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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273176 times)

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Offline fred

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Hi, Sparry.  :wave1:

where's the other then?  I searched for 'Renault'.   the only shows were at best very tenuous
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Dr Fuss Bogle

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 :dfb5:

For dissent.
I'm coming to get you...


Offline Baron

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Renault are bringing out a new family car.  It's so spacious that you don't notice the kids in the back.  They're calling it thr Renault mccann

The nearest I can get is.....http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=16045.0

down the page a bit... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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not the same wording there
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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You may well be the recipient of even more bogle points knowing what a cantankerous old bitch Fusty Bollocks can be.  :o
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 08:41 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline fred

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Quote
knowing what a cantankerous old bitch Fusty Bollocks can be.


wonder if he gives away dinner plates as well as mugs?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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wonder if he gives away dinner plates as well as mugs?

He hasn't evolved enough to use dinner plates himself, so I doubt it.

He eats the scraps we chuck him off the floor.
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline Obblie

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A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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One day a pirate's parrot says to the captain, "Hey captain, how's your asshole?"

"Shut up!" says the pirate captain.

The parrot replies, "Bwak, I've got constipation too!"

"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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This pirate wants to buy a parrot. So, he
goes to the pet shop and asks this guy about this parrot. The guy says if you put a lighter under its right wing it sings a song. The pirate wonders what it would sing if the pirate puts the lighter under the parrot's tail. He holds his lighter under its tail, and the parrot begins to sing: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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Little boy dressed as a pirate at Halloween knocks on the door and says trick ot treat!. The man answers and asks “where are your Buccaneers? The little boy says, “under my buccan hat!
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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I have held off for a few days, but you knew they were coming:

Colin McRae`s wife has taken all her money out of Northern Rock and put it in Scottish Widows

-----

I am well pissed off!

I have just spent £50 on a new computer game and it keeps crashing.

Colin McRae Helicopter Simulator is crap!

-----


richard

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On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, Razor man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, he just hid the pup down the front of his trousers and smuggled him on board the plane.

About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess noticed he was shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?

"Ahh... Yes, I'm fine," Razor replied..

Sometime later the stewardess noticed he was moaning and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're all right sir?"

"Yes," said Razor, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my keks."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem.... he's not weaned yet!"

Offline Razor

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And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:

richard

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And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:

Wait till is starts teething...

Offline Obblie

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And when i teach it to cook, the wife is history!  :nut:

 :10: for that reply  :yup:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Obblie

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What is the difference between Colin McRae and Gary Glitter?


Colin McRae only had two young boys go down on his chopper


 :hide:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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Ex-Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen again.

The McCanns have offered to help!

Offline Babs

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Q. Why don't witches wear panties?

A. Better grip on the broom.

 :t:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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:t:

Nowt like bearing a grudge for a long time, is there?  ::)

Offline Babs

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Nowt like bearing a grudge for a long time, is there?  ::)

 :blush: opened the wrong page.
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Greenbriar

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A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

 

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied
That he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him
And called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

 

The next man in line thought this was interesting,
And like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When
He got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had
Forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he
Didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom
And said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

 

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought
This was his chance. When he got to the till he told
The checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
Squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...

 

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'Mop and bucket, Till 5'


richard

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'Mop and bucket, Till 5'


The pruning-monkey has saved you a bogling there...

Offline Obblie

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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's
easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you
know it's a McDonald's.
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Heard on the radio...

"This one goes out to the McCann’s, as they're having a hard time right now... This is Lisa Stansfield."

Been around the world and I I I I I can't find my baby...