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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279416 times)

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Offline fred

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Quote
I've a warped sense of humour, fred


I'm sure you've noticed that I have as well
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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    A man walks into doctor's office.
    "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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A policeman stopped a motorist one evening and asked him "Excuse me sir, but do you realise you are driving without a rear light?"
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a huge groan. His distress seemed so obvious that the policeman was sympathetic.
"Now, you don't have to take it so hard" he said "It isn't all that serious"
"Isn't it?" cried the motorist "Whats happened to my b****y caravan?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.

A 2nd man said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your d!**?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man asks, "Why? What colour is it now?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Storm

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I'm sure you've noticed that I have as well

I've noticed you've learned how to copy and paste.  ;)
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline fred

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as have we all
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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I was disgusted when I saw Tesco selling tins of baby peas.

Surely its a bit too soon...?


Sad to see that Haringey Social Services have done fuck all for Children In Need this year.

richard

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Apparently Anne Summers in Southend have just released a range of crotchless shell-suits...

richard

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I said to Fred, "did you hear about Woolies going down?"

Bless him, he looked all excited for a moment...  :ewe:

Offline fred

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Maggie Ann is hanging out the washing when she hears sounds of coughing and sawing from next door. Looking over the fence , she sees her neighbour with a pile of wood and asks him "What are you doing off work?"
"Oh", says the neighbour, "I've had to stay off work and send for the doctor for my wife; she is very ill"
"Is that her coughin'"
"No, it's a rabbit hutch I'm making for the kids"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Brow96

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Fred that one smells even from over here.  :groan

Bill
  

Offline Babs

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Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


 rofl You have excelled yourself with that one, Fred!
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Derek

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Totally implausible

There are NO highways in Transylvania  :cvan:

Offline Langston

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Totally implausible

There are NO highways in Transylvania  :cvan:
What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:

Offline Babs

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What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:

Transylvania?

Vampires don't drive...
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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If you're unsure about abortion, just take a look at Timmy Mallet...

Offline Langston

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Transylvania?

Vampires don't drive...
Why not?

Offline Derek

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What do they drive their cars along then?  :think:

Cars!  they haven't come that far into the 20th century yet.  They still use horse & carts on dirt tracks, when they aren't flying

Offline Langston

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Cars!  they haven't come that far into the 20th century yet.  They still use horse & carts on dirt tracks, when they aren't flying
If they can fly, why would they want to use horse and cart?  :think:

richard

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If they can fly, why would they want to use horse and cart?  :think:

When was the last time you saw a bat carrying a wardrobe?

Offline Langston

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When was the last time you saw a bat carrying a wardrobe?
A couple of weeks ago?

richard

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A couple of weeks ago?

About time for a review of your medication then...  :pa

Offline Langston

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About time for a review of your medication then...  :pa
But I wouldn't see the bats with the wardrobes any more...  :'(

richard

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But I wouldn't see the bats with the wardrobes any more...  :'(

You'd save yourself the backache from a lot of unnecessary evasive action though...