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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273211 times)

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richard

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My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:

Offline Brow96

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My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:

I had enough of those in the US Navy to last a life time. I can understand her attitude.

Bill
  

Offline Obblie

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My wife isn't happy with me at the moment, said she fancied something Mexican to eat last night.

Apparently a Dirty Sanchez wasn't what she had in mind... :hide:

 whoosh
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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whoosh

Google is your friend - you'll need to turn safesearch off though.

Offline Obblie

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"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes


Offline Obblie

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You can wipe that moustache off your face  :toff:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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You can wipe that moustache off your face  :toff:

It's not on my face...

Offline Babs

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It's not on my face...

Well don't look at me...    :t:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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Well don't look at me...    :t:

 :hysterical:

Offline Obblie

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Gives the 118118 adverts a whole new meaning ....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Gives the 118118 adverts a whole new meaning ....

Probably not the one that the advertising agency had in mind though?  :gig:

Offline crikey

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Talking of numbers..............

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.
He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Babs

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And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....



 :hysterical:    rofl    :hysterical:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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I went to a fortune teller the other day and she said that a lot of money was heading my way. I was well chuffed. I walked out the door with the biggest of grins on my face. I started to cross the road and then it hit me.............................. a Securicor van
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

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My wife said that she fancied haute cuisine, so I moved the cooker onto the roof...

Offline Razor

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A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor...





'We're having a new kitchen fitted.'

*****

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?" The guy asked.

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs thought....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Here it is.........


"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!

richard

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"This is Steve Fossett to tower. I am flying through the mountains and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "

"Tower to Fossett. Tower to Fossett. Repeat after me, Our Father, who art in heaven..."

richard

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I was talking to Derek earlier.

I said, "how do you tell the difference between a male and a female hedgehog?"

He said, "easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a pained look on their face..."

Offline Ray

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My wife said that she fancied haute cuisine, so I moved the cooker onto the roof...

I don't get that............... :-[

oh,.........................haut...............................................high........... :blush:

Bugger...... :f:
« Last Edit: Oct 03, 08, 04:57 PM by Ray »
Cheers Ray
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I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Razor

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I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. 

As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behavior wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

Offline Obblie

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I can believe that ....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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I can believe that ....

The joke is, Razor, at a Labour party conference.  :hysterical:

Oh yes, and the Labour party themselves.  ::)

Offline fred

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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
 
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
 
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
 
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Hara-Kiri Bank on the other hand is not expected to survive as it has haemorrhaged too much since it was opened up earlier in the day.
 
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I was in the pub last night when Mein Host asked me, “how come don't we see you in here with Pat any more?”

I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money that he never repays, always wriggles out of his round, and when your back's turned he fucks your wife and her sister?”

“Shit, no!” he said, gobsmacked.

“Well, neither would Pat” I conceded, blushing...  :blush: