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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279214 times)

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Offline crikey

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I'm worried I might have this Swine Flu. I keep coming out in rashers.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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A woman phones her husband and says she has run out of petrol and is too scared to visit the garage to fill the car up.

Husband asks her why and the wife replies because of swine flu!

The husband says you daft cow! You get swine flu from Mexico not Texaco!

*****

They say you can only catch swine flu if you have been with an infected pig.

I bet Jack Tweed is shitting himself!

*****

Thought for the day!


Why don't they give pigs a yearly flu shot so that they don't get swine flu?

*****

Professer Steven Hawkins is now resting at home after last weeks illness.

A hospital spokesman said, "We dont know what was wrong with him.
We just turned him off, waited 30 seconds and then switched him back on again!"

*****

Offline fred

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you have to feel sorry for ricky hatton, the last time someone got that badly battered around the ring they were found dead in michael barrymores pool............
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers had their houses burgled on the same night.

Manchester United's Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales Caps, 10 Premiership medals, 2 Champions League medals, 1 European Cup winners medal, 5 FA Cup, 1 League Cup, 2 World Club Champions, 8 Charity Shield and 1 Super Cup Medal.

Arsenal's Emmanuel Adebayor has lost a kettle and a toaster.

Offline Razor

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If you get an email from the Department Of Health warning you not to consume minced pork or derivative products just ignore it, it's just spam.

Offline Babs

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If you get an email from the Department Of Health warning you not to consume minced pork or derivative products just ignore it, it's just spam.

 :groan
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it...

...will the local MP claim for it on expenses?

Offline Obblie

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Even though the wood has been clear felled ...
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Why did the MP cross the road?










To claim his Second Home Allowance.

Offline fred

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Whats the difference between the premier league and my garden.

















There are magpies in my garden
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Mike Tyson’s favourite TV program?

Have I Got Noose for You...

Offline Razor

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^^ Oh dear!

M ichael Jackson has cancelled his UK Tour after he discovered £2000 for a ten year old actually refers to the car scrapping scheme!

richard

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^^ Oh dear!


It is the 'bad' jokes thread... I think that fits the spec.  :yup:

Offline Razor

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That was bad even for the Bad jokes Section!!!

Sky News have just announced that Barcelona F.C.'s Lionel Messi's house was broken into during the match.

Police have said that they would like to question the Man Utd midfield, as they were nowhere to be seen between the hours of 19.45 and 22.00.

Offline fred

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On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coast near Cardiff on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh rugby tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Susan Boyle has done wonders for the fight against terrorism...

Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they aren't so sure about suicide bombing....

*****

Daivid Carradine was really found dead in a Newcastle United Football Kit, but to save his
family from embarrassment, Thai police said he choked while wanking in a closet.

Offline Razor

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You put your transfer in,
Your transfer out,
in out, in out you fuck your club about,
you do the Cristiano & you change your mind,
thats what its all about !

Ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker, ohhh Ronaldo is a wanker,
knees bent, arm stretch dive dive dive !!!

richard

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Cristiano Ronaldo's £80million move to Real Madrid now makes him the world's highest paid actor...

Apparently, he's being sent on average two human turds in the post every day.

What I want to know is, who is sending the other one?

richard

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Razor's just had the sack from his job at the post office.

Things went badly wrong when somebody put the radio on.

Every time the music stopped he opened a parcel...

Offline Razor

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^^ :laugh:

Real Madrid are to pull out of the £80million Ronaldo-Man Utd deal as Primark stores are selling a 'big girls blouse' for £4 !!!

richard

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Welsh cheerleaders.

Putting the ''go! go! go!'' into Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

 :ra: :ra:

Offline fred

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it took a while but..
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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it took a while but..

What odds shall we offer that Sparry will be around in a couple of days to post it again?  :gig:

Offline fred

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given the state of my memory atm...
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macauly Culkin stayed over

Michael Jackson's funeral arrangements have been made, he's being recycled on Thursday

Michael Jackson is going to be melted down and made into Lego bricks. That'll let kids play with him for a change.
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes