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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279371 times)

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Offline Obblie

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A man walks into the bar and the bartender notices that the man has an incredibly small head.  After getting the man a beer, the bartender asks, "What happened to you head?"  The man states, "Well, I was stranded on this beach and up on the shore washes a bottle.  I took the bottle and began to wipe it off, when out pops a beautiful girl genie, the sexiest woman I have ever seen in my life.  She looks at me and tells me that as a reward for releasing her, I can have one wish.  I thought about it and told her that I wished she and I could spend the rest of our lives making mad passionate love to each other.  She then tells me that this is one wish that she cannot fulfill, and to make another one..."

"So, what happened?"  asked the bartender

"Without thinking, " replied the man, "I blurted out 'so I suppose a little head would be out of the question?' "
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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A little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Mom replies, "I have to do that honey, otherwise daddy's belly will get fat.  Bouncing keeps him skinny."

The youngster says, "That's not going to work."

"Why not?" asked the mother

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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It's the annual visit of the bishop to the parish and Bert and Gladys are all dolled up sitting in the front pew listening to his lordship's sermon.


Gladys leans over to Bert and whispers "I think I just let off a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"


"Buy a new battery for your hearing aid!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

 **********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period.

Because Ma was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Ma was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop".
Ma blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read "Benson & Hedges".
Ma now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Ma waited for
a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

Ma took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The
ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Ma fainted.


"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'S**t, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't frubbock like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "S**t, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop frubbocking this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "S**t, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest right in the arse and sending him flying.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "S**t, missed!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son.  They decided one last time for the son they always wanted.  The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.  He told his wife:"There is no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!!  Have you been fooling around behind my back?!"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time, dear...."
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time, dear...."


Sounds too much like the voice of experience to be phunny... :hide:

richard

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Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the Muslim faith to prove she's not racist.

From now she wants to be known as Yaffat Fooker.

Offline clangnuts

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

" Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a

f***ing  arsehole...!!!"

Offline clangnuts

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 This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box ...........

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

......

"I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes"

Offline clangnuts

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An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he
is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and
my parents still live there!"

 

 

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

 

 

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

richard

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You hear about a new section in playboy magazine for Necrophilliacs...

First double spread is Anna Nicole Smith! :)

richard

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First the prostitutes and now the fuckin' turkeys...

Not much chance of getting a gobble in Suffolk now then. ::)

richard

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Q:  Why are American pilots like gay pornstars?

A:  Both shoot up their friends asses on camera.

:hide:

richard

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Man walks into a little chemists shop and says "Excuse me do you stock bedpans?"

"No I`m sorry, have you tried boots?"

"Yeah, but on only the second or third piss it dribbles through the laceholes"

richard

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Confucious he say "Man who fall asleep with itchy arse, wake up with smelly finger."

richard

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A young blind girl goes up to her mother and says "mummy, will I ever be able to see anything?"

The mother pauses for a moment and says "tell you what, because your birthday is coming up tomorrow I will go down the chemists and see what he has in stock."

The next day the girl is really excited and when her mum comes home says "have you got the stuff?"

Yes" said the mother "but it will hurt when I put it on".

The mother rubbed the cream into her daughters eyes and her daughter said "Mummy ow it really hurts it stings badly" and the mother said "yes but be strong."

After a week of this the mother said, "now wear a bandage for a day over your eyes and you should be able to see."

The next day the daughter goes up to her mum and says "can I take the bandage off yet?"

The mother says "yes" and then the girl goes, "but mummy, I still can't see!"

The mother then whispers...


"I know, April Fool!"

richard

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So there were these four brothers riding a camel.

One was on the neck, the other on the front part of the hump the next behind the hump and the last hanging off the rump of the camel.

The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animal was crying and he said to this brother behind him, brother the camel is crying, the brother in front of the hump told the brother behind the hump, the camel is crying, the brother behind the hump told the brother hanging off the rump, the camel is crying and he said, “Well I don't give a Damn, because if I pull my penis out I will fall off.”

richard

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Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?


A: If they dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with mud.

richard

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Q: How do you know the barmaid is mad at you?


A: You find a string in your bloody Mary.

richard

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Q: Why don't women have any brains?


A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

richard

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Q. What do you call a smart blonde?




A. A golden retriever.

richard

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A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.

"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"

The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of those babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk..."

richard

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A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the voice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"BOLLOCKS!" shouts the voice...