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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279500 times)

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Offline Baron

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I'm in the poo again aren't I ?  ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Langston

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I'm in the poo again aren't I ?  ;D
Whatever turns you on....

;)

Offline Baron

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Mostly anything these days.... :blush:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Babs

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Mostly anything these days.... :blush:

Really?

"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Baron

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Wooohoooooo....... :gig: :angel3:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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A bloke and his girlfriend are just about to have sex when she asks if he's got a condom.
Of course, the bloke says .In fact , I bought a special Olympic pack with gold ,silver ,and bronze-coloured ones.
As he starts to put on the gold one, his girlfriend stops him and says:
Could you put the silver one on?
When the bloke ask why, she replies:
So you come second for a change.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "There's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Breaking News...

The Olympic flame has gone out in Paris....just proves that she will stick anything up her ***t.

leeched from DM at TT
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day. The religious programs make me feel good and the comdies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the door bell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Gyrodek

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What's the best thing about making love to twenty eight year olds?









There are twenty of them.

Offline Razor

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Mark Speight has been found dead.  His body was hanging in Paddington Railway Station splattered with blue paint, covered in glitter and had crayons sticking out of his ass.

Police believe he had a massive art attack!

richard

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replies, "Meow..."

Offline fred

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too good for this thread that
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline lucubration

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A bloke and his girlfriend are just about to have sex when she asks if he's got a condom.
Of course, the bloke says .In fact , I bought a special Olympic pack with gold ,silver ,and bronze-coloured ones.
As he starts to put on the gold one, his girlfriend stops him and says:
Could you put the silver one on?
When the bloke ask why, she replies:
So you come second for a change.

rather good that one too  :gig:
Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Offline Baron

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Two Irishmen were walking home from the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'
'I know, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.'
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other
keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?
Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline lucubration

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Travel  Videos <<NOTE: IE only>>

vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit

Offline Baron

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An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
 
 A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
 
 A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
 
 The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

************************************

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's called sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 per minute.

****************

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital again in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped and asked her for her licence.
"Shit !" she said, and sped off around the corner.
 Mext, Mad Jim stopped her and asked her for her Insurance documents.
 "Fuck !" she said, and took off again at speed.
 Rounding the next corner, she met Big Richard who was standing naked in the corridor with a very impressive erection.
 "Oh no !" she said "Not the fucking breathalyser again !".

************************************

A new vibrator has been launched on the market, that is so realistic that, just before the woman reaches an orgasm, it comes, coughs, farts, goes limp, then switches itself off.

***************************

How do you confuse a Guardian reader ?
 Tell them that asylum-seekers hunt down and kill paedophiles.

***********************************

What can a bird do that a man cannot ?
 Whistle through his pecker.

************************************

I went for a job interview for a job as a Blacksmith yesterday.
The interviewer said " Have you ever shoed a horse before ?"
 "No" I said, "But I have told a Donkey to piss off".

*******************

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery Firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

*******************************************************

My wife has developed the vacuum cleaner syndrome.............whining all the time, and now she's stopped sucking completey.

**********************************************

How do you make a baby drink ?
Put it in a blender.

************************************************

We are always being told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours.
 Why the heck should we ?
 My 93 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch...................she hasn't taken in her milk or newspapers for two weeks !.

*****************************

Two men were walking their dogs through a grave yard, and one man turns to the other and says "Morning".............the other replies "No, just walking the dog."

**************************

I still occasionally have a wank over my ex................I have the keys to her flat, and she is a heavy sleeper.

********************

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic, if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends ?

**************************

A mother, cleaning her son's bedroom, rinds an S & M magazine under his bed.
 Upset, she goes downstairs and shows the magazine to her husband.
 "Well ?" his wife asks, "What do you think we should do about this ?"
"I'm not sure" replies the husband, "But we sure as hell shouldn't spank him !"

***********
 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches watches .........
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline crikey

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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said.... 'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Obblie

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That shouldn't be in this thread

 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Brow96

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I agree it's too good a joke. Unfortunately it's a wee bit close to home, or too close to reality!?!

Bill