Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Jun 20, 19, 04:37 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Google Search

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 104465
  • Total Topics: 11581
  • Online Today: 27
  • Online Ever: 167
  • (Mar 31, 19, 11:42 AM)
Users Online
Users: 1
Guests: 11
Total: 12

Themes





Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273201 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Online Baron

  • Foreskin
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 15563
  • Bogle Points: 102
  • Gender: Male
  • Hedgecat
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

  • Guest
I was in a restaurant in Liverpool and there was a sign that said "Keep an eye on your bags"

So I kept an eye on my bag and some cnut stole my dinner.

Offline Storm

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 13559
  • Bogle Points: 0
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 10:02 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

richard

  • Guest
I see the 'usual suspects' have competition... that's truly terrible.  :gig:  :pa

Offline Storm

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 13559
  • Bogle Points: 0
« Last Edit: Aug 06, 11, 10:00 PM by Storm »
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
 A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
 
 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

  • Guest
I just heard on the radio that the only way out of Bridgend is shut because of the snow.

...Well that's not strictly true - There is another way out...  :hang:

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21105
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three heshin bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three heshin bags.

One copper goes to the other "Kick the heshin bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with the brunette and kicked it.

The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next heshin bag.

The copper kicked the second heshin bag with the red head in it.

The red head said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third heshin bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third heshin bag with the blonde in it.
And the blonde said "Potatoes"

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
You are on the bus when
you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as
you approach your stop.
 
As you are leaving the bus,
people are really staring you down,
and that's when
you remember:
 
 
you've been listening to your ipod.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

  • Guest
Scarily plausible...  :pa

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14482
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
Shouldn't this be under Tips for Novices Fred?
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
Shouldn't this be under Tips for Novices Fred?


 :laugh3:    :angel3:
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Derek

  • Being a nuisance
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 13268
  • Bogle Points: 45
  • Gender: Male
    • Myonlinesecurity
what's a bus?

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
a rumoured mode of transport, practically extinct outside the main towns
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21105
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
what's a bus?
Aren't they something to do with data exchange?

:)

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14482
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
"Gran, have you seen my tablets? They are in a little box marked LSD."

"Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Babs

  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 10787
  • Bogle Points: 5

"Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

 :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

  • Guest
Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea?

He kept making funny faeces...

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f****** sweater!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
It's Peter's birthday. He has no arms or legs. His mum goes into his room and says, "happy birthday, Peter, here's your present!"
Peter replies, "Aw mum, not another f-----g hat!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the motorway. So I eased my car over to the hard shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up.

Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before the police pulled up behind me.

The policeman got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.





So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before
leaving..."Jean - put your hat and coat on lassie."

"Awe Guy that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?"

"Nae, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."


The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so
their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.



How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Och! it's no that dark!



Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic
to see his etchings?

He sold her four of them....



A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...



A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas
himself....



A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his
friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, "I'd
like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "Ye won't get many words
for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman
to write a few more things, saying "I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words
fer ye money."

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over
the counter again.

The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for
sale"......
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4199
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
There was a little mouse called Keith,
who circumcised Englishmen with his teeth
It wasnt for leisure or sexual pleasure
It was just for the cheese underneath
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14482
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Babs

  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 10787
  • Bogle Points: 5
:b:

 :gig:  I was going to say something but I bit my tongue...
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin