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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 272908 times)

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Offline Dr Fuss Bogle

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The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A Sparry can almost be forgiven (but not quite), but a Sparry in the same thread deserves a bonus.

 :dfb6:
I'm coming to get you...


Offline crikey

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"21 today, 21 today, I'm climbing up the charts,

A special mug will soon be mine!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer.

He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gentleman decides to chance his luck.

He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the man, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay motionless.

The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"

richard

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A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males.
She approaches the first man, and says "Excuse me sir, I'm conducting a survey, and would like to know: what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD".

She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer.

She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers "A bar of soap".

Bemused by this, she asks why.

"I'm bathing the kids"

richard

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks...   >:D

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

richard

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Q: What's black and loud?

A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Offline Razor

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This anti-smoking law is a total waste of time. One bloke has just been caught smoking at Glasgow Airport.

richard

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This anti-smoking law is a total waste of time. One bloke has just been caught smoking at Glasgow Airport.

But did he get away with it?

Thought not.  :hysterical:

Offline Razor

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I was driving down the road and an idiot driving a brand new Skoda pulled out from a side street and hit me square in the passenger side of my car!

No damage to my car, but his new Skoda is in a heck of a mess. There is jam and sponge everywhere!

Offline Razor

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Cries of super, smashing, great!  can be heard all over south Yorkshire as people from Sheffield and Rotherham can finally use that speedboat they won on Bullseye 20 years ago!

Offline fred

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Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.

The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."

Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Whats the difference between a Glasgow airport bomber and a computer?

You don't piss yourself laughing when your computer crashs, fucks up and catches fire...

Offline crikey

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A man walked into a pharmacy and up to the young lady pharmacist.

"Do you sell Viagra?", he enquires.

"Yes, we do." replies the pharmacist.

"Does it really work?", asks the man.

"Yes.", she answered.

"And can I get it over the counter?" he continues.

"Probably, if you took two of them!" replied the pharmacist.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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Officers have released a name following the attacks on Glasgow Airport at the weekend.

The main suspect's name was Singed Maheed.

richard

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Nurses reported the Cherokee Jeeps driver is now talking in his hospital bed saying things like "wee sleekit cowering timourous beastie" and "a mans a man for aw that".

Apparently this is normal behaviour for patients in the Serious Burns Unit.

Offline Razor

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Nurses reported the Cherokee Jeeps driver is now talking in his hospital bed saying things like "wee sleekit cowering timourous beastie" and "a mans a man for aw that".

Apparently this is normal behaviour for patients in the Serious Burns Unit.

Dear o` dear! Obviously the good Doctor does not visit here!  :lh:

richard

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Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe, 300 dead.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?

richard

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Why did the condom fly off my dick and smack your mother right in the face?


'Cos it was pissed off...

Offline Langston

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A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

richard

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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,

‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’

To which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, fuck him?’

richard

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Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?



A: Kick his sister's chin...  :pa

richard

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A spokesman for the NHS has admitted today that they made a massive error in their campaign to recruit Asian doctors.

The advertising slogan read "Become a doctor in the UK.....make a bomb"

Offline crikey

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And the BMA have struck off the doctors involved in the Glasgow attack for working on Saturdays.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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A little boy asks his mum "why am I black and you are white?"

"Don't even ask" she replies, "When I think back to that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!"