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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 285646 times)

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richard

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ENGLAND: Avoid ITV-HD interrupting your goals with an ad break by not scoring any...  :lipsx:

Offline Baron

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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet..' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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.

Offline Razor

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This guy said to me in an extremely angry voice, "I'm sick to death of getting socks every Christmas and my birthday!"

I replied, "You are so ungrateful!!. It is the thought that counts!"

I could tell from the look in his eyes, he'd have kicked my head in If he had legs.


Offline fred

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 David Blaine
...is said to be gutted because his record of doing f**k all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney


 Free helpline for England supporters
0800 414141


 England Team get a New Coach
Apparently, it'll be picking them up from the airport tomorrow Night.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scottish emergency services struggeled to cope with flash floods yesterday evening as 5 and a half million scots wet themselves laughing after Germany scored thier 4th goal.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Fabio Capello has reported that in training Wayne Rooney has been on a scoring marathon!
No wonder he has been scoring in training
He's been playing against the England defence
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Weather warning from the Met Office:

Keep all doors and windows shut tonight as we're expecting a shower of shit to arrive this evening from South Africa.

richard

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Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"

The old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this bloody mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

Offline Derek

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Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park ............

who has been reading the Sun then  :neener:

richard

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who has been reading the Sun then  :neener:

Not guilty - Babs does, I don't - it came from 'elsewhere' online.  :lipsx:

Offline Babs

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Not guilty - Babs does, I don't - it came from 'elsewhere' online.  :lipsx:

and the competitions... and I've won twice. Just haven't won any of the 'really' big ones... yet.
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Razor

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A wealthy Nigerian doctor says he will refund all the English fans who travelled to South Africa.


He said all he needs is their bank details, mother's date of birth and maiden name.

Offline fred

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Dear Mr Moat,

While you were in prison, John terry was screwing your mrs!!

Yours sincerely

Wayne Bridge
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Dear Mr Moat,

So was I.

Yours sincerely

Fred.

Offline fred

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The North Korean Government has said that it is deeply saddened by the death of their under achieving football team in an plane crash next Tuesday
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Derek

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Atlanta Airport


You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.

Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Thirty seconds of silence...

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !"

Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511…"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY APPROACHING FROM OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
,
,
,
,

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

,
,
,
,

,
,

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts, And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."

Offline Derek

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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you

Offline Razor

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I banged my head last night, so i put a large dollop of margarine on it.

I woke up this morning and I Cant Believe It's Not Better!

*****

Theakston's have brought out a new ale called "Raoul Moat".

It has a strong body, but no head!

Offline Razor

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I have been searching the internet for 2 hours looking for U2 lyrics, but i still haven't found what I'm looking for.

richard

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You know you're ugly when the dog puts a bag over your head before humping your leg...  :pa

Offline Langston

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You know you're ugly when the dog puts a bag over your head before humping your leg...  :pa
You know you're really ugly when he puts it over his own instead... :o

Offline Razor

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Q: What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

A: The French

*****

The French tennis player, Nicolas Mahut, who lost after over 11 hours of play at Wimbledon this year, is to be awarded the Legion D'Honneur.

His effort beats the previous French resistance record of 6 hours 42 minutes set in May 1940.

*****

£12 million is a bit much to spend on security for the Pope's visit to the UK.

But if the kids are safe for a few days, then it will be money well spent.

*****

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.

*****

God created the Earth, Light, Adam then Eve... For a while they lived in tranquillity, until Eve decided she was tired and feeble and 'needed rest'. Eve constantly told Adam to talk to God about it.

God created sleep, but for weeks Eve couldn't rest because it was 'too light'.... She went on and on at Adam to talk to God and in the end, God compromised with Night.

And since that day, women have now realised if they nag, 'day and night', they'll eventually get what they want.

*****

Offline fred

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Man phones the doctor.

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to give me something. I'm incontinent."

Doc: "Where are you ringing from?"

Man:  "The waist down"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf