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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279439 times)

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Offline fred

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What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky uses a feather.






Perverted uses the whole chicken....
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Or, on the 'other' side of the bridge - 'kinky' uses a chop, 'perverted' uses the whole lamb.  :angel2:

richard

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Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I want a Rolls - Royce tattoo on my cock"

"You'd be better off with a landrover" replied the tattooist

"Why's that?"

"It wont get stuck in the shit"

Offline Obblie

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That doesn't belong in this thread

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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That doesn't belong in this thread


Why not, it's crappy?

Offline Razor

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Two guys at a "Bucking Bronco" contest.
First guy rides the mechanical bull for 12 seconds, the second guy rides the mechanical bull for an hour through every speed and buck they could muster!
After a standing ovation from the crowd and free drinks at the bar, the first guy asks him, "Wow! Where in the heck did you learn to ride like that?"
"Oh nowhere special" replies the second guy. "My wife is an epileptic!"

Offline Obblie

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Why not, it's crappy?

It's crap yes, but its not bad. If found my level .....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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I went to an indian restaurant in Birmingham last night.

The waiter came over and said "Curry OK?"

I said "Go on then, just one song then you can fuck off".

Offline Razor

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I was woken in the night by small talk coming from my underpants! I listened intently and could here distinct chatter, but nothing coherent or anything that made any sense. So, in the morning i went straight to my doctor. He listened to them for a moment and said I had nothing to worry about, they were just talking bollocks.

richard

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So there's this bloke sat on a jetty with a fishing rod and other such paraphernalia on this secluded lake somewhere, and up to him comes another, older bloke who lives nearby.

"Say," says the older bloke, "what are you doing here?"

"Well believe it or not, I'm on my honeymoon."

Older bloke looks surprised at this. "Well if you're on your honeymoon, why are you wasting time out here fishing? Shouldn't you be making love to your new wife like a rabbit on Viagra?"

"Well, that's a bit hard. You see, she's got syphilis, vaginal lesions, and she's on the blob."

"I see," says the older bloke, and thinks for a bit. "Well... you know... one up the bum, no harm done?"

"This is true," says the fisher, "but she's got haemorrhoids, Crohn's and anal herpes. So that's out the question."

"Fair enough, but surely she can give you a blow job?"

"Well, not really. She's got sore and bleeding gums, snaggly and broken teeth, and her breath is FOUL. So I'd rather she didn't."

"Ah." says the older bloke. "Son, can I ask something - why did you marry her in the first place? She sounds horrid!"

"Yes I know," says the fisher, "but it was for the maggots."

Kat

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(BAD jokes only in this thread please

Mere "Bad" that was not.

It was 'kin' awful.

HTH.

richard

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Mere "Bad" that was not.

It was 'kin' awful.

HTH.

 :tnx:

Kat

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Offline crikey

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Fred and Maud are both in their eighties. Fred says to Maud will you marry me. Maud says yes but there are some conditions. First I will want sex seven days a week. Thats fine says Fred, put me down for Mondays.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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Fred and Maud are both in their eighties. Fred says to Maud will you marry me. Maud says yes but there are some conditions. First I will want sex seven days a week. Thats fine says Fred, put me down for Mondays.

Post that in CC where Fred can see it.  >:D

Offline crikey

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Done!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"


"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"


So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his shock, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting -  you should see him make donuts."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Obblie

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Have you been listening to Rick Wakeman Crikes?
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Derek

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Have you been listening to Rick Wakeman Crikes?

nah he has been to see Chaviope  :angel3:  they are his sort of Baaaaad jokes ( he gets them out of the beano)

Offline crikey

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Oh no I haven't!  :neener:
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Derek

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Oh no I haven't!  :neener:

oh yes you have  :nut:

Offline Obblie

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What do you call a man with a plank on his head?


Edward



What do you call a man with two planks on his head?


Edward Wood



What do you call a man with three planks on his head?


Edward Woodward



What do you call a man with four planks on his head?


I don't know but Edward Woodward would




What do you call a man with four planks on his head and one across his legs?


I don't know but Edward Woodward would, wouldn't he?
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Two naive couples go on a second honeymoon to put some excitement into their sex life.
 
After two days they are completely bored and are talking in a bar. The bar tender tells them that in Sweden where he comes from, they swap partners to put some zing into their sex lives.

The couples decide to try it and head back to their hotel rooms. After about an hour of passionate sex, one pair is finished and come out of their room. "That wasn't as good as it's cracked up to be" said one to the other, "I wonder how the girls got on?"

Offline Razor

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Durex condoms have now released a condom that will fuck 15 Australians and not burst.

It is called the "Super Johnny"