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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273172 times)

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Offline Razor

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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
 
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".
 
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
 
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
 
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
 
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.
 
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing?  You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"



Offline Yvonne

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OH Dear Old Age


 
 
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.
I remember when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes
Camera - Nikon - Coolpix P510



MORE PHOTOS

Kat

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That really doesn't bear thinking about.  :eek2:

richard

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That really doesn't bear thinking about.  :eek2:

If you're lucky, you'll aready be too la-la to care before it becomes an issue.

Kat

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I don't think so.

My world revolves around it, as you may have guessed.

Offline MaWibbley

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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that.
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married, and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

Offline MaWibbley

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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
 P... E... N... I... S.
 His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
 replied:

 *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

richard

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Did you hear about the bisexual donkey?

It had a Hee in the morning and a Haw at night.

Offline fred

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Hi Mate,
I am writing to you because I need your help to get me
****** pilots license back. You keep telling me you
got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to
make something happen for me because, mate, I'm ******
desperate.
But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my
last flight review with the CAA Examiner
On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA) seemed a
reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of
the need to do a flight review every two years. He
even offered to drive out, have a look over my
property and let me operate from my own strip.
Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he
said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a
small strip outside my homestead, because the ALA
(Authorised Landing Area) is about a mile away. I
explained that because this strip was so close to the
homestead, it was more convenient than the ALA, and
despite the power lines crossing about midway down the
strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off,
because at the halfway point down the strip you're
usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had
done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier,
I decided to do it all over again. Because the *****
was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane
three times instead of my usual two.
My effort was rewarded because the colour finally
returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright
red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told
him I was going to combine the test flight with some
farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from
the home paddock to the main herd.
After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and
threw them into the back of the ol Cessna 172. We
climbed aboard, but Ron started getting onto me about
weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of
course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time
because, calves like to move around a bit particularly
when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground! So,
It's ****** pointless trying to secure them as you
know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry
as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to
ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages
throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized
the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and
gunning her to 2,500 rpm. I then discovered that Ron
has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a
****** headset. Through all that noise he detected a
metallic rattle and demanded I account for it.
Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by
a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and
lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector
Can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's
jammed on All tanks, so I suppose that's Okay.
However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed
the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos
flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between
the windshield and the magnetic compass. My
explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped
back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit
roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but
unfortunately the plane
gave a leap and spun to the right. ****** hell I thought,
not the starboard wheel chock again.
The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked
around just in time to see a rock thrown by the
prop-wash disappear completely through the
windscreen of his brand new Commodore. Now I'm really
in trouble, I thought.
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored
his requirement that we taxi to the ALA, and instead
took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word,
at least not until the engine started coughing right
at the lift off point, and then he ****** screamed his
head off. Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
Now take it easy, Ron I told him firmly. That often
happens on take-off and there is a good reason for
it. I explained patiently that I usually run the
plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally
put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for
the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few
gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down
a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has
been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine,
if you know how to coax it properly.
Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest
in my test flight. He pulled out some rosary beads,
closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn't
think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected
some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax.
Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of
10,500 feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or
get the weather because, as you know getting FAX
access out here is a friggin' joke and the weather is
always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss
with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on
that.
Anyhow, on leveling out, I noticed some wild camels
heading into my improved pasture. I hate ******
camels, and always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside
the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of them.
We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of
principle, I decided to have a go through the open
window. Mate, when I pulled the ****** rifle out,
the effect on Ron was freakin electric. As I fired
the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches
and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo.
He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an
electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's
reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration
for a second and the next shot went straight through
the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting
(probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so
I decided not to tell him about our little problem
with the tyre.
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided
to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to
praying when, in one smooth sequence, I
pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a
sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130
knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and
the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI.
What a buzz, mate!
About half way through the descent I looked back in
the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in
mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment
on this unusual sight, but Ron looked a bit green and
had rolled himself into the fetal position and was
screamin his freakin head off again.
Mate, talk about being in a ****** zoo. You should've
been there, it was ****** funny!
At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason
we kept sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied
full power but nothin happened; no noise no nothin.
Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me
head saying carby heat, carby heat. So I pulled
carby heat on and that helped quite a
lot, with the engine finally regaining full power.
Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!
Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As
luck would have it, at that height we flew into a
massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and
suddenly went I.F. ****** R, mate. BJ, you would have
been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not
once, but I did make a mental note to
consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is
repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a
while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and
bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very
wide, but no sound emerged.
Take it easy, I told him, we'll be out of this in a
minute.
Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still
straight and level and still at 50 feet.
Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were
upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, Christ I hope
Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set
the QNH when we were taxiing. This minor tribulation
forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to
do a half roll to get upright again.
By now the main herd had divided into two groups
leaving a narrow strip between them. Ah! I thought,
there's an omen. We'll land right there.
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow
approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full
flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud
in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it
up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I
turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down
with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always
thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger
but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!
Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered
his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen
the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled
to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of
the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.
I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut
wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was
doing. I explained that we had to stuff the
port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the
homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot
and started running away from the aircraft. Can you
believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into
the distance, arms flailing in the air and still
shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had
been confined to a psychiatric institution poor
******!
Anyhow mate, thats enough about Ron. The problem is I
got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it,
my privileges to fly; until I have
undergone a complete pilot training course again and
undertaken another flight proficiency test.
Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the
wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip
elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was a
so ****** bad that they have to withdraw me flamin
license. Can you?
Yrs. Trly.,
Maynard
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week.


He cried, because it was his first time.  :pa

Offline Obblie

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?
















Piece of cake
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Ray

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Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

richard

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One day while at his best mate house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag.

'Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?', said Norris.

Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?'.

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jims wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV.

An hour or so later, Norris said. 'Jim? Can I shag her again please?'. To which Jim replied 'OK, but remember, don't go down on her!!!'
Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jims wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldnt help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

'Whats wrong Norris?'
'I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldnt help myself.....'
'You went down on her didnt you Norris!!!!' said Jim looking horrified.
'I got a mouth full of rice!!!' said Norris disgusted.
'That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!'

Offline fred

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An Irish girl goes to the doc's and asks for the pill, the doc sez ur already 6 months,she sez I know but Paddys found another hole and I don't want a lump on mi back as well
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A recent survey in England asked the following question:

"Are there too many foreigners in this country?"

The following are the survey results.

20%: YES

10%: NO

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

Offline Amy-Hols

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip.


She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone
rang.


It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops.


She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from
the last shop.


She was jubilant.


Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the
Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because
it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you'll now be
his carer!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.


The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead!
What'd you buy?"


richard

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That's right where it belongs. :)

richard

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Mating call of a cuckoo... "Cuckoo, Cuckoo"

Mating call of an owl... "Twit tWooo, Twit tWooo"

Mating call of Lucu.... "C`mon Richard, c`mon give it to me up the arse again..."

richard

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English Football!  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Offline fred

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I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Derek

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English Football!  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

bit like welsh Rugby eh!

the glory days have gone

Offline Razor

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Peter Tobin, the man accused of killing two young women whose bodies were
found in his garden in Kent, claims to be innocent.

He reckons he once bought some top-soil off Fred West

Offline crikey

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Another leech - with permissions.

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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I was in Sainsbury’s at lunchtime to buy some Oxo Cubes.

They had the usual ones, chicken, beef, lamb, vegetable and England.

“What’s the England one?” I ask the assistant.

"Thats the new one they have just launched” she replied “It’s called The Laughing Stock!”
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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"Thats the new one they have just launched” she replied “It’s called The Laughing Stock!”

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes