Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Aug 24, 19, 04:14 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Google Search

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 104590
  • Total Topics: 11593
  • Online Today: 19
  • Online Ever: 167
  • (Mar 31, 19, 11:42 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 11
Total: 11

Themes





Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 277042 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
An elderly couple goes to the doctor's office. The doctor says to the husband..."I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The husband, who is hard of hearing, asks his wife, "eh, what did he say?'

The wife says.."give him your underwear"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
There are four gay guys in a hot tub. A condom floats up in the middle. What do they say?

"Who farted?"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

  • junk male
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4607
  • Bogle Points: 18
  • Gender: Male
  • Not far to go, now
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

  • Guest
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

He'd probably say "You're just being a cunt."

richard

  • Guest
I saw an overturned cheese lorry in Wales last week.

Police were instructing motorists to drive Caerphilly...

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
On the way to work this morning I saw an R.A.C man in his van crying and banging his head on the dashboard, I thought, "Ay Ay! he's heading for a Breakdown!".

*****

I came home from work last night and said to the wifw, "Hello Hun!"

Now she wants a divorce because of me calling her a pet name.

Bloody Germans!

*****


Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Live on BBC1 tonight, "World Cup Football - The Road To The Cup" except for viewers in
Scotland who will be shown the film 'Out Of Africa'

richard

  • Guest
A man goes to have a tooth extracted. 

The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't"  said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out..."

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Someone sent me an email, all it said was, ' N.....G.....B.....A '

I think it was bang out of order!


Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
Food Inspector in a bakery catches a baker using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of apple tarts. She roars "Have you no tool?" He says " Yeah , but i use that for the doughnuts"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

  • The Cat Astrophe
  • Landlord
  • ***
  • Posts: 14482
  • Bogle Points: 50
  • Gender: Male
  • Kissy kissy...
How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass?


Irresistible .......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
I was a good boy. Held off, but cant wait any longer  :angel3:   :

After the death of singer Stephen Gately in his Spanish villa, stars of the screen have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said, he was deeply gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Michae l Barrymore said he was innocent!

*****

Simply Red singer and front man Mick Hucknall has been arrested for having sex with a rabbit.

A police spokesman said Hucknall caught red handed while he was holding back the ears and singing bunny's too tight to mention.

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
michael jackson was disapointed when steven gately came to heaven. he thought they said someone from the BOY'S HOME was coming
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Wow! What a Christmas it will be in heaven this year.

Patrick Swayze has offered to dance for everyone, Farah Fawcett has offered to be an angel in the nativity play, Stephen Gately will be singing. Keith Floyd wanted to cook dinner and Mich ael Jackson volunteered to look after the children!

richard

  • Guest
Louis Walsh received a note in the mail this morning - if those cnut twins don't go out of the X-Factor this weekend, it'll be another member of Boyzone for the chop each week until they do...

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
I was waiting for a very important phone call last night, so i slept with my mobile phone under my pillow. When i woke this morning, my phone was gone and there was  pound coin in it's place. Fuckin Bluetooth Fairy!

Offline fred

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 4201
  • Bogle Points: 5
  • Gender: Male
    • cymrogwyllt
that one's in the wrong thread
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Shhhh! .....I'm hiding it from Dr. Bum Fugger as i'm sure it was posted before.

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
After much discussion about whether the beach ball last week at the Stadium of Light was the biggest ever useless foreign object to be seen on a football pitch it was agreed that this honour was actually held by Jan Molby

Offline Brow96

  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 3619
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
After much discussion about whether the beach ball last week at the Stadium of Light was the biggest ever useless foreign object to be seen on a football pitch it was agreed that this honour was actually held by Jan Molby

From this statement I gather that the difference between Mr. Molby and a fire plug are slight?

Bill
  

richard

  • Guest
I'm starting to get seriously worried with this postal strike.  :pa

My Michael Jackson tickets still haven't arrived...

Offline Langston

  • I am the only person in the world who is exactly the same as everybody else.
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 21107
  • Bogle Points: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

 :hat3:

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Dont use the new condoms made from the skins of lemons, they make you come in a jiffy!

*****

I saw a farmer trying to wrestle scarecrows. I tought, He's clutching at straws!

*****

Offline Razor

  • Our-Local Pot Washer
  • Barfly
  • ***
  • Posts: 2936
  • Bogle Points: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Like my arse?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep, so he approached a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could only sleep in the barn, not to enter the house and some food would be brought out to him. The man settled down for the night in the barn.

The farmer's daughter later brought him food out to the barn and returned about an hour later with her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.  So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.  Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.  “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried.  “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, “I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out ...
 
 

“LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!”

richard

  • Guest
An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds.

The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English" said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name is David".

"Paddy..." replied the Irishman.

"Cancer" says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman slowly turned his head and lifted away his oxygen mask to reply "Sagittarius..."