
As you are leaving the bus,
people are really staring you down,
and that's when
you remember:
 
 
you've been listening to your ipod.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 06, 09, 01:01 PM
Scarily plausible...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Feb 06, 09, 01:42 PM
Shouldn't this be under Tips for Novices Fred?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 06, 09, 04:42 PM
Shouldn't this be under Tips for Novices Fred?


 :laugh3:    :angel3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 06, 09, 07:18 PM
what's a bus?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 06, 09, 07:34 PM
a rumoured mode of transport, practically extinct outside the main towns
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Feb 06, 09, 09:19 PM
what's a bus?
Aren't they something to do with data exchange?

:)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Feb 07, 09, 07:52 AM
"Gran, have you seen my tablets? They are in a little box marked LSD."

"Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Feb 07, 09, 09:57 AM

"Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 08, 09, 02:19 PM
Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea?

He kept making funny faeces...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 08, 09, 08:25 PM
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f****** sweater!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 08, 09, 08:31 PM
It's Peter's birthday. He has no arms or legs. His mum goes into his room and says, "happy birthday, Peter, here's your present!"
Peter replies, "Aw mum, not another f-----g hat!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 09, 09, 11:50 AM
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the motorway. So I eased my car over to the hard shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up.

Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before the police pulled up behind me.

The policeman got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.





So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 09, 09, 09:45 PM

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before
leaving..."Jean - put your hat and coat on lassie."

"Awe Guy that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?"

"Nae, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."


The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so
their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.



How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Och! it's no that dark!



Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic
to see his etchings?

He sold her four of them....



A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...



A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas
himself....



A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his
friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, "I'd
like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "5" to which the man says "Ye won't get many words
for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman
to write a few more things, saying "I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words
fer ye money."

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over
the counter again.

The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for
sale"......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 10, 09, 11:21 AM
There was a little mouse called Keith,
who circumcised Englishmen with his teeth
It wasnt for leisure or sexual pleasure
It was just for the cheese underneath
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Feb 10, 09, 06:51 PM
 :b:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Feb 10, 09, 07:16 PM
:b:

 :gig:  I was going to say something but I bit my tongue...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 10, 09, 07:18 PM

I bit my tongue...


It could have been very much worse...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 13, 09, 06:20 AM
Q: What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair?

A: Park and Ride
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 22, 09, 01:29 AM
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 22, 09, 02:21 AM
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a cunt to iron.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 22, 09, 06:41 AM
 :gig: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 25, 09, 08:08 PM
there are optimists and pessimists everywhere

an optimist invented the aircraft


a pessimist invented the parachute
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 25, 09, 08:12 PM
there are optimists and pessimists everywhere

an optimist invented the aircraft

a pessimist invented the parachute

It takes an optimist to jump out of a perfectly functional aircraft using one...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 25, 09, 08:17 PM
very true
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Mar 04, 09, 07:51 PM
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 06, 09, 07:49 AM
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

*****

A survey found that the average penis size of English men is 6".
German men are 7", Swedish men are 5" and Icelandic men are 9"!.

Thats the real reason why mums go to Iceland.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Mar 06, 09, 07:00 PM
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-sided underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, then reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, old Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Mar 06, 09, 07:02 PM
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 07, 09, 11:14 AM
Peter Mandleson has once again been targeted by protesters.

This time he was hit in the rear by a Brazillian fruit!

*****

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Mar 07, 09, 08:12 PM
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." The tird woman says, "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 10, 09, 08:13 PM
I have just been arrested by the Police!

According to them, wrapping your cock in a copy of the Beano and masterbating does not count as "comic Relief!"

*****

Walkers have just added a packet of "Semen" flavour to their new range. they will be sold as Diet crisps as 97% of women will spit them out!

*****

F = FACE - Does their face droop to one side?

A = ARMS - Does one arm fall when they raise both?

S = SPEECH - Is it slurred?

T = TIME - They are obviously pissed! Get them home ASAP!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Mar 13, 09, 09:24 AM
An Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I gotta hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"Tacks!" the shocked redneck replies, "Don't they stay on by themselves?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 14, 09, 09:56 AM
Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK Tour, they are:

Joe aged 9, Bob aged 7, Dave aged 10 and Colin aged 6
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 14, 09, 06:55 PM
A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 minutes & every employee gathered outside office.
10 minutes passed..................................
5 more minutes passed.
 
 
Security Officer - Announcement started,
"Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are lay off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office.  Hope you have nice career ahead.
 
Please move in & try your luck...."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 14, 09, 07:11 PM

Please move in & try your luck...."


Call me cynical, but I'd not be surprised to read that as a real headline...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 14, 09, 07:25 PM
same here given the present circumstances
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 19, 09, 02:54 PM
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "In that case .......... Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 24, 09, 06:42 PM
Josef Fritzl has admitted to rape, imprisonment, incest, enslavement and murder but says that rumours










































that he's a Man Utd fan are just downright sick!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Mar 26, 09, 07:05 PM
 I nearly posted this today when I received it but managed to avoid a Sparry by a search. Not a bad joke at all IMQHO

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said.... 'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 26, 09, 07:18 PM

 I nearly posted this today when I received it but managed to avoid a Sparry by a search.


As indeed could Sparry, had he the sense.  ::)

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 29, 09, 10:32 PM
A guy working in Amsterdam enters a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, adding that she must also have the saggiest tits, the smelliest fanny and breath that smells of stale cigar smoke and rum.

The madam says, "Ahh, sir is looking for something kinky tonight!"

The guy replies, "No not really. I'm from Cardiff and I'm just feeling homesick!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 29, 09, 10:43 PM

The guy replies, "No not really. I'm from Cardiff and I'm just feeling homesick!!"

I'd have said Newport myself, but the principle is the same.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 29, 09, 10:53 PM
I was sent an email of Mary St, Cardiff on a saturday night. Sad thing is, it could be any city in the UK!

I will send em on to you  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Mar 29, 09, 10:58 PM
I was sent an email of Mary St, Cardiff on a saturday night. Sad thing is, it could be any city in the UK!

I will send em on to you  >:D

That's skeery...  :pa

How the hell did they find anybody sober enough to hold the firkin' camera?

I wouldn't like to be there sober.  :eek2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 01, 09, 11:37 AM

An irish family have been found frozen to death outside the dublin odeon cinema,they had been queuing for three weeks to see "closed for the winter".
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 01, 09, 03:04 PM
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 02, 09, 04:56 PM
19 englishmen go to the movies. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Frank replies "The film said over 18 only!"..
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 04, 09, 08:54 AM
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 04, 09, 11:48 AM
Jonathan Ross hass been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil from Debenams.

He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Gyro on Apr 06, 09, 06:08 PM
I would read all 53 pages to make sure I'm not double posting but I can't be arsed.

I'm sure someone will tell me anyway.

So........


How does a Welshman find his sheep in the long grass?

Simply irresistible.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 06, 09, 08:08 PM
I would read all 53 pages to make sure I'm not double posting but I can't be arsed.

I'm sure someone will tell me anyway.

So........


How does a Welshman find his sheep in the long grass?

Simply irresistible.

lt's best to clear an area of grass before lighting the cooking fire
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 11, 09, 06:56 AM
Jesus walked into a library and asked for directions to the nearest inn.

The librarian said "save your money mate, the Romans will put you up for nothing later..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 11, 09, 07:17 AM
At least with the advantage of Altzheimer's disease you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 12, 09, 10:36 AM
According to "The Guinness Book Of World Records" the record for the longest most ridiculous lie ever told in a court of law, is held by Mr Patrick O'Rourke of Dublin, Ireland.

The amazing feat was recorded when Mr O'Rourke was taking his oath but mistakenly held the card and read the book.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 13, 09, 05:20 PM
Come and join the sing along Hertfordshire...

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 13, 09, 05:28 PM
They took all my pot noodles, biscuits, crisps and cakes.

I've reported it to the Police - they said they suspect they are 'snackheads'..
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 17, 09, 07:56 PM
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand , cook with the other , dust with a foot while making the bed with her elbow as she opens a beer with her arse.......... She's a swiss army wife!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 18, 09, 06:41 PM
Felt sorry for the hyponotist that was on stage earlier. He put 7 rugby players in a trance. Stupid idiot dropped his microphone and said "FUCK ME". God , the screams wil haunt me for the rest of my life!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 19, 09, 10:15 AM
Police shut down Newport town centre yesterday after finding a mysterious device in Taffy's car.

Turned out to be a tax disc...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 19, 09, 10:20 AM
Quite possible, don't like Newport
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Storm on Apr 19, 09, 02:04 PM
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 20, 09, 07:52 AM
I was talking to my grandma the other day and she told me we're directly related to Cherokee Indians.

I have my reservations tho.

*****

David Blaine is apparently gutted, he has just discovered his 44 day record of doing nothing inside a box has been smashed by Newcastle FC's Michae l Owen.

*****

I hate all this terrorist activity. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, 'Yes! I'm having that!'

*****

Daffyd had a little lamb
His father had it too
If you're in to beastiality
Wales is the place for you.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 25, 09, 08:17 PM
Bloke goes into a pet-shop. "Have you got any kittens going cheap?"

"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go 'Meow'."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 25, 09, 10:14 PM
The two lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

That was very nice of them but, all I said was that I wanted t' watch

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 28, 09, 11:18 AM
Aparently, the Swine flu can cause red blotches on the skin, scientists are saying not to itch them as they can lead to Pork Scratchings....



No doubt they will bring out an oinkment for it!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 28, 09, 07:56 PM
The Texans are very concerned about swine flu, because if the Mexican gardener dies they will have to cut their own lawn!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 28, 09, 10:04 PM
I'm worried I might have this Swine Flu. I keep coming out in rashers.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 29, 09, 07:10 AM
A woman phones her husband and says she has run out of petrol and is too scared to visit the garage to fill the car up.

Husband asks her why and the wife replies because of swine flu!

The husband says you daft cow! You get swine flu from Mexico not Texaco!

*****

They say you can only catch swine flu if you have been with an infected pig.

I bet Jack Tweed is shitting himself!

*****

Thought for the day!


Why don't they give pigs a yearly flu shot so that they don't get swine flu?

*****

Professer Steven Hawkins is now resting at home after last weeks illness.

A hospital spokesman said, "We dont know what was wrong with him.
We just turned him off, waited 30 seconds and then switched him back on again!"

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 08, 09, 05:32 PM
you have to feel sorry for ricky hatton, the last time someone got that badly battered around the ring they were found dead in michael barrymores pool............
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 14, 09, 07:24 AM
Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers had their houses burgled on the same night.

Manchester United's Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales Caps, 10 Premiership medals, 2 Champions League medals, 1 European Cup winners medal, 5 FA Cup, 1 League Cup, 2 World Club Champions, 8 Charity Shield and 1 Super Cup Medal.

Arsenal's Emmanuel Adebayor has lost a kettle and a toaster.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 16, 09, 07:48 AM
If you get an email from the Department Of Health warning you not to consume minced pork or derivative products just ignore it, it's just spam.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on May 16, 09, 05:31 PM
If you get an email from the Department Of Health warning you not to consume minced pork or derivative products just ignore it, it's just spam.

 :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 17, 09, 03:15 AM
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it...

...will the local MP claim for it on expenses?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on May 17, 09, 09:17 AM
Even though the wood has been clear felled ...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 23, 09, 12:36 AM
Why did the MP cross the road?










To claim his Second Home Allowance.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 26, 09, 10:55 AM
Whats the difference between the premier league and my garden.

















There are magpies in my garden
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 27, 09, 08:51 AM
Mike Tyson’s favourite TV program?

Have I Got Noose for You...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 27, 09, 09:21 AM
^^ Oh dear!

M ichael Jackson has cancelled his UK Tour after he discovered 2000 for a ten year old actually refers to the car scrapping scheme!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 27, 09, 09:51 AM

^^ Oh dear!


It is the 'bad' jokes thread... I think that fits the spec.  :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 28, 09, 09:35 AM
That was bad even for the Bad jokes Section!!!

Sky News have just announced that Barcelona F.C.'s Lionel Messi's house was broken into during the match.

Police have said that they would like to question the Man Utd midfield, as they were nowhere to be seen between the hours of 19.45 and 22.00.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 04, 09, 10:46 AM
On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coast near Cardiff on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh rugby tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 08, 09, 07:10 AM
Susan Boyle has done wonders for the fight against terrorism...

Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they aren't so sure about suicide bombing....

*****

Daivid Carradine was really found dead in a Newcastle United Football Kit, but to save his
family from embarrassment, Thai police said he choked while wanking in a closet.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 13, 09, 07:00 AM
You put your transfer in,
Your transfer out,
in out, in out you fuck your club about,
you do the Cristiano & you change your mind,
thats what its all about !

Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker, ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker,
knees bent, arm stretch dive dive dive !!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 13, 09, 08:32 AM
Cristiano Ronaldo's 80million move to Real Madrid now makes him the world's highest paid actor...

Apparently, he's being sent on average two human turds in the post every day.

What I want to know is, who is sending the other one?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 14, 09, 06:00 PM
Razor's just had the sack from his job at the post office.

Things went badly wrong when somebody put the radio on.

Every time the music stopped he opened a parcel...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 18, 09, 07:24 AM
^^ :laugh:

Real Madrid are to pull out of the 80million Ronaldo-Man Utd deal as Primark stores are selling a 'big girls blouse' for 4 !!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 18, 09, 03:17 PM
Welsh cheerleaders.

Putting the ''go! go! go!'' into Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

 :ra: :ra:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 19, 09, 11:08 AM
it took a while but..
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 19, 09, 01:02 PM
it took a while but..

What odds shall we offer that Sparry will be around in a couple of days to post it again?  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 19, 09, 01:17 PM
given the state of my memory atm...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jun 26, 09, 01:09 PM
Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macauly Culkin stayed over

Michael Jackson's funeral arrangements have been made, he's being recycled on Thursday

Michael Jackson is going to be melted down and made into Lego bricks. That'll let kids play with him for a change.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 26, 09, 04:14 PM
Michael Jackson is not going to be buried.

They're going to melt him down and make a slide out of him.


That way the kids can continue going down on him
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 27, 09, 06:27 PM
For Sale:

Single white glove. Slightly soiled index finger.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: NZGreg on Jun 28, 09, 02:25 PM
Q: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?


A: A playboy


 :t:


Q: What happens to a politician when you give them Viagra?


A: They get taller

 :lh:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 05, 09, 10:09 AM
While I was out last night, some bloke asked me if I'd have sex.

I told him I couldn't be arsed.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jul 10, 09, 05:33 PM
Which is the odd one out?

A washing machine
A woman
A tap
A toaster


Answer: A toaster - it doesn't drip when it's fucked.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 10, 09, 05:47 PM

Answer: A toaster - it doesn't drip when it's fucked.


It does if you don't use a condom...  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: MaWibbley on Jul 12, 09, 10:32 AM
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum,

I have something to tell you, I'm gay!"

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the young bloke  was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away
from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, .. doesn't
that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The bloke said nervously,"Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around
and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 12, 09, 10:45 AM
(http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/sex_bj.gif) :hungry1:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 22, 09, 09:13 PM
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing or fishing with his friends..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 23, 09, 08:34 AM
Some Touching Words From Stevie Wonder At M ichael Jackson's funeral.

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 23, 09, 08:43 AM
Some Touching Words From Stevie Wonder At M ichael Jackson's funeral.

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....


Or, for those of you who prefer English,

.......IEEI...
..EEEEEEEEIEIIIIEEI
...SISSSSH......SSSH5I.
..EEEIEEE..
...EHSHH...
......HHH555IEEH....
.IE
.EIEIE...
.......SSSIS.......SIHSSH....
.II.
..H
..EEEEEIIEI
..HISS.............5

FFS Razor, at least make it plausible.   :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 23, 09, 08:02 PM
My wife had a sex change.

Could be worse, I now get to play with her ex-box.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 25, 09, 09:57 AM
As steven gerrard's case come's to a close he put in his last statment, I am ashamed of myself as I am supposed to be a role model for the youth of Liverpool. I regret not knifing the bastard and pinching his car...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 29, 09, 01:05 PM
I knocked at the door of a Bed & Breakfast the other day, a few seconds later a little old lady stuck her head out of the window and said: "Hello, what do you want?"

"I'd like to stay here," I replied.

"Okay" she said, and shut the window.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 05, 09, 07:35 PM
Joe had to cut short a steamy "69" session with his girlfriend to keep a dentist's appointment. Not wanting the dentist to smell anything, he brushed and flossed his teeth, and gargled a few times. Settling himself into the dentist's chair, he confidently opened his mouth for the examination, only to hear the dentist remark, "You've been having oral sex this morning, haven't you?" Joe is flummoxed. "How on earth do you know that," he says. "I cleaned my teeth, flossed, and gargled just before I came here!"

"Ah," says the dentist. "But you missed the skid mark on your forehead."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 05, 09, 07:39 PM
 :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 06, 09, 08:05 PM
Why do geeks suck at telling jokes timing
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 09, 09, 12:52 PM
Women are magical creatures.

They can get wet without water, bleed without being cut, give milk without eating grass
and make boneless meat rock hard!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 09, 09, 02:29 PM
This one's for Delia

This weekend saw Norwich City equal their worst ever defeat, slumping to a 7-1 home thrashing at the hands of Colchester.

One young fan was heard on the phone to his sister, saying "Mum I couldn't believe it, if they conceded any more I'd have had to count them on my other hand..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 09, 09, 06:38 PM
Bill asked me if I'd to go crabbing with him later.

Going through his pubes with a nit comb wasn't what I had in mind...  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Aug 09, 09, 07:28 PM
Bill asked me if I'd to go crabbing with him later.

Going through his pubes with a nit comb wasn't what I had in mind...  :yuck:

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 09, 09, 07:42 PM
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

Then take it out and eat it.  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 11, 09, 08:53 PM
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for this EITHER!!!!!"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 25, 09, 07:41 AM
I went to the Doctor and told him that one moment i feel like a wigwam and the next a teepee!

He told me i was sufferring from stress, I was too tents!

*****

I was in the supermarket queue the other day with my 5 year old son, stood in the line in front of us was the fattest woman i have every seen. He ass was wider than the trolley i was pushing!

All of a sudden, her mobile phone started beeping as she received a text message and my son screamed and said, "Watch out Dad! She's backing up!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 26, 09, 09:46 AM
Peter and Kim were making passionate love in Peter's transit van when suddenly Kim, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Peter, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Kim until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Kim notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Kim, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Peter (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 27, 09, 07:18 PM
An elderly couple goes to the doctor's office. The doctor says to the husband..."I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The husband, who is hard of hearing, asks his wife, "eh, what did he say?'

The wife says.."give him your underwear"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 28, 09, 07:50 PM
There are four gay guys in a hot tub. A condom floats up in the middle. What do they say?

"Who farted?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Aug 29, 09, 08:17 PM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 29, 09, 09:14 PM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

He'd probably say "You're just being a cunt."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 01, 09, 11:15 PM
I saw an overturned cheese lorry in Wales last week.

Police were instructing motorists to drive Caerphilly...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 06, 09, 07:32 AM
On the way to work this morning I saw an R.A.C man in his van crying and banging his head on the dashboard, I thought, "Ay Ay! he's heading for a Breakdown!".

*****

I came home from work last night and said to the wifw, "Hello Hun!"

Now she wants a divorce because of me calling her a pet name.

Bloody Germans!

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 12, 09, 07:18 AM
Live on BBC1 tonight, "World Cup Football - The Road To The Cup" except for viewers in
Scotland who will be shown the film 'Out Of Africa'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 13, 09, 10:49 AM
A man goes to have a tooth extracted. 

The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't"  said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 03, 09, 05:23 PM
Someone sent me an email, all it said was, ' N.....G.....B.....A '

I think it was bang out of order!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 09, 09, 08:17 PM
Food Inspector in a bakery catches a baker using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of apple tarts. She roars "Have you no tool?" He says " Yeah , but i use that for the doughnuts"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Oct 09, 09, 09:39 PM
How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass?


Irresistible .......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 13, 09, 02:17 PM
I was a good boy. Held off, but cant wait any longer  :angel3:   :

After the death of singer Stephen Gately in his Spanish villa, stars of the screen have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said, he was deeply gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Michae l Barrymore said he was innocent!

*****

Simply Red singer and front man Mick Hucknall has been arrested for having sex with a rabbit.

A police spokesman said Hucknall caught red handed while he was holding back the ears and singing bunny's too tight to mention.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 13, 09, 05:11 PM
michael jackson was disapointed when steven gately came to heaven. he thought they said someone from the BOY'S HOME was coming
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 16, 09, 02:02 PM
Wow! What a Christmas it will be in heaven this year.

Patrick Swayze has offered to dance for everyone, Farah Fawcett has offered to be an angel in the nativity play, Stephen Gately will be singing. Keith Floyd wanted to cook dinner and Mich ael Jackson volunteered to look after the children!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 16, 09, 04:53 PM
Louis Walsh received a note in the mail this morning - if those cnut twins don't go out of the X-Factor this weekend, it'll be another member of Boyzone for the chop each week until they do...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 17, 09, 07:31 PM
I was waiting for a very important phone call last night, so i slept with my mobile phone under my pillow. When i woke this morning, my phone was gone and there was  pound coin in it's place. Fuckin Bluetooth Fairy!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 18, 09, 07:14 PM
that one's in the wrong thread
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 19, 09, 02:41 AM
Shhhh! .....I'm hiding it from Dr. Bum Fugger as i'm sure it was posted before.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 24, 09, 11:27 AM
After much discussion about whether the beach ball last week at the Stadium of Light was the biggest ever useless foreign object to be seen on a football pitch it was agreed that this honour was actually held by Jan Molby
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Brow96 on Oct 24, 09, 01:30 PM
After much discussion about whether the beach ball last week at the Stadium of Light was the biggest ever useless foreign object to be seen on a football pitch it was agreed that this honour was actually held by Jan Molby

From this statement I gather that the difference between Mr. Molby and a fire plug are slight?

Bill
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 25, 09, 01:44 PM
I'm starting to get seriously worried with this postal strike.  :pa

My Michael Jackson tickets still haven't arrived...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Oct 27, 09, 11:32 AM
How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 03, 09, 01:46 PM
Dont use the new condoms made from the skins of lemons, they make you come in a jiffy!

*****

I saw a farmer trying to wrestle scarecrows. I tought, He's clutching at straws!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 05, 09, 01:31 AM
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep, so he approached a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could only sleep in the barn, not to enter the house and some food would be brought out to him. The man settled down for the night in the barn.

The farmer's daughter later brought him food out to the barn and returned about an hour later with her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.  So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.  Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.  How could he leave without even saying goodbye, she cried.  We made such passionate love last night!

What? shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out ...
 
 

LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 06, 09, 05:27 PM
An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds.

The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English" said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name is David".

"Paddy..." replied the Irishman.

"Cancer" says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman slowly turned his head and lifted away his oxygen mask to reply "Sagittarius..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 11, 09, 07:26 PM
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "Fuck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 19, 09, 09:37 PM
I went to the doctors the other day with really bad stomach pains.

"You really must stop masturbating" he said.

"Why?" I said.

"Because I am trying to examine you"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Nov 20, 09, 07:41 AM
"I had a swine flu jab last week, they said that there could be some side effects"

"Did get have any?"

"Yes, I am now scared shitless by apple sauce"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 21, 09, 07:53 PM
A choirboy goes into the confessional and says "bless me father for I have sinned!"

The Priest says "I'll kick your fucking arse if you're two timing me..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Dec 13, 09, 08:16 AM
 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 13, 09, 09:15 AM
In light of recent events with Theirry Henry and Tiger Woods , Gillette have just announced Susan Boyle as the new face of the Mach 3 Fusion razor..
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Dec 13, 09, 09:09 PM
 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 14, 09, 04:27 PM
From Twitter:

#Maplin - Pirate: "Hello Maplin, my bird says pieces o' seven, pieces o' seven...whats wrong?" Maplin Helpline: "Parroty error"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 14, 09, 04:51 PM
 :groan

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 15, 09, 01:24 PM
It gets worse...

What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a board game?

Natasha Kerplunksky
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 16, 09, 09:36 PM
Have you ever wondered what it'd be like seeing a donkey shagging an ape?








You have now...  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 17, 09, 11:06 AM
The Grim Reaper came for me the other night but i fought him off brilliantly with a vacuum cleaner....
Talk about Dyson with Death!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 17, 09, 07:16 PM
What's long and hard and guaranteed to get a woman moaning?

An ironing board.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Dec 18, 09, 09:51 AM
The Grim Reaper came for me the other night but i fought him off brilliantly with a vacuum cleaner....
Talk about Dyson with Death!!!

Now that is worth a  :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Dec 18, 09, 09:55 AM
What's long and hard and guaranteed to get a woman moaning?

An ironing board.

What's an ironing board?    ???
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 18, 09, 07:15 PM
What's an ironing board?    ???

Like a shelf on legs, Babs - only with padding. HTH
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 24, 09, 12:04 PM
During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon

When asked why he had such a long password, he said

"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 25, 09, 02:17 PM
What's wet and slimy and flaps about on a church floor?












A lost sole...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 25, 09, 08:26 PM
Rwy'n meddwl os breuddwydion yn wlyb ddyfeisiwyd gan y defaid cyfrif Cymraeg?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 26, 09, 09:00 AM
que?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 26, 09, 04:50 PM
Rwy'n meddwl os breuddwydion yn wlyb ddyfeisiwyd gan y defaid cyfrif Cymraeg?

Dybia ai cei gwlych breuddwydion am 'ch chwaer Saesneg 'ch must bod
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 26, 09, 04:54 PM
Dybia ai cei gwlych breuddwydion am 'ch chwaer Saesneg 'ch must bod

Sickipedian Cymraeg!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 26, 09, 05:02 PM
I don't have to wonder .......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 28, 09, 07:45 AM
A guy yn y gwaith yn cymryd y Mick allan o Cymro gan mimmicking iddo, gan ddywedyd
"Pwy yw ct Siaced yw hwn? Chi weld y ddau o dai ar y bryn, Mwyngloddiau yr un yn y canol! Rwy'n edrych yn fy locer ac nid oedd!" Mynd "a iddo orffen gyda,
Pam mae Cymro priodi merched? Ni all defaid Achos coginio!

Atebodd The Welshman, "Nid wyf yn meddwl y jcs Cymru iawn, peidiwch ag anghofio, em rydym shag ', rydych yn ei fwyta' em ac rydych yn meddwl y darnau gwyn yn cael eu braster!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 28, 09, 09:23 AM

A guy yn y gwaith


FFS Razor, if you're going to use a machine translation - they're often funny in their own right - at least check for untranslated words and try to find an equivalent that'll let the machine have it's way...  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 28, 09, 09:45 AM
Google translator is not your (Welsh persons) friend!  :gig:


Arnold Scwharzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7?

He replied, "No thanks, I Still have the Vista Baby"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 28, 09, 11:20 AM
It's fun re-translating it as well.

A guy at work is taking the Mick by Cymro mimmicking out of him, saying
"Who's coat is this jacket? You see the two houses on the hill, Mines the one in the middle! I look in my locker and there was!" Go "and he finished with,
Why a Welshman married women? Case sheep can not cook!

The Welshman replied, "I do not think the jokes wales right, do not forget, we shag em, you eat 'em and you think the white pieces are fat!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 28, 09, 04:09 PM
It was quite embarrassing having to explain to the doctor how I got superglue all over my cock.

However, not nearly as embarrassing as explaining why Obblie's mouth was stuck to it.  :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 28, 09, 06:06 PM
My teeth were stuck together
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 31, 09, 03:30 AM
My teeth were stuck together

I have a very famous Welsh town tattooed to my cock to accommodate its length.  >:D







Rhyl.  :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 31, 09, 04:15 AM
Happy New Year.

Love Gordon Brown .-)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 31, 09, 07:20 AM
I have a very famous Welsh town tattooed to my cock to accommodate its length.  >:D







Rhyl.  :blush:

I was thinking of Cwm .....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 31, 09, 10:46 AM
I was thinking of Cum .....

Why doesn't that surprise me?  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 01, 10, 03:56 PM
Obblie organised a threesome at his house last night...

Couple of no-shows but apparently he still had a good time.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 03, 10, 09:01 AM
My wife hasn't felt like sex, so she went to the Doctors.
He told her she had an iron deficiency, so i bought her the new 'Rowenta steam plus' and the 'Tefal Steam Iron - Non crease'. But she still wont have sex!

*****

I swapped the bed for a trampoline, but my wife found out and hit the roof!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 03, 10, 06:49 PM
Man United

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/8433901.stm
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 03, 10, 07:15 PM
Man United

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/8433901.stm

Oh dear.  :pa

Derek has already been Bogled 5 points for a Sparry on that same link... You're bound to get worse!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 03, 10, 07:22 PM
tell old peanut bollocks to get it over with


and to think I debated whether to post the link.

methought peanut bollocks would not have seen the news
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 03, 10, 07:23 PM
Methinks peanut-brains has got the hump!  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 03, 10, 07:28 PM
 :hat3:

you know me better than that
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 03, 10, 08:09 PM
In the spirit of binding the relationship between our two countries, America has asked permission to use the Queen's image on the dollar bill. We've agreed, providing we can use the President's image on our marmalade jars.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Jan 03, 10, 09:17 PM
Oh dear.  :pa

Derek has already been Bogled 5 points for a Sparry on that same link... You're bound to get worse!

A double-Sparry would normally be a big fat 10 pointer, but I'm in a good mood so

 :dfb7:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 10, 10, 08:34 AM
WARNING: there is a email going around called "Susan Boyle Naked". DO NOT CLICK ON IT, its not a virus, it is Susan Boyle, Naked!!!!

*****

Did Adebayor run the length of the tour bus in Angola, to celebrate in front of the gunners?

*****

With this cold weather we are having, the Government are saying we should look after our beighbours.
My 87 year old next door neighbour hasnt come to check on me once. In fact, the lazy mare hasnt even taken her milk in for three days!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Jan 10, 10, 12:38 PM
WARNING: there is a email going around called "Susan Boyle Naked". DO NOT CLICK ON IT, its not a virus, it is Susan Boyle, Naked!!!!

*****

Oh wonderful another victim who needs  a new pair of glasses and hasn't read the wqrning about doing a Sparry

http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=22795.0

In this case I shall award the maximimum I can because you really deserve it  :dfb10:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 10, 10, 02:16 PM
Harsh...  :pa

Diddums.  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 11, 10, 06:33 AM
Oh wonderful another victim who needs  a new pair of glasses and hasn't read the wqrning about doing a Sparry

http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=22795.0

In this case I shall award the maximimum I can because you really deserve it  :dfb10:

I read it Mr. Fussybollox, i just thought i would repeat it as it was such a good joke!  :angel3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Dr Fuss Bogle on Jan 11, 10, 09:44 AM
I read it Mr. Fussybollox, i just thought i would repeat it as it was such a good joke!  :angel3:

stop digging, you make it worse   :dfb3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 14, 10, 08:22 PM
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jan 14, 10, 08:33 PM
One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 14, 10, 08:46 PM
Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"

Control tower: "What airline is this?"

Pilot: "What difference does that make?"

Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic, it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 15, 10, 07:10 PM
My driving instructor asked me to flash another driver to let him know he could pull out.

Apparently, he didn't mean that and I'm due in court next Wednesday
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 15, 10, 07:42 PM
Distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow
He prays to god for help,a woman appears and puts her arms over his icey cows,and they immediately defrost.
thankyou says the farmer, are you an angel sent from god ,

no says the woman, i,m Thora Herd
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 18, 10, 10:18 AM
I said to my boss "Can I have tomorrow off, my wife wants me to go shopping with her?"

He said "No, you most certainly can not!"

"Thanks very much .... I knew you would understand..."  ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 19, 10, 04:26 PM
A farmer is coming home carrying a bucket of fertilizer.
A little boy infront of his house asks him "What's in your bucket?"
"Horse shit." the farmer replies.
The boy looks puzzled and asks "What for?"
"My strawberries." the farmer says.
The boy says "That's just plain weird, we have sugar and cream on ours.."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 23, 10, 09:23 AM
A gendarme is patrolling a park when he comes across a man in the bushes.
He prods him with his night stick and says, “Monsieur. Defense de pisser.”
The man half turns and explains, “Je ne pis pas. Je m’abuse.”
The gendarme grunts, “Ah, vive le sport,” and walks on...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 26, 10, 11:18 AM
Wenger ,Benitez,Fergie and Anchlotti are out on a managers jolly up ,Carlo gets the beers in, Then Sir Alex does ,Then its Rafas turn at the jump ,Then Arsene gets them in ,Its getting merry now and Carlo goes back up and gets himself a beer but nothing for the others ,Oi what the f*ck is going on say the other three managers


Oh says Carlo ,This is the 5th round and you lot ain't in it
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 27, 10, 04:44 PM
The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists :hairout: while the Welsh read the English underneath.  :ewe:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jan 27, 10, 05:20 PM
The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists :hairout: while the Welsh read the English underneath.  :ewe:
The Welsh can read now? :o
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 28, 10, 08:00 PM
Has just released a statement to prove he is still alive, he states "City were crap on Wednesday night"
MI5 have dismissed this saying it could have been released anytime in the last 34 years....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 28, 10, 08:02 PM
The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists :hairout: while the Welsh read the English underneath.  :ewe:

we paint over the english bits.

if a tourist is daft enough to ask the way to somewhere we send them to Deiniolen (what was left after the arse end of nowhere was created)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 28, 10, 08:03 PM
The Welsh can read now? :o

more languages than most
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 28, 10, 08:04 PM

we paint over the english bits.


How do you find your way home when you've done that?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 28, 10, 08:15 PM
1. we know the way

2. we can read a proper language
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jan 28, 10, 08:25 PM
what I can't understand with the welsh is just about every other country in the world calls the Police . polis, police or politia or something immediately recognizable to anyone speaking any language

Not the stubborn inmates of the principality. I mean Hedlu , who or what  on earth invented that
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 28, 10, 08:27 PM

2. we can read a proper language

Jebiesz jeze
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jan 28, 10, 09:05 PM
1. we know the way

2. we can read a proper language
I had no idea that Spanish was that popular in Wales....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Jan 29, 10, 08:11 AM
what I can't understand with the welsh is just about every other country in the world calls the Police . polis, police or politia or something immediately recognizable to anyone speaking any language

Not the stubborn inmates of the principality. I mean Hedlu , who or what  on earth invented that

 :t: At least spell it correctly - heddlu  ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 29, 10, 08:48 AM
:t: At least spell it correctly - heddlu  ::)

A pig by any other name would still smell like shit...

(Sorry Shakespeare)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 29, 10, 09:01 AM
Haiti had huge floods a few years back, now they get this earthquake.

I can't help wondering if God is reading the instructions off the back of a packet...

*Just add water and shake well*
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 31, 10, 09:57 AM
Reports that Gary Glitter had slept with an 85 year old have been confirmed as false.
It was actually a Haiti 5 year old.

*****

Did you see on the news they found that man's wife alive in Haiti after being buried for a week?
Thats the sort of fuckin bad luck i would have!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 01, 10, 08:51 AM
Wayne Bridge sent his wife a replica of his willy made from Cadbury's chocolate.
She said that she much prefers Terry's!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 01, 10, 11:29 AM
Haiti had huge floods a few years back, now they get this earthquake.

I can't help wondering if God is reading the instructions off the back of a packet...

*Just add water and shake well*

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 01, 10, 06:21 PM
Stamford wasn't the only bridge John Terry was entering several times a week!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 01, 10, 09:14 PM
Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said ''I've just spoken to JT & he's lost the captain's armband. Do us a favour and have a look under your bed for me...''
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 02, 10, 01:15 PM
Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone.

When asked by the police why he was speeding, he said "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 06, 10, 05:18 PM
.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 06, 10, 06:16 PM
That is not a bad joke and too real to be funny
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 06, 10, 07:39 PM
That is not a bad joke and too real to be funny

It's funny...

But not as funny as the current Toyota advert using Geri Halliwell's 'Scream if You Wanna Go Faster' as the soundtrack.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 07, 10, 12:29 PM
English scientists now admit that they are able to create a human/sheep hybrid using nuclear transfer.

Welsh scientists have also come up with a way, but using a much more 'traditional' method...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 07, 10, 04:49 PM
When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.

Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 10, 10, 04:26 PM
Just bought a shiny new Toyota.......chat later, can't stop!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 10, 10, 07:52 PM
Which are the two most important orifices in a woman's body? Actually, they're her nostrils. Sure, the other two are good for pleasure, but she couldn't breathe using them while giving you a blow-job.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 10, 10, 07:56 PM
Paddy's girlfriend got a new tattoo, a seashell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thought it was brill, coz when he puts his ear to it he can actually smell the sea.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 10, 10, 08:02 PM
This is sick - so only posting it coz I know it'll appeal.

A little boy says to his mum, "Granny's got a prawn!" Mum says, "What on earth are you talking about?" The boy takes his mum to granny's bedroom where she's lying stark naked and fast asleep. He points between granny's legs and says, "There, look! A prawn!"

"That's your granny's clitoris, son!" To which, the little boy replies, "Well, it sure tastes like a prawn!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 10, 10, 08:05 PM
Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his willy. He says, "Do you like my willy that much?" "No," she says, but I do miss mine."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 11, 10, 04:13 PM
John Terry England Badge
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 11, 10, 10:24 PM
Heard in the Large Hadron Collider canteen - female boffin to male colleague -"do my two bosons give you a hadron?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 12, 10, 07:17 PM
2 Blokes in the pub talking about there sex lives,...

1st bloke says " were still at it like rabbits after 20 years of marriage"
2nd bloke says "HUH.... I only give her once a month an i call it the Bruce Lee night

His mate says why do u call it that !!!!!

















Enter the fucking Dragon Mate !!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 12, 10, 07:51 PM

Enter the fucking Dragon Mate !!!!


Which goes some way towards explaining the popularity of Ovis aries that end of the bridge...  :bolt:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 13, 10, 10:23 AM
I went to see Chubby Brown last week and as soon as he came out on stage I started shouting, "You fat bastard! You fat bastard! You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 13, 10, 01:04 PM
I should think not!
you have to call him "You differently weighted person of unknown parentage"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 14, 10, 07:18 PM
Paddy goes to his doctor, complaining about his back ache. "What were you doing when the pain started?," asks the GP. "Well," says Paddy, blushing slightly, "I was having sex, doggy-style." His GP says, "Then, I think we know how to stop it happening again, don't we? Try having sex the normal way in future."

Paddy says, "I've already tried that, but the bloody dog keeps licking my face."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 14, 10, 07:46 PM
I've just discovered our cat is allergic to latex.

Quite how the hell I'm going to explain where to the vet, though...  :think: :blush:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 14, 10, 08:37 PM
When David Beckham scored, I drank BECKS

When Paul Scholes scored, I drank SKOL

When Kenny Miller scored, I drank MILLER


Thank fuck David Seaman was in goal!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 21, 10, 07:59 PM
I've seen a fisherman build this over the last two years or so.  I bet he hopes to get good catches

Nah

I bet he thinks, "where am I going to put all the animals"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 10, 08:19 PM
Nah

I bet he thinks, "where am I going to put all the animals"

Why the heck is this in the 'bad jokes' thread?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 21, 10, 09:38 PM
why not

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 10, 10:20 PM
why not


Fair point.

 :f:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 21, 10, 10:25 PM
it is a joke ( sort of)  & definitely bad as are all my jokes

Anybody who builds a boat halfway up a mountain must be a joke
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 21, 10, 10:38 PM

Anybody who builds a boat halfway up a mountain must be a joke


Which reminds me of one of my all-time favourite cartoons...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 24, 10, 10:18 PM
Don't worry Ashley... I'm sure Madonna will adopt you.  :D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 27, 10, 08:05 AM
There was a competition for the 'Worlds best cake'.

'Madeira' won by a landslide......
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 27, 10, 08:42 AM
Now we know for sure what happens when all those chinamen jump up & down at once...

Press F11 and hold it for an on-screen simulation. :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 27, 10, 10:33 AM
What's more annoying than the dog chewing your shoe?






The killer whale eating your trainer!!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 27, 10, 10:42 AM
Now we know for sure what happens when all those chinamen jump up & down at once...

Press F11 and hold it for an on-screen simulation. :)

I did....and I am bloody dizzy now......... :o ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 27, 10, 12:33 PM
I did....and I am bloody dizzy now......... :o ;D

You were bloody dizzy to begin with.  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Mar 01, 10, 04:46 PM
David gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered. "Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack" she cries.

As Becks picks up the phone Brooklyn runs in crying, "Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe and he's naked"

Becks drops the phone and throws open the wardrobe and sure enough, there is the rat faced git!

Becks screams, "Are you some sort of arsehole? Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 26, 10, 09:36 AM
My friends new girlfriend comes from Eastern Europe.
It took her 5 days to hoover the living room!

Apparently, she's a Slovac!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 31, 10, 08:15 AM
I broke my record last weekend for continual sex lasting 1 hour, 1 minute, 15 seconds.
Then i realised the clocks had gone forward!

*****
I saw a prostitute with no arms standing on the street corner. I asked her about the recession and if it had affected her business. She just replied that she couldn't give a toss!

*****
A patient is in a private room at the mental hospital. As a doctor walks past, he observes the man making love to a pile of biscuits. The doctor asks a nurse what is wrong with the patient in the private room, the nurse replies, "Don't worry about him, he is just fuckin crackers!"

*****
I found a way for my wife to stop sucking her thumb.
I drew a picture of a cock on it!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 09, 10, 12:14 AM
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you've voted.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 09, 10, 06:56 PM
Can you spare just 2 ???

Ramji is a 9 year old boy who has only 1 arm, 1 leg and 1 eye.

He rides his bike to school for four miles every day along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with buckled wheels.

Please send just 2 and we will send you a video........... its fecking hilarious.

*******************

Five signs that you may be a Taliban:

1.       You have more wives than teeth

2.       You own a $5,000 Rocket Launcher but cant afford shoes

3.       You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer

4.       You think vests come in 2 styles:  Bullet Proof and Suicide

5.       You wipe you arse with your bare hand but consider Bacon is unclean.

*********************

A little boy says to a Catholic Priest - 'kiss me, kiss me'.

'I cant' said the priest, 'it would be unethical and to be honest I shouldn't even be wanking you off'.

 



Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 12, 10, 06:56 PM
A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 17, 10, 10:18 AM
that big cloud of dust that has closed all airports in Britain has been traced back to the man cleaning moan U's trophy cabinet
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 19, 10, 03:59 PM
Saw a scarecrow having a wank today. Thought to myself, "You're clutching at straws there, mate."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 19, 10, 07:35 PM
Say what you like about that Icelandic volcano, but it's done more in 5 days to stop immigration than Labour has done in 10 years
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 20, 10, 07:50 AM
Q: What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
A: The volcano is still blowing ash.

*****
I have just been outside and was struck in the head by a frozen lasagne, a frozen black forest gateaux, frozen sausages and a frozen garlic baguette. It must be the fallout from Iceland.

*****
My wife just informed me that she is leaving me because she reckons i am a compulsive liar.
Oh well, her loss. She will miss my huge cock!

*****
Bloke takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says it has epilepsy.
The vet says, "It looks calm enough to me."
Bloke replies, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

*****
Q: What kind of fun do Bishops have?
A: Nun
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 21, 10, 06:15 PM
I was going to post some volcano jokes today








but I decided to let the dust settle first











Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:32 AM
An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing.
 
Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the fuck are you doing bro !" The Maori says "cool it man, if you are taking the wheels, don't complain about me taking the CD Player ! "
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:34 AM
I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. 

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'.
 
A woman buys a wall mirror from the Salvo's.  The Manager asks 'would you like a screw for that mirror?'.  No she said 'but I'll suck your cock for the lawn mower over there'.
 
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to have casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.  Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said 'Sorry about the wait'.  I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.  Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'.  Murphy shouts 'Four!'
 
Recession beater - Wife says to husband 'If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'.  Husband replies 'If you'd take it up the arse and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
 
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.???
 
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel.  Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
 
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... 'Tell me something both of you have in common'.  Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
 
Snow eh!  The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!  It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?  Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.  But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret..........they don't know about it yet!
 
My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.  She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
 
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:  It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.  A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a c**t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
 
Just bought a cool game for the PS3; it's about a black guy who drives round shagging whores, uses violence involving metal clubs, crashes his car & evades the police.  It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.
 
Just heard Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC.   I was wondering what you and your three mates are going to do with the piano?
 
The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she was pregnant by her black boyfriend.  She was discussing baby names, and apparently 'Terry the Chocolate Orange' is not an appropriate name, but good enough to get me the sack.!!!
 
When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours.  So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a c**t' on my garage door.
 
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
          1% liked the warmth
          2 % liked the sensation
          3 % liked the eroticism
        94 % just liked the peace and quiet
 
Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes.  Racism is a crime.  And crime is for black people.
 
Be careful out there.  Driving conditions are awful.  Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim.  It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
 
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear, dread & panic.... "Hi Honey I'm home".
 
Did you see Paul McCartney playing the piano on X Factor the other night...?  Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.
 
I bought a DVD the other day called 'My Favourite 18 Holes' by Tiger Woods.  What a waste of money; it was all about golf.
 
Apparently Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having a disagreement over a game of cards.  And, as it turns out, a club does beat a spade!!!


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:35 AM
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse 

7 have been arrested for fraud 

9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

...and collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer 92,993,748 in expenses!!!
 

Which organization is this?

 It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out  hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


 What a bunch we have running our country - it says it all.
 And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country!!


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:36 AM
WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely.  I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. 
God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!  Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:37 AM
Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor,
but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down
over de  bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,
'It worked. I feel terrific!

What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said
 .......
 'You were homesick'.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:37 AM
The Lone  Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men  fell sound asleep.

Some  hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and  says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you  see? '

'The Lone Ranger  replies, 'I see millions of  stars.'





'What  that tell you?' asked  Tonto.

The Lone Ranger  ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically  speaking, it tells me there are millions of  galaxies and potentially billions of  planets.
Astrologically, it  tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past  three in the morning. Theologically, the  Lord is all-powerful and we are small and  insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we  will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it  tell you, Tonto?'





'You  dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the  tent.'
     
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:39 AM
Tony and Mary were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Mary's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.




They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'




Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Mary.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
  
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
  
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
  
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'





Tony glared at Mary and said, 'You and your frigging Bran Flakes.
We could have been here ten years ago!'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:41 AM
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown !"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 08:44 AM
How recognise a terrorist woofter....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 22, 10, 09:14 AM
How recognise a terrorist woofter....

Hey, that's Razor!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 22, 10, 12:05 PM
Come to think of it...........you're right  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 24, 10, 07:07 AM
You cheeky buggers!







No Wait! shave a little off the beard and ...........maybe!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 24, 10, 07:10 AM
I flew my England flag on Saint Georges Day.

Originally it was a World War 2 French flag i bought cheap at the Army surplus store.

All i had to do, was paint a red cross on it.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 24, 10, 07:36 PM
BREAKING NEWS - Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 25, 10, 10:42 AM
In a pub quiz the other night, The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa !


One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!

*****

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

*****
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

*****
The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.  Problem is that she's rubbish at snooker!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 29, 10, 04:23 PM
I had a meal at my local Korean restaurant last night.

The waiter asked me afterwards if I enjoyed the food.

I said, "It was the best meal i had ever tasted! It was the dogs bollocks!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 03, 10, 10:31 AM
Freddy Mercury was called into see God. He was told that there had been a mistake and that Freddy could return to earth as anyone who he liked.

Freddy thinks for a moment and says that he would return if he could be West Ham Utd's goalkeeper Robert Green. God is astounded and asks why Robert Green when he could be another rock star or even a king!

Freddy explained, "I will have 10 arseholes in front of me, thousands of pricks behind me and lets face it, i would never catch anything again!"

*****

I dont understand these Ethiopeans & Kenyans, they have no problem running and winning  26 mile marathons. But when it comes to walking 5 miles for water....winge! winge! fuckin winge!

*****

Geordie lad picks up a girl from Burnley in a night club, they go back to her place and he drops his pants. Burnley girl haves a long look at his todger and says, "That's a gut un!"

The Geordie lad asks, "What is a Gut un?"

The girl replies, "It means it is good!" She then drops her knickers and the Geordie lad says, "By eck! That's a canny un!"

The Burnley lass replies, "Ah canny un, that means it's good as well"

"No" says the Geordie lad, "A Canyon is a big valley were thousands of fuckin cowboys have riden through!"

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 09, 10, 09:33 PM
Lionel Richie is opening a Butchers in East London?

He's calling it: Halal. Is it meat you're looking for?
*****

I was watching cricket on the TV and a player hit 36 from 6 balls.
The commentator jumped and screamed "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER WITNESSED".

I think he was just Over reacting.
*****

Scientists in Australia have managed to grow fake breasts on a pig.

Little do they know, England managed to do that with Katie Price ages ago.
*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 27, 10, 07:50 AM
I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. 

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'.
 
A woman buys a wall mirror from the Salvo's.  The Manager asks 'would you like a screw for that mirror?'.  No she said 'but I'll suck your cock for the lawn mower over there'.
 
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to have casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.  Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said 'Sorry about the wait'.  I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.  Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'.  Murphy shouts 'Four!'
 
Recession beater - Wife says to husband 'If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'.  Husband replies 'If you'd take it up the arse and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
 
One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.???
 
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel.  Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
 
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... 'Tell me something both of you have in common'.  Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
 
Snow eh!  The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!  It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?  Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.  But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret..........they don't know about it yet!
 
My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.  She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
 
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:  It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.  A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a c**t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
 
Just bought a cool game for the PS3; it's about a black guy who drives round shagging whores, uses violence involving metal clubs, crashes his car & evades the police.  It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.
 
Just heard Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC.   I was wondering what you and your three mates are going to do with the piano?
 
The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she was pregnant by her black boyfriend.  She was discussing baby names, and apparently 'Terry the Chocolate Orange' is not an appropriate name, but good enough to get me the sack.!!!
 
When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours.  So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a c**t' on my garage door.
 
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
          1% liked the warmth
          2 % liked the sensation
          3 % liked the eroticism
        94 % just liked the peace and quiet
 
Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes.  Racism is a crime.  And crime is for black people.
 
Be careful out there.  Driving conditions are awful.  Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim.  It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
 
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear, dread & panic.... "Hi Honey I'm home".
 
Did you see Paul McCartney playing the piano on X Factor the other night...?  Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.
 
I bought a DVD the other day called 'My Favourite 18 Holes' by Tiger Woods.  What a waste of money; it was all about golf.
 
Apparently Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having a disagreement over a game of cards.  And, as it turns out, a club does beat a spade!!!


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 27, 10, 07:51 AM
Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century


'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 27, 10, 07:55 AM
 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 27, 10, 08:06 AM
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

================================================


Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care ...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


================================================


During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
 
 
================================================


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them ... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's just taken her appendix out!"


================================================


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 27, 10, 11:56 PM
In other news, France surrenders as a large fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk...  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on May 31, 10, 03:02 PM
Reminded of this by a thread elsewhere.

There was a young mathematician called Hall
who had one spherical ball
it's molecular weight
times it's square root times eight
was four fifths of five ninths of fuck all.

 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on May 31, 10, 07:25 PM
The Queen is giving Fergy a special present to show that she has no hard feelings. She's giving her a chauffer driven limo and a ticket to Paris.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 01, 10, 01:18 PM
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother sternly.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries??"

"BECAUSE...I forgot where I put him!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 06, 10, 12:10 PM
What made him do it?

Did he plan it?

Was he a mad man?

Did he plan to cause so much pain and suffering?

Did he plan to cause so much heartache to so many innocent family's and leave behind him 12 stiffs before taking the cowards way out?








Only Rafa Benitez can answer those questions!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 13, 10, 04:12 PM
Q. What's the difference between Rob Green and a cesspit ?

A. They're both s**t keepers, but you can trust a cesspit to hold the slippery ones !!!





Steven Gerrard says " The whole team is behind Green".

In retrospect, thats a good place to be
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 16, 10, 07:03 AM
South African police are sick of the knife and gun crime as well as the drug dealers at this years world cup but say things will improve once john Terry's family have flown home.

*****
My computer has just been infected with the "Rob Green Virus"...

I can't save anything....


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 16, 10, 05:42 PM
If you can't decide who to support out of North Korea and South Korea in the world cup...



wait for it




..speak to your Koreas advisor.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 19, 10, 01:59 PM
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto, aged 6
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 19, 10, 02:07 PM
 ;D ;D

England team = bunch of overpaid wankers  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Krampus on Jun 19, 10, 05:36 PM
;D ;D

England team = bunch of overpaid wankers  :gig:

don't insult ze vankers, we are not  uselezz like ze Englisch futballers
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 22, 10, 09:13 PM
ENGLAND: Avoid ITV-HD interrupting your goals with an ad break by not scoring any...  :lipsx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 24, 10, 08:07 AM
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 24, 10, 08:13 AM
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet..' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 25, 10, 05:57 PM
.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 28, 10, 08:52 AM
This guy said to me in an extremely angry voice, "I'm sick to death of getting socks every Christmas and my birthday!"

I replied, "You are so ungrateful!!. It is the thought that counts!"

I could tell from the look in his eyes, he'd have kicked my head in If he had legs.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 28, 10, 10:09 AM
 David Blaine
...is said to be gutted because his record of doing f**k all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney


 Free helpline for England supporters
0800 414141


 England Team get a New Coach
Apparently, it'll be picking them up from the airport tomorrow Night.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 28, 10, 03:35 PM
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scottish emergency services struggeled to cope with flash floods yesterday evening as 5 and a half million scots wet themselves laughing after Germany scored thier 4th goal.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 28, 10, 06:24 PM
Fabio Capello has reported that in training Wayne Rooney has been on a scoring marathon!
No wonder he has been scoring in training
He's been playing against the England defence
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 28, 10, 09:51 PM
Weather warning from the Met Office:

Keep all doors and windows shut tonight as we're expecting a shower of shit to arrive this evening from South Africa.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 29, 10, 12:26 PM
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"

The old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this bloody mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jun 29, 10, 12:53 PM
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park ............

who has been reading the Sun then  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 29, 10, 12:55 PM
who has been reading the Sun then  :neener:

Not guilty - Babs does, I don't - it came from 'elsewhere' online.  :lipsx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jun 29, 10, 07:37 PM
Not guilty - Babs does, I don't - it came from 'elsewhere' online.  :lipsx:

and the competitions... and I've won twice. Just haven't won any of the 'really' big ones... yet.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 03, 10, 09:59 PM
A wealthy Nigerian doctor says he will refund all the English fans who travelled to South Africa.


He said all he needs is their bank details, mother's date of birth and maiden name.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 07, 10, 01:44 PM
Dear Mr Moat,

While you were in prison, John terry was screwing your mrs!!

Yours sincerely

Wayne Bridge
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 07, 10, 01:51 PM
Dear Mr Moat,

So was I.

Yours sincerely

Fred.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 08, 10, 05:53 PM
The North Korean Government has said that it is deeply saddened by the death of their under achieving football team in an plane crash next Tuesday
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jul 12, 10, 09:22 PM
Atlanta Airport


You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.

Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Thirty seconds of silence...

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY APPROACHING FROM OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
,
,
,
,

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

,
,
,
,

,
,

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts, And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jul 12, 10, 09:22 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 15, 10, 07:27 AM
I banged my head last night, so i put a large dollop of margarine on it.

I woke up this morning and I Cant Believe It's Not Better!

*****

Theakston's have brought out a new ale called "Raoul Moat".

It has a strong body, but no head!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 17, 10, 10:15 PM
I have been searching the internet for 2 hours looking for U2 lyrics, but i still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jul 18, 10, 09:48 PM
You know you're ugly when the dog puts a bag over your head before humping your leg...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jul 18, 10, 10:28 PM
You know you're ugly when the dog puts a bag over your head before humping your leg...  :pa
You know you're really ugly when he puts it over his own instead... :o
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 25, 10, 07:28 AM
Q: What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

A: The French

*****

The French tennis player, Nicolas Mahut, who lost after over 11 hours of play at Wimbledon this year, is to be awarded the Legion D'Honneur.

His effort beats the previous French resistance record of 6 hours 42 minutes set in May 1940.

*****

12 million is a bit much to spend on security for the Pope's visit to the UK.

But if the kids are safe for a few days, then it will be money well spent.

*****

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.

*****

God created the Earth, Light, Adam then Eve... For a while they lived in tranquillity, until Eve decided she was tired and feeble and 'needed rest'. Eve constantly told Adam to talk to God about it.

God created sleep, but for weeks Eve couldn't rest because it was 'too light'.... She went on and on at Adam to talk to God and in the end, God compromised with Night.

And since that day, women have now realised if they nag, 'day and night', they'll eventually get what they want.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 18, 10, 06:18 PM
Man phones the doctor.

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to give me something. I'm incontinent."

Doc: "Where are you ringing from?"

Man:  "The waist down"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 20, 10, 08:43 PM
A donation of 3 will provide a Pakistani family with food and clean water for a whole week------however, on a more serious note you can buy 4 cans of Stella from Asda  for just  2.99
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 21, 10, 11:14 AM
It's a bloody good job England wasnt flooded, even more Pakistanis would have drowned!
*****
A nymphomaniac gets on a bus and sits on the seat in front of the only passenger who just happens be to a blind man. Not realising he is blind, she turns around and starts blowing kisses at him.
The blind man just sits there.
Outraged, the nymph immediately flops her tits out for him to see and starts licking her nipples. The blind man just sits there.
Really angry now, the nymph strips all her clothes off and starts waving her gash about in front of his face.
Gosh, says the blind man sniffing the air, Grimsby already!
*****
I was on Dragon's Den but got thrown out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Go and make a cup of tea and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is totally unacceptable.
*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 24, 10, 07:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 24, 10, 07:18 AM
> The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the
> smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they
> start finding the dead ones.
>
>
> A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan
> Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
>
> There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines
> plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are
> devastated.
>
> Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African
> woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told
> him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
>
> Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state
> after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
> following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
>
> A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her,
> "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I
> have a woman in twice a week!"
>
> Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
> said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
> His wife asked, "What is that?"
> Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
> pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
> His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
> hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
> mother's house!"
>
> My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's
> daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I
> hope you used something though?"
> He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
>
>
>
> I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
> recently, to get my testicles checked out.
> While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
> normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
> I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
> She replied, "No, but I have!"
>
> Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims
> cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
> Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more
> appropriate!
>
>
>
> A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy,
> I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
> Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian,
> Minjeeta?"
>
> A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
> him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
> "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten
> minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it
> all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
>
> The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
> up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
>
>
> I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit
> him on the head!
>
> The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His
> funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 24, 10, 07:19 AM
Tax Time....


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."   

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 25, 10, 03:38 PM
Cat in a bin, I was so outraged I reported the women to the local policeman







Officer Dibble said it was OK, the cat lives there
His name is T.C. and he's the leader of the gang.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 25, 10, 06:17 PM
"I bet Schroedinger didn't get this much grief when he done it" - Cat Bin Lady
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 25, 10, 06:21 PM
Head-games:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.

When you get home, ask them "Where's my baby?"  :nooo:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 27, 10, 07:45 AM
To all the kids who failed their GCSE's, just remember two things:

1. You tried your hardest.

2. I dont want gerkin on my Big Mac!

*****

The dead MI6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath.

Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherds Spy.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 30, 10, 09:02 AM
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Its doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 30, 10, 11:01 AM
The trapped Chileans asked if they could have a blow up doll lowered down to them.

I suppose that avoids a prison sentence for having sex with a minor...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 31, 10, 07:27 AM

New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile, 33 contestants, 4 months, 1 cave.

Welcome to Dig Brother!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Sep 01, 10, 09:37 AM
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box..''


''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
.....

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''


''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard..

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

.....

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''


''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

 

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 07, 10, 12:50 PM
Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's theme'd party for his players last night....Giggsy arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 07, 10, 08:13 PM
Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 07, 10, 08:50 PM
Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Sep 07, 10, 08:53 PM
A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 08, 10, 12:40 PM
David Haye has described his up coming fight with Audley Harrison as going to be "as one sided as a gang rape"

Sounds like he's expecting to get a pounding in the ring...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 10, 10, 08:13 AM
During the 2010 World Cup, I was shouting at the TV screen,

"Rooney you fat git! You couldn't score in a brothel!"


Oh how stupid do i feel now???
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 10, 10, 09:42 AM

Oh how stupid do i feel now???


About half as stupid as you are?  :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 11, 10, 09:11 PM
About half as stupid as you are?  :hat3:

Recognition at last!  :hat3:


A Catholic priest and a Buddhist monk were making toast when the priest said there's an image of Jesus in the margarine.

The monk replied, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 13, 10, 06:23 AM
Q: What is the defination of a lesbian?

A: Just another woman trying to do a mans job!

*****
The Pakistani Cricket team's hotel burnt down last night. Police are still trying to establish who threw the match.

*****
Welsh foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Irish foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
English foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 13, 10, 06:10 PM
Australian foreplay: Brace yerself Sheila
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 15, 10, 06:49 PM
George M ichael has been caught smuggling chocolate bars into his prison cell. He managed to get two Kit Kats, a Crunchie and a Mars bar past the guards but gave himself away with a careless Wispa.

*****
Prison sources say that George M ichael has settled well into prison life and has already started writing a song about his skinhead cell mate.

George hopes to have the song finished in time for the Christmas charts and it will be titled 'Hairless Fister'

*****
Q: What does George M ichael and Chillian miners have in common?

A: They will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 16, 10, 02:05 PM
A girl is in a night club, a bloke comes up to her...

"That's a splendid thigh you've got - Can I buy that thigh a drink? " he says.

Thinking its a pretty strange chat up line the girl agrees. The bloke buys her a drink.

"That's a fantastic shin - Would that shin like to share a table with me?" the bloke continues...

Strange - she thinks, but agrees to go over to a table with him.

They are finishing their drinks when the bloke asks...

"That's a beautiful kneecap - Would that kneecap like to dance?"

It is only then the girl realises what is happening...












The bloke is only pulling her leg.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 17, 10, 01:48 PM
Susan Boyle is currently running around Glasgow dressed as an alter boy since the popes visit. Some people will do anything to loose there virginity.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 19, 10, 02:04 PM
What has the Chilean miners got in common with George M ichael?




























Both expect to have the size of their hole increased in the next eight weeks.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 19, 10, 02:32 PM
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Sep 20, 10, 04:00 PM

The bloke is only pulling her leg.



 :groan
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Sep 20, 10, 06:17 PM

 :groan

It's in the right place then?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 26, 10, 09:15 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmtUStAK75Q&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmtUStAK75Q&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 30, 10, 07:41 AM
I went to a Muslim stag party last weekend, it was wild!

The stripper got her face out for the lads!

*****
I woke up at 8 o' clock this morning and i could just smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing and motionless.

I panicked, i didn't know what to do ....... then i remembered that McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30am!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 30, 10, 08:29 AM
I heard my next door neighbour's wife coming last night.

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag - all the way up the fucking path.  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 13, 10, 08:01 AM
The first text message has emerged from the Chillian minors:

"What happened underground, stays underground!"

*****

Does anybody know how to cancel an ebay bid?

I wanted to buy a mickey mouse outfit and now i am 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool F.C.

*****

I suggested to the wife that she should start masterbating with fruit, but she went fuckin' bananas!

*****

My wife said that my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac.

She was quite proud of that remark until i asked her why her sister still had bad breath!

*****

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 13, 10, 09:18 AM

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.


Knowing you, that wouldn't have stopped you...  :lipsx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 13, 10, 06:32 PM

 Colin, the Aborigine





 A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and  flirting..


 

At the height of the party, the host said,
'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool
and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..


Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

 

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah,
you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. 
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.


The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


Colin said,

 

                                                                              'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 13, 10, 06:32 PM
 I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f......g will power'
 
Top tip; if youre camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually'
   
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '................Murphy says 'Four!'
   
   
Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
   
I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
   
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 13, 10, 06:33 PM
Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm.   It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick  came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim  if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't know we had a choice!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a  flight. 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy and Murphy are working on  a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts  "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"    So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Two Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Q.  What's a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch  your arse if you get a dodgy one!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify  her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"  and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see  how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"

 
 
 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 13, 10, 06:35 PM
Police in Birmingham have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of approximately 200 automatic and semi-automatic rifles and hand-guns, almost 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 4 grenade launchers, explosives and detonators. Additionally, the raid revealed a huge drug laboratory, five million dollars in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Indonesian and Thailand prostitutes. The raid was conducted in a Council House behind the Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!!"
 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 13, 10, 06:39 PM
Condom Facts
Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 13, 10, 07:22 PM
Condom Facts
Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the english somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


corrected
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 13, 10, 09:45 PM
corrected

I can see why, the welsh preferred to leave it where it was.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 14, 10, 07:22 AM
I can see why, the welsh preferred to leave it where it was.  :gig:

Just like the Arabs........and connection ?... ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 14, 10, 08:28 AM
Just like the Arabs........and connection ?... ;D

Compare their two-legged livestock to their four-legged and all will become clear...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 14, 10, 07:58 PM
The ISRAELIS are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

They have a heavy steel Kevlar encased booth, that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device or components you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!


This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

I can see it now..... You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 14, 10, 07:59 PM
In the United Kingdom, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action Group...
 
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
 
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
 
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
 
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
 
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
 
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?
 
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."
 
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
 
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,  the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 14, 10, 08:00 PM
A  man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple  dose
of  Viagra.  The doctor told him that he couldn't allow  him  a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's  not  safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,'  said the  man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked  the  doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming  into town on  Friday, my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday and my  wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you
see? I've got to have a  triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right,  I'll give it to you, but
You have to come in Monday morning so  that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself  into the doctor's
office...his swollen right arm in a sling.

The doctor  asked, 'Good gawd! What  happened to you?'

The man said, 'No  one showed  up.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 14, 10, 11:17 PM
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release...

'Can we switch the lights off?...'

'Of course honey...'

'Can I have you from behind...?'

'Anything you want my brave boy...'

'OK, can I call you Pedro...?'


(Thanks mysophilia)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Oct 15, 10, 05:43 AM
 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 15, 10, 12:40 PM
another survivor
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 16, 10, 08:25 AM
^^ :laugh:  :hat3: ^^


X Factor Fans!

If your missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you will be able to sponsor her for just 3 a month!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 16, 10, 04:02 PM
Gary Glitter is in Chile now.
It's the only place you can slide a minor up & down your shaft and get applauded!


Margaret Thatcher must be gutted.
On the week of her 85th birthday the only thing on telly is miners celebrating
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 16, 10, 04:41 PM
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day.

He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

This mower work, son? the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord.

Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.

Well, Johnny said, you need to cuss at it sometimes.

The preacher was aghast. I've not done that in years!

Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll soon come back to you.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 16, 10, 04:59 PM
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

If I gave you $200, the teacher began, and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan,
what would you have?

An orgy Johnny answered.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 16, 10, 07:08 PM
one of the miners is said to be gutted, he forgot to clock in!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 17, 10, 04:14 PM
- Apparently the first Chilean miner came out and asked "Has Rooney scored yet?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 18, 10, 10:26 PM
With Gordon Strachan's departure, Steve Gibson, chairman of Middlesbrough FC, has made a personal appeal to the Chilean President to ask if the team that organised the rescue of those 33 miners could dig his club out of their black hole in time for Christmas.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Oct 18, 10, 10:30 PM
With Gordon Strachan's departure, Steve Gibson, chairman of Middlesbrough FC, has made a personal appeal to the Chilean President to ask if the team that organised the rescue of those 33 miners could dig his club out of their black hole in time for Christmas.

Sebastian Pinera told him to fuck off, he doesn't believe in miracles...  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Oct 19, 10, 04:35 PM
I bought my wife a pair of Liverpool knickers.

Two yanks and they are down!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 25, 10, 10:10 PM
Caption this!

I'm going for an easy one - "Who you callin' a pervert?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Oct 28, 10, 10:46 PM
Young shark out with his dad on first people hunt asks, "Why do we waste time swimming round and round the catch with our fins showing above the water? Wouldn't it make more sense just to strike straightaway?"

"Ah,", says dad, "they don't taste so good while they're still full of shit."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Oct 29, 10, 12:26 PM
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German midget dives in , pulls out the dog , resuscitates it and saves its life.
"Are you a little vet? " asks the woman.
"A little vet?" said the German , "I'm f*%kin soaked!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 07, 10, 08:34 AM
Just had my water rates drop on the door mat 200 the thieving gits.
Yet Oxfam can supply a whole village for just 2 a month, so guess i'm changing my supplier!

*****

A Woman walks into a bar and ask's the Barman for a double Entendre
So he gave her one.

*****

I started a new job as a rubbish collector other day. I had no formal training, but the manager said i would pick it up as I go along.

*****

Prime Minister David Cameron, has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 07, 10, 10:50 AM
Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action Group.
 She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
 So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 07, 10, 10:50 AM
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 07, 10, 10:52 AM
To cheer your week end ( or your weak end)

 

    1.When I was born, I was given a choice:  A big  dick or a good memory...
       I don't remember, what I  chose.

  2.  Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

  3.  A wife is a sex object.   Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

  4.  Impotence:   Nature's way of saying:  'No hard  feelings....'

  5.  There are only two four letter words that are  offensive to men:
     'don't' and 'stop', unless  they are used  together.

  6.  Panties:   Not the best thing on earth, but next  to the best thing on  earth.

  7.  There are three stages of sex in a man's life:  Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

  8.  Virginity can be  cured.

  9.  Virginity is not dignity, its lack of  opportunity.

10.  Having sex is like playing bridge. 
       If you don't  have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11.  I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too  small...

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13.  Q:  What's an Australian  kiss?
       A:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down  under.

14.  A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
       He was happy with the Hole and she was  happy with the Thing......

15.  Q:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
        A:  Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16.  Q:   Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
        A:  Breasts don't have eyes.

17.  Despite the old saying:  'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
       Many men still sleep with  their wives!!

 

18.  You can tell that the honeymoon is over -  at the  first headache.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Nov 08, 10, 07:59 PM
Was at the doctor's today. He told me I was a paranoid racist. Well, he never actually said it, but I knew what he was thinking, the black bastard.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Nov 10, 10, 07:47 PM
The diary of a Viagra housewife ....

Day 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!!
Day 6: Life is wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12: I wish he were gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, brushing my teeth or even washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16: The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: I switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Oh no! Here he comes again...
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 10, 10, 07:50 PM
misplaced that
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 15, 10, 12:29 PM
What's the best time to sell (insert nationality of choice) a plot of land?






When the tide's out.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Nov 15, 10, 02:53 PM
What's the best time to sell (insert nationality of choice) a plot of land?
When the tide's out.

What's geographically wrong with Australia?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's above sea level.       ::)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 15, 10, 03:31 PM
What's geographically wrong with Wales?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's above sea level.       ::)

Fixed.  ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 15, 10, 07:25 PM
see hook no bite
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 15, 10, 07:28 PM
see hook no bite

See gob no teeth
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 15, 10, 07:30 PM
see my dentist
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 15, 10, 07:36 PM
see my dentist

Looking at your avatar, I think I'll give them a miss.  :)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 16, 10, 05:12 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question
asked was:


"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


1.      In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2.      In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3.      In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.      In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5.      In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6.      In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7.      In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8.      In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 16, 10, 05:12 PM
Sneezing  On the  Airplane:
==========================

A  man and a woman were sitting beside each other  in
the first class section of an  airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a  tissue, gently wiped her
nose, then visibly  shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The  man went back to his reading. A few minutes  later,
the woman sneezed again, took a  tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered  violently once more.

Assuming that the  woman might have a cold, the man was
still  curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes  passed when
the woman sneezed yet  again.

As before, she took a tissue,  wiped her nose, her body
shaking ever more  than before.

Unable to restrain his  curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and  said, "I couldn't help but notice that  you've
sneezed three times, wipe your nose  and then shudder violently.
Are you  ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I  have a very
rare medical condition; whenever  I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more  than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. "  I have never heard of that condition
before"  he said. "Are you taking anything for  it?"

The woman nodded,  "Pepper."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 16, 10, 06:40 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question
asked was:


"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


1.      In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2.      In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3.      In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.      In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5.      In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6.      In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7.      In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8.      In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.



Quite probably true.

Although any Indian accent is a damn sight easier to understand than the folks in the old Sky call-centre in Livingstone.  :pa
Even if the Indians are speaking Gujarati at the time.  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 17, 10, 01:10 PM
Police in London
have found a bomb outside
a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know
they were living up there".

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown
5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points
to a ladder that

rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his

climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a
coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 17, 10, 01:12 PM
Twelve Italian priests were about
to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced
before them.
 
Each priest had a small bell attached
to his penis, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
 
The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos.
 
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his
bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in  nearby foliage.
 
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

and all the other bells started to ring.


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 17, 10, 01:14 PM
For the Aussies.......... ;D

 DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA       
             
                                August 31 - Just got transferred with work
from Leeds UK
                                to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia .
                                Now this is a town that knows how to live!
                                Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
                                I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our
pool yesterday.
                                It was beautiful. I've finally found my new
home. I love it here.
             
                                September 13 - Really heating up now. It got
to 31 today. No problem
                                though. Living in air-conditioned home,
driving air-conditioned car.
                                What a pleasure to see the sun every day like
this. I'm turning into a
                                sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in
Leeds!!
             
                                September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped
with tropical plants
                                today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more
mowing lawns for me! Another
                                scorcher today, but I love it here. It's
Paradise!
             
                                October 10 - The temperature hasn't been
below 35 all week. How do
                                people get used to this kind of heat? At
least today it's windy though.
                                Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is
taking longer than we expected.
             
                              October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool
yesterday. Got third degree burns
                                over 60% of my body. Missed three days off
work. What a dumb thing
                                to do. Got to respect the old sun in a
climate like this!
             
                                October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat)
sneaking into the car before I
                                left for work this morning. By the time I got
back to the car after work,
                                Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of
a shopping bag and stuck
                                to the upholstery. The car now smells like
Whiskettes and cat shit. I've
                                learned my lesson though: no more pets in
this heat.
             
                                October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels
like a giant fucking blow
                                dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air
conditioner is on the blink
                                and the repair man charged $200 just to drive
over and tell me he needs
                                to order parts from fucking Perth ....The
wife & the kids are complaining.
             
                                October 30 - The temperature's up around 40
and the parts still haven't
                                arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been
                                sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights
now. Bloody $600,000 house
                                and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did
I ever come here?
             
                                November 4 - Finally got the fucking
air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and
                                gets the temperature down to around 25
degrees, but the humidity makes it
                                feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.
             
                                November 8 - If one more smart bastard says
'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
                                going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car
                                radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes
are soaking fucking wet and I
                                smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the
end of the Earth.
               
                                November 9 - Tried to run some errands after
work, wore shorts, and sat on the
                                black leather upholstery in my car. I thought
my fucking arse was on fire. I lost 2
                                layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of
my legs and off my fucking arse. Now
                                the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse
and baked cat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
             
                                November 10 -- The Weather report might as
well be a fucking recording.
                                Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking
sunny. It never fucking changes!
                                It's been too hot to do anything for 2
fucking months and the weatherman says it
                                might really warm up next week. Fuck!
             
                                November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this
damn fucking place? Water restrictions
                                will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms
might just dry up and blow into the fucking
                                pool. The only things that thrive in this
fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't
                                dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing
half a dozen of the little bastards!
             
                              November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45
fuckin' degrees today. Now the air
                                conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man
came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for
                                you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car
up his fucking arse. Anyway, had to spend
                                the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
                                Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented
fucking idiot would want to live here!
             
                                December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of
Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!
             
             
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 17, 10, 01:16 PM
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a jetty on the River Thames.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could
not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a fucking stamp!


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 20, 10, 01:24 PM
I decided to burn a lot of calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Nov 20, 10, 06:48 PM

and all the other bells started to ring.



 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 22, 10, 12:24 PM
Kate Middleton is employing a Chilean miner as her driver as he won't go into a tunnel...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 24, 10, 08:32 PM
BREAKING NEWS! Steve Jobs is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem.


It will be rebranded iLand
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 25, 10, 06:21 PM
What did the leper say to the prostitute?


Keep the tip.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 26, 10, 01:22 PM
The funeral has been arranged at a norfolk crematorium. He will be placed in an oven at gas mark 6 for 7 hours.


Don't worry if you can't make Bernard Matthews funeral wake, there'll be leftovers for at least five days
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 27, 10, 07:09 AM
A woman accidentally sets her pubic hair alight and rushes out onto the balcony to estinguisg the flames but she trips and falls over the edge.

Paddy and Murphy were stood below watching the flaming pussy hurtle towards them.

Paddy says, "Is that a comet Murphy?"

"No!" replies Murphy, "It's a Twattalite!"

*****

Guy goes to the Vampire section of a Fancy Dress store and speaks to the assistant who replies, "Go across the road to the Liverpool Football Club Supporters Shop!"

The guy says, "I think you misheard me, I said i wanted to dress like a COUNT!"

*****

A woman comes home to find her husband making love to a female midget.

She screams at him, "You promised no more affairs! You said you wouldn't cheat any more!"

The husband replies, "For fuck sake woman! Cant you see i am trying to cut down!"

*****

My wife is in intensive care at the local hospital.
It seems i misunderstood her when she said she wanted fireworks in the bedroom!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 27, 10, 11:11 AM


Guy goes to the Vampire section of a Fancy Dress store and speaks to the assistant who replies, "Go across the road to the Liverpool Football Club Supporters Shop!"

The guy says, "I think you misheard me, I said i wanted to dress like a COUNT!"


Don't let Ray see this  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Norman on Nov 27, 10, 01:59 PM
Don't let Ray see this  :neener:

I'll not tell him if you don't ;)

 :wave1:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Nov 27, 10, 02:16 PM
For the Aussies.......... ;D

 DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA       
             
                             

 :hysterical: That amused me. ( I spent a while in Perth some years ago, and I can vouch for the flies )

 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 27, 10, 07:24 PM
What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Nov 28, 10, 07:31 AM
What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.

   (http://www.smilies.our-local.co.uk/index_files/thud.gif)

 :t:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Nov 28, 10, 09:38 AM
 :gig: :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 28, 10, 10:24 AM
What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.

Try telling that to the decendants of fuck knows how many Irishmen that only came here seeking a fekkin' potato...  :pa
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Nov 28, 10, 05:17 PM
Try telling that to the decendants of fuck knows how many Irishmen that only came here seeking a fekkin' potato...  :pa

The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 28, 10, 05:26 PM
The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...

A joint that old will be pretty stale anyway.  :s:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 28, 10, 06:17 PM
The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...

It is all the fault of the Romans
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 28, 10, 06:32 PM
It is all the fault of the Romans

"Romans Go Home" is a very common theme of stuff sold to tourists around Bath - I wonder how many of the younger ones get the Python connection?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Nov 28, 10, 06:48 PM
what have South American Snakes got to do with roman ruins in Bath?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 28, 10, 06:51 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Nov 30, 10, 05:15 PM
A muslim was stripped searched at Manchester Airport, he had a tin of Spam up his arse.

Police believe he may be a member of the Terrorist group Hamass!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 30, 10, 05:32 PM
A muslim was stripped searched at Manchester Airport, he had a tin of Spam up his arse.

Police believe he may be a member of the Terrorist group Hamass!

Go ask an Imam why that's unlikely to happen... I dare you!  :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Nov 30, 10, 05:48 PM
Is there any way we could rename this thread.....?.......................................... Centre for the Socially Disfunctional with no Sense of Humour?

( I am only passing this on from Norman, who has eventually turned up ,,...from ..300 yards away,  with 2 bottles of Pinot Grogio. )

 :juice:

 :tnx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Nov 30, 10, 05:59 PM
Is there any way we could rename this thread.....?.......................................... Centre for the Socially Disfunctional with no Sense of Humour?


You could do that... but you'd reveal the fact you were the one lacking the humour...  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Nov 30, 10, 07:53 PM
I just found out the ending of Star Wars thanks to Wookieleaks.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 02, 10, 07:23 PM
I missed the televised decision on who is to host the 2012 World Cup Finals. I've been Russian about all day as well so i could watch it, and now I'm late for work so, Moscow.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 02, 10, 07:46 PM
The 2022 world cup in Qatar will be like my dreams coming true.

Scouse touts getting their hands cut off
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 03, 10, 12:45 PM
Snow shovel 10.99
New hat & gloves 4.99
Wellington boots 15.99
B & Q road salt 5.99
Having to join the AA for roadside recovery 79.99
New bumper on your car after sliding in the snow 299.99

England's embarrassing failure to get the World Cup bid....  priceless!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 03, 10, 01:04 PM
Snow shovel 10.99
New hat & gloves 4.99
Wellington boots 15.99
B & Q road salt 5.99
Having to join the AA for roadside recovery 79.99
New bumper on your car after sliding in the snow 299.99

England's embarrassing failure to get the World Cup bid....  priceless!

Aye, it isn't often that atheists have their prayers answered ..
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 03, 10, 01:30 PM
Aye, it isn't often that atheists have their prayers answered ..

Question - what exactly were you praying to?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Dec 03, 10, 04:24 PM
 :lipsx:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 03, 10, 04:33 PM
Christmas is like any other day for me ..... I sit down with a fat bird that doesnt gobble any more!

*****

Paddy says to Mick - Christmas is on a Friday this year.

Mick - I hope it isn't the 13th!

*****

Have you heard about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted for Christmas is to eat, drink and be Mary!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 03, 10, 06:47 PM
Can you imagine scoring the winning goal at the 2022 world cup final in Qatar.
Your Team mate runs up and kisses you on the cheek.
You lift the world cup!

Then get arrested and beheaded
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 03, 10, 07:05 PM
Say what you like about Audley Harrison - at least he got past the first round.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 05, 10, 08:42 AM
Because of all the snow and ice at the moment, the goverment are worried about kids playing on the roads.
So to scare them off they are going to bring out a special machine.


Its called the " Gary Gritter"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 05, 10, 08:55 PM
When travelling In extreme weather conditions the Government advise you should carry a shovel, flask, warm clothing, wellingtons/walking boots, rock salt, hi-viz jacket and a blanket!

I looked a right twat on the bus!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 06, 10, 06:12 PM
Kate Middelton says to the queen

"have you got any tips for a long & successful marriage"

Yes dear the queen replied

"wear a seatbelt and dont p me off"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 07, 10, 07:12 PM
Poor Julian Assange.

If it's not bad enough that he's wanted for rape, the Americans are now looking for him in connection with the assassination of JFK.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 09, 10, 06:56 PM
I saw an ad in the paper for a plumber.

It said 'Any leak fixed guaranteed, or I pay you 100.' So I gave him a call and he arrived promptly.

Imagine his frustration when I shouted 'WikiLeaks' and watched him write out a cheque.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Dec 10, 10, 07:00 PM
BBC NEWS: Police bring out horses during student fees riots.

Oh so that's why Camilla was there.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Dec 12, 10, 04:01 PM
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?' 'Sure! Allah Akbar!'
'On the kitchen table?' 'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'
'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a p***. video?'
'You may indeed. Allah Akbar!'
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Dec 12, 10, 04:04 PM
A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
 
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.  The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
 
This would be a win-win for everyone.  There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
 
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now:  you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."   


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 12, 10, 04:11 PM
I'd vote for that.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Dec 12, 10, 08:46 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."

That's when the proctologist got up and left.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Dec 12, 10, 10:12 PM
Dozens of people were injured during a melee at a charity panto for paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals when one of the crowd shouted out "He's behind you!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Dec 20, 10, 09:33 AM
Manchester Utd midfielder Park Ji-Sung says a dog is not just for Christmas ...

It also makes great sandwiches on Boxing day!

*****

I know A lot of people are affected by the cold weather and snow at the moment, but here is a thought to make you warm and happy, there are hundreds of trucks stuck in snow up and down the country.

There could be hundreds of asylum seekers frozen to death in the back of them!

Result!!!

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on Jan 01, 11, 02:56 PM

New years honours:

Christopher Biggins to be made a Dame for services to Panto...

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on Jan 01, 11, 02:57 PM

Bet Guy Fawkes is spinning in his grave at the thought of all those explosives round Parliament last night...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on Jan 02, 11, 04:46 PM

Latest suicide bomber fails as unable to reach to light the fuse...

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Jan 03, 11, 12:36 PM
The musical tribute to the Chilean rescue was cancelled when they discovered it had been composed in A Flat Minor
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jan 04, 11, 08:34 AM
How to deal with the cold.

 
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird."     :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 06, 11, 07:04 PM
Global spam levels fall and the experts have no idea why.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12126880



I'll tell you why, it tastes  awful.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 08, 11, 12:53 PM
Razor finally persuaded me to go along to a gay bar with him, just to see what it was like.

I won't be doing that again in a hurry...  :pa

It was Open Mike Night.  :yuck:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 09, 11, 06:05 PM
bad taste alert




Arizona gunman who shot Congresswoman Giffords was "22-year-old army reject".

I would have thought that the ability to not kill your target "after shooting them in the head from point blank range" - whilst at the same time killing 6 others and injuring 13 more - would be enough proof that he was qualified to serve in the United States Armed Forces.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jan 10, 11, 12:43 AM
(http://www.katzy.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/tumbleweed.gif)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 16, 11, 09:16 AM
 Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 18, 11, 11:46 AM
Mr Tickle is all excited about his wedding to girlfirend Tess.
She has her reservations and may keep her maiden name.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jan 22, 11, 07:07 PM
Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang outwith the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told herthat I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 75 years old and you'regoing to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I evengot a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membershipto a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jan 24, 11, 12:23 PM
Razor finally persuaded me to go along to a gay bar with him, just to see what it was like.

I won't be doing that again in a hurry...  :pa

It was Open Mike Night.  :yuck:

 :hysterical:

***
The Beckhams have only been in London for a couple of weeks and already Posh spice is pregnant. John Terry dont hang about, does he?

***
Gary Glitter has applied to be Aston Villas new manager as he heard Young, Bent and Keane were avaliable.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jan 24, 11, 07:19 PM
OFFICIAL WARNING FROM THE POLICE

Subject - New set of Keys in the crime world

Home owners warned about new bunch of keys that can open 75% of homes and 85% of cars.

They are:

Dar-keys
Pak-keys
Pie-keys and
Junk-keys

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 01, 11, 07:35 AM
WARNING:

If you receive a text message or an email saying that you can get swine flu from tinned pork, delete it! It's just spam!

*****

A friend of mine drinks brake fluid. I have told him that it is dangerous stuff and he could become addicted. But he says he's ok! He can stop at any time!

*****

Rolf harries is to release a "Flood Aid" single for victims of the Australian Flood Disaster.

It is called, 'Why's me kangaroo drowned sport?'

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 03, 11, 11:21 AM
Doctor. "I can assure you Miss Goodbody there is not medical evidence to suggest that Diarrhea is a genetic condition"

"Well Doctor, I know for a fact it's in my jeans"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 13, 11, 02:41 PM
Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere...

A Barnsley fellow walks into a jewellers and says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog?"

"Do you want it eighteen carat?" asks the assistant.

"Ne laddy, a wants it chewing a fuckin bowen"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Ray on Feb 13, 11, 02:45 PM
Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere...
A Barnsley fellow walks into a jewellers and says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog?"
"Do you want it eighteen carat?" asks the assistant.
"Ne laddy, a wants it chewing a fuckin bowen"

   (http://www.smilies.our-local.co.uk/index_files/thud.gif)

 :lh:


 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 18, 11, 12:04 PM
Ray & me were in the pub talking about the big match on Saturday.

I asked him, "Is Gerrard fit?"

He said, "I wouldn't say no..."  :bolt:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 18, 11, 06:08 PM
Ray & me were in the pub talking about the big match on Saturday.

I asked him, "Is Gerrard fit?"

He said, "I wouldn't say no..."  :bolt:

Perhaps I am missing sumfink but I just don't see the joke in that at all ( except the fact L'pool and the majority of football teams are a big joke )
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 18, 11, 08:54 PM
Perhaps I am missing sumfink

You are.  ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 19, 11, 07:31 AM
it must be a laguage thing then from those that speak English with a weird accent cos I just don't get it
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 19, 11, 08:24 AM
it must be a laguage thing then from those that speak English with a weird accent cos I just don't get it

Less accent than idiom, I suspect. 'Fit' has multiple meanings.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Feb 19, 11, 09:01 AM
Less accent than idiom, I suspect. 'Fit' has multiple meanings.

And we moan about the yanks murdering the English Language  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Feb 20, 11, 08:04 PM
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.

The second woman responded, Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!

Whoa, replied the first woman. I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Feb 21, 11, 04:09 PM
God suggested Jesus should try the modern drugs that have decimated society in order to understand the effects.

So he asked his disciples to fetch him some samples.

Matthew brought cocaine, Mark brought canabis, Paul brought crack and Judas.................well he just brought the ferkin drug squad.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 21, 11, 08:10 PM
In India recently, I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought, what a bloody great idea, why don't we have them in our country?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 21, 11, 08:13 PM
Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

 
 Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
 I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

 
 Just Fostered a Muslim kid. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
 

 Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - All I said was, "golly you're tall.".

 
 They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
 because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 
 Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
 Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
 

 The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners. She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom"
 I said no, just take off for 4 months.


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
 But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Feb 25, 11, 08:08 PM
I was in bed with my Jewish girlfriend and i could not stop farting. She complained like hell, calling me a selfish bastard.

"O' come on!" I said, "A little gas never hurt anyone!"

Apparently, I am totally insensitive as well !!!

*****

I was gang raped by mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me!

*****

The F.A. have agreed that if Manchester City reach Wembley this season, the fans can take flares into the stadium. This is to remind them of what they were wearing the last time they reached a major final.

*****

The dog ran off the other night whilst i was taking it for a walk. I searched the local park and called his name for 20 minutes. My wife said i should have looked harder, so i shaved my head, got tattoo's but i still cant find the feckin dog!

*****

Police are appealing for help in finding a man who stabbed six people with a knitting needle. They think he's following some sort of pattern.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 25, 11, 08:57 PM
Ahkmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East, and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill.

                  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help
him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go
into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes.'

                  Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in
the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten
minutes.

                  Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel
terrific! What was wrong with me?'

                  The doctor  said .... 'You were  homesick'.


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 27, 11, 08:13 AM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test
carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the
nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 27, 11, 08:15 AM
 


Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?' 
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

LOUD SEX   
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 
  CONFOUNDED SEX   
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium,  and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.



'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
 


 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

       WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'



'Yeah,' she  replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '



 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX   

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 
 
 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 27, 11, 08:34 AM

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

KY has it's uses when you both want sex too.

A little bit on the doorknob stops the bloody kids interrupting...  :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Feb 27, 11, 09:21 AM
In my day.........it was Vaseline........ ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 27, 11, 09:36 AM
In my day.........it was Vaseline........ ;D

Watch out for swarf if you ever resort to axle-grease...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Feb 27, 11, 05:07 PM
As I listened at the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.

I mean, where can you hide a wasp's nest for over a week?  :think:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Mar 03, 11, 06:47 PM
A tourist had died two weeks after falling from the balconey of his holiday hotel.

Fuck me, that must have been one tall building.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Mar 03, 11, 06:53 PM
Another Jewish woman has come forward to complain about Jean-Paul Galliano. In bed with him one night, he let off a succession of serious farts and, not unnaturally, she gave him a good ear-bashing. " Sacre bleu," says J-P, " a bit of gas never hurt anybody."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 08, 11, 05:10 PM
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water... If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby..'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 08, 11, 05:11 PM
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.



When I turned  40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 08, 11, 05:12 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out
with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the

Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Mar 09, 11, 09:50 AM
 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 11, 11, 04:11 AM
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West..

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 11, 11, 05:56 AM
 :hysterical: :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: croissant.neuf on Mar 18, 11, 11:45 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"

The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 21, 11, 07:38 PM
The colder it gets....the harder it grips.............:gig:

I might just get into production of this nifty little device...............this time next year I will be a millionaire....... :s:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Mar 21, 11, 07:54 PM
The only bad joke there is the piss water they are pretending is beer
Main problem with that piece of equipment  is that it warms the beer instead of keeping it cool  :beer2:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Mar 22, 11, 07:44 PM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your 
neighbor?'   
 
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the damn jar open.' 
 

 

 
 

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Mar 22, 11, 09:14 PM
 
 
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the damn jar open.' 
 


 rofl
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Mar 31, 11, 04:10 PM
I set a new personal record last weekend for continuously making love for 1 hour 26 seconds! Then my wife pointed out that the clocks went forward an hour for daylight savings!!!

*****

Fek me! The BBC must have the worlds strictest working conditions! Peter Rowell, the missing News/TV/Radio Presenter tries to throw a "sickie day" and the BBC have the whole of the UK looking for him!

*****

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: handy on Mar 31, 11, 06:03 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank,

an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard,

a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German,

an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn,

an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech,

and

a Swiss man walk into a nightclub.


The bouncer says,












"I can't let you in without a Thai."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 01, 11, 05:39 AM
Off Fukushima the fish are eating raw Japs
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 01, 11, 06:33 AM
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military

man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the

life out of those boobs and shag your brains out.'

 

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

 

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished'.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 01, 11, 06:34 AM
What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.


They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

 

When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.

 

They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.

 

Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ......... and yet our baby is so happy.

 

This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 10, 11, 09:50 AM
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
 
The father said, "Why, it's a 'Chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
 
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
 
"It's a 'Djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
 
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
 
His father replied, "These are 'Babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
 
"Then tell me," added the boy.
 
"Yes, my son?"
 
"Why are you wearing all this shit when we live in London?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: handy on Apr 10, 11, 02:37 PM
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 13, 11, 08:25 AM
My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

 

 

 



"Well,"  Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 15, 11, 08:45 AM
WARNING!

Dont join the new Tesco Dating Service.

I did and ended up with a bag for life!

*****
I bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod, myself a iPhone and my wife an iRon. She wasnt overjoyed even after i explained it can be intergrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network.

This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.

*****
Just home from the World Blindfolded Wanking Championship. There were hundreds of entrants, i am not sure where i came?

*****
Prince William says he does not want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesnt give a fuck about what William wants! prince Edward will attend the wedding!

***** 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 15, 11, 10:23 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Apr 15, 11, 12:57 PM
 :gig: :gig: :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 17, 11, 04:41 PM
FOR SALE: Man United radio. Volume works, bass is great. But the treble's Blown.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Apr 17, 11, 07:56 PM
The  value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little  Susie was not the best student in Catholic  School.  Usually she slept through the class.

One day her  teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was  sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her  friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in  the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun  said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A  little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and  Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once  again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the  butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the  Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back  asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did  Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third  child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time  Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in  me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun  fainted.

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Apr 19, 11, 07:58 AM
The M1 is closed North and South near London due to a large obstruction.

Police have identified it as being Rio Ferdinands dummy!

*****
I was looking out of the window and saw the Mother-In-Law coming down the street. I can honestly say that i have never in my life been so happy to see her.

I shouted to the wife, "Are you ready love, the hearse is here!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Apr 26, 11, 08:42 PM
Dear Deidre, My new girlfriend is 10 years younger than me, is that too much of an age gap?

Deidre Writes. No don't be silly, age is nothing but a number.

Dear Deidre,Thank you for your response, you have made me feel much better about my relationship.
...
Derek, 22 from Sunderland.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 27, 11, 05:58 PM
Kate Middleton says to The Queen "What's the secret of a long marriage?"

Queen says "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 29, 11, 07:01 PM
We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Apr 29, 11, 07:51 PM
We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.

I gather you don't approve, Fred?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Apr 29, 11, 09:08 PM
We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.
:hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 29, 11, 10:06 PM
I gather you don't approve, Fred?

Probably not - even after we patronised his tribe by letting them borrow a prince.  >:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Apr 29, 11, 10:30 PM
Probably not - even after we patronised his tribe by letting them borrow a prince.  >:D
Borrow? But I thought we'd dumped the prat on them. Don't tell me we have to have him back here at some stage?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 30, 11, 10:11 AM
Borrow? But I thought we'd dumped the prat on them. Don't tell me we have to have him back here at some stage?

Just say the word...


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Apr 30, 11, 10:50 AM

Just say the word...


The couple that just married should call their first son Edward... then we can rebuild a few castles on his behalf and keep grape-shot in the cannon to keep you sheep-shaggers far enough away that we can't smell you.  :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Apr 30, 11, 07:40 PM
The couple that just married should call their first son Edward... then we can rebuild a few castles on his behalf and keep grape-shot in the cannon to keep you sheep-shaggers far enough away that we can't smell you.  :neener:

(http://cymrogwyllt.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/largesmileyyaboo.gif) ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 01, 11, 08:12 PM
Leading Drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in experiments,

Muslims will be used instead, a top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on May 03, 11, 07:57 PM
Man gives blood to save his wife's life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says to wife, "I want my blood back you BITCH!"
Wife throws a tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you BASTARD."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on May 03, 11, 08:07 PM
Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she says, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries, 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 05, 11, 07:12 PM
DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk.

Scientists say this is most likely due to the bounty on his head.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 06, 11, 03:10 PM
What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden?

Last Sunday, they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the Navy!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 06, 11, 03:43 PM
 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on May 06, 11, 06:55 PM
Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's gonna be in it at some stage.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on May 08, 11, 06:27 PM

Got a pedometer app for my phone today. Anyone know how to work it? I wanna know if anyone near me is a pervert...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 08, 11, 06:50 PM
Got a pedometer app for my phone today. Anyone know how to work it? I wanna know if anyone near me is a pervert...


First off, you need some shielding between it and you to avoid embarrassing mis-triggers...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on May 08, 11, 06:52 PM
 :butt: :butt: :butt: :neener:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on May 08, 11, 07:04 PM
:butt: :butt: :butt:

Cute bum...    ;)
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on May 08, 11, 07:45 PM
Cute bum...    ;)

Ain't it just...  :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 09, 11, 06:50 AM
My wife called me from the bedroom, "Look what i found in the drawer, kinky-crotchless panties!" She said as she seductively modelled them.

I didn't have the heart to tell the fat bitch it was one of my string vests!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 11, 11, 08:33 AM
Fernando Torres turns up at Stamford Bridge with a back pack. The security guard asks what he has in his bag.

Torres says, "Porno DVDs, some counterfit match day tickets, some dodgy replica Chelsea shirts, drugs and a loaded gun".

The security guard relies, "Thank fuck for that! I thought you might have brought your boots!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on May 16, 11, 09:19 PM
Pinched from elsewhere...   :gig:


For Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F*** did your hair?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on May 17, 11, 07:01 AM
 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

We like that one
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fairyhedgehog on May 17, 11, 03:04 PM

He said: "Who the F*** did your hair?"

Nice one!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: mortalwombat on May 17, 11, 05:13 PM

Latest game for the playstation?




Grand Theft Data
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 17, 11, 07:22 PM
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!

Thomas Jefferson was next - he beat Osama with a long cane and snarled,It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept and said, This is not what an angel promised me.

The Angel replied, I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 17, 11, 08:16 PM
 :gig: :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 18, 11, 07:32 AM
I was worried about telling my new girlfriend that i suffer from premature ejaculation.

Fair play to her, she took it on the chin.

*****
West Ham United have just offered manager Avram Grant a new contract.

It's 300 minutes and 50 free texts.

*****

I had curried Pelican at our local Indian restaurant last night. the meal was wonderful, but the bill was huge!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 18, 11, 09:01 AM
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out
of her mourning stage.
 
Her daughter is constantly ringing her and urging   her to get back into the real world.
 
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but   didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum, I have someone I want you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They talked to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Lake District
.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he is in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting anything that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is
wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 21, 11, 05:19 AM
Fernando Torres has been removed from the "suspect footballer" list in the Imogen Thomas Super Injunction case, as everyone knows he just cant score!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 23, 11, 05:18 PM
Did ya hear Imogen Thomas has become a musician??..............She`s been doing Giggs all over Manchester
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on May 24, 11, 08:23 AM
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.  Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.  So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
 
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.  He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.  Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.  It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.  Have a nice day, now...."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on May 24, 11, 04:13 PM
Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally!!!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on May 24, 11, 05:35 PM
You owe me a keyboard  :hysterical: :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on May 27, 11, 08:51 PM
Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a Super Injunction.

Apparently, the woman he shagged doesn't want to be named!

*****
Whilst on holiday, i picked up a woman in the club by telling her that i was going to take her back to my place, shag hell out of her in the bedroom, shag hell out of her in the living room, shag hell out of her in the bathroom and shag hell out of her in the kitchen.

She was well up for it, saying, "Wow! you must have some serious stamina!"

She seemed a little disappointed when we arrived back at the caravan.

*****
Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you have the correct insurance for the sex you are having from the list below:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a fat chick - More Than

Sex on the back seat of the car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

Sex with a Transvestite - Confused.com

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 03, 11, 07:47 AM
My wife told me i should get a penis enlarger.

So i did. She is aged 21, has blonde hair, big boobs and her name is Lucy!

*****

People who say nothing lasts forever, should try masterbating over Susan Boyle

*****
My wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with the pop group "The Monkees".

At first i thought she was joking!

And then i saw her face ....

*****

My pet Budgie broke his leg, so i made him splints from two swan vesta match sticks. You should see his little face light up when he now walks.

*****

Q: Why did the illegal immigrant cross the road?

A: Because he stole the chickens job!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 05, 11, 05:37 AM
Some friends were out playing a round of golf.
The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.
 The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

 Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
 
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.
 
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"
 
 She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."
 The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jun 09, 11, 08:16 PM
Rumour has it that Rooney's transplant does not use his own hair  - instead, it's from Colleen's personal bit. Makes sense, I suppose - from one cunt to another.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jun 11, 11, 06:35 PM
Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 12, 11, 09:52 AM
As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I read the label on the shampoo bottle and I'm still in shock!

The shampoo I use while showering, that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body!" Seriously, why haven't I noticed this before?

Now I understand why I have gained so much weight!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish-washing soap. It says on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

I'll tell you one thing, it pays to read the warning labels.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 12, 11, 09:57 AM
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," replied the priest, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Jun 12, 11, 10:23 AM
As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I read the label on the shampoo bottle and I'm still in shock!

The shampoo I use while showering, that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body!" Seriously, why haven't I noticed this before?

Now I understand why I have gained so much weight!

I'll tell you one thing, it pays to read the warning labels.

Ah so that is where Richard & Obblie are going wrong  :hysterical: :hysterical: :bolt:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 12, 11, 10:23 PM
If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 12, 11, 10:24 PM
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesnt really care.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 15, 11, 08:24 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"Feck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from? You sound English"
"I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 
Spent 40 on ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.
 
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
 
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years
 
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 15, 11, 08:28 AM
Ryan Giggs has just become a national hero in Wales.

It is the first time a Welshman has been in a sex scandal that doesn't involve sheep!

*****

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The Librarian says, "No way! You lost the last two!"

*****

Last night as i came out of a nightclub, I was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Oral sex 20?"

I thought, why not and followed her into an alley next to the club.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two 10 notes and started pulling up her skirt!!!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Jun 15, 11, 08:32 AM

Last night as i came out of a nightclub, I was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Oral sex 20?"

I thought, why not and followed her into an alley next to the club.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two 10 notes and started pulling up her skirt!!!


Yes, it's just another Friday night in Bristol.  :yup:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jun 20, 11, 08:36 AM
I just tried to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was a nightmare on an automated phone system as I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..........

*****

My wife asked me to go to the doctors and get some medication for my erection problems.

She wasnt happy when i returned home and handed her a pack of slimming pills!

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 22, 11, 12:13 PM
Got a phone call from a mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free. I asked, ''Where did you get that?'' He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group up with the opera house in the background and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jun 22, 11, 12:14 PM
 big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ...

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah seor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry seor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Seor. Sometimes the bull wins. "


Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Jun 25, 11, 09:00 PM
 :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Babs on Jun 26, 11, 07:15 AM
:hat3:

 :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: crikey on Jul 01, 11, 08:56 PM
A woman is talking to her friend when she says, " It's really a shame, my boyfriend is losing his penis due to syphilis."
The friend looks at her and says, "Oh honey, you don't lose your penis because of syphilis!"
Woman looks back at her and replies, "You do when you've given it to ME..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Jul 07, 11, 07:37 PM
Hi, I'm unable to answer my mobile phone right now but if you leave a message the news of the world will email me later!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 08, 11, 05:17 PM
Some thieving git has stolen a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line.
She isn't bothered about the panties, but she wants the 12 pegs returned!

*****
My window cleaner knocked on my door and when i answered it, he went ballistic! he was shouting and frubbocking.

He had clearly lost his rag!

*****
My girlfriend bought a pair of "Meat Loaf" knickers.

On the front it says, "I will do anything for love".

And on the back it says, "but i wont do that!"

*****
Saw a sign today that made me piss myself,



"Toilets Closed"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jul 16, 11, 04:20 PM
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.   
   
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets   

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools   

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"   

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!   

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the  porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.         

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in  Pakistan , I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

=======================================================================================================================================

 
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they put him

in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!


 

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.

======================================================================================================================


I opened the post today and guess what they sent my Census Form back!!!

 

In answer to the question Do you have any dependents?

 

I wrote asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, most of Liverpool, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, the Tipton Taliban, money grubbing MPs, Lloyds Bank, RBS Bank, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS, Civil Service pensioners and half of Eastern Europe ... and apparently it wasnt the right answer.

============================================================================================================================================

Little Johnny was in a Birmingham classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher...
Little Abdul at the front of the class called out.........'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Arabic origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.'
'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Hassan also at the front yelled out..... "Martin  Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher.. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss, I am of Pakistani origin and we also
Do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Hassan.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

 "Enoch Powell!" yelled little Johnny, "See ya Tuesday!!!!"


========================================================================================================


Australian Police Entrance Test
     
An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:  "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:  "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.  "When can you start?"

 
============================================================================================================================


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small town.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
 
========================================================================================

The latest toy has hit the shops...

A  talking Muslim doll.
 
Nobody knows what the hell it says,
Because no one has the nerve  to pull the cord.

 
 

 

 


 
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Jul 16, 11, 06:21 PM
I thought i heard my neighbours shagging last night, there was moaning, groaning and banging going on for ages. It turned out to be the elderly mother staying with them had taken a fall and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick to get my attention.

I feel pretty guilty about having that wank now!!!

*****
My son fell asleep at a house  party we had, so i decided to shave one of his eyebrows off and draw a large cock on his forehead.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to breast feed him!

*****
A little girl ran crying to her father asking for a glass of cider.

"What do you want cider for?" he asked.

"I have cut my hand on a thorn" she replied.

"But why the glass of cider?" the father again asked.

"Well" replied the little girl, "I overheard mummy telling her friend that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she just has to have it in cider!"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Jul 23, 11, 07:43 AM
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Aug 08, 11, 07:49 PM
I have succeeded in getting older and wider.
What?
I gotta get these ears cleaned.
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 10, 11, 07:31 PM
Quote from Waterstone's employee on the news: "We'll stay open, if they steal some books they might learn something"
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 13, 11, 08:13 AM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many apples will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

A very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I've already got a fucking cat at home !!!  

*****

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly Sir" says Jervaise the waiter "Would you like to choose your
squid from the tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?"
 
"No"says the customer "It's got to be that one".

So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and the little squid looks up and smiles,twitching his bushy
moustache into a big friendly grin.

"It's no good" says Jervaise, "I just can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough man - he'll be able to do the evil deed".

So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. He picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and once again, the little friendly
squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill
him.

Which just goes to show ..............

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 13, 11, 08:50 AM
Quote
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid

I just couldn't control a little  :gig: at that...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Aug 13, 11, 10:24 AM
Quote from Waterstone's employee on the news: "We'll stay open, if they steal some books they might learn something"
http://newsthump.com/2011/08/11/government-blamed-after-bored-teenager-resorts-to-picking-up-a-book/

:D
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Langston on Aug 13, 11, 10:31 AM
http://newsthump.com/2011/06/01/government-urges-welfare-claimants-to-listen-to-judas-priest-albums-backwards/
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 22, 11, 01:25 PM
Donut went down to Netto and said "I want to complain, this vinegar has lumps in it!"

The cashier said "Those are pickled onions..."
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 22, 11, 04:24 PM
 :gig: :gig:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 22, 11, 04:26 PM
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I
have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will".

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset
and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 22, 11, 08:35 PM

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset
and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


You'll notice he failed to mention the frequent and open flirtation between Spock & Kirk... if you don't believe me, just watch a few old episodes...  :hat3:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 24, 11, 07:35 AM
I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first, as her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, I thought "That'll feckin teach you to lie about your weight!"
*****

At least the guy eaten by a shark in the Seychelles didnt suffer too much, he was only married for 10 days!
*****

So the new Big Brother show has a swimming pool and Jedward in it.

Where the fuck is M ichael Barrymore when you need him?

*****

Dear Santa,

Dont bother coming to my house this year as Iv'e got loads of good stuff already, such as a 42" Plasma TV, an X Box and an Ipad.

Lots of love,

Delroy aged 9
Tottenham.

*****
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Baron on Aug 24, 11, 08:04 AM
Some cartoons not found in the daily newspapers.....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Aug 24, 11, 10:08 AM
Did anybody else notice that the third one looks like a younger Obblie?  :hysterical:
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 24, 11, 12:13 PM

I was walking past the fridge and I thought I heard a spring onion singing a Bee Gees song.

When I opened the door to have a look it was just a chive talkin.

*****
Q: What do you get if you cross Micheal Schumacher with Stephen Hawkins?

A: Scalectrix.

*****
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

But not to worry, i only suffered super fish oil injuries

*****
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

Whats up Dave asked the LandlordIts not like you to be so down in the mouth

Its my four year old son the man replied.

Dont tell me, hes in trouble for fighting in school? my lads just the same forget about it, it happens to boys that age said the landlord, sympathetically.

I only wish it was that continued the customer, but its far worse than that. The little beggar has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.

Get away, thats impossible! gasped the landlord

Its not said the man the little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Aug 24, 11, 07:53 PM
Did anybody else notice that the third one looks like a younger Obblie?  :hysterical:

It still works now I'm older .....
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: fred on Aug 25, 11, 02:18 PM
Steve Jobs' isn't happy this morning, as his text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple."

Damn you autocorrect!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Aug 28, 11, 12:57 PM
A female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me though!"

The female dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and she says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the female dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 03, 11, 04:17 PM
I bought a racing snail from a French guy in the pub. It was very quick, but always seemed to come second. I decided to strip the shell from it, so that it would be lighter and faster. Unfortunately, it is now very sluggish!

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Razor on Sep 05, 11, 11:21 AM
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure
barely covered by a tiny mini  skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see
she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.  No sooner had I taken
a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and
sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my
hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,'  I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to
play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd
of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up
and go but she took my hand off  her thigh and put it up the front of her
top.  Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert,
perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I  replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS
good before!'


Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have.  In that game, we
were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.  The
Opposition  kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught
it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off
a  couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over
their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with  about
2 or 3 seconds 'till full time.  We were still behind by one point, but I
had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she
was wet !!!!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a
perfect cnut?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: richard on Sep 05, 11, 11:30 AM

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'


 :hysterical:  I feel his pain...
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Derek on Sep 05, 11, 05:31 PM
The Two Priests

Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!
Title: Re: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.
Post by: Obblie on Sep 05, 11, 06:46 PM
21 Oct 2006, 09:48 AM posted by Richard .......

DOCTOR!