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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279471 times)

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Offline fred

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A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation. Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.
When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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What's warm, moist, and makes people want to rip their pants off?  :think:










Diarrhoea.  :yuck:

Offline Dr Fuss Bogle

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What's warm, moist, and makes people want to rip their pants off?  :think:

Diarrhoea.  :yuck:

Bad isn't the word for that one and almost very deserving. In fact it is deserving of a very special award

 :dfb5: 
I'm coming to get you...


richard

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Bad isn't the word for that one and almost very deserving. In fact it is deserving of a very special award

 :dfb5: 

You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:

Offline Langston

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Mary had a little lamb
And it was always grunting
So she gave it some throat lozenges and it was much better after that.

:)

Offline fred

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You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:


ever known the doc to be right?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Family driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids 'my that was a big insect' to which her 7 year old son says 'im surprised it could fly with a f**king cock that size!'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Dr Fuss Bogle

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You miserable old twunt... they're supposed to be bad in this thread.  :n:

That one was beyond being excruciatingly bad  :t:

I'm coming to get you...


Offline Storm

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That one was beyond being excruciatingly bad  :t:



Fuck off you miserable old bastard..

We've learned to expect excruciatingly bad jokes from Richard, fred and 'Obbles.
« Last Edit: Dec 02, 08, 12:48 PM by Hell »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline crikey

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Best use I've seen for him, short of sending him home to Jordan for execution!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!


richard

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Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!


That's the sort of joke this thread was made for...  :angel2:

Offline Storm

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Stephen Hawking is in intensive care with 2 broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip. Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up!!!!



 :gig:
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

richard

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Using a Wok.

You fwo it at a Wabbit when you don't have a Wifle...

Offline fred

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A vicar is having a wank in the bedroom ans as he finishes himself off he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him. 

Red faced he rushes downstairs and he hears a knock on the door.

"I've done your windows, vicar. That'll be £100" says the window cleaner with a smirk and a sly wink.

Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the door.

The vicar;s wife who had been listening yelled

"£100?  for four small windows?  He must have seen you coming!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Just bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for Christmas, he's gonna throw a fit when
he see's it.

*****

I cant wait to see the wife's face on Christmas morning, I've bought her £500 worth of
Woolworth gift vouchers.

*****

Dont you just hate it at this time of the year when they knock on your door collecting
for charity?

Last night a young lady was collecting for the local sperm bank, I gave her a right mouthful!

Offline fred

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A lonely woman, with a string of failed relationships to abusive and unfaithful men , decided to try dating again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a gentleman sitting in
a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, 'You're not really asking me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat
you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you
still good in bed???'

The man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Bob was telling his workmate that he'd been to a great party on Saturday.

"It was just about the best party I've ever been to, fantastic. All the booze you could drink and a terrific buffet done by a professional caterer. Considering that I only went as a guest of a friend, I really struck it lucky."

His mate said. "You always were a jammy barstard, wish I had been there." Bob said.

"Yeah, you would have loved it. They had a fantastic house, even the cloakroom toilet was solid gold." He got the reply. " Fuck off, you're bullshitin' me. " Bob was indignant and promised to take his mate there and prove it next Saturday evening.

He said the homeowners were really great and wouldn't mind a bit. On Saturday at 2100 hrs, they rolled up and it looked like another party was getting underway. " Bob smiled knowingly at his pal and kept his finger on the bell. Soon a good looking woman answered the door. " Yes ?. can I help you ? " Bob replied. " I hope so, I was here at the party last Saturday and I've been telling my friend about your' golden toilet in the cloakroom, he doesn't believe it, so, would you mind very much if I showed it to him.

The women just stared at him, then she pulled him inside and shouted over her shoulder.

" Hey Arthur, I've found the dirty barstard who had a piss in your tuba. "
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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Baron went up to a bird in a night-club and asked that old chestnut "Is that a ladder in your stocking, or is it the stairway to heaven?"

Immediately a gruff voice shot back "Yes it is indeed the stairway to heaven, but I've already got one prick up there and I don't need another one!"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Offline Razor

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7" x 4" Pure white vellum envelope, the finest, pure thick parchement paper with Olde English calligraphy, finished with a special edition commemoritve Royal Mail stamp.

This is no ordinary redundancy notice ...... This is an M&S redundancy Notice.

Offline fred

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the credit crunch is that bad that 8 out of 10 women have to make love to there husbands as they cant afford any batteries
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Al Fayed is hoping to sign Christiano Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his football skills, he just wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel!

richard

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Al Fayed is hoping to sign Christiano Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his football skills, he just wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel!

You've been getting jokes from Prince Harry again, haven't you?  :hysterical:

Offline Obblie

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A tongue twister

How much fudge would a fudge packer pack, if a fudge packer would pack fudge.
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes