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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279518 times)

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Offline fred

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Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "Fuck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

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  • 鶏が道路を渡ったのはなぜでしょう
    • Clangston at DeviantArt
I went to the doctors the other day with really bad stomach pains.

"You really must stop masturbating" he said.

"Why?" I said.

"Because I am trying to examine you"

Offline Obblie

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"I had a swine flu jab last week, they said that there could be some side effects"

"Did get have any?"

"Yes, I am now scared shitless by apple sauce"
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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A choirboy goes into the confessional and says "bless me father for I have sinned!"

The Priest says "I'll kick your fucking arse if you're two timing me..."

Offline Langston

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    • Clangston at DeviantArt
 :hat3:

Offline fred

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In light of recent events with Theirry Henry and Tiger Woods , Gillette have just announced Susan Boyle as the new face of the Mach 3 Fusion razor..
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

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 :hat3:

richard

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From Twitter:

#Maplin - Pirate: "Hello Maplin, my bird says pieces o' seven, pieces o' seven...whats wrong?" Maplin Helpline: "Parroty error"

Offline Obblie

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"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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It gets worse...

What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a board game?

Natasha Kerplunksky

richard

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Have you ever wondered what it'd be like seeing a donkey shagging an ape?








You have now...  >:D

Offline fred

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The Grim Reaper came for me the other night but i fought him off brilliantly with a vacuum cleaner....
Talk about Dyson with Death!!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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What's long and hard and guaranteed to get a woman moaning?

An ironing board.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Babs

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The Grim Reaper came for me the other night but i fought him off brilliantly with a vacuum cleaner....
Talk about Dyson with Death!!!

Now that is worth a  :groan
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Babs

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What's long and hard and guaranteed to get a woman moaning?

An ironing board.

What's an ironing board?    ???
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline crikey

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What's an ironing board?    ???

Like a shelf on legs, Babs - only with padding. HTH
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon

When asked why he had such a long password, he said

"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"


richard

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What's wet and slimy and flaps about on a church floor?












A lost sole...

richard

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Rwy'n meddwl os breuddwydion yn wlyb ddyfeisiwyd gan y defaid cyfrif Cymraeg?

Offline fred

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que?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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Rwy'n meddwl os breuddwydion yn wlyb ddyfeisiwyd gan y defaid cyfrif Cymraeg?

Dybia ai cei gwlych breuddwydion am 'ch chwaer Saesneg 'ch must bod
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Dybia ai cei gwlych breuddwydion am 'ch chwaer Saesneg 'ch must bod

Sickipedian Cymraeg!

Offline Obblie

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I don't have to wonder .......
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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A guy yn y gwaith yn cymryd y Mick allan o Cymro gan mimmicking iddo, gan ddywedyd
"Pwy yw ct Siaced yw hwn? Chi weld y ddau o dai ar y bryn, Mwyngloddiau yr un yn y canol! Rwy'n edrych yn fy locer ac nid oedd!" Mynd "a iddo orffen gyda,
Pam mae Cymro priodi merched? Ni all defaid Achos coginio!

Atebodd The Welshman, "Nid wyf yn meddwl y jcs Cymru iawn, peidiwch ag anghofio, em rydym shag ', rydych yn ei fwyta' em ac rydych yn meddwl y darnau gwyn yn cael eu braster!"

richard

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A guy yn y gwaith


FFS Razor, if you're going to use a machine translation - they're often funny in their own right - at least check for untranslated words and try to find an equivalent that'll let the machine have it's way...  ::)