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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279250 times)

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Offline Razor

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The play school children were now in the first year at school. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in a play school. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked little Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."


Offline fred

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Have you ever heard of the movie 'Constipated?'



No, beacause it hasn't come out yet.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

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Romeo was used to standing ovations, now he just hopes for a stand.

Offline Derek

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Romeo was used to standing ovations, now he just hopes for a stand.

am I being dense? or am I missing sumfink?

I just don't get it

richard

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am I being dense? or am I missing sumfink?


One or the other...  ;)

Offline fred

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Q: What is green,in your nose, and sings?



A: FRANK SNOTATRA
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Q: What is a vampire's favorite fruit?


A: Neck-tarines!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Q: Two vampires walk into a bar and one vampire says to the bartender give me a glass of blood. So, the bartender hands him a glass of blood.

The second vampire asked for just plain water. The bartender asks, "Why plain water? Why not a glass of blood?



A: The vampires takes out a tampon from his pocket and says, "I have a tea bag...."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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: What did the penis tell the condom?



A: Cover me, I'm going in.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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"Well, Robby", said Fred in the pub, "I've had two unhappy marriages..."
"Well?" asked Robby.
"My first wife died and now my second one won't!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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"Well, Robby", said Fred in the pub, "I've had two unhappy marriages..."
"Well?" asked Robby.
"My first wife died and now my second one won't!"

To ease his disappointment, Fred decided to visit a massage parlour. Left in a huff. Said they rubbed him up the wrong way.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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A glimmer of hope for Fred. His was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Fred spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a jumbo-sized can of peas."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Obblie

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The train came to a grinding halt, someone had pulled the communication cord. The guard went through the carriages looking for the reason and came to one of the toilets with the door closed.

He bangs on the door

"Are you all right in there?",

"No" came the reply.

"What is the problem said the guard?",

"haemorrhoids" said the man in the toilet.

The guard was astounded, "haemorrhoids!, I have haemorrhoids, but they don't make me want to pull the communication cord"

"Your's aren't wrapped around the axle" ..........
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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ouch!


leeched
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn't know what to make of it.

*****

After learning of the possible closure of his Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson has told of his intention to build a brand new dinosaur theme park. He's promised that every kid who visits will leave with a megasoreass.

*****

I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make.
I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.
Now, I can't even bring myself to talk to her.
To be honest, I don't even want to take her for a walk or play fetch.

*****

Contrary to the popular cartoon, there are actually no builders in the UK called Bob.
That's because "Bob" isn't a Polish name.

*****


Offline fred

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 I went to a wedding at a nudist colony last week.

Believe me, I was quite honored to be named Best Man!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

 Got two fives for a ten?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Carlsberg delivery drivers are to join the Shell Tanker drivers in their strike action this weekend.

Guess I'd better go out and panic drink in case the beer runs out.


better late than never
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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The local vicar is walking through his graveyard one day and sees a man leaning against a gravestone.

"Morning" says the vicar to the man

"Nope" says the man " Having a Piss "
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Derek

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Carlsberg delivery drivers are to join the Shell Tanker drivers in their strike action this weekend.

Guess I'd better go out and panic drink in case the beer runs out.


better late than never

if it was Carling, I would be very happy for them to be on strike permanently ( it is the worse lager I have ever had the misfortune to mistakenly buy)

Offline fred

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I went round to see my sisters new baby yestrday, and she asked me if i wanted to wind her.
i thought that was a bit harsh, so i just gave her a dead arm.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I went round to see my sisters new baby yestrday, and she asked me if i wanted to wind her.
i thought that was a bit harsh, so i just gave her a dead arm.

Was that the baby, your sister, or both?

Offline Razor

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New doll available to buy, doesn't come with house, car, pets, clothes, furniture, farm or money.

It is called Zim-Barbwe

Offline fred

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Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Want a picture of Jordan with nothing left out?

http://www.c4p.co.uk/cgi-bin/yabb/Ya...m=1076 060967
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf