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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 261672 times)

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richard

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No Comment needed.

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Offline fred

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    • cymrogwyllt
A painter named Wayne always thinned his paint to make it go further. Usually he got away with it. But once, while Wayne was high up on some scaffolding painting a church, a tremendous bolt of lighting struck the steeple and knocked Wayne to the ground. As he lay there stunned, the skies opened up, the rain poured down, and all his thinned paint washed off the church and into puddles on the ground around him. Certain this was a judgment from the Almighty Himself, he cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What can I do?" From the dark clouds, a mighty voice boomed, "Repaint! And thin no more!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline lucubration

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Good stuff here.  :hat3: :laugh2:
Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Offline Lyn

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  • Eee by GUM!
                       "its very heavy for its size Langston. I was surprised !" "I dont mind having a used one!"


"It took a while for me to get it up,but just as I was going to cancel it started."

richard

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"Oh, God! Forgive me!"


For a joke like that?  :gig:

Offline fred

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well, it as a bad jokes thread after all
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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well, it as a bad jokes thread after all


True. :)

Kat

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OK... So, there were these two men who were great, close friends. One day in the summer they're on a flight, and the plane crashes in the desert. The two men are the only survivors. So, they begin to make their way through the desert, hoping to find some form of civilisation.

Three days pass, and still they have not found salvation. The scorching sun is pounding down on them. They have not eaten or drank since the plane crash. They are just waiting to die.

Then, one of the men spots a tree. But, this is no ordinary tree. Instead of bearing leaves or fruit, growing on it are sausages, rashers, black and white pudding, pork, every kind of pig meat imaginable! "Oh my god, a pork tree, we're saved!" shouts the first man, and starts running towards the tree. But the second man grabs him, suspicious. He thinks that since a pork tree is such an odd idea, it could be a mirage. "Right" he says "To see whether or not it's a mirage, what I'm going to do, is run full pelt straight into it. If i hit into something, we'll know its real"
The first man agrees, and the second starts running as fast as he can to the tree. He is about ten feet away from the tree, when suddenly he hears gunshots everywhere. He jumps flat on the ground, terrified out of his wits, and shouts to the other man  "It's not a pork tree, its a hambush!"

McFluff

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 rofl rofl rofl

And goodnight.


Kat

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richard

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Mick Hucknall was arrested while trying to have sex with a rabbit,apparently he was "holding back the ears" but the "bunny was too tight to mention"

richard

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Apparently there are a large number of jazz musicians hanging around Leeds hospital a few weeks ago.

They heard that there might be some Hammond organs going for free...

Kat

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The thread title mentions "Bad jokes", not awful ones... ;D

richard

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A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

richard

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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and asks if his mother would "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."  So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

richard

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There is a man traveling alone in the desert, with only his Camel to keep him company.

After over a month of lonliness and boredom, the man gets a little horny.

 He gives the camel a look, and immediately the camel knows what he's thinking.

 The camel begins to run, and the man frantically chases after him for miles.

After 20 minutes of running through the desert, the man runs into a gorgeous naked woman in a large metal cage.

 "If you let me out of this cage, I will do anything for you.  I will make your wildest dreams come true, if that's what you want " says the woman.  So the man breaks open the cage.

The woman says, "Now what will be your pleasure?"

The man replies, "Will you hold down my camel?"

richard

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A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

 "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

richard

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A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns,bends over, and farts.......

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

richard

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An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."

richard

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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice
a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,..."

richard

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An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.
"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news is you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."

richard

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Baron was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds," he says.

"Twenty pounds, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED pounds" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED pounds" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED pounds if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and Ā£500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred pounds?"

richard

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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

richard

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On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

richard

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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says,
"Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time
and sees a tear rolling down his face,
so she whispers in his ear,
"It fucking hurts doesn't it!"