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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279419 times)

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richard

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

" A jazz chord to say a ruv you..."

richard

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A man drives up to a child, and says "Come on, get into the car"

The child replies, "n-no.."

He asks again: "If you get into the car, I'll give you a sweetie"

Once again, the child reples, "n-n-no..."

"If you get into the car, I'll give you the entire packet!"

The kid pipes up, "For fuck's sake, dad! I'm not getting into the fucking Lada!"

richard

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Salesman goes and knocks on a front door and little Johnny it.

 'Scuse me son' asks the salesman, 'is your mum in?.

'Sorry mister' says little Johnny, 'She's in the garden fucking a goat.

 'Fucking a goat?!, Christ, I don't believe it' says the salesman.

Little Johnny tells him to go and see for himself, so walking through the house and looking out the window, he sure enough sees little Johnny's mum in the garden fucking a goat!

"Jeezus son, doesn't she worry about getting pregnant?' asks the salesman.

'Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa' bleats little Johnny.

richard

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A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground"

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up bitch."

richard

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A girl woke in bed with a start,
For her lover had just ripped a fart,
But she got her revenge
As she straddled his chin
and pissed with her lips pulled apart.

richard

  • Guest
Ken, a Japanase businessman takes a trip to New York for 2 weeks. He takes 200 yen with him. Unable to change it before he goes, he visits a bureau de change in the US.

"I wan change 100 yen to dolla please clerk san" asks Ken to the clerk.

"There you go, thats $80 back"

Ken bows and walks out, he survives a week in New York on the $80 he had, but still had 100 yen for the last week.

He returns to the bureau de change and asks to change the last 100 yen.

"There you go, thats $70 for you sir" says the clerk.

"What? Las' week I get 80 dolla for 100 yen, this week I get 70 dolla, why the hell that?!" fumes Ken.

"Fluctuations" replies the Clerk.

"Ya, well fluk you Americans too!"
« Last Edit: Feb 21, 07, 09:29 PM by Richard »

Offline Derek

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Keep taking the medication Richard, these are really dredging the bottom of the   :barrel:  :hysterical: :hysterical:

Mind you I like the BA one

Offline Obblie

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A girl woke in bed with a start,
For her lover had just ripped a fart,
But she got her revenge
As she straddled his chin
and pissed with her lips pulled apart.

That turns some blokes on, so I'm told ....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fido

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Some good ones there!

 :barrel:
The wife has me in the doghouse so often, I've decided to decorate it.

Offline Babs

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Some good ones there!

 :barrel:


and probably some he deserves a beating for...    :t:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Derek

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and probably some he deserves a beating for...    :t:

only some   I would have though almost all

It must have been a boring day yesterday if he had time to find all those old jokes  perhaps you should send him in the :cvan:to visit the IOW  :neener:

Offline Babs

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perhaps you should send him in the :cvan:to visit the IOW  :neener:

I might join him in that trip.    :yup:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Kat

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That's not a comment on the joke. I just hadn't used that image for some time. ;)

Offline Razor

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I took my pet dog to the vets yesterday, every time the door bell goes he runs straight into a corner. The vet said it was ok, he's a boxer?

*****

Man goes to fancy dress party; he wears nothing but a jam jar on his willy.

Lady asks "What are you?"

He says "Im a Fireman....., you break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can"

*****

Jade Goody from Big Brother has apparently changed her name and adopted the Muslim faith to prove she isnt racist.
She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka

*****

Irishman walks into pet shop
Irishman: "You have any goldfish?"
Man behind counter: "You want an aquarium?"
Irishman: "I dont care what star sign it is!"

richard

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She wants to be known as Yaffat Fukka


She already was - only the spelling has changed. :)

Kat

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Scotsman goes to the same fancy dress party. Just a welly on his dick.

"What have you come as?" asked the host.

"och, nuthin'. I'm just fucking aboot..."

Offline Baron

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 A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying

fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Kat

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Offline Baron

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Blind Bunny and Blind Snake

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and orphaned snake.  Coincidentally, both were born blind.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.  "Oh my!" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's okay," replied the snake.  "I too have been blind since birth and never knew my mother.  Maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."

"That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.  I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny then suggested to the snake "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

Mmmm I'd say you must be someone in senior management."

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Eskimo on holiday in Scotland. Car breaks down. Scot looks under the bonnet n says " You've blown a seal!"
Eskimo says " So what! You scr#w sheep!"
« Last Edit: Mar 06, 07, 08:21 PM by Cymrogwyllt »
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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what do you call a woman with 1 leg......eilene



what do you call a woman with no legs..........





nolene
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Q:  What do you call a welshman that makes tasteless jokes about Big Ray's wife?

A: Dead meat.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
« Last Edit: Mar 14, 07, 05:54 AM by Richard »

Offline Baron

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Two fleas were sitting on a womans fanny.
One was a mugger and the other a junkie.
How can you tell them apart ?
One was hiding in the bush, and the other was sniffing the crack............
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Ray

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I remember back in the 60's someone came to the front door and asked my mother if she would have a Biafran baby for Christmas. She was devastated as she had already bought a turkey.................. :(
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.