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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273244 times)

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Offline Derek

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it must be a laguage thing then from those that speak English with a weird accent cos I just don't get it

richard

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it must be a laguage thing then from those that speak English with a weird accent cos I just don't get it

Less accent than idiom, I suspect. 'Fit' has multiple meanings.

Offline Derek

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Less accent than idiom, I suspect. 'Fit' has multiple meanings.

And we moan about the yanks murdering the English Language  :neener:

Offline crikey

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Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.

The second woman responded, Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!

Whoa, replied the first woman. I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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God suggested Jesus should try the modern drugs that have decimated society in order to understand the effects.

So he asked his disciples to fetch him some samples.

Matthew brought cocaine, Mark brought canabis, Paul brought crack and Judas.................well he just brought the ferkin drug squad.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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In India recently, I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought, what a bloody great idea, why don't we have them in our country?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

 
 Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
 I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

 
 Just Fostered a Muslim kid. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
 

 Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - All I said was, "golly you're tall.".

 
 They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
 because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 
 Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
 Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
 

 The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners. She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom"
 I said no, just take off for 4 months.


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
 But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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I was in bed with my Jewish girlfriend and i could not stop farting. She complained like hell, calling me a selfish bastard.

"O' come on!" I said, "A little gas never hurt anyone!"

Apparently, I am totally insensitive as well !!!

*****

I was gang raped by mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me!

*****

The F.A. have agreed that if Manchester City reach Wembley this season, the fans can take flares into the stadium. This is to remind them of what they were wearing the last time they reached a major final.

*****

The dog ran off the other night whilst i was taking it for a walk. I searched the local park and called his name for 20 minutes. My wife said i should have looked harder, so i shaved my head, got tattoo's but i still cant find the feckin dog!

*****

Police are appealing for help in finding a man who stabbed six people with a knitting needle. They think he's following some sort of pattern.

Offline Baron

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Ahkmed the Arab came to Canada from the Middle East, and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill.

                  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help
him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go
into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes.'

                  Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in
the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten
minutes.

                  Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel
terrific! What was wrong with me?'

                  The doctor  said .... 'You were  homesick'.


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test
carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the
nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?' 
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

LOUD SEX   
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 
  CONFOUNDED SEX   
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium,  and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.



'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
 


 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

       WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'



'Yeah,' she  replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '



 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX   

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 
 
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

KY has it's uses when you both want sex too.

A little bit on the doorknob stops the bloody kids interrupting...  :yup:

Offline Baron

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In my day.........it was Vaseline........ ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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In my day.........it was Vaseline........ ;D

Watch out for swarf if you ever resort to axle-grease...

richard

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As I listened at the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.

I mean, where can you hide a wasp's nest for over a week?  :think:

Offline crikey

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A tourist had died two weeks after falling from the balconey of his holiday hotel.

Fuck me, that must have been one tall building.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Another Jewish woman has come forward to complain about Jean-Paul Galliano. In bed with him one night, he let off a succession of serious farts and, not unnaturally, she gave him a good ear-bashing. " Sacre bleu," says J-P, " a bit of gas never hurt anybody."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline Baron

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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water... If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby..'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.



When I turned  40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out
with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the

Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Babs

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 :gig:
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Razor

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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West..

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.'

Offline Baron

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 :hysterical: :hat3:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline croissant.neuf

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A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"

The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."
MY PICTURES


My hobby is collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic

Offline Baron

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The colder it gets....the harder it grips.............:gig:

I might just get into production of this nifty little device...............this time next year I will be a millionaire....... :s:
« Last Edit: Mar 21, 11, 07:41 PM by Baron »
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.