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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279047 times)

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richard

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I'd vote for that.

richard

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."

That's when the proctologist got up and left.

Offline crikey

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Dozens of people were injured during a melee at a charity panto for paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals when one of the crowd shouted out "He's behind you!"
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Razor

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Manchester Utd midfielder Park Ji-Sung says a dog is not just for Christmas ...

It also makes great sandwiches on Boxing day!

*****

I know A lot of people are affected by the cold weather and snow at the moment, but here is a thought to make you warm and happy, there are hundreds of trucks stuck in snow up and down the country.

There could be hundreds of asylum seekers frozen to death in the back of them!

Result!!!

*****


Offline mortalwombat

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New years honours:

Christopher Biggins to be made a Dame for services to Panto...

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

Offline mortalwombat

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Bet Guy Fawkes is spinning in his grave at the thought of all those explosives round Parliament last night...
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

Offline mortalwombat

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Latest suicide bomber fails as unable to reach to light the fuse...

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

Offline croissant.neuf

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The musical tribute to the Chilean rescue was cancelled when they discovered it had been composed in A Flat Minor
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

Offline Babs

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How to deal with the cold.

 
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird."     :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline fred

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Global spam levels fall and the experts have no idea why.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12126880



I'll tell you why, it tastes  awful.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Razor finally persuaded me to go along to a gay bar with him, just to see what it was like.

I won't be doing that again in a hurry...  :pa

It was Open Mike Night.  :yuck:

Offline fred

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bad taste alert




Arizona gunman who shot Congresswoman Giffords was "22-year-old army reject".

I would have thought that the ability to not kill your target "after shooting them in the head from point blank range" - whilst at the same time killing 6 others and injuring 13 more - would be enough proof that he was qualified to serve in the United States Armed Forces.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Offline Baron

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 Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Mr Tickle is all excited about his wedding to girlfirend Tess.
She has her reservations and may keep her maiden name.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang outwith the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told herthat I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 75 years old and you'regoing to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I evengot a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membershipto a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Razor finally persuaded me to go along to a gay bar with him, just to see what it was like.

I won't be doing that again in a hurry...  :pa

It was Open Mike Night.  :yuck:

 :hysterical:

***
The Beckhams have only been in London for a couple of weeks and already Posh spice is pregnant. John Terry dont hang about, does he?

***
Gary Glitter has applied to be Aston Villas new manager as he heard Young, Bent and Keane were avaliable.

Offline Baron

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OFFICIAL WARNING FROM THE POLICE

Subject - New set of Keys in the crime world

Home owners warned about new bunch of keys that can open 75% of homes and 85% of cars.

They are:

Dar-keys
Pak-keys
Pie-keys and
Junk-keys

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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WARNING:

If you receive a text message or an email saying that you can get swine flu from tinned pork, delete it! It's just spam!

*****

A friend of mine drinks brake fluid. I have told him that it is dangerous stuff and he could become addicted. But he says he's ok! He can stop at any time!

*****

Rolf harries is to release a "Flood Aid" single for victims of the Australian Flood Disaster.

It is called, 'Why's me kangaroo drowned sport?'

*****

Offline fred

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Doctor. "I can assure you Miss Goodbody there is not medical evidence to suggest that Diarrhea is a genetic condition"

"Well Doctor, I know for a fact it's in my jeans"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

richard

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Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere...

A Barnsley fellow walks into a jewellers and says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog?"

"Do you want it eighteen carat?" asks the assistant.

"Ne laddy, a wants it chewing a fuckin bowen"

Offline Ray

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Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere...
A Barnsley fellow walks into a jewellers and says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog?"
"Do you want it eighteen carat?" asks the assistant.
"Ne laddy, a wants it chewing a fuckin bowen"

   

 :lh:


 :hat3:
Cheers Ray
www.RayDoyle.com
I used to use clich�s all the time, now I avoid them like the plague, these days a clich� to me, is like a red rag to a bull.
"I'm an idiot, I've just realised"..."I don't think"....outrageously quoted out of context.

richard

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Ray & me were in the pub talking about the big match on Saturday.

I asked him, "Is Gerrard fit?"

He said, "I wouldn't say no..."  :bolt:

Offline Derek

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Ray & me were in the pub talking about the big match on Saturday.

I asked him, "Is Gerrard fit?"

He said, "I wouldn't say no..."  :bolt:

Perhaps I am missing sumfink but I just don't see the joke in that at all ( except the fact L'pool and the majority of football teams are a big joke )

richard

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Perhaps I am missing sumfink

You are.  ;)