Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Dec 06, 19, 07:12 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Google Search

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 104649
  • Total Topics: 11602
  • Online Today: 135
  • Online Ever: 181
  • (Nov 04, 19, 10:11 PM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 77
Total: 77

Themes





Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 285279 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

richard

  • Guest
Q. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A. A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

richard

  • Guest
One day a mother and daughter were walking down the street and they saw two dogs humping on the sidewalk.

The daughter asked "Mommy, what are those dogs doing?" The mother replies "making cupcakes, honey."

Later that day they went to the zoo and saw two rhinos humping and the daughter again asked "Mommy, what are they doing?" and the mother replied "Making cupcakes, honey."
 
Then the little girl said "You and Daddy must have made cupcakes last night because I licked up a lot of icing off your bed this morning."

richard

  • Guest
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
 
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't going so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.

 There were some laughs and some more beers.

 They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

richard

  • Guest
A young woman is shopping in the supermarket and has the following in her basket: 

1 onion 
1 carot 
1 potato 
1 samosa 
1 lettuce 
1 tomato 
1 stick of celery 
1 chicken breast 
1 chocolate bar 
1 bottle of milk 
1 can of coke 
1 packet of tissues 
1 small microwave meal 

She then joins the queue for the checkout. Behind her, a guy joins the queue and in his basket he has 12 cans of lager, a large pizza and two toilet rolls. A conversations strikes up between them.

The guy asks "Single, eh"?

The lady blushes and replies "How did you know?"
 
The guy responds, "Because you're fucking ugly."

richard

  • Guest
A boy asks his father, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

His father replied, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

richard

  • Guest
A doctor enters the hospital cafeteria with three spots of blood on his shirt. The other doctors ask him what he's done. "Well." he said, "A guy in a car crash lost his arm, so I sewed it on again and he is back using his typewriter already."
Another doctor enters the room, with only one spot of blood on his shirt. They ask him the same question and the doctor says, "A man got hit by a train and lost both his legs, so I sewed them on again and now he's out running a marathon."
A third doctor enters fully covered with shit. "What the fuck did you do?!" they asked. "Well." he said. "Nothing special. I had to pull a tooth, but the fucker wouldn't open his mouth."

richard

  • Guest
There was a man that went into a bar one night. He sat at the bar and a little man in a green suit and green pants sat beside him. The man thought that he was seeing things because he was drunk, so he decided to go to the bathroom. The man stood at the urinal, and sure enough the little man came into the bathroom to the urinal. The man finally got up the courage and said, "Hey, you're one of those leprechauns...Aren't you?" The little man thought about it for a minute, then finally answered, "Yes I am." Then the taller man said, "That means I get three wishes then, right?" Sure enough the little man said, "You do, but first I get to butt fuck you." The taller man thought about it for a while, then decided and said, "OK". So the little man bent the taller man over the urinal and butt fucked him till he was finished. Then the little man said, "You look like you're about 35 or so, have a wife, and maybe a couple of kids." The taller man said, "Ya, I'm 37, have a wife, and I have one child, a son." Then the little man started chuckling and said, "...And you still believe in leprechauns?"

richard

  • Guest
Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting.

One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

richard

  • Guest
A week after their wedding, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really  was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.


"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

”Grape."

richard

  • Guest
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, leanforward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of
supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

  • Guest
A proctologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could.

When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust..."

richard

  • Guest
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

richard

  • Guest
(I almost saved this for somebody's birthday soon...)


A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand  on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
~
~
~
~
~
(Ready for this?)
~
~
~
~
(I'm warning you.....)
~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
"You're simply going through the change!”

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14484
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
I see that you haven't put your time AWOL to good use then ........
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

  • Guest
I see that you haven't put your time AWOL to good use then ........

 :hithead:

richard

  • Guest
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "can you put me up for the night?"

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14484
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
 :groan

QED
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

  • Guest
Three Japanese ladies, sitting in a hot tub, discussing what they find most attractive about a man. First lady says "You know what I like? A man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest..!"

The other two agree -- a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest, is very nice indeed.

The second lady speaks up, and says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest? A man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest..!"

The ladies agree -- two dragons, that was even better.

The third lady says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest? A man with one dragon on the floor!"

richard

  • Guest
Knock Knock

Who's There?

Go fuck yourself!

richard

  • Guest
A group of citizens are gathered around a young woman on the outskirts of a town in Galilea, shouting "Stone the whore."

Jesus walks up to them and says, "Stop! Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

A little old lady picks up a stone which she can barely carry, staggers toward the young woman, and drops it on her.

Christ says, "You know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off!"

richard

  • Guest
Why wasn't Jesus born in Sunderland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin...

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14484
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
That one I like ......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

  • Guest
An old woman is walking along the pier and finds a parrot in a cage.

The parrot squacks "How's yer asshole, lady?"

She is shocked, and says "Shut up!"

To which he replies, "Mine too, must be the salt air."

richard

  • Guest
Little Red Riding Hood is going for a walk. Her Grandmother tells her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal."

"Yeah, yeah," says Red, and leaves.

As she's headed towards the forest, she meets the Three Little Pigs. The Pigs tell her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal."

Red pulls out a large handgun and says, "Don't worry, I'm prepared" and continues on her merry way.

A ways into the forest, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out in front of her and says, "Red, you shouldn't be in here. You know what I'm going to do to you."

Little Red Riding Hood proceeds to pull up her little red dress, pull down her little red panties, lay on her back, spread her legs, and point the gun at the Big Bad Wolf.

"Now fucking eat me like the story says!"