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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 285276 times)

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richard

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A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma.

When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she wont be able to pick up a racket any more"

She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?"

The doctor replies, " 6 months".

"So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

richard

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Two homosexual muslims were having sex, when one exploded.

He was a suicide bummer.

richard

  • Guest
George Bush has just announced on that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the work of a suicide plumber from Iraq.

richard

  • Guest
This blind bloke took the cheese grater back to the library to complain.

Reckoned it was the most violent book he's ever read...  :pa

richard

  • Guest
One for the Essex crowd now...

If the answer is Dick Tracy, what is the question?


















"Whats that in my arse, Wayne?"

richard

  • Guest
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.

As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

richard

  • Guest
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"

Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

richard

  • Guest
An 11 year old boy arrives home from school.

Mum asks "How was school today dear?"

"Not bad, I had sex with my teacher."

"Get to your room and wait until your Dad gets home from work!"

Dad arrives home and is told the story, so goes up to the bedroom.

"Look son, your mother has told me all about what has happened. It's different for women, they don't understand these things. I'm quite proud of you- having sex with your teacher at 11 is quite an achievement, so we'll go out later and buy that bicycle you have been asking for. That should cheer you up."

"Can we wait until tomorrow dad, my arse is still sore from this afternoon."

Offline crikey

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A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.

A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks - he doesn't call, he doesn't write ..."

and..........

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick his fecking arse!"

and, lastly........

Following the breakdown of his marriage to Heather, Paul was asked if he would go down on one knee again.

He replied " I do wish you wouldn't call her that..."

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline lucubration

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Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

richard

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Beers All Around

A man walks into a bar with a flamingo under one arm and a cat under the other.  He goes up to the bar and orders a beer then he asks the flamingo what it wants, the flamingo says "a beer."

Then he asks the cat what it wants and the cat says "a beer, but I'm not paying for it". 

They all go off and drink their drinks, 10 minutes later they are all back at the bar, the same happens again. The man orders a beer, the flamingo orders a beer and the cat orders a beer but again says "I'm not paying for it".

Anyway this happens a few more times the same way.

By now the bartender's getting curious so he asks the man what's going on. 

The man replies "Well I found this old lamp so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared, it granted one wish so I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy.”

richard

  • Guest
THE TRUCK

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.

The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

richard

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Job vacancy: Prostitutes required, Ipswich Area. Good rates of pay but the shifts are murder.

richard

  • Guest
A 6th body has been found in Ipswich, face down in a field.

She had Frosties up her fanny and a spoon hanging out of her arse...

Fucking cereal killers!

Offline Razor

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  • Like my arse?
Ipswich Town Rugby Club have cancelled all their matches, they don't have any hookers.

*****

A dyslexic Santa Claus has been burying prossies under the trees!

*****

Peter Sutcliffe killed 13 girls in 6 years.

This new bloke has killed 5 girls in 2 weeks!

Just goes to prove that you cant get quicker than an Ipswich ripper

*****

Bought the wife a black basque, stockings, stilettos and a one way train ticket to Ipswich

Online fred

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yoda knows what hes getting for christmas...



































cos he felt his presents
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

  • Guest
What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and James Brown?


Alex Ferguson will be playing Giggs this year...

richard

  • Guest
Two Oranges walk into a pub, one says to the other "Your round".

The other orange replies..."so are you, you fat c*nt"

richard

  • Guest
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?













A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.

richard

  • Guest
Q: Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl?













A: you can drop her off anywhere.

Online fred

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Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the f*cking bed."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Online fred

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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how'd they get in there?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline croissant.neuf

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Ooh... the benefits of dating a disabled girl.

I dated this girl in a wheelchair once. Got her pissed and took her home. Talked about a shag and she agreed but I was a bit flummoxed about how this was possible. There was a park near her house so I had the brilliant idea of hooking the collar of her coat over the railings... it worked a treat. Then I took her home. Knocked on the door and her Dad answered. Started omplimenting me on being a real gentleman for bringing her home. Of course, that made me feel guilty so I confessed to having shagged her on the railings. "That's what I mean," he said "a real gentleman. Nost of the other bastards leave her hanging there."
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

Offline fido

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A bloke phoned work one day and said"I won't be in today, I'm sick".
when asked "how sick are you"?

















"I'm in bed with my sister"!
The wife has me in the doghouse so often, I've decided to decorate it.

Offline Obblie

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Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes