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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273196 times)

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Offline fred

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Steve Maclaren is going tothe England christmas dressed as a pumpkin......
hes hopin someone can turn him in to a ****in coach
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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GIRL'S DIARY

Wednesday, 21 November 2007.


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with
the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and
loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so
I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any
attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the
television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms
around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up at first, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still
seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he
had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.




BLOKES DIARY



Wednesday, 21 November 2007.



England lost at football today.

Fuckin Gutted.

Got a shag though!

Offline fred

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What's going on here?

"Give it here!"
"No, its mine!"




"Let me have it!"
"No its mine!"




"Let me have it!"
"Its my turn!"




"U had it last"!
"fuck off!"
"Come on gimme it!"
"NO way!"


























Siamese twins having a Wank !
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic, if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?


richard

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I've invented a new cocktail.

It's half a glass of red wine, topped up with pomegranate juice and with some pieces of pink grapefruit for garnish.

I think I'll call it "18 Week Abortion".  :juice:

Offline Razor

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I bought a Teddy Bear for £10, just sold it on ebay for £20.

Now i have these Sudanese after me for trying to make a prophet out of a Teddy!


Offline fred

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Murphy,how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue,she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME" for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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And, and?  ::)
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline crikey

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Husband: " Heard a story about the milkman today. Seems he brags that he's made love to every woman on our street, except one."
Wife: "Oh, that'll be that stuck-up cow at number 17."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Obblie

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Oooops  :hysterical: :hysterical:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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John Darwin has walked in to a police station after being missing, presumed dead for 5 years.

He said thats the last time i go on holiday with the McCan's!

Offline Razor

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Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza.

The assistant asked which one he wanted and King Wenceleslas replied, "Deep pan, crisp and even!"

*****

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed school teacher?

A: She can't control herpupils.

*****






Offline crikey

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A drunk Irishman is standing, peeing into a fountain in the middle of Dublin. A policeman comes up to him and says, "Stop that and put your willie away."

The Irishman shoves his willie back into his trousers and does up his zip. The policeman turns to leave and the Irishman starts laughing.
"OK, what's so funny?" asks the Policeman. "Fooled you," says the Irishman. "I may have put it away but I didn't stop."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.he goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do o have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.  She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina'..... .
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

Offline lucubration

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^^^  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Offline Razor

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Im a sick puppy.

So, merry cold blooded christmas!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811

Offline Obblie

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"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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Paul McCartney has bought ex-wife Heather a new false leg for Christmas.

It isnt her main present, just a stocking filler

 :hat3:

richard

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MR T borrows the A-TEAM van for a night out and soon picks up a lovely vixen at a local bar.

He drives her up to a secluded layby and starts canoodling, eventually they get down to business , when Mr T announces that he had a whipping fetish and demands to be horsewhipped before the deed is done.

Unfortunately there is nothing to whip him with so the young lady gets out from the van and finds a whippy slender branch from a tree but it is no good as the branch breaks on second stroke.

Mr T reaches for the toolbox and removes the pliers then clips a bit of wire from the fence that runs alongside the layby.

Its no use either as its far too supple and not enough whip to it.

Mr T looks up on the roof of the van and spots the CB antenna ! Just the job!

Mr T is soon whipped into action and soon both are sweaty and satisfied.

Next day Mr T has nasty painful marks all over his buttocks, which soon fester and ooze puss.

The doctor is called for and examines the patient.

"Hey Docta whats up wi me ya crazy fool!" asks Mr T politely.

The doctor takes a step back raises his glasses and says... "I'm afraid you have a bad case of van aerial disease."

Offline Storm

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Im a sick puppy.

So, merry cold blooded christmas!

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4811

Haha!

That's more like it.
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline crikey

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A man put his dad in a retirement home. Several days later, he visits and asked how he liked it.
His father replied, "it's great, last night i got a hard-on and a nurse came in with some hand lotion, and took care of it."
The son said "uh, uh, I'm glad you like it, but i don't need that much information."

A week later the son goes back. The father grabs his son's arm and says "You got to get me out of here. Last night I fell down. An orderly picked me up took me to my room, and corn holed me."
The son says "C'mon dad, last week you had a nurse taking care of you."
The old man said, "You don't understand, I get two or three hard-ons a year ... I fall down several times a month."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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How do you teach a Blonde (select the hairtype to suit) maths?

Add a bed, sebtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave you solution and hope she doesnt multiply!!!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.


In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.


Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Be careful where you put your money, especially this time of year when there's a nasty nip in the air!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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The mystery behind the plane crash at Heathrow has been solved.

It was a rehearsal for Man Utd's 50th anniversary display to be held in February...  :beer2:

Offline crikey

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Leeched.

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee for breakfast?"
He declines and says, "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asks him if he would like something now. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
Once again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra, I'm still not hungry."
"Well for God's sake," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm absolutely starving."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.