Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.

[fred]

My driving instructor asked me to flash another driver to let him know he could pull out.

Apparently, he didn't mean that and I'm due in court next Wednesday

[fred]

Distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow
He prays to god for help,a woman appears and puts her arms over his icey cows,and they immediately defrost.
thankyou says the farmer, are you an angel sent from god ,

no says the woman, i,m Thora Herd

[richard]

I said to my boss "Can I have tomorrow off, my wife wants me to go shopping with her?"

He said "No, you most certainly can not!"

"Thanks very much .... I knew you would understand..." 

[richard]

A farmer is coming home carrying a bucket of fertilizer.
A little boy infront of his house asks him "What's in your bucket?"
"Horse shit." the farmer replies.
The boy looks puzzled and asks "What for?"
"My strawberries." the farmer says.
The boy says "That's just plain weird, we have sugar and cream on ours.."

[richard]

A gendarme is patrolling a park when he comes across a man in the bushes.
He prods him with his night stick and says, “Monsieur. Defense de pisser.”
The man half turns and explains, “Je ne pis pas. Je m’abuse.”
The gendarme grunts, “Ah, vive le sport,” and walks on...

[fred]

Wenger ,Benitez,Fergie and Anchlotti are out on a managers jolly up ,Carlo gets the beers in, Then Sir Alex does ,Then its Rafas turn at the jump ,Then Arsene gets them in ,Its getting merry now and Carlo goes back up and gets himself a beer but nothing for the others ,Oi what the f*ck is going on say the other three managers


Oh says Carlo ,This is the 5th round and you lot ain't in it

[richard]

The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists while the Welsh read the English underneath. 

[Langston]

The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists while the Welsh read the English underneath. 

The Welsh can read now?

[fred]

Has just released a statement to prove he is still alive, he states "City were crap on Wednesday night"
MI5 have dismissed this saying it could have been released anytime in the last 34 years....

[fred]

The Welsh language:

It's only there to confuse tourists while the Welsh read the English underneath. 

we paint over the english bits.

if a tourist is daft enough to ask the way to somewhere we send them to Deiniolen (what was left after the arse end of nowhere was created)

[fred]

The Welsh can read now?

more languages than most

[richard]

we paint over the english bits.

How do you find your way home when you've done that? 

[fred]

1. we know the way

2. we can read a proper language

[Derek]

what I can't understand with the welsh is just about every other country in the world calls the Police . polis, police or politia or something immediately recognizable to anyone speaking any language

Not the stubborn inmates of the principality. I mean Hedlu , who or what  on earth invented that

[richard]

2. we can read a proper language

Jebiesz jeze

[Langston]

1. we know the way

2. we can read a proper language

I had no idea that Spanish was that popular in Wales....

[Obblie]

what I can't understand with the welsh is just about every other country in the world calls the Police . polis, police or politia or something immediately recognizable to anyone speaking any language

Not the stubborn inmates of the principality. I mean Hedlu , who or what  on earth invented that

  At least spell it correctly - heddlu 

[richard]

At least spell it correctly - heddlu 

A pig by any other name would still smell like shit...

(Sorry Shakespeare)

[richard]

Haiti had huge floods a few years back, now they get this earthquake.

I can't help wondering if God is reading the instructions off the back of a packet...

*Just add water and shake well*

[Razor]

Reports that Gary Glitter had slept with an 85 year old have been confirmed as false.
It was actually a Haiti 5 year old.

*****

Did you see on the news they found that man's wife alive in Haiti after being buried for a week?
Thats the sort of fuckin bad luck i would have!

[Razor]

Wayne Bridge sent his wife a replica of his willy made from Cadbury's chocolate.
She said that she much prefers Terry's!

[Baron]

Haiti had huge floods a few years back, now they get this earthquake.

I can't help wondering if God is reading the instructions off the back of a packet...

*Just add water and shake well*

 

[fred]

Stamford wasn't the only bridge John Terry was entering several times a week!!!

[richard]

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said ''I've just spoken to JT & he's lost the captain's armband. Do us a favour and have a look under your bed for me...''

[richard]

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone.

When asked by the police why he was speeding, he said "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house!"