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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273148 times)

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Offline Langston

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    • Clangston at DeviantArt
that's a joke?
Yes. This is a joke thread. It's a bad joke, because this is the bad joke thread.

HTH.

richard

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Sumosexual - one who only shags fat birds...

richard

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There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

Offline Langston

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There once was a man from Nepal
Who never finished anything at all

Offline Langston

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I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again.

The fucking stock market's gone crazy...

;)

richard

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I got thrown out of church this morning.

Apparently, the bucket at the back marked " For the Sick" isn't what it sounds like.  :think:

richard

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In light of this week's fuck-up, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been placed on the Sachs offenders register.

Offline fred

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Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now c*nt!?

Love,
Gary Glitter
x
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now c*nt!?

Love,
Gary Glitter
x

Proof that 'sick' and 'funny' can happily co-exist.  :hysterical:

Offline fred

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Just painted my wellies SILVER & put them in the porch for tonight!











The Little BARSTEWARDS wont knock if they think Gary Glitter lives here!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A blind man goes on a trip in his private jet and, at 20,000 feet, the pilot calls him into cockpit and tells him he has chest pains and suddenly dies of a heart attack.

The blind man feels the plane nose-diving and rocking violently so he drags the pilot out of his seat straps himself in, fumbles around to find the radio and calls into it, "Mayday! Mayday!"

Ground control hear the call for help and enquire as what the problem is.

The Blind man replies, "I am blind and alone in an  airplane, the pilot is dead and I'm flying upside down."

Ground control says, "Calm down sir. Just to clarify, you are blind so how the hell do you know you are flying upside down?"

The blind man replied, "Because the shit is running between my shoulderblades!!!"

Offline fred

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Apparently there has been a three-car pile up on the M6 involving a Siamese twin, a bearded lady and a contortionist.

Police are describing it as a 'freak accident.'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Black women all over the world are shaving there pubic hairs today in support of OBAMA'S election.Their message to the world "READ OUR LIPS:-NO MORE BUSH"!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Judge to prostitute,’So when did you realize you were raped?’

Prostitute, wiping away tears: ‘When the cheque bounced.’
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things.

However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone.

 The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy.

He said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack.

The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything.

The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room.

The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this.

However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored.

The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise.

The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse.

No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls.

He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls.

The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

richard

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Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be doing anything for Children In Need this year...

Offline fred

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In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young lady.

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young lady proposes,

"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young lady, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the lady pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says,

"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,”

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.

The lady pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young lady says,

"If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money.

The lady then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.

"See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Following a whirlwind romance, Garry Glitter is to marry his fiance at Gretna Green.
When asked why his new In-Laws wernt invited, he claimed his bride hadnt spoken to her parents since a nightmare holiday last year in Portugal.

Offline Razor

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It has just been announced that Al-Qaeda have hidden bombs inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

A police spokesperson said if they were to go off, it could spell disaster!

Offline fred

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an wee old lady comes out of her house pullimg her shopping trolley behind her.
shes heading to the shops and as she passes the local cinema, the bill poster is hard at work sticking up the massive posters to advertise the new movies.
she stands and watches as hes up the ladder and down the ladder into the van and out with more posters.

after 10 minutes hes finally on the last part of the poster and the old lady shouts up

" son, son................is that superman coming? "

he looks down and replies,

" no dear, thats the paste dripping from the brush "
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I was disgusted when I saw Tesco selling tins of baby peas.

Surely its a bit too soon...?

Offline fred

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The local health authority is organising a reunion for all patients (past and present) from the hospital burns unit, all information can be found on their website www.friends-reignited.co.uk
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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Fred's just posted an amusing joke!
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 09:43 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline fred

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the whole point is not to in this thread so  I'm disappointed
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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the whole point is not to in this thread so  I'm disappointed

I've a warped sense of humour, fred.
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 09:43 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.