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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273165 times)

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Offline crikey

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The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving  accident, he
 was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
 
 "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
 some information about your wife."
 
 "Well, tell me!" the man said.
 
 The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
 some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
 
 Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
 So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
 morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
 
 "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering
 what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 
 "Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two
 five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on
 her."
 
 "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens
 demanded.
 
 The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
 morning."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, England, have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm "Brut", a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ... yet!

richard

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The BBC have announced a new comedy series that will be based around a scouser family going to Portugal on holiday and losing one of their children.

It's going to be called One Foot In Algarve!

Offline fred

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
 


the funeral will be on Friday
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.


 :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Razor

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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Offline Brow96

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Hot Damm a decent joke for a change!

Bill
  

richard

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Hot Damm a decent joke for a change!


'Decent' jokes are off-topic in this thread.

hth. :)

Offline Brow96

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By "decent" I mean a joke that I can actually chuckle over. Most of thee jokes here are just that jokes. Not funny, punch line not there, they make interesting stores in an off beat sort of way. But "funny" usually isn't one of them.

Bill
  

Offline fred

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police are investigating jeremy beadles death after there have been reports it may have been suspicious....

the main suspect is his wife

but she insists she's been framed !!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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The Pedigree Dog Food company has gone bust...............
They've called in the retrievers.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A guy is sitting in a bar one evening, on his own. He keeps catching the eye of a lady at the far end of the bar. This goes on for quite some time, before he musters up the courage to go over to her.

"Hi, what brings a beautiful woman like you here?" He says

"I've broken up with my boyfriend, so I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom"

"Wow, I'm here for the same reason - my girlfriends just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!!"

They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening as she goes to leave she asks if he'd like to come back to hers, and he accepts.

When they get back to her place she motions to the sofa and says "Ill be right out, just going to get ready".

She goes in the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp outfit, Viagra, and a leather dominatrix outfit.

When she comes out the man is heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" she asks.

"Well," says the man "I've fucked your dog and had a shit in your handbag, I'm off..."

Offline Babs

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'Sometimes'... Richard...     :omg:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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'Sometimes'... Richard...     :omg:

What?  :angel2:

Offline fred

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A doctor in wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Mike, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Mike.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Mike, how was your day?"

Mike told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Mike my lad!, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, sir" says Mike.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies  open and a young gorgeous woman burst in through the door. she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of the Lord! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Thundering Hellcats!, what in the heck did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes." replied Mike

richard

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This Scouser goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he'll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket.

So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says "TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED".

He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles.

The farmer says "It's simple enough even for you... just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket."

The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop.

There are thousands of them in there.

He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going "Gobble gobble gobble".

And the Scouser says "No fucking way, a wank is all you're going to get."

Offline Baron

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All nicked from emails etc....



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
 
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!
   
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?   
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
 
 FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
   
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:  But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:  Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 
The radio went silent and the interview ended.



Why you should make sure you think before you speak ...

The priest in a small Welsh village loved his chickens that he kept in the
coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up !
'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
 
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
 
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
 
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
 
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
 
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'


A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?....


Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt
pretty badly. So the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and
the mortician pulled back
the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him
over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician
thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the
body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
'No, it ain't
Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you
tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had
two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two
arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy
with them two
arseholes....'


*********************************
**************************


Five Englishmen in an
Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer
stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people
in a Quattro,
Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the
Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed
to carry five
persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies
Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have
five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot!
Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more
intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a
Fiat Uno.'


******************************************
*****************

Following a night out with a few
friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat.

After the
grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride
of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the
guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How
does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from
the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, fucks sake,
you bastard, it's twenty
to two in the sodding
morning!!'


*************************************
**********************

A young man excitedly tells
his mother he's fallen in love and is going to
get married.

He says,
'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends
in addition
to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going
to
marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them
downon the couch and they chat for a while.

He then
says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately
replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right,
how did you know?'

'I don't like
her.'


***********************************************************


Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You
are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice
at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge
continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a
spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You
fucking
bastard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back
of the courtroom, and said,
'Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I
will not have any more of these outbursts
from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the
problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For
fifteen years I
lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a fucking
spanner, he said he didn't have
one!'


******************************************
*****************

A man walks into a bar and asks
for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for
another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again
and asks for
another beer.

This happens about another seven times
before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your
pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she
looks good
enough, I'll go
home.'


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony when the history professor asked his friend: “Have you read Marx?

“Yes," replied the Psychology professor. "I think it’s from the wicker chairs."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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Dear oh dear...  :gig:

Offline fred

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Paul Gascoigne's been discovered at the Hilton Hotel in Gateshead having sex with a Tellytubby.
The offical report is he's f***ing LA LA!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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So much for challenging the stigma surrounding mental illness...  :pa

Offline JoJo

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So much for challenging the stigma surrounding mental illness...  :pa
what about the stigma around being blonde..??? :neener:
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."




richard

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what about the stigma around being blonde..??? :neener:

They deserve it.  :hysterical:

Kezzywink

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