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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279292 times)

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Offline Razor

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Scottish Poem
« Reply #225 on: Jul 13, 07, 05:20 PM »
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say

A fanatic Muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed

But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH was his clear desire

Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported Foreign radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear

Aw us good Glaswegians
Will have nae bluddy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae Fook!

richard

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

richard

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This bloke returns home from the pub one night and tells his wife that they have started selling flavoured condoms.

Hhis wife asks "what flavours?", and the bloke says "fish and chip flavour,chicken tikka flavour, in fact any flavour you want", so the wife says " tomorrow night when you come home pissed, turn the light out ,slip on one and i'll give you a gobble"

The following night the bloke comes home pissed as a newt, goes upstairs, turns off the light...and his wife grabs hold of his dick and sucks it and says "Mmmm.. cheese and onion flavour!", and the bloke says " I haven't got one on yet!!!"  :yuck:

richard

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A guy walks into a chemist, approaches the counter and calls over the assistant.

"look mate, I'm not sure how to say this but i need some decent viagra"
"right ok, but you look young enough not to have a problem mate"
"well I got these two birds coming over see and they're right bi-sexual nymphos and I cant be seen to let the side down, you know what I mean."
"hmmmmm, well I dunno buddy, its prescription see"
"ah come on, I'll pay you £100"
"hmm ok, this one time only"
" try this stuff"
" you got anything stronger by chance?"
"well only this XXX strengh, but thats for like horses and shit"
" I'll take it"
" ok but I didnt give it to you, right!"

So with this the guy walks off for his date

The following morning the chemist is startled to see the guy again.
He's in agony, can hardly walk and looks totally exhausted.

"good night mate?"
" aaaarrrggg, eeeewwwww ahhhhhhh, sorry man, arrrgghhh, Im gunna have to flop this out just to relieve the pain"

With that he flops out his cock, it's utterly solid, blue, black, weeping pus, bleeding and swollen.

"Arrrgghh, ewwww, oh man, you got any Deep Heat mate?..fuck it hurts" says the guy to the chemsit

"WTF!!??!!!!! YOU CANT PUT DEEP HEAT ON THAT YOU'LL MAKE IT WORSE!!!" shouts the chemist,

"no you fucking dumbass it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up..."

richard

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I had a wet dream about Dubya last night.  :blush:



I dreamt I'd shot him and I pissed myself laughing.  :laugh3:

Offline Storm

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Well, I guess the title does say this thread is for 'bad' jokes, and 95% of them are exactly that.
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 08:32 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline Razor

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

richard

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The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."


So fine me...  :neener:

Offline Langston

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....And here is the 'joke' mentioned in the 'laughing because it isn't funny' thread...

What is the definition of determination?





Making a noose out of razor wire.

Offline Storm

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Well, I actually did 'lol' at that, yet I wouldn't be able to explain why I did.
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

richard

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Works for me.  :gig:

Offline lucubration

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What is the definition of determination?





Making a noose out of razor wire.
that is actually desperately funny LMAO

 :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Offline crikey

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
  One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
Screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
         


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Baron

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In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the   Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'


'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a
drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into
two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table
and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady
who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'

She answered






'THE TEETH.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Katzy moved into a new apartment  and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
Just then, a very attractive young woman came out of her apartment wearing nothing but a short flimsy silk robe.
Katzy smiled at her, and she started a conversation with him
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing on underneath, and poor Kat had a lot of trouble trying to keep eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ''Let's go to my apartment, as I think someone is coming"

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, letting her robe slip off to the floor.
Now nude, she purred at him, ''What would you say is my best feature?''

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ''It's got to be your ears.''
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts, they are round and full, and, 100% natural....I work out every day and my bum is round and very firm.....look at my skin, it is soft and silky and blemish free....how can you say my ears are my best feature ?''.
Clearing his throat, he blushed and stammered ....

''Just now outside, when you said you heard someone coming................... that was me''

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women.

Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out.

richard

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Q. How do you stop the local children from playing in your yard?

A. Molest them.

Offline Baron

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     A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said,

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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I was down the pub last night and I bought 8 venison legs off a bloke for £15.


I was just wondering if that was two deer?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Lil_NZ

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Offline Storm

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I want one!
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline Lil_NZ

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Bugger, that link's been edited for content! The final scene was Elephants mating.... hence the  :yuck:
Sorry guys, ignore me! :gig:

richard

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Bugger, that link's been edited for content!


It's a bitch when they do that. :(