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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273889 times)

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richard

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Don't worry Ashley... I'm sure Madonna will adopt you.  :D

Offline Baron

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There was a competition for the 'Worlds best cake'.

'Madeira' won by a landslide......
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Now we know for sure what happens when all those chinamen jump up & down at once...

Press F11 and hold it for an on-screen simulation. :)

Offline fred

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What's more annoying than the dog chewing your shoe?






The killer whale eating your trainer!!!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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Now we know for sure what happens when all those chinamen jump up & down at once...

Press F11 and hold it for an on-screen simulation. :)

I did....and I am bloody dizzy now......... :o ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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I did....and I am bloody dizzy now......... :o ;D

You were bloody dizzy to begin with.  :neener:

Offline fred

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David gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered. "Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack" she cries.

As Becks picks up the phone Brooklyn runs in crying, "Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe and he's naked"

Becks drops the phone and throws open the wardrobe and sure enough, there is the rat faced git!

Becks screams, "Are you some sort of arsehole? Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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My friends new girlfriend comes from Eastern Europe.
It took her 5 days to hoover the living room!

Apparently, she's a Slovac!


Offline Razor

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I broke my record last weekend for continual sex lasting 1 hour, 1 minute, 15 seconds.
Then i realised the clocks had gone forward!

*****
I saw a prostitute with no arms standing on the street corner. I asked her about the recession and if it had affected her business. She just replied that she couldn't give a toss!

*****
A patient is in a private room at the mental hospital. As a doctor walks past, he observes the man making love to a pile of biscuits. The doctor asks a nurse what is wrong with the patient in the private room, the nurse replies, "Don't worry about him, he is just fuckin crackers!"

*****
I found a way for my wife to stop sucking her thumb.
I drew a picture of a cock on it!

*****

richard

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While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you've voted.'

Offline crikey

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Can you spare just £2 ???

Ramji is a 9 year old boy who has only 1 arm, 1 leg and 1 eye.

He rides his bike to school for four miles every day along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with buckled wheels.

Please send just £2 and we will send you a video........... its fecking hilarious.

*******************

Five signs that you may be a Taliban:

1.       You have more wives than teeth

2.       You own a $5,000 Rocket Launcher but can’t afford shoes

3.       You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer

4.       You think vests come in 2 styles:  Bullet Proof and Suicide

5.       You wipe you arse with your bare hand but consider Bacon is unclean.

*********************

A little boy says to a Catholic Priest - 'kiss me, kiss me'.

'I can’t' said the priest, 'it would be unethical and to be honest I shouldn't even be wanking you off'.

 



I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?

Offline fred

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that big cloud of dust that has closed all airports in Britain has been traced back to the man cleaning moan U's trophy cabinet
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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Saw a scarecrow having a wank today. Thought to myself, "You're clutching at straws there, mate."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Say what you like about that Icelandic volcano, but it's done more in 5 days to stop immigration than Labour has done in 10 years
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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Q: What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
A: The volcano is still blowing ash.

*****
I have just been outside and was struck in the head by a frozen lasagne, a frozen black forest gateaux, frozen sausages and a frozen garlic baguette. It must be the fallout from Iceland.

*****
My wife just informed me that she is leaving me because she reckons i am a compulsive liar.
Oh well, her loss. She will miss my huge cock!

*****
Bloke takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says it has epilepsy.
The vet says, "It looks calm enough to me."
Bloke replies, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

*****
Q: What kind of fun do Bishops have?
A: Nun

Offline fred

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I was going to post some volcano jokes today








but I decided to let the dust settle first











I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing.
 
Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the fuck are you doing bro !" The Maori says "cool it man, if you are taking the wheels, don't complain about me taking the CD Player ! "
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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• I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. 

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'.
 
• A woman buys a wall mirror from the Salvo's.  The Manager asks 'would you like a screw for that mirror?'.  No she said 'but I'll suck your cock for the lawn mower over there'.
 
• Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to have casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
 
• I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.  Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
 
• A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said 'Sorry about the wait'.  I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
• Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.  Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'.  Murphy shouts 'Four!'
 
• Recession beater - Wife says to husband 'If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'.  Husband replies 'If you'd take it up the arse and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
 
• One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.???
 
• I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel.  Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
 
• Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... 'Tell me something both of you have in common'.  Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
 
• Snow eh!  The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
 
• I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!  It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?  Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
• Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.  But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
• The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret..........they don't know about it yet!
 
• My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.  She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
 
• SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:  It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.  A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a c**t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
 
• Just bought a cool game for the PS3; it's about a black guy who drives round shagging whores, uses violence involving metal clubs, crashes his car & evades the police.  It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.
 
• Just heard Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC.   I was wondering what you and your three mates are going to do with the piano?
 
• The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she was pregnant by her black boyfriend.  She was discussing baby names, and apparently 'Terry the Chocolate Orange' is not an appropriate name, but good enough to get me the sack.!!!
 
• When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours.  So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a c**t' on my garage door.
 
• 5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
          1% liked the warmth
          2 % liked the sensation
          3 % liked the eroticism
        94 % just liked the peace and quiet
 
• Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes.  Racism is a crime.  And crime is for black people.
 
• Be careful out there.  Driving conditions are awful.  Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim.  It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
 
• I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear, dread & panic.... "Hi Honey I'm home".
 
• Did you see Paul McCartney playing the piano on X Factor the other night...?  Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.
 
• I bought a DVD the other day called 'My Favourite 18 Holes' by Tiger Woods.  What a waste of money; it was all about golf.
 
• Apparently Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having a disagreement over a game of cards.  And, as it turns out, a club does beat a spade!!!


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse 

7 have been arrested for fraud 

9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

...and collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses!!!
 

Which organization is this?

 It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out  hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


 What a bunch we have running our country - it says it all.
 And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country!!


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely.  I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. 
God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!  Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor,
but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down
over de  bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,
'It worked. I feel terrific!

What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said
 .......
 'You were homesick'.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The Lone  Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men  fell sound asleep.

Some  hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and  says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you  see? '

'The Lone Ranger  replies, 'I see millions of  stars.'





'What  that tell you?' asked  Tonto.

The Lone Ranger  ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically  speaking, it tells me there are millions of  galaxies and potentially billions of  planets.
Astrologically, it  tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past  three in the morning. Theologically, the  Lord is all-powerful and we are small and  insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we  will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it  tell you, Tonto?'





'You  dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the  tent.'
     
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Tony and Mary were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Mary's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.




They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'




Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Mary.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
  
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
  
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
  
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'





Tony glared at Mary and said, 'You and your frigging Bran Flakes.
We could have been here ten years ago!'

« Last Edit: Apr 22, 10, 08:43 AM by Baron »
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown !"

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.