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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273927 times)

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Offline croissant.neuf

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Farmer Giles was getting a bit old. His eyesight was getting worse, and those stairs that he used to climb were getting harder and harder. Looking after 48 sheep and 3 chickens was fast becoming too much for him. Fortunately, his sheepdog Shep was still able to help.

One day, he took Shep out to the fields to check on his sheep. "Go and count 'em for me boy" he said. "Okay" said Shep.

Shep rang round the field and counted the sheep one by one. "There's fifty sheep master" said Shep.

"Fifty" exclaimed Father Giles. "There was only forty eight yesterday".

"Yes, I know" said Shep, "I rounded 'em up"
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

richard

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Dear oh dear oh dear...  :hithead:

Offline Ray

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Good Grief.................... :-\

 :hide:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Ray

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'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

Nice one...................... :5:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Obblie

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What is the difference between a dud dollar bill and Kate Moss?


One is a phoney buck .......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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Bad taste warning





























Paravotti's family have rung up six funeral directors asking if they'll do a funeral for a tenor.

all six told them to f**** off and put the phone down
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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Pavarotti`s funeral car is going to be a Nissan Dorma

Offline Ray

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Pavarotti`s funeral car is going to be a Nissan Dorma


 :t:

 :)
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Razor

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A Couple More Pavarotti Jokes:

St Peter walks up to the Pearly gates and knocks.

God asks what he wants.

St Peter replies "Here's that tenor I owe you!"

*****

Q: What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas this year?
A: A smaller turkey

*****

The 3 tenors are now known as 20


Offline Storm

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The same few crap Pavarotti jokes are all over the internet.

Here's hoping somebody comes up with some decent ones sooner rather than later.
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline crikey

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Pavarotti gone, Elton John has been invited to join Carreras and Domingo to make up the numbers. They are now known as the 2 tenors and the nine bob-note.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Baron

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"Older Women"

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said.....,"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasmascreen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofabed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.





SEX EDUCATION.
 
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, " Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place boys put their penises?"
 
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
 
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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Hey Richard!

Pavarotti`s wife called me and said she had some spare clothes hanging around, do you want them?





 :laugh:

richard

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Hey Richard!

Pavarotti`s wife called me and said she had some spare clothes hanging around, do you want them?





 :laugh:
* Richard chokes on the mouthful of tea he had when he read that...  :hysterical:

Offline Storm

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Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline MaWibbley

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Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:

Excellent Tulula!!  rofl  rofl  rofl

richard

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Why would Richard want Pavarotti's wife's clothes?  :think:


Why not?

Offline Langston

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Why not?
Because Mrs Pavarotti still needs them?

richard

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A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it.

When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something, he looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

(Thanks B3ta - I think  :yuck: )

richard

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A Kentucky Redneck was fucking his sister when she started laughing.

He asked her what was so funny.

"You fuck like dad" she said

He replied "yeah, that's what mum says..."

Offline crikey

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Baron's van is full to capacity one day, and by the time he gets to the last parcel, having been at the bottom, it is all crushed.

"Better check if the contents are damaged," he thinks.

The said parcel happens to contain a blow up doll. Having always wondered what it was like to have go at one these things, he blows it up and has his way with it in the back of the van, and delivers it to the address on the box.

A month later the manufacturer calls the purchaser up to see if he is happy with his his doll.
"Absolutely brilliant" he replies, "and unbelievably realistic. I love the thing".
The caller says,  "That's good to hear, sir. Is it really that realistic?"
The guy replies, "Realistic? The first time I used it it gave me a dose of the clap".

(Leeched, and amended so as not to protect the guilty!)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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Renault are bringing out a new family car.  It's so spacious that you don't notice the kids in the back.  They're calling it thr Renault mccann
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline Dr Fuss Bogle

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Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:

 :dfb5:

No further comment.
I'm coming to get you...