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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273942 times)

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Offline Razor

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^^ :laugh:  :hat3: ^^


X Factor Fans!

If your missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you will be able to sponsor her for just £3 a month!

Offline fred

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Gary Glitter is in Chile now.
It's the only place you can slide a minor up & down your shaft and get applauded!


Margaret Thatcher must be gutted.
On the week of her 85th birthday the only thing on telly is miners celebrating
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day.

He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

“This mower work, son?” the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, “Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.”

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord.

Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. “You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.”

“Well,” Johnny said, “you need to cuss at it sometimes.”

The preacher was aghast. “I've not done that in years!”

“Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll soon come back to you.”

richard

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Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

“If I gave you $200,” the teacher began, “and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan,
what would you have?”

“An orgy” Johnny answered.

Offline fred

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one of the miners is said to be gutted, he forgot to clock in!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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- Apparently the first Chilean miner came out and asked "Has Rooney scored yet?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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With Gordon Strachan's departure, Steve Gibson, chairman of Middlesbrough FC, has made a personal appeal to the Chilean President to ask if the team that organised the rescue of those 33 miners could dig his club out of their black hole in time for Christmas.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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With Gordon Strachan's departure, Steve Gibson, chairman of Middlesbrough FC, has made a personal appeal to the Chilean President to ask if the team that organised the rescue of those 33 miners could dig his club out of their black hole in time for Christmas.

Sebastian Pinera told him to fuck off, he doesn't believe in miracles...  :hysterical:

Offline Razor

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I bought my wife a pair of Liverpool knickers.

Two yanks and they are down!

Offline crikey

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Caption this!

I'm going for an easy one - "Who you callin' a pervert?"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Young shark out with his dad on first people hunt asks, "Why do we waste time swimming round and round the catch with our fins showing above the water? Wouldn't it make more sense just to strike straightaway?"

"Ah,", says dad, "they don't taste so good while they're still full of shit."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German midget dives in , pulls out the dog , resuscitates it and saves its life.
"Are you a little vet? " asks the woman.
"A little vet?" said the German , "I'm f*%kin soaked!"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Just had my water rates drop on the door mat £200 the thieving gits.
Yet Oxfam can supply a whole village for just £2 a month, so guess i'm changing my supplier!

*****

A Woman walks into a bar and ask's the Barman for a double Entendre
So he gave her one.

*****

I started a new job as a rubbish collector other day. I had no formal training, but the manager said i would pick it up as I go along.

*****

Prime Minister David Cameron, has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.


Offline Baron

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Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
 She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
 So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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To cheer your week end ( or your weak end)

 

    1.When I was born, I was given a choice:  A big  dick or a good memory...
       I don't remember, what I  chose.

  2.  Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

  3.  A wife is a sex object.   Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

  4.  Impotence:   Nature's way of saying:  'No hard  feelings....'

  5.  There are only two four letter words that are  offensive to men:
     'don't' and 'stop', unless  they are used  together.

  6.  Panties:   Not the best thing on earth, but next  to the best thing on  earth.

  7.  There are three stages of sex in a man's life:  Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

  8.  Virginity can be  cured.

  9.  Virginity is not dignity, its lack of  opportunity.

10.  Having sex is like playing bridge. 
       If you don't  have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11.  I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too  small...

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13.  Q:  What's an Australian  kiss?
       A:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down  under.

14.  A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
       He was happy with the Hole and she was  happy with the Thing......

15.  Q:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
        A:  Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16.  Q:   Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
        A:  Breasts don't have eyes.

17.  Despite the old saying:  'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
       Many men still sleep with  their wives!!

 

18.  You can tell that the honeymoon is over -  at the  first headache.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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Was at the doctor's today. He told me I was a paranoid racist. Well, he never actually said it, but I knew what he was thinking, the black bastard.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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The diary of a Viagra housewife ....

Day 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!!
Day 6: Life is wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12: I wish he were gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, brushing my teeth or even washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16: The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: I switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Oh no! Here he comes again...
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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misplaced that
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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What's the best time to sell (insert nationality of choice) a plot of land?






When the tide's out.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Ray

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What's the best time to sell (insert nationality of choice) a plot of land?
When the tide's out.

What's geographically wrong with Australia?
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It's above sea level.       ::)
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

richard

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What's geographically wrong with Wales?
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It's above sea level.       ::)

Fixed.  ;)

Offline fred

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see hook no bite
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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see hook no bite

See gob no teeth

Offline fred

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see my dentist
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf