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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279259 times)

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Offline Baron

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A donation of 3 will provide a Pakistani family with food and clean water for a whole week------however, on a more serious note you can buy 4 cans of Stella from Asda  for just  2.99
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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It's a bloody good job England wasnt flooded, even more Pakistanis would have drowned!
*****
A nymphomaniac gets on a bus and sits on the seat in front of the only passenger who just happens be to a blind man. Not realising he is blind, she turns around and starts blowing kisses at him.
The blind man just sits there.
Outraged, the nymph immediately flops her tits out for him to see and starts licking her nipples. The blind man just sits there.
Really angry now, the nymph strips all her clothes off and starts waving her gash about in front of his face.
Gosh, says the blind man sniffing the air, Grimsby already!
*****
I was on Dragon's Den but got thrown out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Go and make a cup of tea and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is totally unacceptable.
*****


Offline Baron

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 ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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> The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the
> smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they
> start finding the dead ones.
>
>
> A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan
> Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
>
> There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines
> plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are
> devastated.
>
> Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African
> woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told
> him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
>
> Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state
> after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
> following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
>
> A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her,
> "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I
> have a woman in twice a week!"
>
> Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
> said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
> His wife asked, "What is that?"
> Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
> pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
> His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
> hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
> mother's house!"
>
> My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's
> daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I
> hope you used something though?"
> He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
>
>
>
> I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
> recently, to get my testicles checked out.
> While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
> normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
> I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
> She replied, "No, but I have!"
>
> Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims
> cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
> Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more
> appropriate!
>
>
>
> A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy,
> I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
> Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian,
> Minjeeta?"
>
> A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
> him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
> "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten
> minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it
> all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
>
> The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
> up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
>
>
> I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit
> him on the head!
>
> The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His
> funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Tax Time....


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."   

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Cat in a bin, I was so outraged I reported the women to the local policeman







Officer Dibble said it was OK, the cat lives there
His name is T.C. and he's the leader of the gang.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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"I bet Schroedinger didn't get this much grief when he done it" - Cat Bin Lady

richard

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Head-games:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.

When you get home, ask them "Where's my baby?"  :nooo:

Offline Razor

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To all the kids who failed their GCSE's, just remember two things:

1. You tried your hardest.

2. I dont want gerkin on my Big Mac!

*****

The dead MI6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath.

Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherds Spy.

Offline Baron

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A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Its doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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The trapped Chileans asked if they could have a blow up doll lowered down to them.

I suppose that avoids a prison sentence for having sex with a minor...

Offline Razor

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New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile, 33 contestants, 4 months, 1 cave.

Welcome to Dig Brother!

Offline Baron

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box..''


''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
.....

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''


''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard..

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

.....

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''


''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's theme'd party for his players last night....Giggsy arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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David Haye has described his up coming fight with Audley Harrison as going to be "as one sided as a gang rape"

Sounds like he's expecting to get a pounding in the ring...

Offline Razor

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During the 2010 World Cup, I was shouting at the TV screen,

"Rooney you fat git! You couldn't score in a brothel!"


Oh how stupid do i feel now???

richard

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Oh how stupid do i feel now???


About half as stupid as you are?  :hat3:

Offline Razor

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About half as stupid as you are?  :hat3:

Recognition at last!  :hat3:


A Catholic priest and a Buddhist monk were making toast when the priest said there's an image of Jesus in the margarine.

The monk replied, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!!!!!!!"

Offline Razor

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Q: What is the defination of a lesbian?

A: Just another woman trying to do a mans job!

*****
The Pakistani Cricket team's hotel burnt down last night. Police are still trying to establish who threw the match.

*****
Welsh foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Irish foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
English foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

*****
« Last Edit: Sep 15, 10, 07:49 AM by Razor »

Offline Obblie

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Australian foreplay: Brace yerself Sheila
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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George M ichael has been caught smuggling chocolate bars into his prison cell. He managed to get two Kit Kats, a Crunchie and a Mars bar past the guards but gave himself away with a careless Wispa.

*****
Prison sources say that George M ichael has settled well into prison life and has already started writing a song about his skinhead cell mate.

George hopes to have the song finished in time for the Christmas charts and it will be titled 'Hairless Fister'

*****
Q: What does George M ichael and Chillian miners have in common?

A: They will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling!
« Last Edit: Sep 15, 10, 07:06 PM by Razor »

Offline fred

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A girl is in a night club, a bloke comes up to her...

"That's a splendid thigh you've got - Can I buy that thigh a drink? " he says.

Thinking its a pretty strange chat up line the girl agrees. The bloke buys her a drink.

"That's a fantastic shin - Would that shin like to share a table with me?" the bloke continues...

Strange - she thinks, but agrees to go over to a table with him.

They are finishing their drinks when the bloke asks...

"That's a beautiful kneecap - Would that kneecap like to dance?"

It is only then the girl realises what is happening...












The bloke is only pulling her leg.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf