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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279276 times)

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richard

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I bit my tongue...


It could have been very much worse...  :pa

Offline Razor

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Q: What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair?

A: Park and Ride

richard

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

richard

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It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a cunt to iron.'

Offline Baron

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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there are optimists and pessimists everywhere

an optimist invented the aircraft


a pessimist invented the parachute
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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there are optimists and pessimists everywhere

an optimist invented the aircraft

a pessimist invented the parachute

It takes an optimist to jump out of a perfectly functional aircraft using one...

Offline fred

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very true
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

*****

A survey found that the average penis size of English men is 6".
German men are 7", Swedish men are 5" and Icelandic men are 9"!.

Thats the real reason why mums go to Iceland.

*****

Offline Langston

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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-sided underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, then reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, old Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!"

Offline Langston

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Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Offline Razor

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Peter Mandleson has once again been targeted by protesters.

This time he was hit in the rear by a Brazillian fruit!

*****

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

*****


Offline crikey

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." The tird woman says, "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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I have just been arrested by the Police!

According to them, wrapping your cock in a copy of the Beano and masterbating does not count as "comic Relief!"

*****

Walkers have just added a packet of "Semen" flavour to their new range. they will be sold as Diet crisps as 97% of women will spit them out!

*****

F = FACE - Does their face droop to one side?

A = ARMS - Does one arm fall when they raise both?

S = SPEECH - Is it slurred?

T = TIME - They are obviously pissed! Get them home ASAP!

*****

Offline Langston

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An Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I gotta hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"Tacks!" the shocked redneck replies, "Don't they stay on by themselves?"

Offline Razor

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Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK Tour, they are:

Joe aged 9, Bob aged 7, Dave aged 10 and Colin aged 6

Offline fred

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A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 minutes & every employee gathered outside office.
10 minutes passed..................................
5 more minutes passed.
 
 
Security Officer - Announcement started,
"Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are lay off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office.  Hope you have nice career ahead.
 
Please move in & try your luck...."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Please move in & try your luck...."


Call me cynical, but I'd not be surprised to read that as a real headline...

Offline fred

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same here given the present circumstances
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "In that case .......... Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Offline fred

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Josef Fritzl has admitted to rape, imprisonment, incest, enslavement and murder but says that rumours










































that he's a Man Utd fan are just downright sick!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline croissant.neuf

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 I nearly posted this today when I received it but managed to avoid a Sparry by a search. Not a bad joke at all IMQHO

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said.... 'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks.'
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

richard

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 I nearly posted this today when I received it but managed to avoid a Sparry by a search.


As indeed could Sparry, had he the sense.  ::)

 :gig:

Offline Razor

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A guy working in Amsterdam enters a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, adding that she must also have the saggiest tits, the smelliest fanny and breath that smells of stale cigar smoke and rum.

The madam says, "Ahh, sir is looking for something kinky tonight!"

The guy replies, "No not really. I'm from Cardiff and I'm just feeling homesick!!"