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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273900 times)

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richard

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see my dentist

Looking at your avatar, I think I'll give them a miss.  :)

Offline Baron

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question
asked was:


"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


1.      In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2.      In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3.      In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.      In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5.      In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6.      In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7.      In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8.      In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Sneezing  On the  Airplane:
==========================

A  man and a woman were sitting beside each other  in
the first class section of an  airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a  tissue, gently wiped her
nose, then visibly  shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The  man went back to his reading. A few minutes  later,
the woman sneezed again, took a  tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered  violently once more.

Assuming that the  woman might have a cold, the man was
still  curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes  passed when
the woman sneezed yet  again.

As before, she took a tissue,  wiped her nose, her body
shaking ever more  than before.

Unable to restrain his  curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and  said, "I couldn't help but notice that  you've
sneezed three times, wipe your nose  and then shudder violently.
Are you  ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I  have a very
rare medical condition; whenever  I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more  than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. "  I have never heard of that condition
before"  he said. "Are you taking anything for  it?"

The woman nodded,  "Pepper."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question
asked was:


"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


1.      In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2.      In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3.      In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.      In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5.      In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6.      In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7.      In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8.      In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.



Quite probably true.

Although any Indian accent is a damn sight easier to understand than the folks in the old Sky call-centre in Livingstone.  :pa
Even if the Indians are speaking Gujarati at the time.  :gig:

Offline Baron

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Police in London
have found a bomb outside
a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know
they were living up there".

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown
5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points
to a ladder that

rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his

climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a
coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Twelve Italian priests were about
to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced
before them.
 
Each priest had a small bell attached
to his penis, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
 
The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos.
 
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his
bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in  nearby foliage.
 
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

and all the other bells started to ring.


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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For the Aussies.......... ;D

 DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA       
             
                                August 31 - Just got transferred with work
from Leeds UK
                                to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia .
                                Now this is a town that knows how to live!
                                Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
                                I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our
pool yesterday.
                                It was beautiful. I've finally found my new
home. I love it here.
             
                                September 13 - Really heating up now. It got
to 31 today. No problem
                                though. Living in air-conditioned home,
driving air-conditioned car.
                                What a pleasure to see the sun every day like
this. I'm turning into a
                                sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in
Leeds!!
             
                                September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped
with tropical plants
                                today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more
mowing lawns for me! Another
                                scorcher today, but I love it here. It's
Paradise!
             
                                October 10 - The temperature hasn't been
below 35 all week. How do
                                people get used to this kind of heat? At
least today it's windy though.
                                Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is
taking longer than we expected.
             
                              October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool
yesterday. Got third degree burns
                                over 60% of my body. Missed three days off
work. What a dumb thing
                                to do. Got to respect the old sun in a
climate like this!
             
                                October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat)
sneaking into the car before I
                                left for work this morning. By the time I got
back to the car after work,
                                Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of
a shopping bag and stuck
                                to the upholstery. The car now smells like
Whiskettes and cat shit. I've
                                learned my lesson though: no more pets in
this heat.
             
                                October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels
like a giant fucking blow
                                dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air
conditioner is on the blink
                                and the repair man charged $200 just to drive
over and tell me he needs
                                to order parts from fucking Perth ....The
wife & the kids are complaining.
             
                                October 30 - The temperature's up around 40
and the parts still haven't
                                arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been
                                sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights
now. Bloody $600,000 house
                                and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did
I ever come here?
             
                                November 4 - Finally got the fucking
air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and
                                gets the temperature down to around 25
degrees, but the humidity makes it
                                feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.
             
                                November 8 - If one more smart bastard says
'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
                                going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car
                                radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes
are soaking fucking wet and I
                                smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the
end of the Earth.
               
                                November 9 - Tried to run some errands after
work, wore shorts, and sat on the
                                black leather upholstery in my car. I thought
my fucking arse was on fire. I lost 2
                                layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of
my legs and off my fucking arse. Now
                                the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse
and baked cat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
             
                                November 10 -- The Weather report might as
well be a fucking recording.
                                Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking
sunny. It never fucking changes!
                                It's been too hot to do anything for 2
fucking months and the weatherman says it
                                might really warm up next week. Fuck!
             
                                November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this
damn fucking place? Water restrictions
                                will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms
might just dry up and blow into the fucking
                                pool. The only things that thrive in this
fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't
                                dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing
half a dozen of the little bastards!
             
                              November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45
fuckin' degrees today. Now the air
                                conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man
came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for
                                you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car
up his fucking arse. Anyway, had to spend
                                the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
                                Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented
fucking idiot would want to live here!
             
                                December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of
Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!
             
             
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a jetty on the River Thames.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could
not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a fucking stamp!


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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I decided to burn a lot of calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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and all the other bells started to ring.



 :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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Kate Middleton is employing a Chilean miner as her driver as he won't go into a tunnel...
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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BREAKING NEWS! Steve Jobs is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem.


It will be rebranded iLand
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?


Keep the tip.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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The funeral has been arranged at a norfolk crematorium. He will be placed in an oven at gas mark 6 for 7 hours.


Don't worry if you can't make Bernard Matthews funeral wake, there'll be leftovers for at least five days
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A woman accidentally sets her pubic hair alight and rushes out onto the balcony to estinguisg the flames but she trips and falls over the edge.

Paddy and Murphy were stood below watching the flaming pussy hurtle towards them.

Paddy says, "Is that a comet Murphy?"

"No!" replies Murphy, "It's a Twattalite!"

*****

Guy goes to the Vampire section of a Fancy Dress store and speaks to the assistant who replies, "Go across the road to the Liverpool Football Club Supporters Shop!"

The guy says, "I think you misheard me, I said i wanted to dress like a COUNT!"

*****

A woman comes home to find her husband making love to a female midget.

She screams at him, "You promised no more affairs! You said you wouldn't cheat any more!"

The husband replies, "For fuck sake woman! Cant you see i am trying to cut down!"

*****

My wife is in intensive care at the local hospital.
It seems i misunderstood her when she said she wanted fireworks in the bedroom!

*****

Offline Derek

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Guy goes to the Vampire section of a Fancy Dress store and speaks to the assistant who replies, "Go across the road to the Liverpool Football Club Supporters Shop!"

The guy says, "I think you misheard me, I said i wanted to dress like a COUNT!"


Don't let Ray see this  :neener:

Offline Norman

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Don't let Ray see this  :neener:

I'll not tell him if you don't ;)

 :wave1:
Been there, done that, broke it.

Offline Ray

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For the Aussies.......... ;D

 DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA       
             
                             

 :hysterical: That amused me. ( I spent a while in Perth some years ago, and I can vouch for the flies )

 :hat3:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline fred

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What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Ray

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What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.

   

 :t:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

Offline Baron

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 :gig: :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?

An Asylum Streaker.

Try telling that to the decendants of fuck knows how many Irishmen that only came here seeking a fekkin' potato...  :pa

Offline Langston

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Try telling that to the decendants of fuck knows how many Irishmen that only came here seeking a fekkin' potato...  :pa

The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...

richard

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The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...

A joint that old will be pretty stale anyway.  :s:

Offline Derek

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The place hasn't been the same since those forkin' Angles and Saxons came over a ruined the joint...

It is all the fault of the Romans