Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Sep 20, 19, 10:46 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Google Search

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 104610
  • Total Topics: 11595
  • Online Today: 26
  • Online Ever: 167
  • (Mar 31, 19, 11:42 AM)
Users Online
Users: 1
Guests: 13
Total: 14

Themes





Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279221 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Yvonne

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 12462
  • Bogle Points: 51
  • Gender: Female
Re: Heaven or Hell ??
« Reply #475 on: Apr 22, 08, 07:51 AM »
Heaven   :angel:  or    :o   Hell


An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and sodomised.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'


Camera - Nikon - Coolpix P510



MORE PHOTOS

Offline Babs

  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 10787
  • Bogle Points: 5
Re: Heaven or Hell ??
« Reply #476 on: Apr 22, 08, 10:15 AM »
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14482
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
I wish to make a complaint

The jokes in the thread are getting too good

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Yvonne

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 12462
  • Bogle Points: 51
  • Gender: Female
Re: Heaven or Hell ??
« Reply #478 on: Apr 22, 08, 02:10 PM »
rofl  excellent     :yup:


Glad you had a giggle,  :D


I wish to make a complaint

The jokes in the thread are getting too good

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


 :gig:
Camera - Nikon - Coolpix P510



MORE PHOTOS

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as
her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Leeched - thanx to Diogenes

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I re attached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travailing 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Online Baron

  • Foreskin
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 15619
  • Bogle Points: 102
  • Gender: Male
  • Hedgecat
A revised version of an old joke......

Quote
    A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag...''Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!''Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?''Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!'

   

    ''Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?''Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Online Baron

  • Foreskin
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 15619
  • Bogle Points: 102
  • Gender: Male
  • Hedgecat
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
 And without missing a beat, she says:



 'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'

 

*************************************************

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Perth.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his

mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.'


Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his  mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
 he talks, the dumber he gets.'

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21107
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
The man rubbed the magic lamp and a genie appeared.

His voice boomed out "OK, there's been some cut-backs, so you only get one wish, so you'd better make it a good one".

"I'd like you to turn me into a guaranteed pleasure machine for women"

"Fair enough", and he changed him into a free chocolate vending machine.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle.

"So... where are all the cows?"

"None of 'em survived the branding."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Online Baron

  • Foreskin
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 15619
  • Bogle Points: 102
  • Gender: Male
  • Hedgecat
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had overdone the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, they needed a wee on the way home, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair, which she didn't want ruin. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath and ribbon, so she used the ribbon.

After the girls did their business they toddled off home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned, as his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'I'm starting to get suspicious about these girly nights out - my wife came home last night without her panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From everyone at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''   
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

*****

The Karma Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber:

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

*****

My wife told me that she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'

So, I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

*****




richard

  • Guest
I'm not saying Ronaldo is thick but, after his recent escapade with transvestite prostitutes, when his team-mates asked him if he actually enjoyed the blow-job, he replied that it did indeed taste rather odd.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
little susies beginning her monthly bleeding, but isnt quite sure whats going on. Embarrassed about telling her parents she decides to speak to her good friend jonny.

susie lifts up her dress and pulls down her panties and shows jonny the problem. "do you know whats wrong" susie asks.

"well im no doctor" replies jonny "but it looks like someones ripped your bolloks off!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
The mcanns have complained to the national hide and seek governing body. Saying that the fritzels should be disqualified seen as she had inside help!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

  • Guest
My wife was admitted to hospital last week with head wounds after we did some kinky role-play together.

She decided to be a prostitute, I decided to be Peter Sutcliffe.

richard

  • Guest
There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "Do not Bend" on it.

I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up?  :think:

richard

  • Guest
Bloke walking down the street notices a man shuffling towards him like John Wayne and looking very uncomfortable indeed.

"You okay, mate? You look like you're in a bit of trouble."

"Yeah, fine." The guy says, breathing heavily. "Just shit meself, that's all."

"Oh, Jesus! Why are you still walking around? There's a public toilet just over that way. Shouldn't you try to clean yourself up a bit?"

"Haven't finished yet."

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21107
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, “Great, I'll take it!“ And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21107
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! But you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
New John Terry Vodka ... bottled in Russia, slips down a treat, at the end of a long night.

Ryan Giggs has said the Champions League Cup is like a chocolate orange, its not Terry's it mine.

Samaritans are offering counseling to all Chelsea fans - call 0800 101010 - thats 08000 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

Chelsea helpline 0800 6-5 6-5 6-5.

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."

Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.

Good news is that Austrian Josef Fritzl has been sentenced to the death penalty ... unfortunately John Terry is taking it.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21107
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant alerts the pilot and copilot of the situation.

The copilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
BBC have reported today that petrol stations will be showing pron movies at the petrol pumps...........insider says its so you can see someone else getting screwed at the same time as you...lol.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
I've just come off the phone with the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a large goat with a long neck.
















Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf