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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273902 times)

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richard

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It is all the fault of the Romans

"Romans Go Home" is a very common theme of stuff sold to tourists around Bath - I wonder how many of the younger ones get the Python connection?

Offline Derek

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what have South American Snakes got to do with roman ruins in Bath?

Offline fred

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I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A muslim was stripped searched at Manchester Airport, he had a tin of Spam up his arse.

Police believe he may be a member of the Terrorist group Hamass!

richard

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A muslim was stripped searched at Manchester Airport, he had a tin of Spam up his arse.

Police believe he may be a member of the Terrorist group Hamass!

Go ask an Imam why that's unlikely to happen... I dare you!  :gig:

Offline Ray

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Is there any way we could rename this thread.....?.......................................... Centre for the Socially Disfunctional with no Sense of Humour?

( I am only passing this on from Norman, who has eventually turned up ,,...from ..300 yards away,  with 2 bottles of Pinot Grogio. )

 :juice:

 :tnx:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

richard

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Is there any way we could rename this thread.....?.......................................... Centre for the Socially Disfunctional with no Sense of Humour?


You could do that... but you'd reveal the fact you were the one lacking the humour...  :neener:

Offline fred

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I just found out the ending of Star Wars thanks to Wookieleaks.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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I missed the televised decision on who is to host the 2012 World Cup Finals. I've been Russian about all day as well so i could watch it, and now I'm late for work so, Moscow.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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The 2022 world cup in Qatar will be like my dreams coming true.

Scouse touts getting their hands cut off
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Snow shovel 10.99
New hat & gloves 4.99
Wellington boots 15.99
B & Q road salt 5.99
Having to join the AA for roadside recovery 79.99
New bumper on your car after sliding in the snow 299.99

England's embarrassing failure to get the World Cup bid....  priceless!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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Snow shovel 10.99
New hat & gloves 4.99
Wellington boots 15.99
B & Q road salt 5.99
Having to join the AA for roadside recovery 79.99
New bumper on your car after sliding in the snow 299.99

England's embarrassing failure to get the World Cup bid....  priceless!

Aye, it isn't often that atheists have their prayers answered ..
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

richard

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Aye, it isn't often that atheists have their prayers answered ..

Question - what exactly were you praying to:think:

Offline Obblie

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 :lipsx:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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Christmas is like any other day for me ..... I sit down with a fat bird that doesnt gobble any more!

*****

Paddy says to Mick - Christmas is on a Friday this year.

Mick - I hope it isn't the 13th!

*****

Have you heard about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted for Christmas is to eat, drink and be Mary!

*****
« Last Edit: Dec 05, 10, 07:27 PM by Razor »

Offline fred

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Can you imagine scoring the winning goal at the 2022 world cup final in Qatar.
Your Team mate runs up and kisses you on the cheek.
You lift the world cup!

Then get arrested and beheaded
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline crikey

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Say what you like about Audley Harrison - at least he got past the first round.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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Because of all the snow and ice at the moment, the goverment are worried about kids playing on the roads.
So to scare them off they are going to bring out a special machine.


Its called the " Gary Gritter"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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When travelling In extreme weather conditions the Government advise you should carry a shovel, flask, warm clothing, wellingtons/walking boots, rock salt, hi-viz jacket and a blanket!

I looked a right twat on the bus!!

Offline fred

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Kate Middelton says to the queen

"have you got any tips for a long & successful marriage"

Yes dear the queen replied

"wear a seatbelt and dont p me off"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Poor Julian Assange.

If it's not bad enough that he's wanted for rape, the Americans are now looking for him in connection with the assassination of JFK.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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I saw an ad in the paper for a plumber.

It said 'Any leak fixed guaranteed, or I pay you 100.' So I gave him a call and he arrived promptly.

Imagine his frustration when I shouted 'WikiLeaks' and watched him write out a cheque.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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BBC NEWS: Police bring out horses during student fees riots.

Oh so that's why Camilla was there.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?' 'Sure! Allah Akbar!'
'On the kitchen table?' 'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'
'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a p***. video?'
'You may indeed. Allah Akbar!'
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
 
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.  The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
 
This would be a win-win for everyone.  There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
 
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now:  you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."   


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.