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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 276973 times)

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Offline Razor

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I tried ringing the premature ejaculation advice line last night, but I could only get as far as 0845 79

*****

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's just that old women are so very ugly.

*****

What is the most common crime in Wales?

Ram raiding

*****

My girlfriend said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom.

So now the bedroom has Sky Sports, a fridge full of beer and she sleeps on the couch.

richard

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Oi!, Razor!

I see your wife has handed you your balls on bits of string.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Offline Razor

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Oi!, Razor!

I see your wife has handed you your balls on bits of string.  :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

After she smashed one of 'em first!  :toff:

richard

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After she smashed one of 'em first!  :toff:

You married my ex?  :eek2:

Offline fred

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There are so many people with the names WING and WONG

People are always wingin wong numbers.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours.
He is about to die.

Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls.
The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands: "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."

The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.

The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs "Please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.

His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands: "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar..."

:hide:

Offline Babs

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"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Obblie

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There is a small company with only the boss and two employees, Jill and Jack.

Boss: "Jill, business hasn't been good for the last few months so I'll have to lay you or Jack off.

Jill: "You'll have to jack off because I have a headache"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline crikey

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Seems Playboy offered Colleen 100k to pose, provided she shaved her twat. Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic Streaker got in common?

They both have frozen assets
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Derek

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What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic Streaker got in common?

They both have frozen assets

Oi Sparry

stop stealing old jokes that have been already posted

http://our-local.co.uk/index.php?topic=19654.0

richard

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For the last few years, I have suffered with what I thought really bad hemorrhoids - agony going for a shit, blood on the toilet paper and such - so I finally went to my doctor to ask for advice.

She said "if Babs offers the ultimatum of 'load the washing-machine, or she'll shove a pineapple up your arse when you are asleep' then you really should do as you're told..."  :o

richard

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I went swimming today.

Halfway through the session I was desperate to go to the toilet, I couldn't hold it in.

I thought I would go swim to the corner and let it out gradually, no one will notice as long as I keep swimming.

In hindsight, maybe I should get out of the pool next time I want a shit...  :blush:

richard

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I met Van Gogh in the pub last night, offered to buy him a drink.

He said "No thanks, I've got one ear..."

Offline Ray

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I met Van Gogh in the pub last night, offered to buy him a drink.

He said "No thanks, I've got one ear..."
:n:

 :t:

 ;)
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Ray

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The Australian elephant turned up at the elephant graveyard and the gatekeeper said "have you come here to die?"

No says the elephant, I got here yesterday................ :)
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

richard

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Chas and Dave are planning to re-release "Spurs are on their way to Wembley" in time for the 2010/11 Johnstone Paints Trophy campaign.

richard

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A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you breakfast would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Offline fred

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3 nurses walk into a morgue to discover a dead man wid a hard on. . .1st nurse goes cant let that cck go to waste, so she ride, 2nd nurse does the same. 3rd nurse hesitates abit and says im on my period, bt goes ahead and rides it anyway,
SUDDENLY the man jumps up, the nurses scream, 'we thought your dead' . . .man replies ' i was, but after two jump startz and a blood transfusion i feel beter than ever'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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Is it my imagination or are the jokes in this worst jokes thread getting worse?  :groan
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Is it my imagination or are the jokes in this worst jokes thread getting worse?  :groan

Yes.

hth.

richard

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Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.

Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumber yard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman."

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

Offline fred

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The sexual position formerly known as 69 is now called 96. Due to inflation and the credit crunch, the cost of eating out has gone up!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A man walked into a florist and said, ''I’d like some flowers, please.''

''Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?''

''I’m not really sure.''

''Perhaps I could help,'' suggested the florist. ''What exactly have you done?''

Offline fred

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that's a joke?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf