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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279227 times)

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richard

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A philosopher said once, "Life is a big joke, we just spend our whole existence waiting for the punchline."

Yeah... mine's bound to be a fucking Sparry...  ::)

richard

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It's been all over the papers this week about a baby being born to a brain-dead woman.

Why is the media making such a fuss?

It happens every fucking day in Essex...

Offline Razor

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500 Israeli troops have entered Jordon.



Peter Andre says that she is a little bit sore, but still able to cope!

Offline fred

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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.
'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....

..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you ?'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.
The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...



'Mixin'-me-toasties'
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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'Mixin'-me-toasties'



                   :groan
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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a jewish boy has been born with no eyelids doctors say they can operate using old foreskins ,
but his mother is worried it may make him look cockeyed
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Pedigree chum went bust today and have had to call in the retrievers
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the Eyeball to the Anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A few years ago my neighbour went on holiday.
He asked me to feed his cat and look out for his mother.
The first day he was away his cat was playing on the roof when it fell off and died.
 
He rang to ask about his cat and his mother I told him the cat had fallen off the roof and died.
He was upset and annoyed.

He said I should have broken it to him gently.
The first time he rang I should have told him I saw the cat playing on the roof.
Then the next time it had fallen off the roof.
Then the next time it was injured .
Only then that it had died.
 
I agreed  that I had not been very sensitive.
 
So the next time he rang I told him I had seen his mother playing on the roof !

*****

Ulrika is in trouble with Celebrity Big Brother for smuggling a mobile phone into the BB house.

Apparently, it isn't the first time she has had an Ericsson up her arse!

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I went to my first Muslim birthday party today...............

Musical chairs was a bit slow.......................but pass the parcel was bloody quick !!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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pass the parcel was bloody quick !!


I heard it went with a bang..?

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My ears are still ringing............. ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.

A spokesman said, "Dubai people wont understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do!"

*****

Barack Obama is the first black President. Lewis Hamilton is the first black F1 World Champion. Will Smith is the worlds highest paid black actor. Tiger Woods is the Worlds best black golfer.

How times have changed, it is a real good time to be a black person.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!

*****

Teacher says to class, "What vegetable makes you cry?"

Little Johnny shouts out, "An orange!"

The Teacher says, "No, it is an ONION."

Little Johnny replies, "Well, you've obviously never been hit in the bollocks by an orange"

richard

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A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him.
 
As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.

To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away.

"Weren't you afraid?" one of the workers asked the boy.

"Not at all," the boy replied , "I knew this cow was his mother-in-law..."

richard

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Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.

"Dad," he asked, "What is the difference between 'anger' and 'exasperation'?"

"Well, son," said his father, "I'll give you a practical demonstration."

His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello," said a voice at the other end.

"Hello," said Ernie's father. "Is Melvin there?"

"There is no one called Melvin here!" the voice replied. "Why don't you look up numbers before you dial them?"

"You see?" said Ernie's father, "That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!"

He then dialled the number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

"Now look here!" the voice said angrily. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!"

"Did you hear that?" Ernie's father asked. "That was 'anger'. Now, I will show you what 'exasperation' is!"

He dialled once again.

On hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie's father said: "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

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What brought down flight 1549 on the Hudson river.....
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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What brought down flight 1549 on the Hudson river.....

The version I'd heard was that two of Dubya's last acts as president were to blame Canada, then go and invade Mexico...  ::)

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Obblie

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LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
         
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,    'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
         
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
         
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
         
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
         
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
         
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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I went through a McDonalds drivethrough today,
after about 5 minutes I eventually got my food,

The girl at the window apologised,
"Sorry about the wait" she said.

"That's alright fatty" I replied
"you could always go on a diet"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me..."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"' she asked.

"To get my bloody teeth!"

Offline crikey

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That's me, that is! Apart from the first 9 lines, sadly.    "Oooh, I need a dirty woman........"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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 "Oooh, I need a dirty woman........"


Get thee behind me satan...  >:D

richard

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A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:

"When you see a human, you approach to about 30ft from him, make sure he sees you and then you swim a couple of circles around him. Then you get closer to about 10ft, and again you swim a few circles around him. Then you come really close to him, even touch him, you wait one minute and then, well, you eat him."

"But why can't I just get him and eat him?" asks the little shark.

"You can do that, too, if you don't mind eating his shit."

Offline crikey

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A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...

Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.

Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.

I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's disease, the other shows AIDS.

Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?

Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.