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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 261673 times)

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richard

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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

Offline Sparry

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Even I am pretty sure I posted this many aeons ago on this forum, but what the f***

Two sword swallowers, one named Fyfe and one named Saxhaven, decided to have a competition to see who could swallow the most tins.

Fyfe went first and took a bite, his front left tooth fell out instantely.

He quit in great pain.

Saxhaven went next and manage to eat 10 tins.

Hence the saying:-

One tooth free four Fyve, Saxhaven ate nine tins.
It's coz I am thick.

Offline Obblie

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Please, please, please

Do not give Richard any more U3A ragmags .......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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A fellow walked into an ice cream kiosk on a very hot summery day.
He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red budgies,
Sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgies.

A passerby glancing over his way had noticed the curious sight,
Was prompted to ask 'What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?'

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone,
'I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill the two birds with one cone.'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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A computer programmer decided to give up his job in a cubicle and move to the country. He was always fascinated by the ostrich-like rhea birds, and decided to raise them professionally. The programmer’s rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of... "dye a rhea."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

  • Guest

Do not give Richard any more U3A ragmags .......


 :'( :'( :'( :'(

michelle

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 jack n jill went up the hill
so jack could lick jills fanny
jack came down with a frown
coz jills a fuckin tranny

richard

  • Guest

 jills a fuckin tranny


If you want a giggle, ask Baron about one unforgettable night...  :gig:

richard

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Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support tights

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

In-line skates and a zimmer-frame

Offline Sparry

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bl**dy suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?"

Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."
It's coz I am thick.

Kat

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Three blokes were reminiscing.

The German said "I made love to my wife, last night. By the time I'd finished, she was floating six inches above the bed!"

The Frenchman said "I made love to my wife, last night. By the time I'd finished, she was floating six FEET above the bed!"

BruceKat said "I made love to my wife, last night. When I'd finished, I wiped my cock clean on the curtain. She hit the fucking roof!"
« Last Edit: Oct 26, 06, 09:02 AM by Richard »

Offline fred

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A man meets a woman at a bar and takes her home, after great sex she lies there stroking his penis,
He asks "Do you want more sex?"
"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your c**k, I really miss mine!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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A man meets a woman at a bar and takes her home, after great sex she lies there stroking his penis,
He asks "Do you want more sex?"
"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your c**k, I really miss mine!"

 :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Kat

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Offline Sparry

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A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

Absolutely Brill!  :hysterical: :hysterical:
It's coz I am thick.

Offline Obblie

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you have had a few haven't you ......  :hic: :hic:  :beer1: :beer1:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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you have had a few haven't you ......  :hic: :hic:  :beer1: :beer1:

You're only jealous 'cos you're playing catch-up...  :beer2:

Offline Obblie

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I'll never catch up though, Sparry can sink them twice as fast as I can ......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of syrup. Pour it over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

richard

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Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

richard

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Mrs. Goldberg goes to buy a chicken, and after rejecting several, she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First she lifts a wing and smells underneath; then she lifts the other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's legs, and smells again.

"Listen," she says to the butcher, "this chicken is no good. I want to see another one."

The butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "could you pass a test like that?"

richard

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An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street.
He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

richard

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Q. What do a marriage and a tornado have in common?

A. They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing and when they're done, you've lost your house.

richard

  • Guest
While in a hotel room, a man tells a hooker, "I've never eaten a woman out before..."

The hooker says, "No problem...go ahead!"

The man eats her out for awhile then pulls his haed back, and pulls a piece of carrot out of his mouth. He doesn't want to embarass himself, so he says nothing and keeps on eating.

A little while later he pulls back again, only to spit out a pea.
Once again...He says nothing.

The third time, he stops eating her out and pulls his head back and spits a small piece of potato into his hand.
He has to ask her, " Are you sick or something?"

The hooker replies, "No...but the last guy was..."