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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273926 times)

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Offline fred

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Susan Boyle is currently running around Glasgow dressed as an alter boy since the popes visit. Some people will do anything to loose there virginity.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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What has the Chilean miners got in common with George M ichael?




























Both expect to have the size of their hole increased in the next eight weeks.
« Last Edit: Sep 19, 10, 02:33 PM by fred »
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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The bloke is only pulling her leg.



 :groan
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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 :groan

It's in the right place then?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Offline Razor

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I went to a Muslim stag party last weekend, it was wild!

The stripper got her face out for the lads!

*****
I woke up at 8 o' clock this morning and i could just smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing and motionless.

I panicked, i didn't know what to do ....... then i remembered that McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30am!

richard

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I heard my next door neighbour's wife coming last night.

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag - all the way up the fucking path.  :pa

Offline Razor

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The first text message has emerged from the Chillian minors:

"What happened underground, stays underground!"

*****

Does anybody know how to cancel an ebay bid?

I wanted to buy a mickey mouse outfit and now i am 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool F.C.

*****

I suggested to the wife that she should start masterbating with fruit, but she went fuckin' bananas!

*****

My wife said that my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac.

She was quite proud of that remark until i asked her why her sister still had bad breath!

*****

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.

*****

richard

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I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.


Knowing you, that wouldn't have stopped you...  :lipsx:

Offline Baron

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 Colin, the Aborigine





 A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and  flirting..


 

At the height of the party, the host said,
'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool
and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..


Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

 

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah,
you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. 
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.


The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


Colin said,

 

                                                                              'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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 I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f......g will power'
 
Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually'
   
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '................Murphy says 'Four!'
   
   
Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
   
I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
   
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm.   It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick  came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim  if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't know we had a choice!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a  flight. 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy and Murphy are working on  a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts  "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"    So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Two Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Q.  What's a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch  your arse if you get a dodgy one!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify  her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"  and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see  how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"

 
 
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Police in Birmingham have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of approximately 200 automatic and semi-automatic rifles and hand-guns, almost 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 4 grenade launchers, explosives and detonators. Additionally, the raid revealed a huge drug laboratory, five million dollars in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Indonesian and Thailand prostitutes. The raid was conducted in a Council House behind the Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!!"
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Condom Facts
Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Condom Facts
Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the english somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


corrected
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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corrected

I can see why, the welsh preferred to leave it where it was.  :gig:

Offline Baron

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I can see why, the welsh preferred to leave it where it was.  :gig:

Just like the Arabs........and connection ?... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Just like the Arabs........and connection ?... ;D

Compare their two-legged livestock to their four-legged and all will become clear...  :pa

Offline Baron

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The ISRAELIS are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

They have a heavy steel Kevlar encased booth, that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device or components you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!


This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

I can see it now..... You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____".


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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In the United Kingdom, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”...
 
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
 
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
 
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
 
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
 
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
 
“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?”
 
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."
 
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
 
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,  the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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A  man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple  dose
of  Viagra.  The doctor told him that he couldn't allow  him  a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's  not  safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,'  said the  man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked  the  doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming  into town on  Friday, my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday and my  wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you
see? I've got to have a  triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right,  I'll give it to you, but
You have to come in Monday morning so  that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself  into the doctor's
office...his swollen right arm in a sling.

The doctor  asked, 'Good gawd! What  happened to you?'

The man said, 'No  one showed  up.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release...

'Can we switch the lights off?...'

'Of course honey...'

'Can I have you from behind...?'

'Anything you want my brave boy...'

'OK, can I call you Pedro...?'


(Thanks mysophilia)

Offline Baron

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 :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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another survivor
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf