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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 276905 times)

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Offline Baron

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Ummmm, where do you live, and what time are you cooking this bacon ?.......... ;D :hungry1:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Ummmm, where do you live, and what time are you cooking this bacon ?.......... ;D :hungry1:
any decent butcher will be only too pleased to cut it for you.  Not telling you where I live and if I told you when I was cooking it I would have to kill you.  :gig:
I've told you how I cook it so go for it.  Aim for thoroughly cooked but moist inside but with noticeable crisp,  even the odd black bit, on the outside.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Kat

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Or, if you're in a panic, fifteen seconds in the microwave.  ;D

Offline Baron

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Fred, at least if you killed me, I would die happy with bacon juice oozing from my cold and lifeless lips..... ;D

Mind you, there is a Farm Shop near to me, where I have bought in the past some lovely slices of reasonably thick bacon (not the paper thin slices in a supermarket), that appear not to be full of water and salt either.
Plus nice pork chops, sausages, and fresh chicken................but a little pricey, but well worth the money.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Or, if you're in a panic, fifteen seconds in the microwave.  ;D

Agreed, microwave ovens are very much in use in my house..... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Microwaves are the servant of the devil determined to ruin food.  The only exception I can think of is using a combi oven(convection +micro) to bake a spud with crisp skin in 15 min.
Yes, I have had a few spuds explode due to insufficient pricking.
quiet in the cheap seats
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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 ;D  Mine is mostly used for making some just about eatable scrambled eggs....2 eggs, some blue top milk, chunk of butter, and sometimes some cheddar cheese chucked into the mix, with a slice of ham, or burger, or a couple of sausages and slice of toast.
Only because it is reasonably easy and quick to do, when I can't be arsed to think of anything else for lunch.

Sausages need some generous pricking too..... :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Coz of our disabilities, neither of us can cook, safely.

The microwave's a godsend, for us.

Offline handy

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Justice has been served!
 There's been some scumbag called Callum known as Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me...
 Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose..
 It's never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone
If there was a tax on brains, i would get a rebate.

Offline Baron

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 ;D ;D, yep so sad about those washing machines mate....
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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 :n:

Offline Baron

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WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

 


A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG SOUTHEND BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP
PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB..
TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.

 


THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.

 


THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION ,
SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

 


AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS
HOUSE.

 


SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $50 NOTES.

 


THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

 


HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN
OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB
AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.

 


AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO
BLONDE GENIES.

 


ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER,
'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG
MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.......
I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.......

 


BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS TOTALLY BEYOND ME ?'

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline handy

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That did crease me up
If there was a tax on brains, i would get a rebate.

Offline Baron

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 ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.