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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 274990 times)

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Offline Langston

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Want a picture of Jordan with nothing left out?

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/Ya...m=1076 060967
Your link takes me to the frontpage of the C4P shop.... Bwoken?

Offline fred

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bwoken
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Carol,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

Carol replied ...'It's not talcum powder.....It's 'Miracle Grow'

Offline Langston

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richard

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Offline fred

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Mark comes home from work and his girlfriend is waiting by the door...

"I'm leaving you! I've just found out your a paedophile!!" she says!!

"ooooh, paedophile..." he replies...

"thats a big word for an 11 year old!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "yes, sir."

So I said, "could I have one in exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday..?"

Offline fred

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When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

-Ever wondered why?


















.....Because she smells like a new car.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

-Ever wondered why?



.....Because she smells like a new car.

That is probably true...    :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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My Grandad has got Parkinson's.

















He can't stop interviewing people...

Offline crikey

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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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Dear, oh dear, oh dear...

richard

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A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife.

Overcome by anger, he stabs him to death.

The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no friends left!"

Offline fred

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One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want. After all, you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right. Well, sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish," God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific, Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check". "Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"I dunno....I just fancied a multi-storey Carp Ark"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a pork pie.

The Bartender serves him. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie and starts crumbling it on the top of his head.

The man asks for another pint and pork pie.

The Bartender serves him again. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie and crumbles it on his head.

The Bartender bar looks a little confused as to why he is crumbling the pies on his head.

By this time a second man walks into the pub and says

'Hi mate, can I have a pint and a pork pie please?'

Bartender thinks for a minute and replies, 'Sorry, we don't have any pork pies left, will a packet of crisps be OK?'

The man says 'yeah, a packet of crisps will be fine.'

The second man drinks his pint, then takes the crisps out of the packet and starts crumbling them on his head.

The Bartender asks the man 'Excuse me, why are you crumbling those crisps on your head?'

The man replies 'Because there are no pork pies left!'

Offline Obblie

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HRRRRRMMMPHH!

They ARE meant to be jokes, even in the loosest sense of the word  ::)
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Langston

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The man replies 'Because there are no pork pies left!'

Now that is funny, Mr Bukowski.

;)

Offline crikey

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Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
Still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
Was a very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
Upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
Exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go
Upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
Pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
And he'll take good care of you.'

So, uppa she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'


Babs laughed.

And Yvonne will blush!  :hysterical:

Offline fred

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Thanks to the credit crunch, I've started doing my shopping at Aldi.

I tell you something - if you ever start going there, make sure you get the Korean meatballs.

They're the dogs bollocks...
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Q:   What do toads rub one out to?



A:   Frogs' porn

Offline Babs

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Q:   What do toads rub one out to?



A:   Frogs' porn

:groan
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else...  ::)

Offline Razor

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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

He was a bad minton.

*****

I arrived home yesterday and found the cat dead in the washing machine, it must have climbed in there after i added the clothes. Still ..... at least the cat died in comfort!

*****

I was watching the Olympics and thought to myself, Is there anything that these Chinese arnt good at???

Then i remembered, cockle picking on Morecombe Bay.