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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 262815 times)

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richard

  • Guest
Two farmers are in a field.

First farmer points to a tree and says,
"See that tree? That's where I lost my virginity."

Second farmer says,
"Yeah? Was it good?"

First farmer says,
"Yeah, till her mom showed up."

Second farmer says,
"No way! What'd she say!"

First farmer says,
"Baaaaaaaaaaa."

richard

  • Guest
Q: Why is your poop tapered at the end?

A: So your asshole doesnt slam shut!

richard

  • Guest
A Polish guy walks into a store, and he asks the guy at the counter for a kielbasa (Polish sausage).

The clerk hands him the sausage, and replies, "You must be Polish!"

The Pole, outraged, yells, "Why would you assume that? So if I buy a burrito, I must be Mexican, if I buy a pizza, I must be Italian?!"

"No," the clerk answers calmly, "It's just that this is a hardware store.

richard

  • Guest
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b*stard.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

richard

  • Guest
A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're bard."

richard

  • Guest
A blonde is driving down this country road, and sees a car pulled over with a man outside kneeling down and crying. The blonde stops, gets out and asks "Sir, why are you crying?"

The guy points to the ground and says "I just killed this poor little rabbit with my car."

The blonde looks at the dead rabbit and says "Hold on a second", and walks to her car. She comes back a minute later with a spray can and sprays something on the dead rabbit.
 
All of a sudden, the rabbit jumps up, looks at the guy and the blonde, waves at them and starts hopping down the road. Every few feet the rabbit would stop, turn around and wave at them again, then continue hopping down the road.

The guy says "That was a miracle, what was that stuff you sprayed on the rabbit?"

The blonde replies, "It's my new hair spray, see? It says right here on the can, brings life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

richard

  • Guest
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... 'F**k him'!"

richard

  • Guest
Q: Why do scots where kilts?

A: Because goats can hear zippers.

richard

  • Guest
An alligator walks into a bar. Waitress walks over to him and says, "Can I help you?"

The alligator opens up and devours the waitress right there.

He then walks over to the bartender and says, Gimme a drink.

"Sorry, We don't serve drug abusers," the bartender says.

"What are you talking about?" the alligator says. "I'm not a drug abuser."

"What about that Bar-bitch-you-ate?"

richard

  • Guest
Q: Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?

A: She's a woman.

richard

  • Guest
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

richard

  • Guest
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

richard

  • Guest
Q. Why don't witches wear panties?

A. Better grip on the broom.

richard

  • Guest
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that
read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You
being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54
many more times than 54 goes into 18.

richard

  • Guest
Q. What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in hallways?

A. A nun with a javelin through her head.

richard

  • Guest
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour lock.

richard

  • Guest
During sex, there are four types of women's orgasms........

The Positve Orgasm: "Oh yes, oh yes!"

The Negative Orgasm: "Oh no, oh no,oh no"

The Religious Orgasm: "Oh my God!"

The Fake Orgasm: "Oh Razor!"

richard

  • Guest
So, this little kid's walking through the park, when suddenly he finds a clown taking a smoke break. "Clown, clown!" he shrieks jubilantly, "show me a trick! Show me a trick!"

The clown takes a long pull on his cigarette and says, "Kid, don't bother me right now, I'm just having a smoke."

"But I wanna see a tri-i-i-ick!" the kid whines.

"Look, kid," the clown rasps, "you're starting to piss me off. How's about you take off before I think of something funny to do with you?"

The kid takes a deep breath and yells, "Goddamn it, clown, as long as you're wearing that outfit in public, you have a civic responsibility to perform a trick upon request, day or night, regardless of claims to smoke breaks or lunch breaks! Failure to comply with this regulation may result in partial or total revocation of entertainer status, including but not limited to a £500 fine and two weeks in jail or 1000 hours of community service!!"

The clown stiffens up immediately and clips his cigarette. "Whoa, whoa, kid! No need to get all legal on my ass! ...Okay, I got a trick. Turn around..."

The kid cheers, "Okay!" and turns around immediately.

"Pull down yer pants..."

A little less certain, the kid says, "Okay," and complies.

"Bend over..."

The kid says, "Um, okay," and does so.

The clown says, "Okay, now... ya feel my thumb up yer ass?"

Queasily, the kid says, "Uh... yeah..."

The clown bellows, "TA-DA-A-A-A!!" (Visual part: thrust two 'thumbs up' straight ahead of you.)

richard

  • Guest
A young chinese couple are on their honeymoon having sex.

The wife says, I want 69.

The husband says, "you want beef and broccoli now?"

Offline Babs

  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 10787
  • Bogle Points: 5
Enough!!!
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

  • Guest
A man is fishing on lake with his preist when he hooks and lands a big fish, he gets a little excited and says would you look at the size of that fucker.

Instantly realizing his mistake he covers his tracks and says to the priest "oh sorry father its not what you think the fish is actually called a fucker, and you can have it if you want".

"Oh ok then" the priest says and takes it back to the church where he passes the bishop.

The bishop says ""thats a really nice fish you have there father"
"yes your eminence its a really big fucker"
 "Father thats not very appropriate language"
"Oh no your eminence thats actually the name of the fish"
 "Oh well then in that case the pope is coming for dinner tonite we can serve him the fish I'll help you clean it"

So the prest and the bishop are cleaning the fish in the church kitchen when one of the nuns walks past.

 "wow thats a mighty fine fish you have there Bishop"
 "Yes Sister its a real big fucker"
 "Ÿour eminence that language is filthy and not quite appropriate"
 "Oh no sister the fish is called a fucker"
 "Oh well in that case your eminence I'll cook it tonight for the pope's dinner".

So the pope arrives for dinner and is sitting down when the priest the bishop and the nun wheel the fish out for dinner.

"Wow would you look at the size of that fish. The priest says yeah I caught the fucker, the bishop says yeah and I cleaned the fucker and the nun says yeah and I cooked the fucker.

The pope stops what hes doing, puts his feet on the table drinks the rest of the bottle of wine in one go, starts rolling a joint and saÿs "you know what, you pricks are all right..."

Kat

  • Guest
Almost worth repeating the bacon bush jokette, innit?

richard

  • Guest
Almost worth repeating the bacon bush jokette, innit?

If you wish.

Always goes down great at a Bar-Mitzvah.  :gig:

richard

  • Guest
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."

Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and asks, "How do you give shoulders?"

richard

  • Guest
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."