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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279495 times)

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Offline fred

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Michael Jackson is not going to be buried.

They're going to melt him down and make a slide out of him.


That way the kids can continue going down on him
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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For Sale:

Single white glove. Slightly soiled index finger.

Offline NZGreg

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Q: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?


A: A playboy


 :t:


Q: What happens to a politician when you give them Viagra?


A: They get taller

 :lh:
The G-man cometh

richard

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While I was out last night, some bloke asked me if I'd have sex.

I told him I couldn't be arsed.

Offline Obblie

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Which is the odd one out?

A washing machine
A woman
A tap
A toaster


Answer: A toaster - it doesn't drip when it's fucked.
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Answer: A toaster - it doesn't drip when it's fucked.


It does if you don't use a condom...  :yuck:

Offline MaWibbley

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum,

I have something to tell you, I'm gay!"

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the young bloke  was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away
from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, .. doesn't
that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The bloke said nervously,"Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around
and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

richard

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richard

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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing or fishing with his friends..."

Offline Razor

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Some Touching Words From Stevie Wonder At M ichael Jackson's funeral.

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

richard

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Some Touching Words From Stevie Wonder At M ichael Jackson's funeral.

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....


Or, for those of you who prefer English,

.......IEEI...
..EEEEEEEEIEIIIIEEI
...SISSSSH......SSSH5I.
..EEEIEEE..
...EHSHH...
......HHH555IEEH....
.IE
.EIEIE...
.......SSSIS.......SIHSSH....
.II.
..H
..EEEEEIIEI
..HISS.............5

FFS Razor, at least make it plausible.   :gig:

richard

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My wife had a sex change.

Could be worse, I now get to play with her ex-box.  :gig:

Offline fred

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As steven gerrard's case come's to a close he put in his last statment, I am ashamed of myself as I am supposed to be a role model for the youth of Liverpool. I regret not knifing the bastard and pinching his car...
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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I knocked at the door of a Bed & Breakfast the other day, a few seconds later a little old lady stuck her head out of the window and said: "Hello, what do you want?"

"I'd like to stay here," I replied.

"Okay" she said, and shut the window.

Offline crikey

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Joe had to cut short a steamy "69" session with his girlfriend to keep a dentist's appointment. Not wanting the dentist to smell anything, he brushed and flossed his teeth, and gargled a few times. Settling himself into the dentist's chair, he confidently opened his mouth for the examination, only to hear the dentist remark, "You've been having oral sex this morning, haven't you?" Joe is flummoxed. "How on earth do you know that," he says. "I cleaned my teeth, flossed, and gargled just before I came here!"

"Ah," says the dentist. "But you missed the skid mark on your forehead."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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richard

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Why do geeks suck at telling jokes timing

Offline Razor

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Women are magical creatures.

They can get wet without water, bleed without being cut, give milk without eating grass
and make boneless meat rock hard!!!

richard

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This one's for Delia

This weekend saw Norwich City equal their worst ever defeat, slumping to a 7-1 home thrashing at the hands of Colchester.

One young fan was heard on the phone to his sister, saying "Mum I couldn't believe it, if they conceded any more I'd have had to count them on my other hand..."

richard

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Bill asked me if I'd to go crabbing with him later.

Going through his pubes with a nit comb wasn't what I had in mind...  :yuck:

Offline Brow96

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Bill asked me if I'd to go crabbing with him later.

Going through his pubes with a nit comb wasn't what I had in mind...  :yuck:

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
  

richard

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Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

Then take it out and eat it.  ::)

Offline crikey

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A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for this EITHER!!!!!"

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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I went to the Doctor and told him that one moment i feel like a wigwam and the next a teepee!

He told me i was sufferring from stress, I was too tents!

*****

I was in the supermarket queue the other day with my 5 year old son, stood in the line in front of us was the fattest woman i have every seen. He ass was wider than the trolley i was pushing!

All of a sudden, her mobile phone started beeping as she received a text message and my son screamed and said, "Watch out Dad! She's backing up!!!"

Offline Razor

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Peter and Kim were making passionate love in Peter's transit van when suddenly Kim, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Peter, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Kim until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Kim notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Kim, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Peter (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".