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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279294 times)

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richard

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I just watched Mel Gibson's remake of Monty Python's Life of Brian, and I have to say I didn't laugh even once...

Offline croissant.neuf

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All nicked from emails etc....
 
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 

So what do you call a stupid blonde?

Heather Mills
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

richard

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My cat gave birth the other day.
 
Today we watched the kittens climb out of their box for the first time.

You should've seen the looks on their little faces - it was like "Why the fuck am I in the middle of a lake?"

Offline Razor

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^^ Maybe we should start another thread, "Sick Jokes Only"  :gig:

Offline Razor

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Little Johnny was at sunday school one day and the teacher was asking the kids where they thought Jesus was.

Mary said "I think Jesus is in my heart"

Paul said," I think Jesus is in heaven"

But then little Johnny said "I KNOW Jesus is in my bathroom because every morning my daddy is pounding on the door yelling, "Jesus Christ are you sill in there!"

*****

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

*****


Offline fred

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A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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i used to hate weddings .the old aunties would poke me and cackle oooh your next ,your next !!

they soon stopped that crap when i started doin the same to them at funerals !!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A couple decide to go on holiday and arrive at Terminal 5. Seeing the chaos the husband reasures his wife.

"Look we've been stressed out all year we've not managed a holiday for ages as soon as we're away from here things will get better"

The next day they manage to get on a plane, but without their luggage.

"Still look on the bright side dear we've always wanted to see Tibet and now we're on our way"

When they get to Tibet they get caught up in a protest march outside the airport and mistaken for activists they're arrested and spend three days in jail.

"Come on dear keep your spirits up we've done nothing wrong, it'll all be sorted soon."

Then an Embassy official manages to secure their release but only on the undestanding that they are put straight on a plain back to Blighty.

Filthy, starving and dishevelled they arrive back at Heathrow.

"OK dear that may have been a nightmare but when we get home you can soak in a nice hot bath and I'll take you out on the town for a show and a slap up meal. Look here's the taxi.... Driver... Romsey Close, Farnborough please."

Offline Baron

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Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning mathematics.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.


After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Morris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Morris got an 'A' in maths.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: 'Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?'
Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, 'No'
 
'Well, then', she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?'
Little Morris looked at her and said,

'Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
Plus Sign,
I knew they weren't fucking around.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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Accident Investigation and Aviation Health & Safety have now determined the cause of the crash in which an aeroplane crashed into a house in Kent.

Someone had left the landing light on!

Offline Baron

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 white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
 
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
 
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house.
 
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is amass with $100 bills.
 
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and there are two
persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan garb. They drag him outside to the
nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until
he's dead.
 
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods revealing
the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
understand the first wish, having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to.
 
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
 
... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Babs

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... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'


It's an oldie in another form... and I still have a  :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Razor

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I lay upon a grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver.
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg rolled into the river.








A short poem by Sir Paul McCartney

Offline Razor

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A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

*****

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R something.

*****


Offline Baron

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A bloke went to the Doctor as he was having trouble getting his wife pregant.
The Doc examined him, told him he need to supply a sperm sample, gave him a container, and told him to bring it back in a day or so.
 A week later the bloke went back, but the container was empty..........."Why is it empty ?" enquired the Doc.
"I couldn't manage it" replied the bloke................"I tried very hard for a couple of days, then the wife had a go, and still nothing............so she called in the 70 year old granny next door, and she tried it, with and without her teeth, but still nothing.................................none of us could get the bloody lid off !"
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Obblie

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A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

*****


 :toff:  I laughed at that one
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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Police arrested a man in arbroath this morning over the head on the beach case.

He was seen walking through the town with a morrisons bag when the arse fell out it
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Gyrodek

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Women eh...........boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise........ and THEN...................they wont take it up the arse 'cos: "it hurts!"   ::)

Gyrodek

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Husband returns home from his travels with his latest discovery- a cock sucking frog. His wife says " what am i supposed to do with that?" to which the husband replies "teach it to cook then fuck off!"

Offline Baron

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Couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and
she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
 
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
 asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
 

 
You're going to love this..................

 
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............

 
 
 
 
 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'


**************************************************************************

3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will
wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.'
He saw me he said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long

The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we
had wild sex all night.'

The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over
my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:.


'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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Leeched.

A hill-farmer was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely hill-farmer. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But, the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the it.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the hill-farmer started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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Craig Meehan is an anagram of Reaming Ache...  :pa

Offline Baron

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BRITISH DRINKING RULE

A Polish guy drinks his beer then suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Poland our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice'

A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'

A British chap, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pole and the Pakistani and catches his glass.

He says, 'In Britain we now have that many Pakistanis and Poles that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Britain !
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Derek

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Now that is the first good joke I have seen in this thread so it doesn't belong here