Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Sep 20, 19, 10:46 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Google Search

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 104610
  • Total Topics: 11595
  • Online Today: 26
  • Online Ever: 167
  • (Mar 31, 19, 11:42 AM)
Users Online
Users: 1
Guests: 13
Total: 14

Themes





Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279218 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

richard

  • Guest

I was watching the Olympics and thought to myself, Is there anything that these Chinese arnt good at???

Then i remembered, cockle picking on Morecombe Bay.


That is the spirit of this thread...

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
You know me  >:D

richard

  • Guest
You know me  >:D

Yup.  :dram:

(Don't forget the bike show in Bristol Corn St today... we'll be setting off soon!)

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Leeched.

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally,
Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except
for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was
the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the
supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual
harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

  • Guest
I got caught speeding yesterday.

The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.

Half way down he stopped me and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering."

I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself..."

richard

  • Guest
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives.

His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games..
.but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.

At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

The first woman said, "I call my man Big Dick, cause he's got a big dick!"

The second woman says, "I call my man Long John, cos he's got a looonng john!"

The third woman says, "I call my man Courvoisier!"

"Courvoisier?!!" echo the other two, "ain't that some kind of fancy French liquor?"

"Yeah! Right on!!!!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body according to Gary Glitter.
He said all he did was, put a Thai on his cock!

*****

One of the British Cyclists has been arrested for drug abuse, but luckily it turned out he was only peddling.

*****

The wife isnt speaking to me at the moment because i didnt open the car door for her. It wasnt my fault!!! I just panicked and just swam to the surface!

*****

A man was nude sunbathing in his garden and fell asleep in the full sun. When he woke, he was sun burnt from head to toe, including his todger!. He ran inside and phoned his doctor who told him to dip his willy into a glass of cold milk to relieve the burn. As he was stood there with his dick in the saucer of milk, his blonde wife walked in and saw him.

"Wow!" she says. "I always wondered how you managed to refill those things".

*****

LAST MINUTE HOLIDAY DEAL SPECIAL :-

Thomas Cook are offering cheap wedding package vacations to Antigua with free shots thrown in for honeymooners.

*****

richard

  • Guest
Two male firefighters are having sex in a smoke filled room. Their chief bursts in through the door and says,

"Holy shit, what are you two guys up to?"

One of the firefighters looks up and says,

"John's suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!"

The chief says, "Well why aren't you administering mouth to mouth resuscitation?"

"I did sir," replies the firefighter, "How the fuck do you think this got started?"

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
The police have now released the bodies from the burnt out mansion, they're now cold.
Well, you wouldn't want a warm fosters would you?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
You are invited to a family BBQ at a mansion in Shropshire.

There will be plenty of lager, but no Fosters!


richard

  • Guest
God, I was so proud to see Britain's "special" athletes today. Their struggle against adversity is so inspirational.

Even being there is incredible, let alone beating Andorra 2-0.

richard

  • Guest
Bloke goes into a record shop.

He asked the chap behind the counter if he had anything by The Doors.

Chap said "a mop, a bucket and a fuckin' fire-extinguisher if you must know..."

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Mr Darby: Joan, I'm in love with another woman, and i'm going to move in with her.
Mrs Darby: But Peter, why? We've had 49 years together, we've raised 3 beautiful children, I thought we were going to walk into the sunset together... why now? And who is she, anyway?
Mr Darby: It's Lily.
Mrs Darby: Lily across the road!! What's SHE got that i haven't?
Mr Darby: Parkinson's...
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

  • Guest

Mr Darby: Parkinson's...


I bet at least 3/4 of the people reading won't fall in.  :angel2:

richard

  • Guest
I was stuck in traffic on the motorway, busting to pee, I looked on the floor and there was an empty coke can.
I took a leak in that hoping that no other drivers could see me.
However a cop car pulls up next to me and sees the whole thing.

Now I'm being done for possesion of canapiss...  :pa

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
"ALZHEIMER'S" OR "PARKINSON'S "

Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSON'S of course!   


Better to spill half your drink, than forget where the fuck you put it!

richard

  • Guest
It was announced today that scientists in Stockwood have been planning and building their own version of the particle collider at Cern.

Due to start the experiments in November, they already have the string and are just waiting for the conkers to come into season.

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way.

Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: "Oh John.... !!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!"

"Well that's quite simple,"John answers...... "That's when I come to pick you up again!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf