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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273199 times)

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richard

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Offline Obblie

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Prompted by a Keynsham story .....

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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I've not heard that one since I posted it on October 21st...  :hysterical:

Offline Obblie

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I thought that was the ugly bastard version .....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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I thought that was the ugly bastard version .....

Everything I say is the 'ugly bastard' version...

Offline Obblie

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 :n:

The BJ bit makes it a different joke  :neener:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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The BJ bit makes it a different joke 


Are you attempting to bribe me?

Offline Obblie

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"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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New Pakistani Sport

News coming out of the West Indies is that the Pakistani players have decided to give up playing cricket and have turned their hands to Bob slaying

richard

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Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

richard

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A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

richard

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Guy is out hunting wild pigs in Devon.

He rounds a bend and THWACK he hits a pig standing in the middle of the road
He pulls over....the pig is caught between his grill and the bull bar and is obviously in a lot of pain

Not sure what the rules are he calls the RAC breakdown service
He explains his dilema to the girl on the phone.

She says "Love; if it's in that much pain you better shoot it."
the guy says hang on
...there's silence...then a gun shot

He gets back on the phone

What should I do with his bike, the siren's given me a headache?

richard

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So, this little kid's walking through the park, when suddenly he finds a clown taking a smoke break. "Clown, clown!" he shrieks jubilantly, "show me a trick! Show me a trick!"

The clown takes a long pull on his cigarette and says, "Kid, don't bother me right now, I'm just having a smoke."

"But I wanna see a tri-i-i-ick!" the kid whines.

"Look, kid," the clown rasps, "you're starting to piss me off. How's about you take off before I think of something funny to do with you?"

The kid takes a deep breath and yells, "Goddamn it, clown, as long as you're wearing that outfit in public, you have a civic responsibility to perform a trick upon request, day or night, regardless of claims to smoke breaks or lunch breaks! Failure to comply with this regulation may result in partial or total revocation of entertainer status, including but not limited to a $500 fine and two weeks in jail or 1000 hours of civil service!!"

The clown stiffens up immediately and snuffs out his cigarette. "Whoa, whoa, kid! No need to get litigant on my ass! ...Okay, I got a trick. Turn around..."

The kid cheers, "Okay!" and turns around immediately.

"Pull down yer pants..."

A little less certain, the kid says, "Okay," and complies.

"Bend over..."

The kid says, "Um, okay," and does so.

The clown says, "Okay, now... ya feel my thumb up yer ass?"

Queasily, the kid says, "Uh... yeah..."

The clown bellows, "TA-DA-A-A-A!!"

richard

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A young chinese couple are on their honeymoon having sex.

The wife says, I want 69.

The husband says, "you want beef and broccoli now?"

Offline Obblie

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What is the difference between pussie and apple pie?



You can eat your mums apple pie  :hat3:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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That's how you confuse a redneck - he can eat either!

richard

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Party tonight at Virginia Tech.

Free shots for all students.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one Cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands
warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between My legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied," Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body Will
warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, And he
said, "My penis is frozen solid.".................

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her Mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?"
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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This did not happen to me on my last visit to the doctor. BARON??

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

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So it was you listening in on the other side of the wall ?  :pa
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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One day a boxer and his stunning girlfriend walk into a bar. The boxer heads off to the toilet, handing a 20 note to his missus and asks her to get him a pint, and whatever she wants

Whilst she's at the bar, a scrawny little man approaches her, and the conversation goes something along the lines of:

Scrawny little man: You're absolutely stunning, I'd really like to take you out for dinner
Stunning girlfriend: Sorry, I'm already taken
Scrawny little man: Hang on a sec, I've not finished - after dinner, I'd like to take you home, cover you in chocloate sauce and lick it off.
Stunning girlfriend: Seriously, I've got a boyfriend, and I'm not interested
Scrawny little man: Wait wait, I've not finished - then I want to fill your pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer returns from the toilet...

Stunning girlfriend: This scrawny little twat wants to take me out for dinner
Boxer: Sorry mate, she's spoken for (looking a little annoyed, that his missus is being cracked onto)
Stunning girlfriend: Wait, then he wants cover me in chocolate sauce and lick it off
Boxer: Right, that does it, you're in for a pasting (as he rolls up his sleaves and the little vein in his temple starts to pulse)
Stunning girlfriend: Wait, I'm not finished yet, then he wants to fill my pussy with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer unrolls his sleeves and turns to walk away

Stunning girlfriend: What are you doing, I thought you were going to kill this pathetic little runt!
Boxer: Look love, anyone who can drink that much beer I'm not messing with...

richard

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Q: What's black & thoroughly pissed off?


A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning

Offline crikey

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A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,

"Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says,

"Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies.

"It must be your feet, then."

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.