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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279055 times)

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Offline Baron

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How recognise a terrorist woofter....
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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How recognise a terrorist woofter....

Hey, that's Razor!

Offline Baron

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Come to think of it...........you're right  :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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You cheeky buggers!







No Wait! shave a little off the beard and ...........maybe!

Offline Razor

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I flew my England flag on Saint Georges Day.

Originally it was a World War 2 French flag i bought cheap at the Army surplus store.

All i had to do, was paint a red cross on it.

richard

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BREAKING NEWS - Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake...

Offline Razor

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In a pub quiz the other night, The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa !


One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!

*****

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

*****
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

*****
The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.  Problem is that she's rubbish at snooker!

*****

Offline Razor

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I had a meal at my local Korean restaurant last night.

The waiter asked me afterwards if I enjoyed the food.

I said, "It was the best meal i had ever tasted! It was the dogs bollocks!"

Offline Razor

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Freddy Mercury was called into see God. He was told that there had been a mistake and that Freddy could return to earth as anyone who he liked.

Freddy thinks for a moment and says that he would return if he could be West Ham Utd's goalkeeper Robert Green. God is astounded and asks why Robert Green when he could be another rock star or even a king!

Freddy explained, "I will have 10 arseholes in front of me, thousands of pricks behind me and lets face it, i would never catch anything again!"

*****

I dont understand these Ethiopeans & Kenyans, they have no problem running and winning  26 mile marathons. But when it comes to walking 5 miles for water....winge! winge! fuckin winge!

*****

Geordie lad picks up a girl from Burnley in a night club, they go back to her place and he drops his pants. Burnley girl haves a long look at his todger and says, "That's a gut un!"

The Geordie lad asks, "What is a Gut un?"

The girl replies, "It means it is good!" She then drops her knickers and the Geordie lad says, "By eck! That's a canny un!"

The Burnley lass replies, "Ah canny un, that means it's good as well"

"No" says the Geordie lad, "A Canyon is a big valley were thousands of fuckin cowboys have riden through!"

*****

Offline Razor

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Lionel Richie is opening a Butchers in East London?

He's calling it: Halal. Is it meat you're looking for?
*****

I was watching cricket on the TV and a player hit 36 from 6 balls.
The commentator jumped and screamed "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER WITNESSED".

I think he was just Over reacting.
*****

Scientists in Australia have managed to grow fake breasts on a pig.

Little do they know, England managed to do that with Katie Price ages ago.
*****


Offline Baron

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• I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. 

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'.
 
• A woman buys a wall mirror from the Salvo's.  The Manager asks 'would you like a screw for that mirror?'.  No she said 'but I'll suck your cock for the lawn mower over there'.
 
• Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to have casual sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.
 
• I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.  Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
 
• A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said 'Sorry about the wait'.  I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
• Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.  Murphy meets him & asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?  Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'.  Murphy shouts 'Four!'
 
• Recession beater - Wife says to husband 'If you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'.  Husband replies 'If you'd take it up the arse and let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
 
• One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT.???
 
• I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel.  Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
 
• Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... 'Tell me something both of you have in common'.  Husband after a long awkward silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
 
• Snow eh!  The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'
 
• I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!  It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?  Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
• Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.  But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
• The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret..........they don't know about it yet!
 
• My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.  She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
 
• SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:  It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.  A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a c**t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."
 
• Just bought a cool game for the PS3; it's about a black guy who drives round shagging whores, uses violence involving metal clubs, crashes his car & evades the police.  It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.
 
• Just heard Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC.   I was wondering what you and your three mates are going to do with the piano?
 
• The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she was pregnant by her black boyfriend.  She was discussing baby names, and apparently 'Terry the Chocolate Orange' is not an appropriate name, but good enough to get me the sack.!!!
 
• When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours.  So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a c**t' on my garage door.
 
• 5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs:
          1% liked the warmth
          2 % liked the sensation
          3 % liked the eroticism
        94 % just liked the peace and quiet
 
• Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes.  Racism is a crime.  And crime is for black people.
 
• Be careful out there.  Driving conditions are awful.  Today I slid off the road and hit a Muslim.  It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the twat in the end.
 
• I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's heart with fear, dread & panic.... "Hi Honey I'm home".
 
• Did you see Paul McCartney playing the piano on X Factor the other night...?  Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.
 
• I bought a DVD the other day called 'My Favourite 18 Holes' by Tiger Woods.  What a waste of money; it was all about golf.
 
• Apparently Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having a disagreement over a game of cards.  And, as it turns out, a club does beat a spade!!!


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century


'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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 :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

================================================


Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care ...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


================================================


During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================


Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


================================================


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
 
 
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them ... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's just taken her appendix out!"


================================================


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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In other news, France surrenders as a large fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk...  :hysterical:

Offline Ray

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Reminded of this by a thread elsewhere.

There was a young mathematician called Hall
who had one spherical ball
it's molecular weight
times it's square root times eight
was four fifths of five ninths of fuck all.

 :hat3:
Cheers Ray
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I used to use clichοΏ½s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clichοΏ½ to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Obblie

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The Queen is giving Fergy a special present to show that she has no hard feelings. She's giving her a chauffer driven limo and a ticket to Paris.
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother sternly.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries??"

"BECAUSE...I forgot where I put him!"

Offline Razor

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What made him do it?

Did he plan it?

Was he a mad man?

Did he plan to cause so much pain and suffering?

Did he plan to cause so much heartache to so many innocent family's and leave behind him 12 stiffs before taking the cowards way out?








Only Rafa Benitez can answer those questions!

Offline fred

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Q. What's the difference between Rob Green and a cesspit ?

A. They're both s**t keepers, but you can trust a cesspit to hold the slippery ones !!!





Steven Gerrard says " The whole team is behind Green".

In retrospect, thats a good place to be
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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South African police are sick of the knife and gun crime as well as the drug dealers at this years world cup but say things will improve once john Terry's family have flown home.

*****
My computer has just been infected with the "Rob Green Virus"...

I can't save anything....



Offline fred

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If you can't decide who to support out of North Korea and South Korea in the world cup...



wait for it…………………




………………..speak to your Koreas advisor.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto, aged 6
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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 ;D ;D

England team = bunch of overpaid wankers  :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Krampus

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;D ;D

England team = bunch of overpaid wankers  :gig:

don't insult ze vankers, we are not  uselezz like ze Englisch futballers